Thank you Glenn for peeing in the sandbox in 1st grade and ruining it for everybody. Thank you Glenn for stealing my "girlfriend" when we were 9. You freaking peed in the sandbox in 1st grade and Suzie wants to eat lunch with you from now on? Screw you Glenn. Thank you Glenn for dumping my books in the snow when we were in 7th grade. Everyone laughed. I cried. And my math book got all covered in snow. Thank you Glenn for stealing another girlfriend from me in 8th grade and getting to 2nd base with Carolyn. She barely let me hold her hand and you were fooling around with her and before she broke up with me. Hell, you didnt even know her name since you kept calling her Caroline! And she still let you touch her titties. Jerk. What happened to bros before hoes? Thank you Glenn for beating me out for the baseball team our junior year. You missed most of tryouts because you were suspended for playing grab-ass in the hall with some freshmen girls but the coach still liked your talent better than me. And by talent, I mean the blowjobs your mom was giving Coach Mac in the parking lot behind the small gym. Thank you Glenn for beating me out for the scholarship from the Rotary. Sure I raised money to help the homeless and traveled to Nicaragua to bring electricity to a small village, but the fact your grandfather had been in the Rotary since the Mesozoic era and your 3 arrests for DWI, breaking and entering and the assault on a rival teams mascot during a football game were certainly more impressive than my charitable work. I really didnt want to go to Penn State. I really wanted to go to Suffolk CC for 2 years. Asswipe. Thank you Glenn for YET AGAIN stealing a girlfriend... one that I had already asked to the Prom. And took her. But there she was coming out of the back of your limo wiping her lips. She told me you guys were talking about where you're going to college but when the blacklights were used on the last dance i realized that she did more than talk. She always told me that was gross and wouldnt do that for any guy, but i guess your name was any guy. But the jokes on you bub! I was totally hitting that before she hooked up with you. And after. So HAHAHA! Yeah.. Totally.
And finally Glenn, thanks for giving away a game program for the game. Its about time you did something nice for me.