Saul Goodman

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: New York Jets. Photo: Deadspin Your 2017 record: 5-11. Last year I thought the Jets had the worst roster in football history and that they’d struggle to win a single game, and every Jets fan took me aside and they were like, “No no no no no, you don’t get it. They’re gonna meaninglessly overachieve just to **** up their draft position,” and LO AND BEHOLD. You people know your team all too well. So let’s not go overboard and declare that 5-11 a feel-good 5-11. The Jets still managed to pack plenty of Jetsiness into last season. For example, their best offensive player turned out to be a thoroughly deranged a$$hole who allegedly threatened an officer that he would find the cop’s wife, “**** her and nut in her eye.” Their fans couldn’t name five players on the team. Their offensive coordinator gave up and ran the ball while down 20-0 against a 4-12 Denver squad because he didn’t want anyone to get hurt. Ghosts invaded Jeremy Kerley’s urine. They traded for a new cornerback without bothering to tell the head coach. Bryce Petty couldn’t put his helmet on: Also, the catch rule robbed them of a comet-rare opportunity to beat their [can barely contain laughter] “rivals,” the Patriots. Because they’ll never win anything of actual consequence, the success of any Jets season is basically dependent on them salvaging a split with the Patriots during the regular season. You should see Jets fans anytime they manage to stay within 10 points of Belichick. They are ******* BEAMING with pride. That whole stadium gets loaded and does the Truffle Shuffle. They act like they just won the Presidency. Then the refs botch a call and the team melts. It’s the most pathetic routine in all of sports. This year I look forward to the Jets mounting a 13-0 lead against Brady’s backup in Week 17, just enough of a lead to get Sal from Piscataway to brandish his dick at a cheerleader, only to end up losing 48-13. By the way, I’m still dying at Darrelle Revis’s retirement. Revis is arguably the best Jet ever, which means NOTHING, and his career highlight is winning a Super Bowl with the ******* Patriots. The best part was when the Jets honored him by dumping a bunch of sand in their lobby: I bet that idea sounded much cooler on paper. I know exactly who had to clean that sand up, too… Your coach: It’s Todd Bowles! How’s it feel to still be in charge, Todd-o? This guy always looks like he just discovered an unexpected surcharge on his phone bill. But that’s not all, Jets fans. The team also retained general manager and Values Voter Summit attendee Mike Maccagnan! That’s a man who definitely thinks vapers are the most oppressed members of American society. The duo of Bowles and McCcccccagnagnagnao’ghan have won 10 games and been outscored by 218 points over the past two years, but Woody Johnson was apparently too busy raising his sons to be assholes and scouting out Irish golf courses for Trump that he didn’t bother jettisoning these two puds. Instead, the Jets gave Bowles and The Guy Who Drafted Christian Hackenburg a whole new cycle of roster development, starting with… Your quarterback: MY SON!!!!! Awwww, look at my boy! He’s got his father’s chin, you know. Let me tell you something: when you trade three second-rounders to move up three spots, and the dude you end up drafting looks like a drunk teenager at a Nantucket wedding, you’ve made a terrible mistake. Granted, the Jets were wise to get rid of all their second rounders, because everyone they’ve ever drafted in that round ever has been a bust, but still. Last season Sam Darnold threw 13 picks and fumbled 12 times in 14 games. A USC quarterback with a fumbling problem? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT BEFORE? It never gets old. If we were talking about Lamar Jackson, that kind of regression on the field would have dropped a QB down into the third round. Instead, every NFL scout was like LALALALALALA ALL I REMEMBER IS THAT ONE ROSE BOWL LALALALALA and Darnold got cloud-soft profiles like this one: You hear that, LaVar Ball? My son is an ANGEL. For real though, I am dumber for having read that, and I will be dumber for having watched Sam Darnold turn the ball over 87 times this coming season. Darnold, by the way, has already defied Jeff Pearlman’s character study by holding out of camp like a GLORY BOY instead of the supposed tape monk he’s being portrayed as above. Every other team in the world drafts a QB high and signs him instantly thanks to the rookie cap. Somehow the Jets failed in even this most rudimentary task because of course they did. The good news for you Jets fans is that, even if Darnold stinks, you no longer have to pretend that Bryce Petty was worth a sh*t. He’s with Miami now, and Christian Hackenberg is out of the league entirely after the Raiders needed just three weeks to figure out what the Jets needed two whole seasons to learn. Both those men were sunk costs from the beginning, and they have now been replaced by glass-boned sweetheart Teddy Bridgewater and 72-year-old man Josh McCown. I fully expect Josh McCown to be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame once his career ends because he will talk to any NFL writer at any time about anything. We could learn a lot from this … [checks notes] career 80.8-rated passer. If I read one more story about what a great mentor he’ll be to Darnold, I will sh*t in Fireman Ed’s hat. What’s new that sucks: The Jets exist in a perpetual state of building for the future but also making a handful of token WIN NOW moves so that the tabloids stay interested and no one involved gets fired. So say hello to Trumaine Johnson, who will get $26 million this season to have MetLife patrons hurl beers at him and tell him that he’s no Revis. Terrelle Pryor is also here. You have to work very hard to regress as a player after LEAVING the Browns, but I saw it happen with my own eyes last year. Pryor played like the ball was made of ******* anthrax. They also brought in free agent running back Isaiah Crowell, but I promise you that they’ll still manage to throw the ball 50 times a game anyway. Matt Forte retired, hopefully to take courses in graphic design. After spending years inexplicably feuding with their own defensive tackles, the Jets divested themselves of both Sheldon Richardson and Muhammad Wilkerson and now have a Goatse-sized hole in the front seven to show for it. HOORAY! I know the cooler Johnson brother is currently housesitting the franchise, but trust me, they will still find a way to Jets all this up. Mike Francesa quit and then un-quit because no one else would hire him. Mike Francesa has a mouth full of veneers and a head full of soup. What has always sucked: I think it’s time we all admitted the truth, which is that New York sucks. This isn’t an opinion. It’s supported fact now. Everything that used to make the city good—the people, the food, the energy—has been wiped out. The subway doesn’t work. All the interesting people got priced out of the tri-state area entirely and were forced to relocate to, like, Detroit. The restaurants are boilerplate high-end Vegas garbage. Linebacker Dylan Donahue got loaded and drove the wrong way through the Lincoln Tunnel because that is now, by far, the most efficient way of getting around town. Everything is soaking wet ALL THE TIME. Nothing works. The only people left are billionaire dipsh*ts and angry men in construction helmets. All the new real estate in town consists of 71-story luxury condo towers with one apartment per floor, each occupied for three weeks a year by the hideous nephew of some Uzbek cobalt magnate. New York City, itself, has become the Jets of cities: an expensive, boring wreck. What might not suck: This is the first time in a very long time when you Jets people could say, “Hey, at least we’re not the Giants.” Savor it. It won’t last. Let’s remember a Jet who sucked: To me the quintessential sucky Jet will always be Browning Nagle, because he was someone who clearly had NO potential and yet Jets fans expected the world of him anyway. Without Browning Nagle, there is no Bryce Petty. The man was a trailblazer. HEAR IT FROM JETS FANS! John: Jennifer: Anthony: Bryan: David: Ethan: Scott: Mathew: Peggy: Sean: John: Al: Rico: Rob: Kyle: Mike: Patrick: Oleg: Connor: Anthony: Lee: Adam: Rory: Gabe: Craig: Jason: Steve: Ephraim: Sean: Art: Christian Hackenberg Bryce Petty Tajh Boyd Geno Smith Greg McElroy Mark Sanchez Erik Ainge Kellen Clemens Brad Smith Brooks Bollinger Chad Pennington Chuck Clements Glenn Foley Jeff Blake BROWNING NAGLE Troy Taylor Bill Ransdell Mark: Thomas: Raymond: Richard: Evan: https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-new-york-jets-1828127277

Was just thinking the same thing...

Only kidding bro. I’d share my next bowl of key lime pie with you if you were further south. Cheers

Didn’t see that. Was the triggered Baker fan Paradis or was it Villian?

That last throw to Johnson was so pretty. Perfect read and technique. It is surreal watching Darnold as our QB. Sanchez and Pennington had their moments but they simply never had the level of talent that Darnold possesses, as a 21 year old.

A 6th or 7th? Where’d you get that from?

I’m sure that that would really make Darnold and his agent feel warm and fuzzy. “You’re the franchise and we’re behind you 100%. BUT....we’re going to resign a guy that wants to start at your position AND use resources that could go to towards supporting your play to pay the other guy. He’ll make more money than you as well, but it really means nothing.”

Me too. So freaking excited. Great time to be a Jet fan. Cheer bitches!

Yesssssss! I love Sam Darnold

Bullsh*t call

Hope I’m wrong but I think the offensive line will be the story of the 2018 season. Let’s not kid ourselves, not even one of the starters qualifies as “good”. Carpenter and Beachum might be average. And not only that but the line is just really thin. Not sure what Maccagnan is thinking here.

If this has to do with ground beef you can gfy

Right??? Some of these guys need tin foil hats. They are almost as ridiculous as the flat earthers. And not a single one of them owned up to their “stone cold guarantees” that we wouldn’t draft a QB back in April

One???

Start Darnold. Give him all of the practice reps with the #1’s. Let’s end the charade.