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greengeek

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Posts posted by greengeek


  1. There is some pretty reasonable stuff posted here from a buncha man-children (guilty as charged) on a football site. Not everything but better than stereotypes would have you believe.

    My family went through a very tough teenage period with my son. It included two suicide attempts, the more serious one within a week of a professional counselor saying that there was little chance of it happening again. His school gave us the choice of PINS or expelled. We found a third alternative with a sort of lockdown school that included character lessons for kids and parents. It was a rough two years in that program. As parents went through the program they could choose whether to get closely involved providing support to newer parents entering the program. I jumped into that pretty deep and as is typical learned more than I taught. Not everything I say is right, sanctioned by professionals, or recommended, but it is real from me.

    You will never make your stepson’s choices. Those are his and always will be. What you get to make are your choices, including how you choose to act and how you choose to feel (yes, you can choose how to feel...try it it works).

    A fundamental aspect of relationships is clarity in your communication. So long as your stepson is a minor, you won’t have an equal footing relationship. You all live in the household that belongs to you and your wife and ownership places you as the one to make the rules (and penalties). If a household runs with little and rare conflict, these can be made up on the fly. If the household is in crisis ( mine was) the rules and penalties need to be made explicit. It is a HUGE, TRYING, PAINFUL task to write these down. In my experience some parents did, some didn’t, some worked out some didn’t. My house made a rule list (levels of infractions, examples at each level, penalties at each level, agreement that items not covered have their level defined by parents). We were recommended that if the kid is past 18 a bag of personal items and a bus ticket to somewhere far away (chosen by kid) should be pre-assembled. We didn’t like that or do it. We did make broad rules in three levels in a two page document which was formed and agreed to by all three of us. Writing this was the more important step as it made very clear what our values were and having input from our son particularly on the penalties meant that when he chose to make an infraction, he chose the level of penalty and got it. There are different levels of success and need for this amount of formality. In our case WRITING IT was where all the value was found because of the clarity of expectation/penalty/values. It was then almost never needed to be used.

    One thing that was huge for us (and almost no one else...remember about that uniqueness principle) was to break down conflict as “facts” “interpretation” “feelings”. Example: You said blah (trying to use exact words so that is fact like a courtroom). I interpreted this as blahblah. I felt devastated because that reminded me of when blahblahblah. Notice that if done correctly, every stipulation is irrefutable. If the facts are facts... no dispute. Also, “I interpreted “ and “I felt” are irrefutable since we can’t read minds. The insight we gained into each other was excellent, but most of our friends and their families found this process artificial and useless.

    Pleaae take this as information and a possible opportunity to glean some options. Don’t take it as advice since I don’t know you, your wife, your stepson or ANYTHING except what I read here. I am in no position at all to offer advice and I am well aware that the things that worked/failed in my household were different than what worked/failed for the other parents who became close friends.

    Although no single principle was universal, the one that was far and away most important to me personally was to learn to cleanly and clearly distinguish my choices (for which I am accountable) from everyone else’s choices (for which they should be accountable, not me)...but that’s just me.

    Best wishes my friend.


    Sent from my iPhone using JetNation.com mobile app

    • Upvote 4

  2. One TV in the green geek household? 

    One BIG TV (75”) pro-quality amplifier and speakers, but only 5.1 since the mid speakers want to be one at fireplace and one at window. Other TV only 41” with internal speakers (not good enough for her). We don’t have them in bedrooms or kitchen like some people do...


    Sent from my iPhone using JetNation.com mobile app
    • Like 1

  3. I do find it intriguing that in the early rounds, we expected multiple WRs to drop and reap the benefits late. We now have one pick left and some are suggesting that if it still isn’t WR, no worries...UDFA!! What will we be saying during the Bye week?

     

    It seems JD’s and JN’s views on our WR status simply differ.

     

     

    Sent from my iPhone using JetNation.com mobile app

     

    • Upvote 1
    • Like 1

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