Here is an official transcript from the Giants meeting:
Michael Strahan: OK, guys, let's get started. Is everybody
here? Great. Plex, can you get the door?
Plaxico Burress: No.
Strahan: Why not?
Burress: It's a little out of my reach.
Strahan: You're kidding, right?
Burress: Not at all. If the door was right here where I
could get to it without any exertion I would gladly close it
for you. But it's not. Somebody put it way over there. And
it wasn't me so I shouldn't have to go out of my way to get
to it. That's not my style. Sorry.
Strahan: Geez. What an @#$%*!^. OK, then. Eli? Can you stop
whimpering in the corner for a moment to close the door so
we can start our meeting?
Eli Manning: Golly. Sure thing, Michael. I'd be happy to.
Thanks for asking. I'm just glad you fellas think I can be
of some help to you. It sure means a lot.
Strahan: Whatever, dork. Alright. Let's get started. The
reason for this players-only meeting is because we need to
pull together and start winning.
Tiki Barber: Exactly. I agree. We have to start getting me
Strahan: Uh, well, that could be one way I suppose, Tiki.
Barber: No, that's the only way. Getting me more carries is
the most important thing. Trust me on this. I'm smarter than
all of you. I know it. You know it. Even Coach Coughlin has
come to realize I am his intellectual superior. How did you
like that word, huh? "Intellectual." That's five syllables.
Strahan: Very impressive, Tiki. Thanks. Now that we've all
heard Tiki's thoughts, does anyone else have any suggestions
on how we can turn our season around?
Jeremy Shockey: Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! I have an idea.
Strahan: Jeremy, the floor is yours. Let's hear your
Shockey: We need more unity on this team, right? So why
don't we all go get the same tattoo? That would be so
badass. I say we all get a Limp Bizkit tattoo. That band is
awesome and they totally have the hard-core attitude we need
here. Who's with me? And you better say you're in or I'll
assume you're afraid of getting a tattoo and are a scared,
little, wussy girl. And I don't want no wussy girls on my
team. I'm from The U, baby! The U!
Strahan: Whoa there, Jeremy. Dial it back a bit. Can
somebody tranq him? Thanks. Let's hear from some other
veterans -- Ike Hilliard?
Amani Toomer: Who & me?
Strahan: Well, yeah. You're Ike Hilliard, aren't you?
Toomer: No. I'm Amani Toomer. Ike Hilliard hasn't been on
the team for a couple of years. I think he's on the
Strahan: Really? Hmm. I always did get you guys confused.
Well, whoever you are, let's hear your thoughts.
Toomer: Thank you. Listen up, guys. I've been on this team a
long time and one thing I know is ...
Strahan: Sorry, Ike. But I'm going to cut you off. We're
running short on time here.
Tim Hasselbeck: Hey, that's rude to cut someone off when
they're trying to talk.
Strahan: What do you know about it, third-stringer?
Hasselbeck: A lot, actually. My wife, Elisabeth, is a host
on "The View" and Rosie O'Donnell always cuts her off and it
hurts her feelings.
Shockey: You watch "The View"? Come over here. I'm going to
kick your ass.
Strahan: Somebody hit Shockey with another tranq dart. Tim,
I understand what you're saying. My apologies to Ike
Hilliard. And, Tim, please have your wife ask Rosie
O'Donnell if she can fill in on the line until I get
healthy. That lady is a beast.
Mathias Kiwanuka: I know I'm new here, but can I say
Strahan: Sure thing, rookie.
Kiwanuka: I want to share with you guys something an old
coach once told me. It really fired me up and is the most
valuable advice I have ever received. I was going through a
bad time, like we are now, and my coach pulled me aside,
looked me square in the eyes and said ...
Strahan: Uh, yes? And said what? You seemed like you had
something really good going there and then you just stopped
for no reason.
Kiwanuka: I know. I'm sorry. It's a bad habit of mine.
Manning: Umm, fellas? Hey, guys? You mind if I say a word or
Strahan: Have at it.
Manning: OK. Swell. Just give me a second here. My dad wrote
down some things for me to say and I have to find the paper.
He said if I read this to you guys you would respect me as a
Strahan: No, no, no, Eli. It's time to stop hiding behind
your family. You're a big boy now. If you don't have
anything that you want to say yourself from your own heart,
then we don't want to hear it. So do you have anything to
say that isn't from your daddy?
Manning: No. Not really. Well, that's not really true. I do
have one thing.
Strahan: Yes? Let's hear it.
Manning: I wish you guys would stop giving me wedgies.
Strahan: Not a chance.
Barber: Hey, can we wrap this up? My wife said I have to be
home by 5 p.m. today.
Jared Lorenzen: Yeah, I let's end this. I'm hungry.
Strahan: OK, OK. We're done. I hope we've all worked through
some issues in this meeting and that we're all primed to
beat the Cowboys this week. And remember -- anything that
was discussed in this meeting stays among us, the players.
Except if I need to fill some time on my radio show. Then I
reserve the right to say whatever I want about any of you.