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Priceless New York - Win Breakfast with Mike Tannenbaum


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Max if there's ever been an opportunity for you to provide some actual entertainment to people in your lifetime, it's the chance to fix this contest so Shane wins, and then videotaping it.

Dear Mastercard, I am writing to answer the question you've so tantalizingly posed, "What would be 'priceless' about the chance to have breakfast with the Jets GM?" My answer, simply: "Bacon

Mike Tanenbaum: "Nice to meet you Tom. What brings you here?" Tom: (mumbles under breath) "Glorious revenge brings me here" Mike: "Huh?" Tom: "Uh, nothing. Enjoying your bacon?"

So people want Tommy boy to go. I will PM him to see if he is interested, I might be able to pull some strings and get him there in addition to the winner.

Bah, like I've already said, he's a tough talker on these boards, but all evidence suggests that if presented with the man himself face to face, he'd be far too big of a gaping V to actually say a word of it. If anything, the humor would be in his awkward silence throughout the whole process.

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Bah, like I've already said, he's a tough talker on these boards, but all evidence suggests that if presented with the man himself face to face, he'd be far too big of a gaping V to actually say a word of it. If anything, the humor would be in his awkward silence throughout the whole process.

All available evidence suggests I'm Conan the Destroyer.

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I want that front row seat to the Tanny and Tom conversation.And I am willing to fly from Denver for that.

Likely outcomes being:

1. Tom is at his intwerwebz best and shuts Tanny up and JN will not be invited again,

2 Tom chickens out and its so silent and awkward that JN will not be invited again.

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I want that front row seat to the Tanny and Tom conversation.And I am willing to fly from Denver for that.

Likely outcomes being:

1. Tom is at his intwerwebz best and shuts Tanny up and JN will not be invited again,

2 Tom chickens out and its so silent and awkward that JN will not be invited again.

One thing...the Jets don't invite us to these things, the sponsors do. Money always talks! :)

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Dear Mastercard,

I am writing to answer the question you've so tantalizingly posed, "What would be 'priceless' about the chance to have breakfast with the Jets GM?"

My answer, simply: "Bacon."

First, however, I must say that I am most bemused by the irony with which you choose to include the terms "priceless" and "Tannenbaum" in the same sentence. "Why, Tom?," you may ask. Well, Mastercard, I'll thank you for asking me to expound upon my opening salvo and will continue with great fervor thusly:

Let's begin by considering the many different ways to define "priceless." Webster offers three definitions.

The first is the most commonly understood definition, "having a value beyond any price." This particular description would not apply to a "breakfast" with one Michael Tannebaum. Clearly, the food to be served will have a finite market value, as does Messr. Tannenbaum's time (we shall assume that this is a paid endorsement), as would the service, amenities, travel costs, etc. Thus, there is, therefore, a measurable "price" to be attached this experience. A cost; a quantifiable value, per se.

No, it is with the secondary and tertiary definitions that we can better hone in upon describing the experience of a so-called Breakfast With Tannenbaum (for which we shall use the acronym BWT henceforth).

The second definition Webster offers reads, "Having worth in terms of other than market value."

Ah. The irony.

Mastercard, have you heard of Calvin Pace? Perhaps you're aware of Curtis Martin? Or, perhaps, Chad Pennington? (Please note, it galls me to cite these names in our brief conversation regarding "market value"). I do so to illustrate the point that Messr. Tannenbaum has NO VERIFIABLE UNDERSTANDING of the term market value. A Certified Public Accountant by training, Tannenbaum has flouted the very principles of the free market by signing both Pace and Pennington to contracts that totalled exponentially over and beyond any conceivable measure that would have been defined by said "market."1 His coup de gras, however, was serving as the architect behind the dubiously conceived, doubly-disconcerting Curtis Martin de-facto "trade" and contract imbroglio. By ceding first and third round picks to the rival Patriots for a running back was fool-hearty enough, but to then grant Martin salary cap-strangling contracts totalling nearly $40 million dollars (US) for a running back with as much mileage as Martin had accumulated before he had yet to even don a Jets uniform? Ludicrous! Alas, let's not linger too long on this point. I mean, a man who's been in the job as long as Messr. Tannenbaum has is sure to have a few landmark foibles in pursuit of ultimate success, yes? What's that you ask, Mastercard? Surely such expenditures would result in a championship? Haha! No, Mastercard, it hasn't! Messr. Tannenbaum, CPA, has spent this money haphazardly with little return and no regard for his organization's future financial flexibility!2 These examples are but the tip of a leviathanic iceberg that are the very definition of operating under the premise of spending at a rate "other than market value." It's as if Noah Webster himself had Messr. Tannenbaum in mind when he wrote this very definition!3

The third definition is, of course, a trifle: "delightfully amusing, odd, or absurd." Were Mr. Webster alive today, I'm more than sure we'd share a knowing chuckle over this particular choice in terminology as we considered how priceless it is watching two diminutive caucasian safeties chasing, in vain, after considerably more athletic4 foes through the lens of this particular description. Odd and absurd, indeed!

Messr. Tannenbaum, you are indeed a solid two-thirds "priceless"!

In closing, and to answer your initial query, I think it would be "priceless" to attend BWT if only to stare into the eyes of the Dread Accountant, to watch him eat his bacon and his eggs, to sip his coffee, all the while meticulously calculating the amount of triglycerides accumulating in his cold, dank arteries; to imagine the clusters of trans-fats building stroke-inducing walls inside his veins; and to wonder when--when--this man, this...book-keeper, this person who has stolen over a decade of my life while in the employ of the New York Jets--when the toll that the inevitable existential angst caused by trading his soul for the opportunity to draft ever newer (yet familiar) incarnations of Anthony Schlegel finally causes him to walk away, head bowed in shame, a failure. Oh, bacon.

Bacon, bacon, bacon.

Work your magic, bacon5.

Sincerely,

Thomas Shane

1To wit, Calvin Pace is paid in roughly the same salary frame as fellow linebackers James Harrison and DeMarcus Ware, both perennial Pro-Bowlers, All-Pros and frequently mentioned in the conversation for NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Calvin Pace has never been voted to a Pro Bowl. Chad Pennington, similarly, was given a mammoth contract that the given market would value as "elite," despite the fact that his arm could project a football about as far as my penis is capable of projecting semen.

2 Which, incidentally, would make him the perfect mark for an unnamed, largely-unregulated corporation to entrap with a high-interest, predatory lending scheme! (Hint, hint!)

3Anachronistically, of course.

4 Noracist.

5 ****.yeah, bacon.

ILY, your posts always cheer me up.

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Mike Tanenbaum: "Nice to meet you Tom. What brings you here?"

Tom: (mumbles under breath) "Glorious revenge brings me here"

Mike: "Huh?"

Tom: "Uh, nothing. Enjoying your bacon?"

[Tom reaches for his pistol]

Mike: "Hey, I think I know who you are. You're the guy who said you'd tattoo my name on your chest if we won the Super Bowl last year!"

Tom: ".....................How did you know that?"

Mike: "I have to confess, I'm kind of a big fan. I read all your work at JN."

Tom: "No way!!!! Will you be my bff?"

[montage of Tom and Mike going to movies, eating ice cream, etc. while "You're my Best Friend" by Queen plays in background]

Tom: "Oh what a great day."

Mike: "Yep. Its too bad I have to kill you now."

Tom: "Wha....."

[gunshot]

Edited by Jetsfan80
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Max, to win this would mean so much to me. I have long desired to work in the NFL. I have written countless letters to the Jets, Giants, Ravens, and Eagles since I graduated from college this past May. Mike Tannenbaum has accomplished so much particularly with the Jets in such a short period of time. To meet with the general manager of my favorite team would be unimaginable. I feel that meeting him would be an invaluable opportunity to learn so much about running and building a successful football team.

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Max, to win this would mean so much to me. I have long desired to work in the NFL. I have written countless letters to the Jets, Giants, Ravens, and Eagles since I graduated from college this past May. Mike Tannenbaum has accomplished so much particularly with the Jets in such a short period of time. To meet with the general manager of my favorite team would be unimaginable. I feel that meeting him would be an invaluable opportunity to learn so much about running and building a successful football team.

You still won't get a job.

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NEW IDEA:

We award the ticket to the poster whose current, negative view on Sanchez MOST CONTRADICTS their previous, delusional-homer position on Sanchez.

Plenty o' candidates. Plennnnnnty o' candidates.

Really, there's only one. And he'll be disqualified if we win Thursday night.

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