The Gun Of Bavaria Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 (Oberheard on a secret FBI phone tap) Ring Ring Ring Herm Edwards: Hello? Bill Belichick: Herm, this is Bill, wasssssssssup? HE: Wassssssssssssup BB: Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup HE: Wasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssup BB: Anyways Herm, I have a problem and you're just the guy to talk to. HE: What the matter Bill? You need a motivational speech to fire the team up? Fans getting on your case about your 5 losses? You need defensive secondary advice? BB: Oh no Herm. While I appreciate it, I prefer to get my football questions answered from people actually knowledgeable about the game. I have a (ahem) physical issue with a key player and I need your expertise. HE: Physical Problem? Hell BB, you should have called me sooner, we haven't had a player take a physical in 5 seasons. Therefore we haven't had a physical problem since I started. It has worked great. BB: NO NO Herm. Jesus, How are you still here? Anyways, Herm I need your help with a player of mine, someone I'll refer to as Player X. HE: X? Is that like Mr. X from the old days of the WWF? Man I used to love that guy, with the mask and all. When he flew off the top ropes and tage teamed with Barry O, I used to spit out cereal through my nose. BB: GOD DAMN IT HERM, I'm talking about Tom Brady! HE: Oh, your "X" factor. Ha ha Bill, you're a funny guy, I get it now. What's wrong? His feelings hurt? Too much stress from being named Sportsman of the Year? Tara Reid too much for him. BB: No Herm I wish, you see, Tom has a torn ACL. HE: A what? BB: A torn ACL HE: A who? BB: A torn ACL Herm. HE: Well just have him call AT&T. As long as he paid for the Linebacker Service as part of his phone plan they'll fix it for free. BB: GOD DAMN IT HERM, he has a blown out knee. It's gone Herm, he tore his Anterior Cruciate Ligament. It looks like spaghetti in there. In fact it looks just like Chad's shoulder Post-Op, that's why I called you. HE: Wow you got yourself a problem there Bill. I tell you what, we're looking to dump salary. I can trade you Vinny Testdaverde for some Maine Lobster and a case of Sam Adams. We got ourself a deal? BB: A replacement isn't what I want Coach. What I want is for Brady to play. I know you're not familiar with this area of football Herm, but we're about to win the division and the playoffs are coming up. HE: Playoffs? What's that Bill? BB: Another time Herm. HE: Well OK. Well what do you want from me then? I'm kind of in a hurry you know. Oprah is on at 4 and I think this is the episode that she gives away everything she likes to the audience. I heard her favorite NFL QB was Peyton Manning so I had Dick Curl sneak into the audience in case she gives them out. BB: I need to know how you got Chad Pennington to play 6 weeks of football on a torn rotator cuff? How do you make a man play through a season ending injury? HE: Who Bill? BB: Chad Pennington. HE: Who? BB: Chad Pennington Herm, your QB. HE: Chad Pennington, we don't have a QB here by that name,we have Brooks Bollinger Bill. You know I once saw a picture of Brooks in a "Cat In The Hat" striped top hat Bill, I still laugh when I see that. BB: God damn it Herm can you stick to the subject at hand for 5 minutes. HE: Sorry Bill, you know I have trouble managing my time at times. Get it? Times at times? Ha Ha Ha BB: Herm my long distance minutes are running low, I need to get going. Herm you remember Chad, that guy you're paying $64 Million to wave a towel over his head. HE: Oh Chad, yeah he's a hell of a 12th man. he really gets that crowd going. What you want with my cheerleader Bill? BB: Well at one point in time Herm, he was your franchise QB and you somehow got him to play the last part of a season with what supposed to be a season ending rotator cuff injury. How did you do it? HE: Oh you mean #10. Now I know what you're talking about. Well first Bill, you need to be motivated. You need to prepare an uplifting speech that you can give him in your office. BB: That's it Herm? That's how you got Chad through the season? I mean you guys nearly played us in the Title game? HE: Well that's not all Bill. You see I told the Team Doctor to switch the film. BB: Switch the film? HE: Yeah you know Bill. Switch the film? Kind of like when you're watching a movie on TiVo and all of sudden you hit the wrong button and BOOM I mean before you know it Top Gun is on and you're like - Oh no man this is the part where Goose gets killed, I hate this part. So you switch it back so whatever your watching isn't as bad as what's really going on. BB: (Silence) HE: Anyways I had the team doctor switch the MRI film before presenting it to Chad. He thought he was looking at his recent film but it was actually film he took before we drafted him years ago. You see we showed him good film and hid the bad film. Pretty damn sneaky I think if you ask me. BB: So you lied to Chad? HE: No no, come on now Bill. Who said anything about lying? We merely withheld the truth until such time it was convienent for us. BB: So you lied to him Herm? HE: No No Bill, we told him the truth. Right after that team sponsored fishing trip we sent him on. Look Bill it's really easy. Tell him he's important. Tell him he's the only thing that can insure a Super Bowl trip. Tell him it's not that bad, that a couple shots can take the edge off the pain and that the pride that will come from continuing to be a warrior will make him forget he even had knee pain. BB: You think he'll buy it. HE: I know he will Bill. It's worked multiple times for me. Hell I had Curtis Martin playing for 11 weeks on a bad knee before he got wise and figured it out. It's a sure fire plan Bill. It can't help but work. BB: Well I guess I can give it a try. So I soften him up with a motivational speech. Let him know what he means to us, tell him he's the man to take us to the super bowl. Then I switch his film, fill his knee with Cortizone, stick him out there, and then soften him up with a fishing trip before telling him the truth about his knee? HE: Damn Bill, you got it. See what kind of coach I am Bill. BB: OK, I guess I'll give it a shot. HE: Don't worry Bill, it works every time. And don't lose any sleep, when we play you in a few weeks, I'll have my defense take it easy on Tom's knee. Just tell him to go down when they tag him with 2 hands. It will be our little secret. BB: Ok Herm, well thanks for the advice, I guess. We'll see how it works. See ya in a few weeks at your place. Take care. HE: You know Bill you and me, we're tighter then most people think. We have a lot in common you and me. click....dial tone HE: Hello? Hello? Bill you there? Hellllo? Helooo? Huh, I don't get it, why would he just hang up on me like that? Hmm. Oooooh, Oprah's on. HEY, there's Dick. Come on Oprah, Daddy wants a new QB........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetsBlow99 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Bored Jets fans?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormshadow19 Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sirlancemehlot Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 well done It's funny because Herm is stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I put a bookmark in it. I'll finish reading it tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatsFanTX Posted December 12, 2005 Share Posted December 12, 2005 I put a bookmark in it. I'll finish reading it tomorrow. I think GOB co-wrote that with Hammer and YJF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green DNA Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 That, ladies and gentlemen, was the "War and Peace" of JN posts (although W&P was a little shorter). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatsFanTX Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 That, ladies and gentlemen, was the "War and Peace" of JN posts (although W&P was a little shorter). What's the over/under on the number of donuts GOB devoured writing that post? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Dierking Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 GOB-You are missing your calling-You should be a playwrite. You could bag a babe like Arthur Miller did. Why do I actually feel more stupid for having read that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barton Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 What's the over/under on the number of donuts GOB devoured writing that post? LMAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BwanaZulia Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Bored Jets fans?? Very. But it was funny. BZ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugg Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Mike Shanahan is disliked by Paul Tagliabue. Mike Shanahan doesn't really give a flying fkc who likes or dislikes him. When the Broncos pull stunts like this with the injury report, they get fined, heavily. They also win 2 Super Bowls. Hermie is beloved by the NFL office and his rabbi, Tags. Hermie owes this job to the NFL and Tags for foisting Hermie on a gullible owner with their "cut the line" program, even if he cut actually-qualified guys like Marv Lewis. Hermie would happily and readily fly where ever the NFL sends him to bore salesmen in ballrooms all winter for $17,500, off-season conditioning and OTAs be damned. Hermie plays with the injury report regarding his QB and feature back 2 seasons running. Jets lose, anyway. And the NFL office doesn't say a damn thing. Jets "fine"lly get a benefit from having the Master Whatever coaching this team. Mark your calendar. Doesn't happen often, may be not ever. The word is PITY. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Dierking Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Mike Shanahan is disliked by Paul Tagliabue. Mike Shanahan doesn't really give a flying fkc who likes or dislikes him. When the Broncos pull stunts like this with the injury report, they get fined, heavily. They also win 2 Super Bowls. Hermie is beloved by the NFL office and his rabbi, Tags. Hermie owes this job to the NFL and Tags for foisting Hermie on a gullible owner with their "cut the line" program, even if he cut actually-qualified guys like Marv Lewis. Hermie would happily and readily fly where ever the NFL sends him to bore salesmen in ballrooms all winter for $17,500, off-season conditioning and OTAs be damned. Hermie plays with the injury report regarding his QB and feature back 2 seasons running. Jets lose, anyway. And the NFL office doesn't say a damn thing. Jets "fine"lly get a benefit from having the Master Whatever coaching this team. Mark your calendar. Doesn't happen often, may be not ever. The word is PITY. Bugg-How did the Jets "play" with the injury reports? You are talking about Chad and Martin, I assume, At no time, did the Jets list their injuries and probabilities of playing, and then change those come game time, ala Shanahan and Bellichick. The Jets did not conceal thjat their players did not (or did) have injuries. That is what the NFL is concerned about, for betting and information purposes. Everyone knew they were injured, and the Jets never changed their status. What they DID NOT tell, was precisely what the injuries were. That is not anything that is done on an every week basis. I understand your venom. But you are going in areas that don't deserve it, when there are so many other fertile areas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatsFanTX Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 You are talking about Chad and Martin, I assume, At no time, did the Jets list their injuries and probabilities of playing, and then change those come game time, ala Shanahan and Bellichick. Dierk, Are you implying that BB is an unethical HC? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxman Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 I put a bookmark in it. I'll finish reading it tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scott Dierking Posted December 13, 2005 Share Posted December 13, 2005 Dierk, Are you implying that BB is an unethical HC? All I am saying is that BB has played with injury reports and has been less than forthcoming. Whether that is unethical is not for me to decide, but teh NFL. Me, I would rather my coach do everything with his power, ethical or unethical, to win. To BB's credit, he has been successful. If that has earned some admonishment from the League ofice, or a lightening of his pocketbook, so be it. The point of my diatribe was that what Herm did was not deceive anyone as to the injuries his players had. They were correctly labeled on the injury reports, and there was no last minute bait and switch. The Jets curried no favor from the League, as Bugg suggests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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