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"Holiday Party"


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This is hysterical.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2012

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take

place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room

at the Grill House.. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!

We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing

along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa

Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts

among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be

over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2012

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same

policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to

those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas

tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of

music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2012

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy

to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that

reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed

to handle this?


And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed

since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the

executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2012

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins

the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking

during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can

appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our

Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on

serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything

for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest

from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest

to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit

with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks

that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about

confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in

the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood

pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but

the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?


Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All ****ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2012

RE: The ****ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this

party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit

quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so

quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including

organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They

scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them

scream right NOW!

The rest of you ****ing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a

rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

Company Memo


FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2012

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery

and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and

give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!


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damn... you got onto my family's email list... they're like a virus...

this ones funny, but I'll try to get them to stop before you get the salutes to the greatest generation and send this to five people and back to me or I'll club this seal ones....

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