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Your mocks are fallacious. My mock is the truth.


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Stumbled across the NFL.com mock-maker and did it at 3 am, because insomnia.

1. Chiefs: Luke Joeckel-- I think Reid tries like a bastard to dump out of this pick, but nobody is crazy desperate to trade up this high for tackles or linebacker projects.

Tanny's take-- Andy Reid misses a big opportunity here to scoop up Matt Barkley and give him $50 million dollars. USC is a quarterback factory!

2. Jaguars: Barkevious Mingo-- Their newest GM, likewise, would love to bail out of here, but is instead forced to settle on Mingo, who on paper has everything you want in a young LB (except production).

Tanny's take: Mingo tested well, but had a lot of games at LSU where he disappeared. Major program players who disappear for long stretches but run well at the Combine usually work out, am I right, Eric? Whoops, I mean, Scott?

3. Raiders: Jarvis Jones-- I think they consider Geno Smith here, but ultimately get freaked out by Jamarcus Russell flashbacks. Jones' 40 sucked, but tape don't lie.

Tanny's take: Wow, this is a surprise pick here, Everybody knows that linebackers who don't run good 40s always stink. By the way, Eric Mangini made me draft Vernon Gholston. Oh my God, did I say that on the air? Haha. Whoops.

4. Eagles: Eric Fisher-- Chip Kelly is going to run that ill-fated run-and-shoot bullsh*t, so he takes an athletic OLman to extend Mike Vick's life until at least Week Three.

Tanny's take-- This is where I drafted D'Brickashaw Ferguson, so you know it's smart. Hey, I'm available for hire and you can find my resume on Careerbuilder, guys.

5. Detroit Lions: Tavon Austin-- They've gotta keep people off Megatron's dick and their last slot receiver went insane. Austin, Reggie Bush, and Megatron could be scary.

Tanny's take-- Remember that time I traded for Santonio Holmes with a fifth rounder? Austin is smaller than Holmes, at the fifth OVERALL pick. Check out my profile on LinkedIn. Seriously.

6. Browns: Dee Milliner-- Mike Lombardi goes BPA and adds a top corner to Joe Haden and his group of FA pass rushers.

Tanny's take--I drafted Darrelle Revis once.

7. Arizona Cardinals: Geno Smith-- Bruce Arians sees enough moldable talent in Smith to take a shot with him. He's done more with less in his career.

8. Buffalo Bills: Bjoern Werner--They think about Matt Barkley here, but the thought of adding another smallish QB with a weakish arm after the Ryan Fitzpatrick Error stops Buddy Nix cold, and he instead drafts a gritty, blue-collar white guy to play with Mario Williams.

Tanny's take-- I like Buffalo a lot. I like the area, and I know Buddy Nix is near death up there, soooooo, Ralph. Gimme a call. Werner is a nice player. Buffalo wings are a personal fave, by the way. Chicken and hot sauce. Mm mmmm

9. Jets: Dion Jordan-- Here's the scene in the War Room:

Woody: "We can really sell that Barkley kid. He's a looker."

Rex: "You give me four years with him, I'll turn him into Marino, Itellya."

Idzik: "I thought I told you two to wait in the hallway?"

Jordan is versatile, smart, and athletic, so he'll still be useful now and when the next coach comes in.

Tanny's take--Hmmm I really would have thought about Matt Barkley there. He'd look amazing in a pair of white chino's right away. Instead of wasting a pick on Jordan, they could have just given Dwight Freeney a five year, $42 million dollar deal. Seems silly, but whatever. Dumb. John Idzik is stupid. A stupid man.

10. Titans: Star Lotuleilei--Value.

11. Chargers: Sharrif Floyd--Valuer.

12. Dolphins: Lane Johnson--Jake Long replacement.

13. Jets (from Buccaneers): Cordarrelle Patterson-- Idzik takes the Bucs to the 11th hour and ultimately extracts a 2013 first and third, along with a 2014 second and fourth for Darrelle Revis. Because of this, Patterson is booed mercilessly as he takes the stage. John Idzik feasts on your angst.

Tanny's take--Obviously, the Jets don't have any idea what the draft is about.

14. Panthers: Chance Warmack

15. Saints: Ziggy Ansah--They've been striking out on pass rushers all offseason.

16. Rams: Tyler Eifert--Brian Schottenheimer can't wait to turn him into Matt Mulligan.

17. Steelers: Johnathan Cooper--Steelers can have the best interior group in the league.

18. Dallas Cowboys: Xavier Rhodes--Because he has a 94 Speed rating on Jerry Jones' copy of NCAA Football '12 for Playstation.

19. New York Giants: Manti Te'o-- This hurt me to do, but Jerry Reese doesn't pass up good football players, which Te'o is. The Giants need leadership on what can be a flaky defense, and Te'o will give them that. Carl gloats for months.

Tanny's take-- I drafted two gay players in my time, but I didn't out them because I thought that would be unethical. I mean, I told Rich Cimini once that I caught a guy whose name rhymed with "Bark Manchez" giving a handjob to a guy whose name rhymed with "Mustin Meller," but that's as far as I ever went with that. I like gays. I think they're solid people. If there are any gays out there who need tax help, hit me up on Facebook. Seriously."

20. Raiders (from Bears): Matt Barkley-- The Raiders can't help themselves, and essentially trade the Bears the first overall pick in 2014 for the right to draft Matt Barkley. Bears fans rejoice, but still bitch.

Tanny's take-- great trade for the Raiders. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, even if the one in your hand sucks and is expensive.

21. Bengals: Eric Reid-- Reid has juuuuust enough sociopathology to make him a Marvin Lewis fave.

22. Rams: DJ Fluker-- If you're gonna make a Schottenheimer offense work, you need to invest five first rounders into that offensive line.

23. Vikings: Quanterus Smith

24. Colts: Keenan Allen

25. Vikings: Johnathan Hankins

26. Packers: Eddie Lacy--They have to keep Rodgers alive.

27. Texans-- Des Trufant

28. Broncos-- Zach Ertz

29. Pats-- Arthur Brown

30. Falcons-- Kenny Vaccaro

31. Niners-- Tank Carradine

32. Ravens-- John Cyprien

Edited by T0mShane
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Your mock blows starting with Jones at 3, the crack pipe hitting Austin at 5, Floyd all the way back at 11, down to Teo as high as 19 with a twist of Eric Reid at 21 which burns the eyes.

SO'S YOUR FACE.

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 Floyd all the way back at 11, 

 

 

i dont see all the Floyd hype. He has something like 4 career sacks. He has short arms so the 3-4 DE conversion is tough. Star is a better DT prospect (despite the heart thing). Not saying Floyd is bad I just don't see any great reason to take him top 5. Even great DL like JJ Watt, Ngata and Raji didn't go top 5. The ones that do go top 5 are Suh (18+ career sacks) and Dareus (national tv moments like knocking Colt McCoy out of games). In short Tom's projection could be right, Floyd could drop out of the top 10. The Jets don't need this player (Wilk and Coples essentially play the same position). 

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Your mock blows starting with Jones at 3, the crack pipe hitting Austin at 5, Floyd all the way back at 11, down to Teo as high as 19 with a twist of Eric Reid at 21 which burns the eyes.

 

Agreed.  This things a stinky pile of sh*t.  Just like its author.

 

Detroit passes on the desperate need of CB to draft a slot WR, as if they have hard time finding CJ or moving the chains?  Stupid.

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I'd love Jordan at 9 but give me Warmack or Eifert at 13 (in theory).

As far as Te'o is concerned he ran 4.75 and 4.71 at the pro day and benched 21 times. First round lock and better numbers than Jarvis Jones.

 

How can you trust those numbers to be true?  Or that is was the same amount of weight?  Did he actually run a 40 or a 35?

 

Just sayin

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How can you trust those numbers to be true? Or that is was the same amount of weight? Did he actually run a 40 or a 35?

Just sayin

What? If he ran five less yards he would have shaved much more than .11 seconds off. ESPN was there covering so if something was wrong, they would report it. Your line of questioning is illogical.

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What? If he ran five less yards he would have shaved much more than .11 seconds off. ESPN was there covering so if something was wrong, they would report it. Your line of questioning is illogical.

 

Did that really go over your head?

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Tannenbaum's take on pick 13 could be said to be spot on. I do like Jordan THO. Gotta love how T0m's hunt for a Real Football Man isn't getting in the way of propping up the new guy until he disappoints.

Edited by SenorGato
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Shut your face, Gato. You wanted Chet Hale and imagined up some fantasy trade wherein Cromartie is traded for a package of picks. My 12" dick is more feasible than anything rattling around in that THC-soaked coconut of yours, hippie.

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chet.jpg

 

Haha.  That movie was classic.

 

Did you know he was in the original Terminator?  I was watching it the other day and the scene where naked Arnold approaches some punks and rips the guys heart out and takes their clothes.  He was one of those punks.  

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Yeah, Bill Paxton might be the single greatest actor in history. I just watched the Terminator last week or so. He stole that scene. He also stole Aliens, the greatest movie ever made.

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