Serby's lastest column?

[ali]

Some many questions, so few answers, following these latest (and potentially devastating) injuries to the Jets CBs. Here'sa parody of a spots column you will never read in the Post of the Daily News.

 

 

***

 

As a porfessional sportwwriter who has watched and written about the Jets for far too long, I have finally had to ask myself why it is that the current incarnation of the Jets regime seem so lost?

 

There could be many reasons for the total failure of the Jets as an NFL franchise to achieve much beyond their one and only SB win when there was still a Jetmobile and Jetset majorettes.(other than some improbable successes during the first two years of the Rex reign).

 

After doing some intense soul searching, and consulting with some top coaches and scouts and NFL gurus, I've come up with a few yin yangs. Here they are:

 

1. The Jets do not win because they have never shown proper respect for their founder, Harry Wismer. Without Wismer, there would be no Jets.

Who can forget those immortal lines from Godfather II: That kid's name was Harry, Harry Wismer, and the team he invented were the NY Jets. This was a great man, a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a plaque, or a signpost or a statue of him at MetLife Stadium! Someone threw him down the stairs of a restaurant, or maybe he fell. No one knows who gave the order. No one knows what really happened. When I heard it, I wasn't angry; I knew Harry, I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen; I didn't ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with business!

 

2. Jet fans are complete moral degenerates. At Shea, they were not above throwing bottles of Colt 45 on the field of play, and urinate in the sink in the men's room because they didn't feel like waiting in line and were usuall bursting with beah by halftime and about to pee in their pants. We need to have polite fans, who give appreciativeb golf claps when a TD is scored, or maybe not show up at all, like Jaguar fans, and maybe go stick around the pews with Gastineau on Sundays instead, because it is the morally might thing to do, until the team improves and that arrogant, elitist PSL system is forever banished.

 

3. Unlike other football owners, Woody is a poor little rich kid who has never had to work a day in his life at a real job. While the Jets PR machine pimps him as some kind of business savvy philanthropist, the truth is the he is easily led by the nose by various politicians, whom he tries to impress by throwing money at them, and lured into ludicrous construction stadium construction schemes by real estate moguls and corrupt City Hall hacks, who always make sit at the kiddie table during biz meetings. As for his actual football knowledge -- after many years of being the owner of the Jets, he still didn't know enough about the business of football to find his own GM, and had to hired someone to do it for him. Pathetic.

 

4. The man Woody finally "choose" to be his GM had no prior experience to speak of in terms of actually drafting or putting together an NFL. team Thanks to his Daddy, Idzik got a job with the Seahawks as a "football administrator," whatever that means. Sources close to the situation say Idzik has three signs on the walls of his office. These are: 1) I'm in charge now. 2) I'm not going to spend any money. 3) I have a long term master plan. The only problem with that last one is the current GM just can't quite articulate what it is.

 

5. The Jets are cursed because they abandoned their natural home/constituency and fled to the NJ swamps where the games are haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. The Jets never should have left Long Island, and instead should have played their games at Oceanside High School for few years, while their own new stadium (not shared with the darned Mets, which was the curse the first decade or so) was built sometime near the World Fair grounds, complete with a shrine to Wismer at entrance (see point #1), and free flowing Guinness on tap.

 

6. The team has not had a serious coach since Weeb, they mostly been a bunch of losers, some of whom had no business staying in the job as long as they did. Parcells was a egomaniac sugar high guy, post his Giants tenure, who gave you instant results, but left every team he went to in tatters... since it was all about him, not whatever team he happened to be disemboweling at any given post-Giants moment. Rexy is a positive guy, and nice guy, but a bit of a buffoon, who would be much happier if confined to defensive coach duties -- if he can come with a zone defense (there are many, he could tried reading about them on Wiki) -- there are, after all, other schemes besides man coverage) that makes up for the deficiencies of his current roster. For example, can he establish a new zone scheme and turn Johnny Patrick in wonder man in 3 short weeks? Probably not, but he could try, before Idzik in a panic gives away the keys to the kingdom for some washed up semi retired CB. Also, Rex should not be allowed to make any decisions whatsoever about the offense -- including timeouts, inserting players, calling plays, or selecting offensive players via the draft. This way he can focus on removing that ludicrous tat.

 

7. The curse of Namath. The Jets drafted probably one of the most charismatic, talented players to ever play the game, who probably would have won multiple Superbowls and set multiple records had his knees not been destroyed with the Crimson Tide. His passes were a thing of beauty, and he actually called his own games. Since then, it has been the perpetual search for a new Namath, the new savior, the new keeper of the QF flame, starting with the infamous Todd is God, and going on ad nauseum from then till today. The Jets organization should hold an exorcism this summer at MetLife Stadium, attended if not led by Namath himself, with a burning of an effigy of a #12 mannequin in the center of the field. Retro fans should be forced to attend a free (paid by Woody) Betty Ford Namath Detox and 28 day rehab, before being allowed buy tickets, to wean them off this absurd and pointless hope that one day, one day, and this day will be here real soon, cause Geno, yes it's really Geno this time, who's going the Franchise, if not second coming of Joe Willie. There will never be another Namath. Jet fans just have to get over it.

 

8. The obsession with New England. Yes, Tom Brady, who was not drafted as a franchise QB, has bedeviled the Jets for the last decade or so, just like Steve Grogan used to do. But unlike Grogan, Tommy Boy has actually bought a house in Manhattan, an insult, yes, a slap in the face of every green blooded Jets fan, who ought to picket outside his house until he leaves the Big Apple and never returns. And on the field, our vaunted D line should try mussing his nice hair a little more... Tommy really doesn't play well when that happens.

 

The truth is, if the Jets coaching brass can establish and stick with an effective O system and find a competent quarterback to work in that system, while allowing for some creative leeway, they will do fine (anyone notice how well Mark seem to be doing suddenly in Philly?). This Superbowl or bust mantra every year has to go. The words Superbowl should not be allowed to be uttered by any Jets coach or player, as well as empty phrases such as "without a doubt," and "all that stuff" or "all those kinds of things" or "the player who gives us the best chance to win. A 5000 dollar fine any time any of those phrases are used might do the trick.

 

A final thought. There is only 1 team that can win the SB every year. All Woody has to understand, -- and this will difficult for someone who was fed with a silver spoon all this life -- is that the Jets are a business venture in which he is expected to provide a superior sports entertainment product. It's not about him using the Jets to feed his ego or going all the way or being the best in the NFL at this or that. Allowing his player and coaches, year after year, to say these kind of things only betray his own NFL immaturity.

A little modesty and humility, a focus on results, and a couple of reasonably successful campaigns in a row, without suddenly dismantling what works, and shying away from signing circus acts, might go a long way to convincing the rest of the NFL and Jets fans that this team is finally back on the right track.

 

 

[pointman]

I stopped reading when two of the first four words were misspelled. 

[ali]

I stopped reading when two of the first four words were misspelled. 

indeed.  this satirical  post has several typos.  i should shoot myself.  and like a doofus, i even posted it twice by mistake!  cheers.

[Integrity28]

Spelling, punctuation, missing words, wrong tense... Who wrote this?

[Jolot]

Is there an imaginary Richard Todd in the house?

[ali]

Spelling, punctuation, missing words, wrong tense... Who wrote this?

all right all right i ran it through typo hell and fixed a lot of the issues. have to go to work so only fixed half of it.  so if a stickler for grammar, read this version instead.

 

So many questions, so few answers, following the latest (and potentially devastating) injuries to the Jets CBs. Here's a parody of a sports column you will never read in the Post of the Daily News.

***

As a professional sportswriter who has watched and written about the Jets for far too long, I have finally had to ask myself why is it that the current incarnation of the Jets regime seem so lost?

There could be many reasons for the total failure of the Jets as an NFL franchise to achieve much beyond their one and only SB win when there was still a Jetmobile and Jetset majorettes.(other than some improbable successes during the first two years of the Rex reign).

After doing some intense soul searching, and consulting with some top coaches and scouts and NFL gurus, I've come up with a few yin yangs, er, thoughtful and well-argued reasons. Here they are:

1. The Jets do not win because they have never shown proper respect for their founder, Harry Wismer. Without Wismer, there would be no Jets.

Who can forget those immortal lines from Godfather II: That kid's name was Harry, Harry Wismer, and the team he invented were the NY Jets. This was a great man, a man of vision and guts. And there isn't even a plaque, or a signpost or a statue of him at MetLife Stadium! Someone threw him down the stairs of a restaurant, or maybe he fell. No one knows who gave the order. No one knows what really happened. When I heard it, I wasn't angry; I knew Harry, I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go. And I said to myself, this is the business we've chosen; I didn't ask who gave the order, because it had nothing to do with business!

2. Jet fans are complete moral degenerates. At Shea, they were not above throwing bottles of Colt 45 on the field of play, and urinate in the sink in the men's room because they didn't feel like waiting in line and were usually bursting with beah by halftime and about to pee in their pants. We need to have polite fans, who give appreciative golf claps when a TD is scored, or maybe not show up at all, like Jaguar fans, and maybe go stick around the pews with Gastineau on Sundays instead, because it is the morally might thing to do, until the team improves and that arrogant, elitist PSL system is forever banished.

3. Unlike other football owners, Woody is a poor little rich kid who has never had to work a day in his life at a real job. While the Jets PR machine pimps him as some kind of business savvy philanthropist, the truth is he is easily led by the nose by various politicians, whom he tries to impress by throwing money at them, and lured into ludicrous stadium construction schemes by real estate moguls and corrupt City Hall hacks, who always make Woody sit quietly with his hands folded at the kiddie table during biz meetings. As for his actual football knowledge -- after many years of being the owner of the Jets, he still didn't know enough about the business of football to find his own GM, and had to hire someone to do it for him. Sad.

4. The man Woody finally "choose" to be his GM had no prior experience to speak of in terms of actually drafting or putting together an NFL. team Thanks to his Daddy, Idzik got a job with the Seahawks as a "football administrator," whatever that means. Sources close to the situation say Idzik has three signs on the walls of his office. These are: 1) I'm in charge now. 2) I'm not going to spend any money. 3) I have a long term master plan. The only problem with that last one is the current GM just can't quite articulate what it is.

5. The Jets are cursed because they abandoned their natural home/constituency and fled to the NJ swamps where the games are haunted by the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa. The Jets never should have left Long Island, and instead should have played their games at Oceanside High School for few years, while their own new stadium (not shared with the darned Mets, which was the curse the first decade or so) was built sometime near the World Trade Fair grounds, complete with a golden shrine toWismer at the entrance (see point #1), and of course free-flowing Guinness on tap.

6. The team has not had a serious coach since Weeb, they mostly been a bunch of losers, some of whom had no business staying in the job as long as they did. Parcells was a egomaniac sugar high guy, post his Giants tenure, who gave you instant results, but left every team he went to in tatters... since it was all about him, not whatever team he happened to be disemboweling at any given post-Giants moment. Rexy is a positive guy, and nice guy, but a bit of a buffoon, who would be much happier if confined to defensive coach duties -- if he can come with a zone defense (there are many, he could tried reading about them on Wiki) -- there are, after all, other schemes besides man coverage) that makes up for the deficiencies of his current roster. For example, can he establish a new zone scheme and turn Johnny Patrick in wonder man in 3 short weeks? Probably not, but he could try, before Idzik in a panic gives away the keys to the kingdom for some washed up semi retired CB. Also, Rex should not be allowed to make any decisions whatsoever about the offense -- including timeouts, inserting players, calling plays, or selecting offensive players via the draft. This way he can focus on removing that ludicrous tat.

7. The curse of Namath. The Jets drafted probably one of the most charismatic, talented players to ever play the game, who probably would have won multiple Superbowls and set multiple records had his knees not been destroyed with the Crimson Tide. His passes were a thing of beauty, and he actually called his own games. Since then, it has been the perpetual search for a new Namath, the new savior, the new keeper of the QF flame, starting with the infamous Todd is God, and going on ad nauseam from then till today. The Jets organization should hold an exorcism this summer at MetLife Stadium, attended if not led by Namath himself, with a burning of an effigy of a #12 mannequin in the center of the field. Retro fans should be forced to attend a free (paid by Woody) Betty Ford Namath Detox and 28 day rehab, before being allowed buy tickets, to wean them off this absurd and pointless hope that one day, one day, and this day will be here real soon, cause Geno, yes it's really Geno this time, who's going the Franchise, if not second coming of Joe Willie. There will never be another Namath. Jet fans just have to get over it.

8. The obsession with New England. Yes, Tom Brady, who was not drafted as a franchise QB, has bedeviled the Jets for the last decade or so, just like Steve Grogan used to do. But unlike Grogan, Tommy Boy has actually bought a house in Manhattan, an insult, yes, a slap in the face of every green blooded Jets fan, who ought to picket outside his house until he leaves the Big Apple and never returns. And on the field, our vaunted D line should try mussing his nice hair a little more... Tommy really doesn't play well when that happens.

The truth is, if the Jets coaching brass can establish and stick with an effective O system and find a competent quarterback to work in that system, while allowing for some creative leeway, they will do fine (anyone notice how well Mark seem to be doing suddenly in Philly?). This Superbowl or bust mantra every year has to go. The words Superbowl should not be allowed to be uttered by any Jets coach or player, as well as empty phrases such as "without a doubt," and "all that stuff" or "all those kinds of things" or "the player who gives us the best chance to win. A 5000 dollar fine any time any of those phrases are used might do the trick.

A final thought. There is only 1 team that can win the SB every year. All Woody has to understand, -- and this will difficult for someone who was fed with a silver spoon all this life -- is that the Jets are a business venture in which he is expected to provide a superior sports entertainment product. It's not about him using the Jets to feed his ego or going all the way or being the best in the NFL at this or that. Allowing his player and coaches, year after year, to say these kind of things only betray his own NFL immaturity.

A little modesty and humility, a focus on results, and a couple of reasonably successful campaigns in a row, without suddenly dismantling what works, and shying away from signing circus acts, might go a long way to convincing the rest of the NFL and Jets fans that this team is finally back on the right track.

[pointman]

I don't get it.

[Bugg]

Serby writes 2 columns for the Jets and Giants;

The Jets or Giants are the greatest team in the NFL and are destined to win the Super Bowl;or

the Jets or Giants are the epitome of awfulness, run by drunks,fools and knaves and feature players who have no business on an NFL roster.

[Integrity28]

lulz... no

[AFJF]

I don't get it.

I didn't either...at least what I was able to get through.

[Larz]

does he post here ?

 

(i get it was a parody)

[ZachEY]

I'm sure if I read it, it would be great.

[pointman]

Delete this thread, ban op, bring back Braylon. Not necessarily that order.

[Klecko73isGod]

[peebag]

Is there an imaginary Richard Todd in the house?

 

I don't know why, but this really made me guffaw a whole lot.

[Klecko73isGod]

I don't know why, but this really made me guffaw a whole lot.

 

Richard Todd's name comes to mind every time Steve Serby is mentioned. 

[GREENBEAN]

I stopped reading when two of the first four words were misspelled. 

lol  THIS

[BroadwayJoe12]

I like it. Kid's got moxie.