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Why the Pats are the Greatest Team Ever


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I can't take credit for this, but this is one of the funniest things that I ever read.

The Patriots' tears cure cancer. Too bad they have never cried (except when people dare pick against them).

The Patriots do not sleep. They wait.

The Patriots never wet their bed as children. The beds wet themselves out of fear.

The Patriots do not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. The Patriots go killing.

The Patriots sold their souls to the devil for their rugged good looks and unparalleled football ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, the Patriots knocked the devil unconscious and took their souls back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

The Patriots built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, the Patriots met all three bullets with the Patriot logo on their helmets, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to the Patriots and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The Patriots are currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for Bill Bellichecks testacles.

A blind man once stepped on the Patriots' shoes. The Patriots replied, "Don't you know who we are? We are the Patriots!" The mere mention of their name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal knockout blow delivered by Tedy Bruschi.

The chief export of the Patriots is pain.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, the Patriots each smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from their bodies by flexing for

30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The term "carnivore" was invented after the Patriots were spotted at a carnival eating babies.

The Patriots frequently donate blood to the Red Cross. Just never their own.

If you can see the Patriots, they can see you. If you can't see the Patriots you may be only seconds away from death.

Tom Brady's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF TOM BRADY!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized how stupid he sounded (as his name isn't Chuck) and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless the Patriots have been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The Patriots don't read books. They stare them down until they get the information they want.

The Patriots eat steaks for every single meal. Most times they forget to kill the cow.

Bill Bellicheck once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

When Robert Kraft was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Robert Kraft" and promptly turning in the paper.

A few years ago during a Patriots training camp scrimmage, Tom Brady brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged belly rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Tom Brady twisted the animal's head, breaking its neck, to remind everybody once more that Tom giveth, and the good Tom, he taketh away.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with the Patriots' hit.

Tom Brady is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

Tom Brady kills Asians in his spare time because he hates it when people squint at him.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending the Patriots. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for the Patriots.

The Patriots are not hung like horses... horses are hung like the Patriots.

If you ask Tom Brady what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he kicks you in the face.

The Patriots owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped them win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

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hate to burst your bubble...but these have been stolen...see the chuck norris post in one of the other forums....has like everyone of them, and theyre pretty old

sorry tx...cant give ya credit for this one

I said in my initial post that I could not take credit for this.

I think Newjetster turned it around to poke fun at the Pats. :wink:

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I think Newjetster turned it around to poke fun at the Pats. :wink:

I'd never ever do that Tx :wink:

I have to say it's pretty funny though. But not as funny as the spoof broadcast on Teddy B. Have you heard that one? Now thats F'n funny!

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