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a Jet fan, a 'phins fan, and a Pats fan walk into a bar...


Integrity28

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So, this came up in KRL's thread about the game replay. It's a fun story about some real-life trolling... hope you enjoy it. I was out in the midwest with family for the holiday. I found a bar to watch the game in, but was only able to get there for the 2nd half. The rest I had been following through ESPN's fantasy app, the play-by-play text feed. As I walked in, approached the bar, there was one seat open in the whole place...

Right in front of a bunch of Steelers fans, between a guy wearing a Dolphins tee under a hoodie, and an ugly couple all decked out in Gronk gear.

I rolled my eyes. Just my luck. I am surrounded by Pats fans daily, and now even on the road, more of them. Anyway, I grab my seat, order a beer, and get settled in. Believe it or not, I'm not a dooshy Ape in real life, so I say "happy holidays" to my neighbors, ignored by the Pats fans, and I ask the Dolphins fan what's going on in the games. He gives me the low-down, the Colts fans are giving him a good natured hard time, and he basically says he's rooting for the Jets to beat the Pats, then motions at the couple next to me as why. He was a cool Dad type of guy, just wanted to hide from family and take in a game. He knew football too, so he was a good conversation... meanwhile, the Pats fan was a know-nothing hardass with an ignorant skank of a girlfriend that flinched at everything he did.

Hardass was doing the intensely staring at the tv thing. I wasn't wearing Jets gear, so it wasn't obvious who I was rooting for. He was screaming at the tv, "******* assholes" every time they showed Jet fans in the stands. I pushed back from the bar, calmly, and simply said, "isn't it just my luck to come all the way out here, to end up being a Jet fan stuck between a Dolphins fan and a couple of Pats fans". The Dolphins guy laughed, he could appreciate it. The Pats guy got tight, like he didn't realize he'd been cussing out Jets fans with one sitting next to him. I'm assuming his girlfriend and inanimate objects don't fight back. I flashed him a GFY smile, and kept working on my beer. 

He bitched about officiating, without any clear understanding of what constitutes a violation. He dropped the "league is out to get us" bomb, which several people around him laughed at. He was yelling some garbage about how "nobody can block Gronk, so pass it to him" and outright screaming at his girlfriend that he knows more than McDaniels. Between gulps of beer, every time he said "block Gronk", I chimed in "Cover. Nobody can cover Gronk... because he's the best receiving mismatch in football." He'd momentarily shut up every time. Still not looking at me.

When the Jets couldn't drive in the 4th quarter, I was frustrated, but I don't yell at televisions and I didn't let on to my disappointment. So, I turned to him and I said, "the Jets are giving Brady the ball too much in the 4th quarter, they won't hold the lead doing that, you guys might steal this back." Pretty benign, but true. He seemed confused by this, but refused to make eye contact with me still. I explained, "this is where teams screw the pooch versus Brady, too many chances late in the game." He was still confused. I wondered how much he actually watched them play to not understand this.

His girl suddenly asked, "are you a hater?" I couldn't help but laugh. I asked, "A hater?" And she said, "We're used to haters." So, I said, "I live in Mass, some of my best friends are Pats fans, and I'd never heard this term 'hater', please can you explain what exactly is a hater? Is it someone that calls rival fans on the tv names?" She sat there, slackjawed with no answer. Ugly. I could see the makeup caked around her nose ring. Eyebrows overplucked. Just gross. Then I asked them if they were from Mass and out for the holiday, because at the end of the day I'm an adult... or maybe just trolling more. Nope. Not from Mass - furthering my theory that the mouthiest Pats fans always end up not being from Mass. To top it off... never lived in Mass, didn't have family there. This just got fun.

So, Gronk made that big catch. I said, "man, nobody can block him". 

After Brady hit White for the TD, I turned to him and said, "Did you see the replay on that?" He ignored me, he was celebrating as though it was a won game. So I tapped him on the shoulder, and he looked at me finally. He tried to look pissed, he didn't like the tap, but there wasn't a moment at all where I thought "****, I just escalated this". So I laughed at him and I repeated myself about the White TD, and he said, "What, did we cheat?" I laughed at him, more. I said "I was actually admiring how Brady looked off both safeties to clear the middle of the field for White to be wide open - you were just carrying on about him being wide open, well that's why he was wide open." His response, a blank stare. I said, "It was all in the play design - I guess McDaniels does know what he's doing". His face turned red. I laughed, and said "congrats, you guys just made this one interesting!" 

When the overtime period started, and the coin flip happened, he was screaming "somehting happened, something happened". I said, "yea, the Jets got the ball". The volume was not on, so we had no idea what Slater had said. 

Like I said earlier, I don't scream at television in bars, but for every single play in OT, I was out of my seat, climbing the bar, yelling my face off. When we scored, I sat down. Clapped slowly, grinned knowingly, and just said "what a good football game". The Steelers fans were pissed, but congratulatory. The Dolphins fan was cool about it. The Pats fan was screaming that the Pats should get the ball back. I looked at him... really? Everyone that was paying attention was like... really?

10 minutes after the game ended, he was still carrying on about it. Finally, I just said, "I think you are misunderstanding the OT rules. It's over. There's no conspiracy. We didn't cheat." Irony always comes full circle. He busted out his phone and showed me some blurb about the rule, and I actually reached out, put my finger on the screen, and scrolled down just a touch to expose the "with the exception that if a touchdown..." which was the part of the rule proving the Jets won. Right there, in his hands. JJ Abrams couldn't have filmed the scene any better.

I looked up, and said, "oops, there it is, look at that. we won again!"

His wife left. He sat there, never said another word, and sulked like a twat for about an hour. Meanwhile, I made like 5-6 friends in the bar, we drank our asses off, laughed at the Pats expense, and had a great time. When he left, the bartender was hilarious. She dogged on him, and then commented on how the couple of them never tip.

The high road has never felt so good. I didn't lower myself to the depths of a moron Pats fan, I didn't end up with legal trouble (or infections from his girls filthy nails scratching me to help him), and I publicly shamed a Pats fan on a day where my Jets did me proud.

The better fan and team won that day. What a trollishly awesome way to cap off the holiday.

 

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I have a similar one here in Florida from a few weeks ago. Walked i to a local Duffys to pick up some wings for a Jets late game. The pats were playing the Bills and I stood and had a couple of Beers while waiting for my order, and of course there is a shrill, obnoxious Masshole Cow shrieking at the top of her lungs at every play, nonsense like "Block da bawl" and crap like that. Her boyfriend or whatever was silently cringing, and she was just a complete ass. Whatever, right?

 

So I'm standing there shooting the sh*t about the game with some regulars, guy in a dolphins jersey and a Steelers fan, and of course, a Bills fan...and I said, Loudly enough for the she-beast to hear me, "well, if there's one thing that can bring Jets, Steelers, Bills, and Fins fans together, its our Hate for New England".

Crazy person immediately starts staring at me like I told her to suck her moms dick, and shrieks, " What da hell did you say?!" So I repeated for her benefit and she was completely flustered and just stared at me, so I asked if she was new to watching football and didn't quite get rival dynamics...and she lost her mind and was basically yelling about Brady bein' da bomb or some sh*t (adjacent man friend remained quiet), so I turned to the other guys, who were trying not to laugh hysterically, and asked in stage whisper, "Do you think shes crazy, or just really ******* hammered?".

 

That set her over, screaming "**** you" and "yoah team sucks!" Etc. At which point, my order was ready.

 

The best part? As I was leaving, I asked to see the manager, and advised him of how serving obviously intoxicated patrons was a no-no...found out the following week she was cut off and asked to leave.

 

She hasnt been back since, making everyone's viewing experience much more pleasant.

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There was a Jets fan too where I was watching the game.

He had nothing to say to me until the Jets won the game. You just have to laugh and walk away.

When you say you walked away do you mean the 3 feet back to your bunk?

I am surprised the Jets fan had anything at all to say to you.

Most correctional officers are taught not to taunt the inmates.

They have TV at Bay State now??

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There was a Jets fan too where I was watching the game.

He had nothing to say to me until the Jets won the game. You just have to laugh and walk away.

Some of us have been conditioned not to talk shit until the game is over. We've been kicked in the nuts too many times. 

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The only reason you guys won are because you cheated and because, um.... 

There are two reasons you guys won: because you cheated and because our second string safety got hurt late, our third string safety couldn't block Enunwa in the overtime and because the officials were hating on us and because, um ....

Among the reasons you guys won .... aw forget it.  Next time, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't hate on my GF and me and would let us watch the game in peace. 

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The only reason you guys won are because you cheated and because, um.... 

There are two reasons you guys won: because you cheated and because our second string safety got hurt late, our third string safety couldn't block Enunwa in the overtime and because the officials were hating on us and because, um ....

Among the reasons you guys won .... aw forget it.  Next time, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't hate on my GF and me and would let us watch the game in peace. 

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

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The only reason you guys won are because you cheated and because, um.... 

There are two reasons you guys won: because you cheated and because our second string safety got hurt late, our third string safety couldn't block Enunwa in the overtime and because the officials were hating on us and because, um ....

Among the reasons you guys won .... aw forget it.  Next time, I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't hate on my GF and me and would let us watch the game in peace. 

This is a good post. I like this post. 

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Don't want to start another thread for fun Sunday stories, so I'll leave this here:

 

Visiting my fiance's place in Burlington, MA (20 mins outside of Boston) this past weekend, and of course she and her family are all pats fans- but they're very good about it. They got me a ton of cool Jets stuff (and a gag gift pats shirt which I immediately told them would make a great substitute for firewood) for Christmas, so very cool of them.

We decide to go to the local sports bar for the 1pm games- they in all Pats gear, me with a jacket over my Jets hoodie. Get to the bar, get a couple of seats, and I take the jacket off- and immediately everyone is looking or mentioning towards me. I was the only Jets fan in the place. 

Game finally starts about 30 minutes after we get there, and through the first quarter, lots of fun banter and a few moments of good football talk about tiebreakers and fantasy and who we'd rather play depending on scenarios, etc.

Jets go up 10-3, and I quietly celebrate for about 5 seconds, all of a sudden the jokes go down, and the crowd becomes quiet and reserved. No more back and forths, no more friendly congrats on a good play. Brady comes out on the field to take a knee at the end of the half, and the crowd erupts: "What are we doing!?! Why are we sittin on it here!?!"

Fast forward to Revis' interception, and the entire place was silent. Literally, I heard a pen drop across the bar at the maitre'd table. 

3rd and 11, Fitz drops back, launches, and before the ball even gets to Marshall, one guy at the table next to us who was about 6 beers in by this point, starts yelling for offensive PI. I ignore him and again respectfully but enthusiastically celebrate. We're up 17-3 on these ****ers, and I'm in the heart of MA. Simply awesome.

It's 17-10. The bar comes to life. All of a sudden, Sheldon's sack of Brady should have been a roughing the passer, and Mauldin's sack of Brady should have gotten him ejected for going low on Brady. This is all uttered by that same guy at the table next to us. So after the Sheldon sack, I agree with him, and say, "Yea dude, I completely agree...anyone who so much as breathes on Brady deserves a roughing the passer." That's all it took. 

All of a sudden, I'm public enemy #1. My fiance is telling me to relax and ignore the others; her family is acting as if I'm an embarrassment for what I just said. There's a lot of yelling, and at this point I can't understand any one person. All of a sudden, the drunk guy next to us gets out of his seat, and his buddies quickly sit him back down and tell everyone to relax and just leave it alone. So I sit back in my seat, stretch out my arms, chuckle, and say "I am relaxed dude, I'm even agreeing with you. I agree that touching Brady is illegal and should result in an immediate forfeit of the game!" One of his friends replies, "hey cool it...that wasn't roughing the passer, now leave it alone." So I do.

4th and 1, they convert, and the cheering starts to become unbearable. 4th and 9, and declarations of outright manlove for Brady and Gronk ensue. I'm about to die. 20-20, and all of a sudden I've got people in red white and blue yelling the Jets chant in my direction. I have nothing to say. 

Then the coin toss. Ohhh the coin toss. The sweet, sweet coin toss. The whole bar is consumed with the idea that the Refs have it in for their patsies. "This is deflategate all over again" is heard coming from the table of blowhards. Conspiracy theories flying around, proclamations of the Jets being in the refs pockets...the works. 

3-3, 74 yards, GW Touchdown. I again cheer respectfully but enthusiastically for about 10 seconds, and get up to leave. Now everyone is purposefully avoiding me. It's amazing.

Get in the car for the drive back to CT. For the first 40 minutes of the postgame, the hosts are saying that the refs were to blame for the loss and that the NFL has it in for them...and pats fans are calling in to tell them that Slater was the one who said "kick" - and the hosts keep saying things like "no no slater has been doing this for yrs, he knows how it works. He'd never mess up....the refs did this to the pats and ultimately cost them the game." Then, once Slater was absolved, it was the Refs sticking it to the pats by not giving them the side of the field that they wanted. Then, when it was proven that it had no impact on the game, and that it was actually Bill's decision to go for it, all of a sudden, the decision to kick was actually a sneaky good decision with lots of benefits and sound reasoning behind it. Lastly, when all of that was done and they had nothing else to go with, they decided that Bill kicked on purpose because he saw that the steelers lost, and wanted to knock them out and get the Jets into the playoffs because "the Jets would be the easiest team they'd face in the playoffs if they were to make it". 

God, what an amazing 5 hours. Some of the most deliciously insecure, arrogant, falsely entitled fandom I've ever gotten to witness first hand.

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This is already one of my favorite threads of all-time.  I guess we shouldn't be surprised that the Patriot fanbase took on the personality of the organization they support, much like dogs sometimes take on some aspects of personality of their owners.  The Patriots organization is smug, arrogant and petty and have zero regard for integrity or character.  Sounds like their fans, too. 

Only difference is that it takes a good deal of intelligence for the Pats to have bent or broken so many rules to win their titles and deal with minimal punishment.  Meanwhile, many of these Patriot fans (particularly the ones who only started caring about the team in this century) are complete idiots.

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There was a Jets fan too where I was watching the game.

He had nothing to say to me until the Jets won the game. You just have to laugh and walk away.

So a guy just sat there, minded his business and watched the game, then got excited when his team won? That's...that's crazy talk man. You're crazy. I don't believe this story for a second.

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