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T0mShane

Awkward situations support group thread

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On 12/28/2018 at 11:28 PM, T0mShane said:

Hi, my name is Tom and I get into all kinds of sh*t. This one was particularly distressing and I’m wondering if you bros have any perspective that might help me get past the trauma. And, maybe, add tales of woe that we might find instructive.

 

The scenario was thus: My gym is a quarter mile away from my local pub, which i love, so today I decide after the workout to stop in for some dinner and a few pops, but it’s Friday and the bar is full, expect for one seat next to this portly woman, who gladly offers it up. For those that don’t know me, I’m exceedingly attractive in the Matthew Modine-circa-Visionquest-Days sense, and I’m also silky smooth with the ladies, but for real all I wanted was a salad with some avocado in it. 

 

Anyway.

I sit down, and there’s one mantra I have in life and that’s this: “Don’t talk to people.” It’s simply not worth it. Especially at a bar. Within five minutes, people will start telling you all their deviant/tragic/incriminating sh*t if they think you’ll listen, and people always think I’ll listen. So, I don’t talk to people. 

BUT, some backstory. A few weeks ago—have you guys ever met anyone who didn’t have a chin and their lower faces were basically a sheathe of flesh filled with lubriderm lotion, like their face was made up of a skull with a water ballon taped to the bottom of it? So, yeah, my brother and I, a few weeks ago, were in this bar and a woman with this water balloon condition elected to tell us about how bad her boyfriend was and we were like, wow, harsh, but whatev. Anyway. Tonight I go in there and the water ballon woman whose face looks like that Nazi guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the Ark of the Covenant is in there with her less attractive friend, whose head is literally like a Jack-O-Lantern that someone painted pink. 

 

So, this is the dilemma. The Jack O Lantern woman is the woman in the seat next to mine and almost immediately she starts to tell me about her cat and I’m trying to not get drawn into a conversation because wtf, but she keeps going on and on about this f*cking cat and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I’m basically responding with grunts and nods and sh*t hoping she’d get the hint or whatnot, but ALAS she doesn’t and transitions into telling me about all the cats she had prior to this one and I’m like, ready to die for real.

And here’s the dilemma: I’m getting bumped from my left side (JO’L is on the right) and when I peek over to see who’s bumping me, I see that it’s none other than Dawson’s Creek Michelle Williams (probably) and she’s trying to get my attention, CLEARLY. Now, I love Michelle Williams. LOVE. LOOOOVE. And this woman was either Michelle Williams or a Michelle Williams impersonator and I’m like, this is karma and I’m supposed to lay my seed upon this woman’s fallopian tubules. But, JO’L is now showing me pics on her phone of this cat and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by turning to Michelle Williams, so I’m like, “wow cute cute cat wow” and my hope is that Michelle is able to ascertain the complexity of my predicament and, I don’t know, see that I’m a good guy for not flipping out on Cat Pumpkin Woman, but she doesn’t, and in that moment I’m trying to navigate this situation and Michelle gives up and tells Adam, the bartender, that she’s ready to “settle up” and she throws down a credit card with the Mets logo on it and I’m like, yo, I have a million Mets jokes that would charm Michelle, but I’ve still got Pumpkin Head running a blue steak about this F*CKING CAT OMG.

Denoument: Michelle pays her tab with her Mets credit card and leaves and I let out an audible whimper. I drink two more beers and Cat O’Lantern Head starts asking for my number and the bartender sees my plight and just takes my credit card so I can be loosed into the night where I can step in front of a Metro North train. 

 

Friends, how should I have handled this? 

 

 

What exactly is the problem?

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