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14 in Green

WANT TO GET REALLY ANNOYED?

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So I just read something that really pissed me off, but in a strange way might also be interesting reading for many of you. Be warned though... I’m far from a homer, and I’d like to wring the authors neck, but he’s actually pretty funny also.

Im not very computer savvy, so if one of you can go to the deadspin site and pull up the Why Your Team Sucks / ny Jets story, I’d appreciate it.

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These things are absolutely amazing.  They do them every year and they are hilarious.  even for the best team in the league coming off the Superbowl, they do an exceptional job convincing you that your team will go 0-16.

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Should have been some more commentary on the obvious uniform downgrade. Nike was in the lab for years and that's it?

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One of the few things I still like about Deadspin.  Their turn to politics, soccer and obsessing about barstool has made most of their content unbearable, but the annual "Why Your Team Sucks" is still pretty good.  

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Why Your Team Sucks 2019: New York Jets

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2019 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Football Mets.

Hey buddy, in New York, it’s JETS FANS who do the groping, thank you very much.

Your 2018 record: 4-12, featuring two three-game losing streaks and a six-game losing streak. That’s a lot of Jetsiness to pack into one season, but this franchise rarely, if ever, lets America down when it comes to being terrible in the densest possible concentrations. They got frog-stomped 41-10 by a Bills team quarterbacked by Matt Barkley, which is somehow even more humiliating than losing to Nathan Peterman. They let Fireman Ed, who will almost certainly run for Congress at some point, back onto the premises (imagine how broken your life must be that rooting for the Jets represents a step back toward normalcy). They were in the running for Khalil Mack but the Raiders shipped him to Chicago before New York ever got to make a proper counteroffer. They handed the Browns that franchise’s first win in over a year, but only after going up by two touchdowns. They blew a 16-0 lead to Marcus Mariota and it didn’t even feel like a surprise. Marcus Maye returned a pick 104 yards but didn’t score because he got too tired.

Doug Marrone ran up the score on the Jets as revenge for them offering him phantom leverage when he fled Buffalo four years prior. In that same loss to the Jags, the Jets kicked a field goal in the fourth quarter when they were down 25-3. No need to run up the score when the Jets will run their own way down. They got swept by the Patriots, naturally. They lost Bilal Powell to a potential career-ending injury, then re-signed him this offseason anyway. Such a fine line between generousness and foolishness. Speaking of which: they gave Trumaine Johnson $34 million guaranteed and he promptly missed six games.

They had three Pro Bowlers and two of them were special teamers. Their only major victories last season came against Matt Patricia and the Lions (beating secondhand Patriots is about the best this organization can hope for) and against class action litigants whose personal seat licenses were rendered worthless, or I guess MORE worthless, by new ticketing policies. They also brought in Terrelle Pryor, who apparently gets alligator arms in practice and when no pass is forthcoming:

Pryor is no longer here. I’d say that’s addition by subtraction, but that rule doesn’t apply to the Jets, who themselves would assist the world by disappearing from it altogether.

Your coach: Todd Bowles is gone. To replace him, the Jets went ALL OUT. They needed a big name. Someone with cachet. Someone whose face could light up Broadway. Someone, you know, GOOD. They did not find that someone. Instead, they found this man…

That’s former Dolphins coach and Who Framed Roger Rabbit? villain Adam Gase. (Now with beard!) The Jets say they weren’t trying to land Jim Harbaugh nor Mike McCarthy. I don’t believe that. The fact that the Jets hired Gase is only proof you need of their poorly-disguised failures. Gase went 23-25 in three years down in Florida, but that was mere prelude to the disaster that awaits him in the Meadowlands. In both skill AND temperament, Gase has a Kotite-like potential I think we all yearn to see fulfilled…

Gase wanted to fool the other team but sometimes ended up outsmarting himself. That frustrated some players… One player said if a play-call didn’t work, he sometimes let it carry over for several minutes and was out of sorts emotionally.

Oh yeah he’ll do ******* GREAT in New York. Love to have a coach who stews over mistakes like he just shanked an approach at the pitch-and-putt. Imagine having Bill Parcells’s ability to brood like a dick, but not having his charm, nor his talent, nor his resiliency. That’s Adam Gase. He and this franchise were destined for one another, so much so that they let Gase shove out then-general manager Mike Maccagnan and take over as interim personnel honcho before they hired Joe Douglas to take the role on a permanent basis (but NOT before Douglas forced them to double their initial offer to him and not before floating the idea of hiring Peyton Manning for the job, only to have the football world laugh in their faces at the notion). I wouldn’t let the Jets return a pair of socks to Marshalls.

Again, the Jets willingly gave absolute power to a moody retread. Maccagnan was a horrible GM—he will forever be the dude who drafted a QB who couldn’t even keep a starting job in the AAF—but it speaks volumes that the only reason the Jets saw fit to dismiss him was because they fell prey to the backchannel scheming of that moody retread. Two otherwise unemployable weirdos just backstabbing the sh*t out of each other nonstop.

We’re not done here. In the interest of maximum conflagration, Gase has assembled a rogues’ gallery of a coaching staff that desperately requires Todd Haley and a third Ryan brother to round it out. First of all, he brought in bounty-happy ’80s action movie villain Gregg Williams to run the defense with his signature blend of idiocy and cheap bravado

“The reason I keep getting hired is culture,” Williams said. “Culture beats strategy any day of the week.”

This man is so in-demand. All the time. You hear it. That culture Williams speaks of includes walking up to lone defensive stud and mascot assailant Jamal Adams and saying, “I’ve coached a lot better people than you before.” I can’t even imagine how many times this man has spliced both hardcore porn and the helicopter raid sequence from Apocalypse Now into game tape. The rest of Gase’s staff include failed Bears OC and Patton Oswalt impersonator Dowell Loggains, the immortal Jim Bob Cooter, NASCAR infield denizen Brant Boyer……guy who grinds against you at Coachella when you didn’t ask him to, Blake Williams……and Hogwarts caretaker Mack Brown.

Your quarterback: SAMILTON!

The question isn’t if the Jets are going to screw up Sam Darnold, it’s how they’ll do it. Bringing him under Gase’s tutelage was a good start putting Darnold on the highway to ruin. I’m always willing to throw rookie QB stats aside. HOWEVER … when your rookie-year QBR is below Nick Mullens, and below a pre-injury Alex Smith, and below Derek Carr as Jon Gruden was actively trying to murder him … that is concerning. These are the Jets, after all. They were born to destroy Sam Darnold.

Your new backup is Trevor Siemian. No fanbase is better suited to recycle easy gags about that man’s last name than this one.

What’s new that sucks: You’re not gonna believe it, but the Jets drafted a defensive lineman in the first round. Stunning. Every year the Jets try to reboot the Sack Exchange and end up drafting some poor bastard they’ll inevitably end up feuding with, so congrats to Quinnen Williams for when he gets traded to Tennessee for pennies on the dollar three years from now.

The big news, of course, is that Le’Veon Bell has arrived. Bell managed to outsmart himself by holding out for a full year in Pittsburgh only to end up with a relatively undervalued deal once he hit the open market: a deal that Gase stillfound too expensive, to the point where people were openly speculating that the team would trade Bell’s ass before Bell even had a chance to underachieve in a Jets uniform. If it makes Gase feel any better, two women allegedly recouped at least some of that money by robbing Bell after ******* him.

Bell’s signature running style, in which he sits cross-legged in the middle of the scrum and plays a round of blackjack before picking a hole, made sense in Pittsburgh because that team has a capable line and an imposing passing attack. The Jets have neither of those things. Excited for him to instantly turn into latter-day Curtis Martin. Just a million armchair coaches going I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN’T DANCE AROUND IN THE HOLE as opposing defenses engulf Bell on every snap.

What else? Well, they signed C.J. Mosley away from the Ravens. They traded Darron Lee. They gifted Jon Gruden a salary dump by trading for washed-up lineman Kelechi Osemele. They brought in Jamison Crowder, who drops enough passes to invite more pity than scorn. They almost signed Anthony Barr away from the Vikings, only to watch him change his mind after realizing what he was committing to. Another Viking pulled the same bait-and-switch on them. I am a Vikings fan, and I can tell you that it’s not a good sign when MY a$$hole team represents safe haven to a concerned free agent. HOW YOU FEELIN’ OUT THERE, JETS NATION?

That looks about right. In any given year, one of the New York NFL teams shifts into a Knicksian mode where they make splashy moves so that it LOOKS like they want to win now, only everyone knows the end result will be mediocrity at best and a toilet clog at worst. Look at the depth chart and you could talk yourself into this Jets team being competitive. That’s the sales job. It’s repackaged suck. But look! NEW UNIS!

 

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A thread title in all caps. I'm already annoyed.

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8 minutes ago, Spoot-Face said:

A thread title in all caps. I'm already annoyed.

YOU’RE ALREADY ON THIN ICE WITH ME, MISTER!!!!

 

😜

 

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11 minutes ago, Jet_Engine1 said:

Yes! I DO want to get really annoyed!! How did you know?

I can read you like a book, big guy.

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26 minutes ago, dbatesman said:

Anyone who gets legitimately annoyed by WYTS shouldn’t be allowed to drive or operate heavy machinery

How am I suppose to go to the bathroom then?

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I enjoyed that.

"We’re not done here. In the interest of maximum conflagration, Gase has assembled a rogues’ gallery of a coaching staff that desperately requires Todd Haley and a third Ryan brother to round it out."

Gave me a good laugh.

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5 minutes ago, Patriot Killa said:

How am I suppose to go to the bathroom then?

Maybe step off the sybian first before going to the bathroom.

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So this is designed to be funny, and not be seen as a completely accurate assessment?  Yeah, sure, I totally knew that.

Funny stuff... yeah.

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My friend loves that site and sends me links all of the time (just sent this one to me yesterday) so I've given it a shot but I just can't get into the articles. 

If you've seen Marc Maron's comedy special on Netflix: "I don't know how much time I have left."

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1 hour ago, 14 in Green said:

So I just read something that really pissed me off, but in a strange way might also be interesting reading for many of you. Be warned though... I’m far from a homer, and I’d like to wring the authors neck, but he’s actually pretty funny also.

Im not very computer savvy, so if one of you can go to the deadspin site and pull up the Why Your Team Sucks / ny Jets story, I’d appreciate it.

Ok so @Barry McCockinner just buttfumbled me for this OP.

If you don’t mind me asking, what was it about this that upset you, and why didn’t you simply post a comment about it instead?

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That was well done and entertaining.

Only thin-skinned homers like  @Pac would be annoyed by this.  Pac only reads puff pieces on Bleacher Report written by 13 year olds.

 

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Meh.  It has a few humorous bits in it but still not "put a bag over your head and hit yourself with a hammer" funny -- like this...

 

 

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1 hour ago, jmat321 said:

One of the few things I still like about Deadspin.  Their turn to politics, soccer and obsessing about barstool has made most of their content unbearable, but the annual "Why Your Team Sucks" is still pretty good.  

What a strange shift. Went from covering Brett Favre's unit to becoming the internet's hall monitor. Magary can still bring it when he feels like it I guess.

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They’re dead on about fireman ed. He stormed off in a huff during buttfumble game only to come suckling back when Sam looked legit. Lots here defend him but if he posted here, he’d be drummed out as “not a real fan.”

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Found within this WYTS was another gem of an article about Gregg Williams of which I was not previously aware:

 

https://deadspin.com/the-beep-beep-awards-and-nine-other-bizarre-slides-fro-5919411

The Beep-Beep Awards, And Nine Other Bizarre Slides From Gregg Williams's Slideshows

17q726pv5lyz8jpg.jpg

When the NFLPA released 200 pages of "evidence" from the NFL's case against the Saints, we were disappointed that most of it had nothing to do with bounties, but secretly delighted at the glimpse into Gregg Williams's motivational techniques. Before every game, Williams would create and share Powerpoint slideshows with his defense, and quite often—they were ******* weird.

Here are some of our favorites, starting with the completely inexplicable Beep-Beep Awards. Click through, and please do click the magnifying glass to expand.

17q727hhu2na0jpg.jpg

Oof. A pretty damn racist mini-biography of General John Pershing, complete with what appears to be a call for executing Iraqi terrorists with bullets soaked in pig's blood. Presumably this was retired before Isa Abdul-Quddus joined the Saints.

17q727lfws9mrjpg.jpg

In case you were wondering, this is called are you ******* kidding me!

17q7273olhea6jpg.jpg

We assume this was commissioned upon the return of DT Rodney Leisle (misspelled in the slide), who left New Orleans after the 2006 season but re-signed in 2009. We also assume he was known for throwing up.

17q726vsa5w0gjpg.jpg

Complacent? ******* complacent.

17q726rua7y0njpg.jpg

Difficult-to-read motivational text.

17q7275nemnjpjpg.jpg

Easier-to-read motivational text.

17q727pdwb5tljpg.jpg

For god's sake, clean up after yourselves.

17q727rcw84mnjpg.jpg

I have no idea.

17q7275nfogj6jpg.jpg

Loose lips sink ships.

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2 hours ago, chrisfaceoff said:

https://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-new-york-jets-1836635116

 

Its also completely satire, and often times the comments are the best part

I love the tyrel pryor vid where he get punked and remember all the posters on Jetnation who swore to me up and down and defended how great he was going to be. I almost forgot about that. 

turns out I was right , he sucked and he was soft.

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3 minutes ago, Jetsfan80 said:

Complacent? ******* complacent.

 17q726rua7y0njpg.jpg

 Difficult-to-read motivational text.

17q7275nemnjpjpg.jpg

Funny thing is, this is like s trend in design right now. A bad trend, but a trend no less.

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I read something once and it made me cry. Please find it and post it... k thanx

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2 hours ago, 14 in Green said:

Ok so @Barry McCockinner just buttfumbled me for this OP.

If you don’t mind me asking, what was it about this that upset you, and why didn’t you simply post a comment about it instead?

You started a thread with an all-caps title moaning about being annoyed about a satire article you didn't even link to, let alone copy/paste. Aside from that, I'm mostly just mad you're a Russian spy.

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That article was amazing.  These few lines right here encapsulate all that was last season.

They handed the Browns that franchise’s first win in over a year, but only after going up by two touchdowns. They blew a 16-0 lead to Marcus Mariota and it didn’t even feel like a surprise. Marcus Maye returned a pick 104 yards but didn’t score because he got too tired.

 

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30 minutes ago, Barry McCockinner said:

You started a thread with an all-caps title moaning about being annoyed about a satire article you didn't even link to, let alone copy/paste. Aside from that, I'm mostly just mad you're a Russian spy.

I’ll try and raise my game, even though most seem to be enjoying the article.

Aparently my attempts at sarcasm (getting annoyed), use of caps, and lack of computer skills is more irritating then I thought.

I guess my ex-wife was right.

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