Help My Friends (stepchild)

[TNJet]

8 hours ago, Greenbloodblitz said:

Sorry you're going through this dude I have been there and I completely understand. You ARE amongst friends.

Kids don't come with instruction manuals whether they're yours or not. And every individual case is totally different.

Usually at that age they don't even understand themselves and they're just acting out to keep everybody away while they try to figure it all out. Try not to take it personal.

Try to find common ground with the kid, see if you can earn his Trust and try to talk to him about the future and where he wants to be?

This definitely isn't easy s*** to deal with as it affects your wife and your entire household. Just know that you're not the only guy dealing with this.

Thanks man. I've tried to be his friend in the beginning l thought, "lll make him like me he'll have no choice" because honestly most people do, I'm friendly and treat people how I'd like to be treated.

This kid cares about 1 thing, his popularity,  how cool he looks, his friends mostly females I'm assuming why he's like a caged animal while grounded. Just a complete maniac. When he's out of high school I'm hoping he sees the real world isn't about clicks. Clicks at school is what he cares about.

[slats]

20 minutes ago, UntouchableCrew said:

Not to sound insensitive but if the Dad has full custody and the kid is already 16 -- it's really not your problem, and clearly you're not going to be able to change him. Just tell him to respect your rules while he's under your roof. Not much more to it.

This is kinda the harsh reality. 

If the kid has free reign at his dad's for two weeks, he's not going to respond well to discipline for a weekend, and it's not surprising that he acts out against a step-parent. I think your best bet is to step back a little. You and your wife need to be on the same page but at the end of the day it's her son, not yours, and most of the parenting should be coming from her with you backing her up, "your mother loves you, she's trying to do what's best for you, you should respect that and listen to her." I empathize with your frustration, but I can't imagine that any "going off on him," from you is having any effect other than to alienate him further. 

I also think that what you all want in the end is for his visits to your home be pleasurable. So maybe instead of trying to straighten him out, maybe reach out. What are you listening to? What are you watching? What's this about? Be curious and interested and not judgmental. Ask him what he wants to do when he's with you. Make plans during the week before his arrival so that maybe he's actually looking forward to coming. Nothing will change over night (and may not change for many years) but he'll always appreciate having a safe place with people who are actually interested in him somewhere in the back of his head. 

This is all amateur advice, of course. Family counseling and the like are probably the best suggestions, but that's something that would work best with him, mom, and dad, IMHO. If weekends at your place mean a visit to the therapist, I'm really not sure how much that is gonna help anyone. 

Good luck, @TNJet!

[Daddy Wang Doodle]

Make him become a Jets fan. If that punishment doesn't teach him, nothing will

[predator_05]

3 minutes ago, Daddy Wang Doodle said:

Make him become a Jets fan. If that punishment doesn't teach him, nothing will

Best advice so far.

[Philc1]

13 hours ago, TNJet said:

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

Well there’s your problem right there

 

No 16 year old should have their own car 

 

[Philc1]

5 minutes ago, Daddy Wang Doodle said:

Make him become a Jets fan. If that punishment doesn't teach him, nothing will

[greengeek]

There is some pretty reasonable stuff posted here from a buncha man-children (guilty as charged) on a football site. Not everything but better than stereotypes would have you believe.

My family went through a very tough teenage period with my son. It included two suicide attempts, the more serious one within a week of a professional counselor saying that there was little chance of it happening again. His school gave us the choice of PINS or expelled. We found a third alternative with a sort of lockdown school that included character lessons for kids and parents. It was a rough two years in that program. As parents went through the program they could choose whether to get closely involved providing support to newer parents entering the program. I jumped into that pretty deep and as is typical learned more than I taught. Not everything I say is right, sanctioned by professionals, or recommended, but it is real from me.

You will never make your stepson’s choices. Those are his and always will be. What you get to make are your choices, including how you choose to act and how you choose to feel (yes, you can choose how to feel...try it it works).

A fundamental aspect of relationships is clarity in your communication. So long as your stepson is a minor, you won’t have an equal footing relationship. You all live in the household that belongs to you and your wife and ownership places you as the one to make the rules (and penalties). If a household runs with little and rare conflict, these can be made up on the fly. If the household is in crisis ( mine was) the rules and penalties need to be made explicit. It is a HUGE, TRYING, PAINFUL task to write these down. In my experience some parents did, some didn’t, some worked out some didn’t. My house made a rule list (levels of infractions, examples at each level, penalties at each level, agreement that items not covered have their level defined by parents). We were recommended that if the kid is past 18 a bag of personal items and a bus ticket to somewhere far away (chosen by kid) should be pre-assembled. We didn’t like that or do it. We did make broad rules in three levels in a two page document which was formed and agreed to by all three of us. Writing this was the more important step as it made very clear what our values were and having input from our son particularly on the penalties meant that when he chose to make an infraction, he chose the level of penalty and got it. There are different levels of success and need for this amount of formality. In our case WRITING IT was where all the value was found because of the clarity of expectation/penalty/values. It was then almost never needed to be used.

One thing that was huge for us (and almost no one else...remember about that uniqueness principle) was to break down conflict as “facts” “interpretation” “feelings”. Example: You said blah (trying to use exact words so that is fact like a courtroom). I interpreted this as blahblah. I felt devastated because that reminded me of when blahblahblah. Notice that if done correctly, every stipulation is irrefutable. If the facts are facts... no dispute. Also, “I interpreted “ and “I felt” are irrefutable since we can’t read minds. The insight we gained into each other was excellent, but most of our friends and their families found this process artificial and useless.

Pleaae take this as information and a possible opportunity to glean some options. Don’t take it as advice since I don’t know you, your wife, your stepson or ANYTHING except what I read here. I am in no position at all to offer advice and I am well aware that the things that worked/failed in my household were different than what worked/failed for the other parents who became close friends.

Although no single principle was universal, the one that was far and away most important to me personally was to learn to cleanly and clearly distinguish my choices (for which I am accountable) from everyone else’s choices (for which they should be accountable, not me)...but that’s just me.

Best wishes my friend.


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[Thai Jet]

So sorry to hear this old friend. Sounds like you've got your hands full. I know you want to do the best for the kid. The teen years can be hard on everyone. Total emotional rush for the kid. What does your wife have to say about this ? Are you displaying a united front to the kid ? Does your step son blame himself for his parents breakup ? In a lot of cases that's a concern. Have your wife reassure him that he was NOT the reason for the split.

You said he wrecked his 1st truck. Was he given it or did he earn it. ? I had my 1st wheels at 18. Bought it with money I saved while I worked summers and weekends. If he wants wheels make him pay for it. That's a life lesson , nothing is free. Does he spend any time with your wife,s Ex ? Shared custody ? Have you been able to talk to him about the kid ?

It's GOT to be frustrating as all hell for you because you want whats best for the kid. You care about him and don't want to see his life ruined. I has step kids but they were older so I missed those terrible teens.

NYS has a program called PINS ( People In Need of Supervision) . Perhaps if your area has a similar program they can be of help.

All the best to you TN.

 

 

 

[More Cowbell]

This is what I did when my kid messed up bad. The first thing I did was I called verizon and turned off service to her phone. Then I took away her car keys and took the front tire off her bike. If she was going anywhere, it was going to be walking which she did but you can't  lock a kid up in your housd, they will leave and my hoise was nice with a pool so she would jist invite her friends to come over. That will just make them more angry. Then if she wasn't  back in the house by dinner, I would get in my car and bring her home. 

Worked for me. 

[The Crusher]

9 hours ago, TNJet said:

Consider my friends. Maybe I was wrong...

One of the hardest things I had to do as a parent is realize at a certain point is my sons left the “ classroom of Dad” and entered the “ classroom of life.” No matter how much we try to teach our children things once they reach a certain age we are no longer the teacher and become much more like a guidance counselor. 
 

Young kids can be controlled for the most part but once they hit 16 they have to be guided. It’s a different model and both sides have to accept the inevitable life’s lesson of actions producing consequences. Sometime you got to alloW them to take their lumps in order for them to be ready to listen to you again. Be clear to make sure he knows you are 100% there for him, you are concerned and you’ve been through it. Tell him your not an expert on what to do but explain you have the scars to remind you what not to do. 
 

Then pray a lot 

[thebuzzardman]

Is there a farmer in your area with hungry hogs who doesn't ask a lot of questions? 

[TNJet]

1 hour ago, slats said:

This is kinda the harsh reality. 

If the kid has free reign at his dad's for two weeks, he's not going to respond well to discipline for a weekend, and it's not surprising that he acts out against a step-parent. I think your best bet is to step back a little. You and your wife need to be on the same page but at the end of the day it's her son, not yours, and most of the parenting should be coming from her with you backing her up, "your mother loves you, she's trying to do what's best for you, you should respect that and listen to her." I empathize with your frustration, but I can't imagine that any "going off on him," from you is having any effect other than to alienate him further. 

I also think that what you all want in the end is for his visits to your home be pleasurable. So maybe instead of trying to straighten him out, maybe reach out. What are you listening to? What are you watching? What's this about? Be curious and interested and not judgmental. Ask him what he wants to do when he's with you. Make plans during the week before his arrival so that maybe he's actually looking forward to coming. Nothing will change over night (and may not change for many years) but he'll always appreciate having a safe place with people who are actually interested in him somewhere in the back of his head. 

This is all amateur advice, of course. Family counseling and the like are probably the best suggestions, but that's something that would work best with him, mom, and dad, IMHO. If weekends at your place mean a visit to the therapist, I'm really not sure how much that is gonna help anyone. 

Good luck, @TNJet!

Thanks, its the first time in 3 years I've ever raised my voice towards him. Its honestlu because disrespects his mother, my wife in my home. She alliws it. His real parents come off as weak and scared of him. I had to finally shut him up. He was punching and kicking stuff in my spare room up there. Don't touch my stuff in my home kid...

[TNJet]

1 hour ago, Philc1 said:

Well there’s your problem right there

 

No 16 year old should have their own car 

 

On the firstbweek he had it, he decided ti take a 3 hr drive south at 16, to see an old friend. I about passed out. His dad was okay with it. Mom didn't stop him. I was taken aback and worried. No way my son would be allowed to do this. I was worried for him. Absolute non parenting skills.

[TNJet]

1 hour ago, Thai Jet said:

So sorry to hear this old friend. Sounds like you've got your hands full. I know you want to do the best for the kid. The teen years can be hard on everyone. Total emotional rush for the kid. What does your wife have to say about this ? Are you displaying a united front to the kid ? Does your step son blame himself for his parents breakup ? In a lot of cases that's a concern. Have your wife reassure him that he was NOT the reason for the split.

You said he wrecked his 1st truck. Was he given it or did he earn it. ? I had my 1st wheels at 18. Bought it with money I saved while I worked summers and weekends. If he wants wheels make him pay for it. That's a life lesson , nothing is free. Does he spend any time with your wife,s Ex ? Shared custody ? Have you been able to talk to him about the kid ?

It's GOT to be frustrating as all hell for you because you want whats best for the kid. You care about him and don't want to see his life ruined. I has step kids but they were older so I missed those terrible teens.

NYS has a program called PINS ( People In Need of Supervision) . Perhaps if your area has a similar program they can be of help.

All the best to you TN.

 

 

 

Thanks buddy.

Yes he was given a nice little 2004 F150. Told he was to get a job, which he never did, and totaled it with 2 friends in it, at 130 am, on a backroad, I can only assume racing on a double line by the tire marks and rail damage on that road.

Not that l like saying my wife is a bad parent but she does little to ever tell him no. I guess thats where the trouble lies. When the stepdad has better parenting skills than his biological parents but can't enforce anything lol.

[TheClashFan]

Just now seeing this. So sorry to hear about your situation. I was a high school teacher for 30 years and raised two sons (youngest is 19, and we've had some trouble with him). Yet, dealing with teenagers is so tricky, and made worse for you by the divorce situation and the crappy father having custody. My parents divorced when I was about 7, so I have a bit of insight about that, too, FWIW.

I'd recommend making sure that he knows that you are not "giving up" on him, as tempting at that might be. Yes, continue to try to bring structure: lay down rules and follow up on them, but know that that is going to make you and your wife the "bad guys" to him at this point b/c of the crappy father. I'd recommend that all talking and disciplining with him is done with both you and your wife present as much as possible.

We did family counseling/psych with our youngest son, and that did help some with his situation, so I'd recommend that if you can get it lined up.

If the kid is getting into trouble at 1:30 in the morning, etc., can the custody situation be challenged at all?

BTW, I live in Knoxville, so happy to try to help a fellow Tennessean!

 

[TNJet]

4 minutes ago, TheClashFan said:

Just now seeing this. So sorry to hear about your situation. I was a high school teacher for 30 years and raised two sons (youngest is 19, and we've had some trouble with him). Yet, dealing with teenagers is so tricky, and made worse for you by the divorce situation and the crappy father having custody. My parents divorced when I was about 7, so I have a bit of insight about that, too, FWIW.

I'd recommend making sure that he knows that you are not "giving up" on him, as tempting at that might be. Yes, continue to try to bring structure: lay down rules and follow up on them, but know that that is going to make you and your wife the "bad guys" to him at this point b/c of the crappy father. I'd recommend that all talking and disciplining with him is done with both you and your wife present as much as possible.

We did family counseling/psych with our youngest son, and that did help some with his situation, so I'd recommend that if you can get it lined up.

If the kid is getting into trouble at 1:30 in the morning, etc., can the custody situation be challenged at all?

BTW, I live in Knoxville, so happy to try to help a fellow Tennessean!

 

I'm from Knoxville as well! Never knew that man. Awesome news...

[TheClashFan]

9 minutes ago, TNJet said:

Not that l like saying my wife is a bad parent but she does little to ever tell him no. I guess thats where the trouble lies. When the stepdad has better parenting skills than his biological parents but can't enforce anything lol.

Man, that really hurts your situation. You've got to get her on board. Is she afraid of ever telling him no b/c the father never does?

But you can enforce in your home. Let him know that he can stay with you guys any time, but that he's got to follow the rules. Make those firm but not extreme. I'd hope that losing the pickup truck would wake him up a bit, but maybe not...

[slats]

15 minutes ago, TNJet said:

Thanks, its the first time in 3 years I've ever raised my voice towards him. Its honestlu because disrespects his mother, my wife in my home. She alliws it. His real parents come off as weak and scared of him. I had to finally shut him up. He was punching and kicking stuff in my spare room up there. Don't touch my stuff in my home kid...

I'd never say that you can't tell any kid to respect your property in your home. 

Sounds to me like the problem is mom, and that's who you should be talking more with rather than the boy. Help to prop her up to be the parent. And that's a difficult conversation to have, too. Kids and money are probably the two biggest stresses on any marriage, and the stepkid dynamic just makes it that much harder to navigate. I don't know if she has a working relationship with her ex at all, but maybe encouraging her to get the three of them into family counseling would be the best bet. The kid will rebel but it will be harder for him if both of his parents can get together and set the same boundaries. More than a decade since my divorce, I still have no relationship with my ex, but we have always been able to work together when it came to the kids' best interests. 

Again, good luck!

[Thai Jet]

50 minutes ago, TNJet said:

Thanks buddy.

Yes he was given a nice little 2004 F150. Told he was to get a job, which he never did, and totaled it with 2 friends in it, at 130 am, on a backroad, I can only assume racing on a double line by the tire marks and rail damage on that road.

Not that l like saying my wife is a bad parent but she does little to ever tell him no. I guess thats where the trouble lies. When the stepdad has better parenting skills than his biological parents but can't enforce anything lol.

And there my friend is the root of your problem. Classic enabler.

You've really got your work cut out for you. There very well might come the time when, for self preservation, you say f$%k it and just let the kid go. All the best to you.

[TNJet]

4 minutes ago, Thai Jet said:

And there my friend is the root of your problem. Classic enabler.

You've really got your work cut out for you. There very well might come the time when, for self preservation, you say f$%k it and just let the kid go. All the best to you.

Actually agree 100%

[SAM SAM HE'S OUR MAN]

16 hours ago, TNJet said:

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

Your stepson pulled a Sheldon 

[TNJet]

35 minutes ago, SAM SAM HE'S OUR MAN said:

Your stepson pulled a Sheldon 

"Where da hoes at?"

[Gangrene]

13 hours ago, TNJet said:

I've tried. He's a hard kid to get close to. My father and I are best friends...this kid seems like he could care less about either parent until he needs money. He seems like he should be sent to a military school in my opinion but, I'm sure it will never happen. I'm  limited on what I can do for the better of him, being I'm not his biological father. Hard to explain l guess.

It's dangerous to give advise although I thought Boozer did a good job. Here's my two cents. Your step son needs to know that you give a damn.  Yes he needs boundaries but if he feels no one is interested or gives a toss, it's not going to work on it's own. There's a fair chance he resents you for not being his dad and he's probably got good at blaming everyone else for his issues. He has already concluded that it is other people who are the problem.

Depending on how much you have in common with him, try listening to him, spending some time with him. My old man loved the stuff that some men love...booze, other men's wives, knocking us kids about as hard as he could when he was liquored up and such. This was all fine of course but my brothers acted out like crazy and went off the rails. Cars and motorbikes crashes, legal issues, fist fights with the old man leading to them eventually getting tossed out of the house. If you're going to expect him to behave like an adult, you've got to be someone he can be inspired by. You're not his dad but you need to invest in him without expecting anything back. You don't need to blow a lot of money on him, go do some stuff together. If you can pay him for working together on stuff, that's another opportunity. Teenagers need money and if they are forced to spend time with you working on something, home construction project or whatever...it's an opportunity to see you as something other than an unwelcome complication in his teenage years.

He needs to know that you're just not waiting for him to leave, that you find something worthwhile in him, that you will support him as he tries to figure this stuff out. When he looks back on this teenage sh*t storm of his ten years from now, he might be grateful that for a stepdad, you weren't such a pain in ass after all.

[Arsis]

Legal bare minimum.

 

Oatmeal and rice for food.

 

No bailouts no support no anything.

 

Let him know that at 18 he's on the street.

 

He can shape up or ship out.

[Prez33]

I’m sorry you’re going through that, but like others have mentioned, you’re not the first or the last Dad that’s had to deal with stuff like this. 
 

My kids are getting older and I fear that one day they could become this type of kid. And I consider my marriage/family pretty normal.  I try to abide by the “firm but fair” approach. Remember, you’re an authority figure (parent) first, and a friend second. Try to talk to him more. Find out what he’s interested in, and maybe participate if possible. That can be the simplest thing like playing catch outside and small talking about what’s going on in the world, in his life, etc. A lot of kids just want to be heard. They want some validation. I mean, don’t we all? 
 

Good luck. 

[Alka]

19 hours ago, TNJet said:

Consider my friends. Maybe I was wrong...

I don't think reaching out for another opinion is ever a bad thing.

I have had a real rough stretch with my son, but thankfully that is in the past, and he is doing great now.

My only advice is to show tough love.  If you continually give in, or not hold a child accountable, then you are basically saying that their bad behavior is okay and acceptable.  No matter what you say, it is more of what you do that will make an impact.

Sometimes you can say the right things and do the right things, but things turn out bad in the end anyways.

In those situations, there is really nothing you can do.  Some people are on a collision course with tragedy, and they don't want to be saved.

[DJF71]

22 hours ago, Kevin L said:

Speaking from experience, juvenile detention might be the best thing for him.

I grew up as an angry young man who thought he was a tough guy. Juvenile detention showed me how not tough I really was.

Jail might be the only option. He needs his ass beat by someone. 

[win4ever]

Sorry to hear.

There isn’t much you can do at this point. At that age, everything works with the easiest path of least resistance.

I don’t have a kid that old so this is pure speculation. I don’t think things will improve until the father picks up his act because if you just try to be strict, he’s going to go towards the father anyway.

I would try to see if you can engage with him, find something common that you like. Maybe something like following the Jets, or arguing about them online. Nothing brings people together like misery.

The problem here is that you are not the father, you’re the guy who is with the mother. That’s normally an age when there’s some tension anyway, but this is to another level. Throw in the problem that the father doesn’t discipline him, and it’s worse.

Other than trying to connect and living by example, I’d keep my distance. He may have to burn a little to understand. Living in TN myself with 5g immunologists around me, I’ve learned that you can’t force sense into most people. They have to learn on their own.

Save X amount of money each month in a savings account. When he burns or comes to his senses, use that money to help rebuild his life. Until then, I think this is a runaway train.

Sorry.


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[BUM-KNEE]

I had a similar run with my stepson, but he moved out at 18 luckily. I was at my wits end and had a hard time relaxing and finding my happy place.  I was trying to be understanding but it was hard on me personally. He basicly grew up with a drunk father who never laid down the law with the kid. It was made worse by wife (ex-wife now) not allowing me to discipline him very much. (He lived with me 24-7)

The best way to get through to him was fishing and carpentry. We bonded pretty well through those outlets and things got slightly better, but he never changed completely. (He's 30 now). Finding some common ground is key. Once you have that you can start to make a positive impact. Conversations were way easier after that and he seemed to want my input or advice finally.

Good luck with this, as it can cause misery and distrust amongst the family. It can get better, but it isn't a slam dunk.

 

[peebag]

This is why I feel abortion should be legal until year 18.

Give them f*ckers something to think about.

[Jet_Engine1]

On 5/17/2020 at 12:01 AM, TNJet said:

I've tried. He's a hard kid to get close to. My father and I are best friends...this kid seems like he could care less about either parent until he needs money. He seems like he should be sent to a military school in my opinion but, I'm sure it will never happen. I'm  limited on what I can do for the better of him, being I'm not his biological father. Hard to explain l guess.

Cut off the money. 

[Irish Jet]

From the the sounds of it you'd need to have a stern talk with the parents as much as the kid.