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Advice? My 16 year old stepson wants to try weed...


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My wife just told me he told her he was going to buy a vape pen. He said he wasnt asking for permission, just informing.

Hes pretty much a good kid. A lil dopey and absent minded but whatever. His grades used to be excellent now they are Cs and Bs and maybe 1 D.

So any of you guys have any advice? I dont need the peanut gallery to chime in....

my reaction? Again I told her she is way too soft on him And looking for no conflict. If he was my blood, his crap would be in the street.

My wife is like “what can i do?” And I immediately belted out: cancel his gym membership, cancel his cell service, no talk about ever getting a car etc etc oh yea and tell his dad so his dad can f him up

Advice?

 

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My folks never touched a drug in their life, raised 3 surfers who smoke weed every day since high school.  They never understood it.  Legit, couldnt figure out how 2 people who never touched anything

Be proud he told you and that he hasnt smoked weed yet seems like the best answer. I was smoking by 14, wouldnt dare tell my parents.  Seems like a good kid, let him get high.  He's going to

It's like the gubment war on drugs.. policy failure to try and clamp down. Costs are too high, in your case communication and trust, and efficacy is low.. kid may be more compelled to to try it, but n

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If it was my son or step-son I'd do the following.

I'd say "Ok bud, you can try it. We'll even pick it up for you from the local dispensary. But we decide the parameters of this experiment"

You let him try it. But he's under house arrest while he's high. You're there for the first few hits, then you take the vape pen away and let him go about his business - i.e. prob going to watch Netflix, video games or porn.

Maybe two hours later, you check-in.

"Everything alright, son?"

"Yea, dad, I've got under control, bruh"

"Alright, son. See you in the morning."

Then over breakfast you ask, "So what'd you think?"

Regardless of how he answers you explain that it's not that weed is particularly dangerous - hell it's becoming legalized in almost every state.

You say something to the effect of "The problem with weed is that a lot of people who smoke it become complacent in their lives. Instead of going to the gym, chasing that girl from class, developing new hobbies and generally being a great human, they sink into their couch, consuming video games, pornography, netflix and snacks. We think you're better than that, son. And we trust you to make the right decision."

If he has read Brave New World, you can tell him it's like the 'soma' drug they used in that. Not dangerous in a direct way, but dangerous in that people take it to escape the reality of their lives instead of bettering their lives.

The key here is - he's a teenager and If he wants to try it, he'll get his hands on it. I would think my job as a parent is to maintain my credibility, position to advise and legitimacy as an authority figure. You can come down far harder later if he takes a liking to it this way, then if you leave it up to him. You've earned some credibility here doing this.

Plus, you get to see what he's like when you know for sure he's high, this way you can spot it easier later.

There's layers here, bro. You're playing the long game. Don't forget that. 

Good luck. 

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25 yr old daughter and 28 yr old son. 

Both college graduates decent jobs. 

I used to say some of  life's lessons are best learned on their own. 

Its been awhile since I had a 16 yr old and times are ever changing it just seems too young to be experimenting with drugs. 

Marijuana is a drug and its definitely illegal for a 16 yr old regardless of it becoming legal in many states. 

If it were drinking a couple of beers supervised  I would be more inclined to approve. 

My vote is NO 

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Yah hide all the chips and desserts in the house otherwise he's gonna steal all your snacks. The trick is you have to hide the B-level snacks in an easy spot that they'll find, then you hide your A-level snacks in your real hiding spot, which they never find because of the diversion. My wife hasn't found my pita chips for like 3 months now. 

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Be proud he told you and that he hasnt smoked weed yet seems like the best answer.

I was smoking by 14, wouldnt dare tell my parents. 

Seems like a good kid, let him get high.  He's going to anyway.

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7 hours ago, RutgersJetFan said:

Yah hide all the chips and desserts in the house otherwise he's gonna steal all your snacks. The trick is you have to hide the B-level snacks in an easy spot that they'll find, then you hide your A-level snacks in your real hiding spot, which they never find because of the diversion. My wife hasn't found my pita chips for like 3 months now. 

Tough love^^

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Marijuana was the medicine I needed.  I didn’t try it until 18, but my productivity went way up ever since I started using it.  
 

Everyone is different, and it will have different effects on different people, but alcohol is way worse for you.  
 

My parents acted like you wanted to, and we drifted apart because of it.  Not the right attitude.  

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I would not let him but maybe you should ask him why he wants to smoke. Maybe he's depressed, wants to escape reality/problems or possibly his friends do it and he wants to fit in. I'm just throwing things out there but I would ask him why he wants to and then explain to him that he doesn't have to turn to getting high if he's having issues. 

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8 hours ago, RutgersJetFan said:

Yah hide all the chips and desserts in the house otherwise he's gonna steal all your snacks. The trick is you have to hide the B-level snacks in an easy spot that they'll find, then you hide your A-level snacks in your real hiding spot, which they never find because of the diversion. My wife hasn't found my pita chips for like 3 months now. 

^thinks pita chips are an A-level snack.

See the perils of weed!!!

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8 hours ago, RutgersJetFan said:

Yah hide all the chips and desserts in the house otherwise he's gonna steal all your snacks. The trick is you have to hide the B-level snacks in an easy spot that they'll find, then you hide your A-level snacks in your real hiding spot, which they never find because of the diversion. My wife hasn't found my pita chips for like 3 months now. 

PITA CHIPS?!? That’s your a level snack??

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46 minutes ago, Butterfield said:

My parents acted like you wanted to, and we drifted apart because of it.  Not the right attitude.  

Yea, I don’t have any real advice cuz I’m still new to being a parent and hopefully won’t have to deal with this for another 15-16 years, but the only thing I will say is that reigning down on him with rage isn’t going to get anyone anywhere. I’ve seen it first hand.

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5 minutes ago, JiF said:

My folks never touched a drug in their life, raised 3 surfers who smoke weed every day since high school.  They never understood it.  Legit, couldnt figure out how 2 people who never touched anything other then alcohol raised experimental boys.  They hated it but knew they couldnt do anything about it.  So we never talked about it, hid it from them and it caused some contention from time to time but usually nothing more then disappointment but still, it was an underlying impact on our relationship.

Fast forward to their 70's, both retired, live in a community with a lot of retirees.  My dad's neighbor and now best friend, is a former musician, a little younger then my pops, grew up in the 60's and been smoking weed his whole life.  So finally, at 76, my dad smoked weed and now, it's no big deal.  lol  30 years of that sh*t is ruining your life and killing your brains cells and now, he's 84 and it's not big deal, in fact, he encourages it.  lol  I think he's making up for old times...realizing he was unnecessarily hard and disappointed on us over something some menial. 

 

Very similar experience.  Except, when they found out, at age 18, they kicked me out and we didn’t talk for years.  Pathetic reason to punish your kid, especially when I really gave them no other reason to do such a thing.  

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Thanks guys. Some good advice here.

 

YES Its nice that he feels comfy enough to tell his mom (bizarre to me tho)

He said he is depressed. He is 16 and hasnt even kissed a girl yet. He is desperate for sex. He watches porn too much. All his friends have girlfriends (totally not true). All his friends have cars (totally not true) All his friends have jobs (not all, but some)

Imma stay out of it really. IMO he is spoiled. He lives in a fat high end pool home, goes to the best school in Tampa, is on the wrestling team and goes to the gym 2 hrs a day. He's got lots of family and a fridge full of food so its hard for me to "feel bad" for him but heres an idea: Girls: Your not that good looking, stop thinking youre gonna date the hottest chicks in school. (you should see how he goofs on this pretty girl down the block that is already out of his league) CAR: Youre 16, just stop. Get a job. Show us you can hold a job for 6 months AND get decent grades AND handle the gym/sports and then we will talk cars.

 

IDK I was very different. I was working at 15 and I bought my own car, a 72 mustang for 500 bucks. I didnt get my first GF/ kiss/ ass until 16. Its no big deal. This kid wants a car to fall out of the sky. He has nowhere to go in it and no money for insurance?!?

 

Im not gonna have him get high under my supervision thats just too weird. Im older, like joewilly and I also believe the street is where u learn

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2 minutes ago, HighPitch said:

Thanks guys. Some good advice here.

 

YES Its nice that he feels comfy enough to tell his mom (bizarre to me tho)

He said he is depressed. He is 16 and hasnt even kissed a girl yet. He is desperate for sex. He watches porn too much. All his friends have girlfriends (totally not true). All his friends have cars (totally not true) All his friends have jobs (not all, but some)

Imma stay out of it really. IMO he is spoiled. He lives in a fat high end pool home, goes to the best school in Tampa, is on the wrestling team and goes to the gym 2 hrs a day. He's got lots of family and a fridge full of food so its hard for me to "feel bad" for him but heres an idea: Girls: Your not that good looking, stop thinking youre gonna date the hottest chicks in school. (you should see how he goofs on this pretty girl down the block that is already out of his league) CAR: Youre 16, just stop. Get a job. Show us you can hold a job for 6 months AND get decent grades AND handle the gym/sports and then we will talk cars.

 

IDK I was very different. I was working at 15 and I bought my own car, a 72 mustang for 500 bucks. I didnt get my first GF/ kiss/ ass until 16. Its no big deal. This kid wants a car to fall out of the sky. He has nowhere to go in it and no money for insurance?!?

 

Im not gonna have him get high under my supervision thats just too weird. Im older, like joewilly and I also believe the street is where u learn

Your opinion sounds 100% like my dads. A lot of the anxiety and depression I still feel today, in my 40s, can be traced back to him.  

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47 minutes ago, Butterfield said:

Your opinion sounds 100% like my dads. A lot of the anxiety and depression I still feel today, in my 40s, can be traced back to him.  

sorry for your pain butterfield but I am who I am, Your dad is your dad and you are you. 

My opinion, imo lol, is not extreme. 

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50 minutes ago, HighPitch said:

Thanks guys. Some good advice here.

 

YES Its nice that he feels comfy enough to tell his mom (bizarre to me tho)

He said he is depressed. He is 16 and hasnt even kissed a girl yet. He is desperate for sex. He watches porn too much. All his friends have girlfriends (totally not true). All his friends have cars (totally not true) All his friends have jobs (not all, but some)

Imma stay out of it really. IMO he is spoiled. He lives in a fat high end pool home, goes to the best school in Tampa, is on the wrestling team and goes to the gym 2 hrs a day. He's got lots of family and a fridge full of food so its hard for me to "feel bad" for him but heres an idea: Girls: Your not that good looking, stop thinking youre gonna date the hottest chicks in school. (you should see how he goofs on this pretty girl down the block that is already out of his league) CAR: Youre 16, just stop. Get a job. Show us you can hold a job for 6 months AND get decent grades AND handle the gym/sports and then we will talk cars.

 

IDK I was very different. I was working at 15 and I bought my own car, a 72 mustang for 500 bucks. I didnt get my first GF/ kiss/ ass until 16. Its no big deal. This kid wants a car to fall out of the sky. He has nowhere to go in it and no money for insurance?!?

 

Im not gonna have him get high under my supervision thats just too weird. Im older, like joewilly and I also believe the street is where u learn

Entitlement is part of life for the teenage kids. They see it on social media and wonder why not me? My damn kids had friends who’s parents showed their version of love  by buying a Mustang GT or Jeep with a wrapped bow for their 16th birthday. I showed love by teaching my kids that happiness comes from experiences , love and working hard. They got the first two pretty good, they are 19,21,23,25 and 32 still working on the third. My eldest daughter always ask me,” why the hell do you still do your own lawn?” Answer,” because I want that shit done right!!” 

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4 minutes ago, HighPitch said:

sorry for your pain butterfield but I am who I am, Your dad is your dad and you are you. 

My opinion, imo lol, is not extreme. 

Plus it’s so hard with step kids. I got one step kid and four  from my testicles. My step kid wasn’t terribly difficult for me because my wife raised her pretty  much before I got there when she was 10. If it was a boy it would be way different I think: 

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4 minutes ago, HighPitch said:

sorry for your pain butterfield but I am who I am, Your dad is your dad and you are you. 

My opinion, imo lol, is not extreme. 

The fact that you would post such personal information about a child on the internet says a lot.  

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6 minutes ago, Butterfield said:

The fact that you would post such personal information about a child on the internet says a lot.  

Oh get lost. This “personal info” is common in teens.

dude im not your dad so redirect your anger please

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Despite the bashing butterfield is giving me I am here because I seriously need advice.

Step dad stuff is not easy and neither is teen angst. Trying to do the right thing here. 
 

I appreciate your opinions

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2 minutes ago, Butterfield said:

Lol.  A little defensive?  

Seriously? How about you stop projecting your anger on me. Im not ur dad and youre the sensitive one carrying on in your 40s.

i tried to be nice before. I said im sorry about your pain but now your just trying to get a reaction out of me. Well done btw

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16 minutes ago, The Crusher said:

why the hell do you still do your own lawn?” Answer,” because I want that sh*t done right!!” 

Exactly both my kids ask me the same damn thing and I give them the same answer. 

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Just now, HighPitch said:

Despite the bashing butterfield is giving me I am here because I seriously need advice.

Step dad stuff is not easy and neither is teen angst. Trying to do the right thing here. 
 

I appreciate your opinions

Its not bashing.  You asked for advice but aren’t going to take it anyway.  You were just fishing for support.  Like I said, unless you want to ruin your relationship with your stepson, and with your wife (bc I am sure she will be very happy with you if she never sees her kid again) you need to start seeing things from another angle.  The way you posted things in this thread do not support the theory that you are really open minded.  Like you said, you are you, but your stepson is not you.  Different people don’t respond the same to similar treatment.  
 

Have you considered offering him CBD?  That may help (it works for many people, but sadly, not me).  I am not one who thinks you should just condone it, especially in your house, but if the kid is coming to you (or the mom) and being this honest with you, then maybe you need to give his opinions a second thought, and not just dismiss his concerns of being depressed.  

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3 minutes ago, HighPitch said:

Seriously? How about you stop projecting your anger on me. Im not ur dad and youre the sensitive one carrying on in your 40s.

i tried to be nice before. I said im sorry about your pain but now your just trying to get a reaction out of me. Well done btw

I’m not angry with you.  :) 

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Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager from a broken home is harder. I'm sure he's got issues that he magnifies into worse issues. That's not a free pass, though. 

With my kids, when it came to drugs or relationships or sex, I always tried to give them the best, honest information that I had, and gave them my best advice. I didn't outlaw things that weren't under my control. You can't watch them 24/7, and if they wanna do something, they're gonna do it. And that sounds like where he's at. As others have said, it's good that he's upfront about it. 

I'd be talking to him about sticking with the wrestling, the gym, getting his grades up, and if all that is happening the weed isn't detrimental to him. If you see a decline, that should be another talk with mom and/or dad about righting the ship. 

A depressed kid watching too much porn, I think, is the bigger issue than him wanting to try weed. Has anyone brought up therapy? I divorced when my kids were 13 & 11, and they've both been, and have both had good experiences. 

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5 minutes ago, slats said:

Being a teenager is hard. Being a teenager from a broken home is harder. I'm sure he's got issues that he magnifies into worse issues. That's not a free pass, though. 

With my kids, when it came to drugs or relationships or sex, I always tried to give them the best, honest information that I had, and gave them my best advice. I didn't outlaw things that weren't under my control. You can't watch them 24/7, and if they wanna do something, they're gonna do it. And that sounds like where he's at. As others have said, it's good that he's upfront about it. 

I'd be talking to him about sticking with the wrestling, the gym, getting his grades up, and if all that is happening the weed isn't detrimental to him. If you see a decline, that should be another talk with mom and/or dad about righting the ship. 

A depressed kid watching too much porn, I think, is the bigger issue than him wanting to try weed. Has anyone brought up therapy? I divorced when my kids were 13 & 11, and they've both been, and have both had good experiences. 

Same thing here. It really helps them to talk to someone other than parents or relatives. Worked for 4 out of 5 of ours. My son Sal is way too much like me, he’ll just have to learn the hard way. At the end of the day love and listen is all you an do until they are ready to hear. 

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Yes slats i am also concerned about the porn. My wife is sooooo liberal with kids its crazy. He said before he got a cell that he wished he had a playboy. Mom buys it and has me give it to him. A year later he asks her for lube, she buys it. Now he has an iphone and watches porn all the time ( his words)

I mean its nice that she and him have this open relationship where he can confide in her but clearly its a double edged sword.

I want to say “see! The playboy, the lube and now this I told you so” but that never ends well

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