MiamiJet Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Ok, let's lighten things up a bit. A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. " The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjets Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GREENSMACKS Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 What did one gay guy say to the other as they walked passed a funeral parlor? Want to go in and suck down on a couple of cold ones... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiamiJet Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmoe57 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 not bad -- my tirn in the spirit of St. Patricks Day A young irish women runs into her home screaming Mother Mother I have a case of V.D The mother says Give to ya father he will drink anything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadetree Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 What do you call 2 gay irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyCarl40 Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Ok, ok I got a joke.. here it goes: The Miami Dolphins Thanks I'll be here all week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SUPERJET Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Your mamma's so ugly, her shrink makes her lay face down. Your mamma's so dumb, she sits on the TV and watches the couch. Your mamma's so fat, her shirt size is 'Damn' Happy Friday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 A guy notices two good looking girls at a bar. He tells the bartender to send the one on the left a drink, on him. The bartender says "Dont waste your time, they have been coming in here for years, they are Lesbians." The guy says, "What the hell, send one anyways". The bartender sends the drink over and after a few minutes the woman comes over and says "Excuse me, did you buy me a drink?". The man answers "yes, I did". The woman replies "Well thank you very much, would you like to see some t!ts?" The man says "Hell, ya". The woman then lifts up her tank-top revealing gorgeous jugs. She jiggles them a bit, then leaves, returning to her seat. The bartender comes over and says "Damn, I cant believe it". the man then says "Hey, what the hell, buy the other woman a drink". The bartender then proceeds to bring a drink to the other woman. After a few minutes the other woman comes over and says "Excuse me, did you buy me a drink?". The man answers "yes, I did". The woman replies "Well thank you very much, would you like to smell some pussy?" The man says "Hell, ya". The woman then leans over and blows in his face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 What do you call 2 gay irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael. Gay-lic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetFanByMarriage Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 For St Paddy's Day!! Two young Irish men had been out sleeping with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the priest, "Father, I have sinned. I have sex with a young lady. Please forgive me." The priest said, "Tell me my son, who the young lady was." The young man said he couldn't do that and the priest said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. "Was it Mary Kelly?" asked the priest." "No." "Was it Rosie Ryan?" "No." "Was it that red-headed hussey Brigid O'Reilly?" "No." "Well then," said the priest, "You'll not be forgiven." When the young man met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness." "No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!" < Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjets Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA A guy notices two good looking girls at a bar. He tells the bartender to send the one on the left a drink, on him. The bartender says "Dont waste your time, they have been coming in here for years, they are Lesbians." The guy says, "What the hell, send one anyways". The bartender sends the drink over and after a few minutes the woman comes over and says "Excuse me, did you buy me a drink?". The man answers "yes, I did". The woman replies "Well thank you very much, would you like to see some t!ts?" The man says "Hell, ya". The woman then lifts up her tank-top revealing gorgeous jugs. She jiggles them a bit, then leaves, returning to her seat. The bartender comes over and says "Damn, I cant believe it". the man then says "Hey, what the hell, buy the other woman a drink". The bartender then proceeds to bring a drink to the other woman. After a few minutes the other woman comes over and says "Excuse me, did you buy me a drink?". The man answers "yes, I did". The woman replies "Well thank you very much, would you like to smell some pussy?" The man says "Hell, ya". The woman then leans over and blows in his face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raffyD Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." --------------------- Mike and Don fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Don said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Mike said. "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Mike said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Don replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks, then Don said, "OK, I'll stick the Sausage through my fly and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Mike said, "Don - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Don said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage somewhere after the third pub." ----------------- An Irishman, who had a little too much to drink, is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ye been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like ye've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." ----------------- An Irish daughter had not been home in over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!?Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family!" "Okay, Dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, the title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for five million dollars. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club. And (she takes a breath) an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board me new yacht on the Riviera, and..." Her father interupts, asking, "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" The girl, crying again, says, "Sniff, sniff...I've become a prostitute, Dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Now come here and give yer old man a hug!" Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiamiJet Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 LOL, lol good stuff. Here's some more: Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 another feather in jetnations cap..a joke thread with some really funny jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 For Jetheelz: Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. Superman thinks to himself taht "Hey, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her." So, he flies down does his business and in 4 seconds he's back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man then says: "I don't know but my ass hurts!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetFanByMarriage Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it... she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I got my x wife a pair of slippers & a dildo for xmas last year with a note that said "if you don't like the slippers you can go fukk yourself" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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