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Smizzy

North Carolina Poopie Humor (Merged eleventy-Billion times)

what caused tonight's bed evicting stench?  

5 members have voted

  1. 1. what caused tonight's bed evicting stench?

    • six pack coors light
      6
    • crab cakes w/zesty sauce
      6
    • garlic mashed potatos
      3
    • turkey wrap w/tons of mayo
      0
    • roast beef
      2
    • leftover meatballs and ravioli
      5
    • it is an urban legend that pungent factor has relation to food intake
      3
    • why didn't you blame the dog, idiot?
      17


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deadly and wet :confused:

It's called sharting, SJ.

Hard boiled eggs stink the worst, or egg salad. it's a horrendous smell.

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Broccoli gives me septic gas also.

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your future daughter-in-law still refuses to let me have raisins after i dutch-ovened her. i'm not even allowed raisin bran, which i love. i told her a few raisins won't hurt anyone but she said she's still waiting for the cilia in her lungs to grow back. i always try to sneak them into the cart and she's always telling the cashier they were in there by mistake. then she shoots me an evil look that says "keep your mouth shut, buster." a girl scout tried to sell me oatmeal raisin cookies at home depot, my fiance almost ripped her head off.

Did SJ ever teach you this trick, Johnny.

I was shopping with my GF one time, and was experiencing horrible gas. we were standing in line to check out when I let go a 15 second silent burst that almost popped a blood vessel in my forehead. I then told her I forgot something, and to wait in line. well, she was the suspect after I left, with everyone giving her the stinky, dirty look. everybody thought she stunk something awful. poor girl. :rl:

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With HOT SAUCE? That's ridiculous. Your stuff is so active in the morning you're just asking for it! lol

PS-- you know what I've liked about Philly for the last 2 years.. they actually KNOW what taylor ham is!!!

I hear that, pork roll (aka, taylor ham) can't be found anywhere in the country except for NJ/NY/PA.

I love that ****

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I'm in in the wrong thread!!! Wait, I either got caught in a merge or I completely typed in the wrong place. I'm confused. :confused: Anyway, that's it for me on this topic.

I have to admit, I was confused too. but Max is back now, and his thread merging talent is beyond repute. you just got caught up in his lightning like efficiency.

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i got hit with an infraction. my lofty humor must not be appreciated here. :razz:

What does an infraction taste like? and does it give you gas?

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Hahahahahaha.....you suck.

Lady Godiva has finally chimed in.

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i have crapped in public toilets from san diego to amsterdam, from the frozen ice floes of michigan to the hot sweaty swamps of southern florida. for the first time, here is the culmination of my vast experience playing away games far from your own crapper.

STEP ONE: SCOUTING

only a fool goes into enemy territory without gaining as much intelligence as possible. in order to do this, certain pieces of information are vital. first, check to see if other stalls are occupied. a gigantic mistake is taking a stall adjacent to another pooper when there are other options. always avoid adjacent dumping where possible. once you've chosen a likely stall, you must then check for essentials. is the stall clean? sure, it's never going to be as clean as home but is it acceptable? make sure the toilet seat is dry and clean and the toilet is flushed clean. never dump without a flushed bowl. is there a suitable amount of TP? always plan on a messy game, that way you won't find yourself 5 wipes in and out of paper. if you're wearing a jacket, is there a garmet hook? taking a dump with your suit jacket balled up is better avoided as wearing your jacket while dumping is a big mistake. it will act like a mudflap for all sorts of nastiness if you keep it on. lastly, unless you plan on hovering, make sure there is an "ass gasket"-- the paper barrier between your ass and contracting herpes. in a pinch, carefully arranged toilet paper can suffice. oh and larry david is correct; it is perfectly acceptable to use the handicapped stall if it is unoccupied. if you come out and find a handicapped person waiting, apologize and tell him the others were full when you came in.

EXPERT TIP: lay a few pieces of toilet paper into the bowl itself to completely cover the water, this will drastically cut down on 'splash backs.'

STEP TWO: WARM UP

everyone knows you can't just run a mile without stretching first or you will tear something. a successful away game requires warm up. in order to do this, make sure you take off any outerwear (i.e. sports coat, jacket, etc). there is nothing worse than finding a suprise on the tails of your suit jacket when you get home. second, if the toilet is an auto-flusher, you have to be very careful not to make it flush as you position yourself. many times, the most careful of nesting preparations have been destroyed by the auto-flush carrying away your precious seat barriers down the drain. once you get close to the toilet and the sensor thinks you're sitting you must commit. work quickly and sit down to avoid breaking the circuit. once you get comfortable, make sure none of your seat nesting is blocking the turd's escape from your arse. you don't want to be dealing with smeared ass gasket later that could get turd on your thigh.

EXPERT TIP: make sure your pants and boxers are pulled at least to the knee to avoid them from touching the small gap at the front of the toilet seat and the dirtier bottom rim beneath.

STEP THREE: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL

you're in a public john, you goal should be three-up, three-down and get out of the inning as quickly as possible. there are no style points like at home. you need to focus on the task at hand. if reading helps, do it but if you're done with the deed don't stick around to read the end of the article, leave the tainted newspaper behind and get the hell out of there. don't let whatever is happening outside the stall distract you. focus on the task at hand. if someone occupies the stall next to you, don't let it get in your head. they are a jerk for taking the stall next to you but the difference between average crappers and great ones is the ability to fight through adversity. just get it out so you can get out.

EXPERT TIP: the true expert will make the adjacent stall less inviting to other potential poopers. before entering your chosen stall, try pouring a glass of water on the seat of the stall next to you or removing that stall's TP.

STEP FOUR: CLOSING

an average of 75% of the time spend in the bathroom is devoted to clean up. this is especially true when playing an away games because low quality toilet paper and nerves can cut down on wiping efficiency. the key to the away game cleanup is methodical folding of the paper, wiping and disposal of the paper. if the tail of the paper toches the ground when you are getting it off the roller, you must discard at least the bottom 6 inches. if you miss the bowl with a piece of used paper, let it go, it will only distract you from your escape mission. if the toilet is an autoflush, you don't have to worry about flushing your nesting, if not, use your foot to clean house for the next guy.

EXPERT TIP: fold, don't bunch the paper. the greater surface area will result in less wipes and less stinky fingers.

STEP FIVE: ESCAPE

if you're at a truly public place like a ball game you're in the clear. come out of the stall, make a "whew" face to the guy waiting for your stall and say "tough one" and share the bond of commraderie felt between poopers. if you're at a semi-public place, like work, things are a bit more tricky. first, avoid emerging when someone else is in the bathroom. this could create an uncomforable sink moment. if you do exit as someone else is coming in or another pooper emerges when you are washing your hands you must avoid all discussion of the stench filling the bathroom. if another pooper remains in a stall and a newcomer enters in, attempt to avoid "outing" yourself to the remaining pooper by engaging in coversation. attempt to acknowledge the newcomer with a nod or a short, quiet "hey" so that the remaining pooper is unable to deduce who just dropped the bomb next to him.

EXPERT TIP: if you exit the stall and another pooper remains in a different stall and a talkative newcomer enters, fake a coughing fit to avoid conversation and "outing" yourself to the other pooper.

I'll give this an SJesque POTW nominee!

:rl:

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And all of a sudden I felt like I was being moved to North Carolina. :lol:

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How many NC turd threads can fit into a Vbulletin message board, the world will never know. \:D/:biggrin:

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Is Roberts Inc. an SJ conglomerate?

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Man, I had a doozy the other night...

Earlier in day I had some rice and peas for lunch,,after 1st 2 bites I knew something was bad,,had almost a chemical taste to it,,I threw it out and felt well rest of day..

Well later that nite I had piercing pain that came in throbs for about 15 minutes,,finally I was able to relieve myself at toilet. It was like the Hoover Dam burst. The velocity and volume of the lava flow was scary. It went on for 10 seconds, felt better and then got up. Immdediately pain came back, back on throne and Vesuvious erupted again with teh same velocity and power that chargrilled half of Pompeii. I felt better after last arse tsunami. I would have thoiught food poisonoing, but I didnt think tha thit for 30 minutes, then you are OK after you empty Hersheys vault.

Needless to say, I repeated this FOUR times. I lost 4 lbs. when I weighed myself the next day.

Any other stories where you thought you were gonna meet your maker.

I was in Cancun in 1995 and I made the mistake of getting Mexican McDonalds. I did not have diarrhea, but what I did have was several little turdlets that felt like 800 degree hot rivets coming out of my ass. I had tears in my eyes from the pain. it was brutal.

The next day I had a severe stomach pain that would not go away. I was tossing and turning in bed when my friend passed me 2 Di-Gel tablets with double protection (gas and acid). moments after finishing the di-gel I started ripping thunder farts, which eased the pain with every eruption until I was completely degassed.

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She's right. you're a pig. :animal0026:\:D/

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Hey BP,,u said you wouldnt move???

2nd shift must have come in,,,guess its cool to have a rep ;)

I didn't move it. however, I did add the farting and crapping option to your ''what's likely to happen first thread''. I'm terribly sorry. :P

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It was a thug turd

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Dump/ban

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The home of JGB

:rl:

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You asking them to ban me? For what??? Get over yourself.

That's a JI thing, don't sweat it.

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I have to admit that drinking kefir probiotics every day really really really gives my bowels a burst that raisins could never do. Highly recommended

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