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Smizzy

North Carolina Poopie Humor (Merged eleventy-Billion times)

what caused tonight's bed evicting stench?  

5 members have voted

  1. 1. what caused tonight's bed evicting stench?

    • six pack coors light
      6
    • crab cakes w/zesty sauce
      6
    • garlic mashed potatos
      3
    • turkey wrap w/tons of mayo
      0
    • roast beef
      2
    • leftover meatballs and ravioli
      5
    • it is an urban legend that pungent factor has relation to food intake
      3
    • why didn't you blame the dog, idiot?
      17


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Ive never liked the match method... now it smells like sh!t and smoke. Fan usually isnt powerful enough to draw the sh!t particles out of the air.

If you have a bathroom with a window in it, the window is the best. If you dont, you are screwed.

I dont really care if people smell my bathroom brownies.

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So there I was yesterday... driving between 2 work locations and enjoying a bag of beef jerky. Half hour ride. No rest areas. No restaurants nearby. The first few bites tasted delicious. The next few were good but not as satisfying.

Then I began to feel it. Something just didnt seem right in my stomach. Knowing I wasnt close to home, I knew to not try and sneak out a little gas... just in case. I stopped eating. My stomach settled down and I decided I had to have more beef jerky since this would probably be my last meal of the day since I was going to be working late.

20 minutes left.

By this point I knew there was going to be trouble. I repositioned myself on my seat to avoid any accidental leakage if it came to that point. My stomach began to growl like a thunderstorm rolling in. I knew I had to watch my speed because there are lots of cops on this road. I hoped for the best.

15 minutes left.

My colon decided it was time to start percolating... Yep... my insides felt like they were liquifying... My body decided it was time to start making some trouser chili.

10 minutes

I knew I was in trouble and was going to have..... EAS. EAS??? Yeah. Exploding Ass Syndrome. When every ounce of liquid comes exploding out of your ass and you have major splash-back. I began to sweat profusely, and hope for the best.

5 minutes

Now it feels like contractions... there is pain and then it dissipates. Then 30 seconds later there it is again. Only Im not having a baby, my body is preparing to drop the kids off at the pool.

Arrival:

I made it. No "accidents" I clench my cheeks together and make the long walk across the parking lot. I left all my work stuff in the car and went straight for the front door.

I walked past everyone there just giving a little wave and a Hi. I start unbuckling, and then JGB comes to mind. I wipe off the seat... look for plenty of toilet paper and bend over just in time for the green apple splatters to come firing out of my back side mere milliseconds before my fleshy posterior hit the seat. WIth that someone comes walking in and they get to hear my foghorn from the stall. I cant help it and burst out laughing. Then the chili pours out again... then more gas... now the guy leaves without flushing or washing his hands (probably couldnt breathe) and someone else walks in.

This goes on for another 10 minutes with my EAS and me laughing the entire time thinking about the turd thread. Sure I lost a lot of fluid and I needed 2 vitamin waters to put fluids back in me, but I felt much better afterwards.

Maybe I should have just sh!t on the floor... and they had those long U faucets that I could have bent and used to clean out the exit door of my body.

The only thing I did wrong was not giving a courtesy flush. But then again, screw em

  • Upvote 1

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He forgot to follow JGB's advice and bring reading material and check for TP. Now he is in deep trouble with no way to wipe.

Either that

or

"where did I leave my car last night... I was sooo drunk and that girl was such a skank!!!"

or

"I wonder where the satellite lots will be for Jets games"

or

"I cant belive Max banned me... I thought I was unbannable"

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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA :rl: :rl: :rl:

i know when i been bested. you sir, are the honororary turd thread captain.

POTW TURDOTW nom!!!!! this is at least on par with the infamous raisin thread.

hahah green apple splatters! and you thought about me through it all. brings a tear of pride to my eye.

Thanks!!!

I was hoping I didnt have to explain to someone at work that beef jerky gave me diarrhea and I was laughing because there was this turd thread on JetNation and someone named johnny green balls was the turd thread master. They would think I was nuts!

I think you cursed me... after my sh!t on the floor comment you cursed me with the chocolate explosion to see if I would do it. You win sir. You win.

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Here we are

Dear old friend

You and i drunk again

laughs have been had

tears have been shed

maybe the whisky has gone to my head

but if i were gay

i would give you my heart

and if i were gay

you'd be my work of art

and if i were gay

we would swim in romance

but im not gay

so get your hand out of my pants

its not that i dont care

i do

i just dont see myself in you

another time another scene

i'd be right behind you if you know what i mean

coz if i were gay

i would give soul

and if i were gay

i would give you my whole... being

and if i were gay

we would tear down the walls

But I'm Not gay

so wont you stop cupping my Ba... Hand

we've never hugged

we've never kissed

i've never been intimate with your fist

you have opened brand new doors

get over here and drop ... your ... Drawers

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http://allafrica.com/stories/200706270112.html

Diarrhoea Hits Heroes

New Vision (Kampala)

NEWS

26 June 2007 </B>

Posted to the web 27 June 2007

By Douglas Mazune

Kampala

RELEGATION-THREATENED Mbale Heroes did not show up for their make-or-break tie against Super League champions URA at Namboole stadium, citing diarrhoea that has hit their camp.

Heroes wrote to national football league secretary Moses Magogo on Saturday requesting that the match be rescheduled to allow their players recover. Magogo rejected the initial plea but was forced to give the Mbale side a hearing after they sent supporting documents yesterday.

"They sent a fax last Saturday which I saw on Monday but I turned down their request because they hadn't attached supporting medical documents," Magogo revealed.

"They later sent some medical documents very late which I could not readily interpret. I am waiting for Dr. Ronald Kisolo to look at their documents."

If URA is awarded the three points Villa will be out of contention for the league title. The decision would also ease Express' relegation worries as the Mbale side slips to the drop zone. Sam Ssimbwa's Express has four games remaining- against URA, KCC, Simba and Masaka.

"We normally give 48 hours for a team to give a convincing reason why they didn't turn up. You never know, they could have got an accident," Magogo explained.

URA turned up for the match yesterday ready to take a firm step towards clinching the title but will have to hold on until Friday.

"I want to take a firm step to the title on Friday and win all the remaining matches," URA tactician Frank 'Video' said. Express will thereafter be at the mercy of Simba, KCC and URA. Heroes could still survive relegation if they beat Mukono in Mbale.

:rl:

:bwahaharoll:

:lololol:

:pooh:

:chas:

:doctor:

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