North Carolina Poopie Humor (Merged eleventy-Billion times)

[SouthernJet]

Morning Columbian coffee... yikes.

now add a Morning Sports Page and a warm hopper seat and you have a countdown Houston

[nj meadowlands]

Morning coffee and a cinnamon raisin bagel?

[johnny green balls]

feel it stirring early, boys? i haven't had lunch yet but i definitely have some turdcuttin to do this afternoon.

[nj meadowlands]

I'll be okay until after lunch... it'll be another road game for me though

[johnny green balls]

http://www.jetnation.com/JetsWiki/index.php/Turd

[nj meadowlands]

http://www.jetnation.com/JetsWiki/index.php/Turd

POTW, TOTW

:rl:

That is worded SO funny.

[SouthernJet]

http://www.jetnation.com/JetsWiki/index.php/Turd

nice

[johnny green balls]

feel free to expand it, my brethern. just keep it factual so it doesn't get deleted.

[johnny green balls]

i have crapped in public toilets from san diego to amsterdam, from the frozen ice floes of michigan to the hot sweaty swamps of southern florida. for the first time, here is the culmination of my vast experience playing away games far from your own crapper.

STEP ONE: SCOUTING

only a fool goes into enemy territory without gaining as much intelligence as possible. in order to do this, certain pieces of information are vital. first, check to see if other stalls are occupied. a gigantic mistake is taking a stall adjacent to another pooper when there are other options. always avoid adjacent dumping where possible. once you've chosen a likely stall, you must then check for essentials. is the stall clean? sure, it's never going to be as clean as home but is it acceptable? make sure the toilet seat is dry and clean and the toilet is flushed clean. never dump without a flushed bowl. is there a suitable amount of TP? always plan on a messy game, that way you won't find yourself 5 wipes in and out of paper. if you're wearing a jacket, is there a garmet hook? taking a dump with your suit jacket balled up on your lap is best avoided as wearing your jacket while dumping is a big mistake. it will act like a mudflap for all sorts of nastiness if you keep it on. lastly, unless you plan on hovering, make sure there is an "ass gasket"-- the paper barrier between your ass and contracting herpes. in a pinch, carefully arranged toilet paper can suffice. oh and larry david is correct; it is perfectly acceptable to use the handicapped stall if it is unoccupied. if you come out and find a handicapped person waiting, apologize and tell him the others were full when you came in.

EXPERT TIP: lay a few pieces of toilet paper into the bowl itself to completely cover the water, this will drastically cut down on 'splash backs.'

STEP TWO: WARM UP

everyone knows you can't just run a mile without stretching first or you will tear something. a successful away game requires warm up. in order to do this, make sure you take off any outerwear (i.e. sports coat, jacket, etc). there is nothing worse than finding a suprise on the tails of your suit jacket when you get home. second, if the toilet is an auto-flusher, you have to be very careful not to make it flush as you position yourself. many times, the most careful of nesting preparations have been destroyed by the auto-flush carrying away your precious seat barriers down the drain. once you get close to the toilet and the sensor thinks you're sitting you must commit. work quickly and sit down to avoid breaking the circuit. once you get comfortable, make sure none of your seat nesting is blocking the turd's escape from your arse. you don't want to be dealing with smeared ass gasket later that could get turd on the back of your thigh.

EXPERT TIP: make sure your pants and boxers are pulled at least to the knee to avoid them from touching the small gap at the front of the toilet seat and the dirtier bottom rim beneath.

STEP THREE: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL

you're in a public john, you goal should be three-up, three-down and get out of the inning as quickly as possible. there are no style points like at home. you need to focus on the task at hand. if reading helps, do it but if you're done with the deed don't stick around to read the end of the article, leave the tainted newspaper behind and get the hell out of there. don't let whatever is happening outside the stall distract you. focus on the task at hand. if someone occupies the stall next to you, don't let it get in your head. they are a jerk for taking the stall next to you but the difference between average crappers and great ones is the ability to fight through adversity. just get it out so you can get out.

EXPERT TIP: the true expert will make the adjacent stall less inviting to other potential poopers. before entering your chosen stall, try pouring a glass of water on the seat of the stall next to you or removing that stall's TP.

STEP FOUR: CLOSING

an average of 75% of the time spend in the bathroom is devoted to clean up. this is especially true when playing an away games because low quality toilet paper and nerves can cut down on wiping efficiency. the key to the away game cleanup is methodical folding of the paper, wiping and disposal of the paper. if the tail of the paper touches the ground when you are getting it off the roller, you must discard at least the bottom 6 inches. if you miss the bowl with a piece of used paper, let it go, it will only distract you from your escape mission. if the toilet is an autoflush, you don't have to worry about flushing your nesting, if not, use your foot to clean house for the next guy.

EXPERT TIP: fold, don't bunch the paper. the greater surface area will result in less wipes and less stinky fingers.

STEP FIVE: ESCAPE

if you're at a truly public place like a ball game you're in the clear. come out of the stall, make a "whew" face to the guy waiting for your stall and say "tough one" and share the bond of commraderie felt between poopers. if you're at a semi-public place, like work, things are a bit more tricky. first, avoid emerging when someone else is in the bathroom. this could create an uncomforable sink moment. if you do exit as someone else is coming in or another pooper emerges when you are washing your hands you must avoid all discussion of the stench filling the bathroom. if another pooper remains in a stall and a newcomer enters in, attempt to avoid "outing" yourself to the remaining pooper by engaging in coversation. attempt to acknowledge the newcomer with a nod or a short, quiet "hey" so that the remaining pooper is unable to deduce who just dropped the bomb next to him.

EXPERT TIP: if a talkative newcomer enters while your making your escape, fake a coughing fit to avoid conversation and "outing" yourself to the other poopers.

[BP]

i have crapped in public toilets from san diego to amsterdam, from the frozen ice floes of michigan to the hot sweaty swamps of southern florida. for the first time, here is the culmination of my vast experience playing away games far from your own crapper.

STEP ONE: SCOUTING

only a fool goes into enemy territory without gaining as much intelligence as possible. in order to do this, certain pieces of information are vital. first, check to see if other stalls are occupied. a gigantic mistake is taking a stall adjacent to another pooper when there are other options. always avoid adjacent dumping where possible. once you've chosen a likely stall, you must then check for essentials. is the stall clean? sure, it's never going to be as clean as home but is it acceptable? make sure the toilet seat is dry and clean and the toilet is flushed clean. never dump without a flushed bowl. is there a suitable amount of TP? always plan on a messy game, that way you won't find yourself 5 wipes in and out of paper. if you're wearing a jacket, is there a garmet hook? taking a dump with your suit jacket balled up is better avoided as wearing your jacket while dumping is a big mistake. it will act like a mudflap for all sorts of nastiness if you keep it on. lastly, unless you plan on hovering, make sure there is an "ass gasket"-- the paper barrier between your ass and contracting herpes. in a pinch, carefully arranged toilet paper can suffice. oh and larry david is correct; it is perfectly acceptable to use the handicapped stall if it is unoccupied. if you come out and find a handicapped person waiting, apologize and tell him the others were full when you came in.

EXPERT TIP: lay a few pieces of toilet paper into the bowl itself to completely cover the water, this will drastically cut down on 'splash backs.'

STEP TWO: WARM UP

everyone knows you can't just run a mile without stretching first or you will tear something. a successful away game requires warm up. in order to do this, make sure you take off any outerwear (i.e. sports coat, jacket, etc). there is nothing worse than finding a suprise on the tails of your suit jacket when you get home. second, if the toilet is an auto-flusher, you have to be very careful not to make it flush as you position yourself. many times, the most careful of nesting preparations have been destroyed by the auto-flush carrying away your precious seat barriers down the drain. once you get close to the toilet and the sensor thinks you're sitting you must commit. work quickly and sit down to avoid breaking the circuit. once you get comfortable, make sure none of your seat nesting is blocking the turd's escape from your arse. you don't want to be dealing with smeared ass gasket later that could get turd on your thigh.

EXPERT TIP: make sure your pants and boxers are pulled at least to the knee to avoid them from touching the small gap at the front of the toilet seat and the dirtier bottom rim beneath.

STEP THREE: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL

you're in a public john, you goal should be three-up, three-down and get out of the inning as quickly as possible. there are no style points like at home. you need to focus on the task at hand. if reading helps, do it but if you're done with the deed don't stick around to read the end of the article, leave the tainted newspaper behind and get the hell out of there. don't let whatever is happening outside the stall distract you. focus on the task at hand. if someone occupies the stall next to you, don't let it get in your head. they are a jerk for taking the stall next to you but the difference between average crappers and great ones is the ability to fight through adversity. just get it out so you can get out.

EXPERT TIP: the true expert will make the adjacent stall less inviting to other potential poopers. before entering your chosen stall, try pouring a glass of water on the seat of the stall next to you or removing that stall's TP.

STEP FOUR: CLOSING

an average of 75% of the time spend in the bathroom is devoted to clean up. this is especially true when playing an away games because low quality toilet paper and nerves can cut down on wiping efficiency. the key to the away game cleanup is methodical folding of the paper, wiping and disposal of the paper. if the tail of the paper toches the ground when you are getting it off the roller, you must discard at least the bottom 6 inches. if you miss the bowl with a piece of used paper, let it go, it will only distract you from your escape mission. if the toilet is an autoflush, you don't have to worry about flushing your nesting, if not, use your foot to clean house for the next guy.

EXPERT TIP: fold, don't bunch the paper. the greater surface area will result in less wipes and less stinky fingers.

STEP FIVE: ESCAPE

if you're at a truly public place like a ball game you're in the clear. come out of the stall, make a "whew" face to the guy waiting for your stall and say "tough one" and share the bond of commraderie felt between poopers. if you're at a semi-public place, like work, things are a bit more tricky. first, avoid emerging when someone else is in the bathroom. this could create an uncomforable sink moment. if you do exit as someone else is coming in or another pooper emerges when you are washing your hands you must avoid all discussion of the stench filling the bathroom. if another pooper remains in a stall and a newcomer enters in, attempt to avoid "outing" yourself to the remaining pooper by engaging in coversation. attempt to acknowledge the newcomer with a nod or a short, quiet "hey" so that the remaining pooper is unable to deduce who just dropped the bomb next to him.

EXPERT TIP: if you exit the stall and another pooper remains in a different stall and a talkative newcomer enters, fake a coughing fit to avoid conversation and "outing" yourself to the other pooper.

I'll give this an SJesque POTW nominee!

[Lil Bit Special]

I just sh!t on the floor and use the sink as a bidet.

[johnny green balls]

I just sh!t on the floor and use the sink as a bidet.

POTW / TOTW nom

(i think we have some comp SJ)

[nj meadowlands]

That was an incredible post... hahahahaha.. POTW by far

A few thoughts I have

1: the autoflush at work sometimes throws me off during the closing process because it activates while i'm cleaning up.

2: although i play a lot of away games, i like to do so when NO ONE else is in the bathroom. i have a serious case of stage fright when it comes to above process.

[johnny green balls]

That was an incredible post... hahahahaha.. POTW by far

A few thoughts I have

1: the autoflush at work sometimes throws me off during the closing process because it activates while i'm cleaning up.

2: although i play a lot of away games, i like to do so when NO ONE else is in the bathroom. i have a serious case of stage fright when it comes to above process.

you were the inspiration for this post, my friend.

[BP]

And all of a sudden I felt like I was being moved to North Carolina.

[Panzer Division Marduk]

I'm amazed this thread hasn't been flushed into the other thread yet.

[johnny green balls]

I'm amazed this thread hasn't been flushed into the other thread yet.

good call!

And all of a sudden I felt like I was being moved to North Carolina.

cue banjo!

[johnny green balls]

so here it is, a big fat stinker of a turd to brighten your wretched lives. grab your ankles and bite down on a strap of leather cause here comes a doozy!! (come on mods, please don't merge into the Turd Thread...)

I was, it was just not in your direction.

It still takes all of my energy not to go at it with you on every "turd" thread.

Restraint.

BZ

actually on that point, I have been approached to host a Turd of The Week thread

TOTW nomination

BZ winning so far

ah the classics. here it is folks, JN's first TOTW nomination from all the way back in May, 2006. if i was a nostalgic man this would win; but I'm not so it won't. PS: BZ, how much energy does it usually take to "go at it with a turd?" does it depend on what you ate the night before?

Here ya go...

now we come to the first TOTW nom of the modern age. yessir, this moist dollup is still warm to the touch it's so fresh. i just can't let a picture win the first TOTW nom even though it reminds this verdant testicled man of a certain prize fight between the sunmaid raisin gal and hisself one foggy night...

Jetcane obviously doesn't need to worry about competition when training camp rolls around.

ha ha i agree

jetcane should of been there with me

but come on i had no roster and i was in the bushes

this guy freak anyone else out? i hope there were some nice leaves on that bush to wipe with once you finished your bidness back there. sidenote, i hear 3 or 4 of the jets players are now looking for a good lawyer with restraining order experience, coincidence??

TURD THREAD GOES BIG TIME

June 14, 2007

In a press release today, The Turd Thread announced that it will be insistuting a counterpart to the "Post of the Week." Every other week or so, the Turd Thread will announce the "Turds of the Week" nominated as "TOTW" by other Jet Nation posters. TOTW nominations should be reserved for those trully stinky posts that exemplify horrendous posting. Each winner will have the dudious honor of using Boss Turd himself in their signature. Sh!tty luck everyone!

POTW NOM or TOTW NOM i'm not sure ,but johnny is on a Sh1t streak .

thanks Mike! "sh!t" and "streaks" sure do go together!

jbf should win just for being a douche

personal attacks get you a TOTW nom.

i would never, ever condone personal attacks. who you calling a liar, dickhead??

Vince Macmahon's limo was blown up by a deadly raisin colon blast by JGB.

the kid may have a point. it was in philly...

In true JN spirit I present the first JetNation Homo/Turd combo joke:

Q: What's the difference between a Gay JN Mod and a refrigerator?

A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

haaha, nice. you almost one. you were sooo close. the only reason you didn't was because "gay" and "JN mod" are redundant.

ahhhh now dont be a poopy head... ya know i am kidding, you are a very handsome man for your age

greengal loves SJ, greengal looooooooovvvvessss SJ! maybe you two could settle down and i could have soem new stepturds to play with.

Why did Tiger stick his head in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

what a good sport, that max. you probably deserve to win given that you've put up with the Turd Thread for so long but something tells me you wouldn't consider it much of an "honor"...

He's big, he's greasy, and no DT's want to touch him. he can also be had for a pound of raisins and corn each week.

am i the only one who is afraid this guy will "puff up and turd out" once we sign him?

[johnny green balls]

It was soft to medium consistency,oily and very smelly. he also didn't wipe very well but we all know how hard it is to get in there and get 3 good wipes when you're a man on the Go ,such as Sooth.

Stay tuned for a follow up.

the first post of the turd thread.

In 3 days the score will be tied.

in 3 days you will have your period!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes i just laughed at a personal attack but in my defense, not all personal attacks were created equal!

Kashi waffles with fresh blueberries and OJ, m'dear. Carb enough, Garb?

Yes, although I fear that the possible loss of conciousness will be due to your upcoming, frequent trips to the bathroom, rather than the dreaded four h's.

JGB in ...1....2.....3......

"dreaded four h's"? Hernias, Hemroids, Herpes and Hepatitis??

You played OLine for the Jets? The Road Grader is that you?

What is Dave Caddigan like? Seems like a nice guy but I always wondered.

No. I played in high school so I know something about the position.

hahahahahahaha, madmike what were you thinkin with this post? i ate a hot dog once but you don't see my lining up to challenge kobyashi! (although i hear he's injured, maybe i SHOULD challenge him!)

EPISODE ONE

Thomas Gets Tricked

Thomas is a passenger train who works on the Northeast Corridor Line, shuttling commuters between New York City and Trenton. One day, in the Trenton station, Thomas sees two passengers quarreling. It appears to be a Trenton man and a woman from the city. The man wants her purse bad. He runs away with it, and Thomas speeds up to catch him. After a long chase, the man runs to Centre Street, commonly referred to by the police as "Cocaine Avenue." The Fat Controller tells Thomas to stop immediately and turn around. It isn't worth going into that area for one purse. Thomas goes back to the city, his head hung low. "Guess it should be, 'The World Makes, Trenton Takes,'" thinks Thomas.

so horrendous i couldn't bear to post the whole thing. go here if you hate yourself.

Two turds walk into a gay bar. You would think that once the first turd walked into it, the 2nd turd would have walked around it. Damn turds.

This turd is f;ing a dead alligator. Oh wait, nevermind.

for someone who hates turds max sure has a lot of TOTW posts. i'm just saying...

I say ban garb, sj and jgb in one fell swoop.

TOTW

et tu, arsis?

i was hurt. i cried. i got over it.

TOPIC: the classic threads thread

http://www.jetnation.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15978

i love you, man! now hold my hand while i push this one out.

Huh? I've made jokes. Bad jokes. Good jokes. Gross jokes. Stupid jokes Never a tasteless one. If you need a fix, go see the turd thread.

why u crappin on turd thread, ,what did i ever do to u

the nomination: "TOTW for dishonoring a thread of the year nominee." hey, a fella can dream that a turd he nutured ever since it was a wee dingle can grow to make something of itself, can't he?

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=a88_1182467920

and mrs. jgb had me convinced the way to escape a fart was to purge the house of raisins.

i have crapped in public toilets from san diego to amsterdam, from the frozen ice floes of michigan to the hot sweaty swamps of southern florida. for the first time, here is the culmination of my vast experience playing away games far from your own crapper.

STEP ONE: SCOUTING

only a fool goes into enemy territory without gaining as much intelligence as possible. in order to do this, certain pieces of information are vital. first, check to see if other stalls are occupied. a gigantic mistake is taking a stall adjacent to another pooper when there are other options. always avoid adjacent dumping where possible. once you've chosen a likely stall, you must then check for essentials. is the stall clean? sure, it's never going to be as clean as home but is it acceptable? make sure the toilet seat is dry and clean and the toilet is flushed clean. never dump without a flushed bowl. is there a suitable amount of TP? always plan on a messy game, that way you won't find yourself 5 wipes in and out of paper. if you're wearing a jacket, is there a garmet hook? taking a dump with your suit jacket balled up on your lap is best avoided as wearing your jacket while dumping is a big mistake. it will act like a mudflap for all sorts of nastiness if you keep it on. lastly, unless you plan on hovering, make sure there is an "ass gasket"-- the paper barrier between your ass and contracting herpes. in a pinch, carefully arranged toilet paper can suffice. oh and larry david is correct; it is perfectly acceptable to use the handicapped stall if it is unoccupied. if you come out and find a handicapped person waiting, apologize and tell him the others were full when you came in.

EXPERT TIP: lay a few pieces of toilet paper into the bowl itself to completely cover the water, this will drastically cut down on 'splash backs.'

STEP TWO: WARM UP

everyone knows you can't just run a mile without stretching first or you will tear something. a successful away game requires warm up. in order to do this, make sure you take off any outerwear (i.e. sports coat, jacket, etc). there is nothing worse than finding a suprise on the tails of your suit jacket when you get home. second, if the toilet is an auto-flusher, you have to be very careful not to make it flush as you position yourself. many times, the most careful of nesting preparations have been destroyed by the auto-flush carrying away your precious seat barriers down the drain. once you get close to the toilet and the sensor thinks you're sitting you must commit. work quickly and sit down to avoid breaking the circuit. once you get comfortable, make sure none of your seat nesting is blocking the turd's escape from your arse. you don't want to be dealing with smeared ass gasket later that could get turd on the back of your thigh.

EXPERT TIP: make sure your pants and boxers are pulled at least to the knee to avoid them from touching the small gap at the front of the toilet seat and the dirtier bottom rim beneath.

STEP THREE: KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL

you're in a public john, you goal should be three-up, three-down and get out of the inning as quickly as possible. there are no style points like at home. you need to focus on the task at hand. if reading helps, do it but if you're done with the deed don't stick around to read the end of the article, leave the tainted newspaper behind and get the hell out of there. don't let whatever is happening outside the stall distract you. focus on the task at hand. if someone occupies the stall next to you, don't let it get in your head. they are a jerk for taking the stall next to you but the difference between average crappers and great ones is the ability to fight through adversity. just get it out so you can get out.

EXPERT TIP: the true expert will make the adjacent stall less inviting to other potential poopers. before entering your chosen stall, try pouring a glass of water on the seat of the stall next to you or removing that stall's TP.

STEP FOUR: CLOSING

an average of 75% of the time spend in the bathroom is devoted to clean up. this is especially true when playing an away games because low quality toilet paper and nerves can cut down on wiping efficiency. the key to the away game cleanup is methodical folding of the paper, wiping and disposal of the paper. if the tail of the paper touches the ground when you are getting it off the roller, you must discard at least the bottom 6 inches. if you miss the bowl with a piece of used paper, let it go, it will only distract you from your escape mission. if the toilet is an autoflush, you don't have to worry about flushing your nesting, if not, use your foot to clean house for the next guy.

EXPERT TIP: fold, don't bunch the paper. the greater surface area will result in less wipes and less stinky fingers.

STEP FIVE: ESCAPE

if you're at a truly public place like a ball game you're in the clear. come out of the stall, make a "whew" face to the guy waiting for your stall and say "tough one" and share the bond of commraderie felt between poopers. if you're at a semi-public place, like work, things are a bit more tricky. first, avoid emerging when someone else is in the bathroom. this could create an uncomforable sink moment. if you do exit as someone else is coming in or another pooper emerges when you are washing your hands you must avoid all discussion of the stench filling the bathroom. if another pooper remains in a stall and a newcomer enters in, attempt to avoid "outing" yourself to the remaining pooper by engaging in coversation. attempt to acknowledge the newcomer with a nod or a short, quiet "hey" so that the remaining pooper is unable to deduce who just dropped the bomb next to him.

EXPERT TIP: if a talkative newcomer enters while your making your escape, fake a coughing fit to avoid conversation and "outing" yourself to the other poopers.

you ever tell a joke that you thought was hilarious and no one else laughed? F them, they don't know what they're talking about! this was solid gold baby, solid! (thanks for the nom BP)

I just sh!t on the floor and use the sink as a bidet.

now THIS is what the Turd Thread is all about! one question, how do you get your scuzz hole UNDERNEATH the water stream or do you just rinse of the 'roids?

happy birthday ,,have a great day,,you are not worthless

we love you alkturd!

[johnny green balls]

THE "DINGLEBERRY OF THE WEEK" (aka. Runner Up) GOES TO GARB!

Here, kitty, kitty.

LOL!

You are such a Lawyer sometimes. You HAD to have gone to a highly competitive school. You just ooz manure....hence, the turd obsession.

you know where i went.

No clue. Skidmore?

this was actually pretty funny. usually people call me 'skidmore' because of the condition of my underwear but never for where i went to school. kudos, garb. ya got me.

AND THE FIRST EVER TURD OF THE WEEK GOES TO................. BARTON!

I hope he (Chad) doesnt finish the season as the starter. I am not going to wish harm on him, but if a bird should fall from the sky, land on his shoulder and tear his rotator cuff....then so be it!

thanks buddy, you took all the suspense out of this week's awards by being a turd-dooshie. congrats buddy! wear the boss turd with pride this week!

ok folks, i'm out of time and toilet paper so i'm shoving off for this week for my brother's bachelor party. keep those nominations coming!

[nj meadowlands]

This should be its own thread.

[Maxman]

This should be its own thread.

Yeah I was wondering the same thing. Weird that it is in with this other stuff. But the TurdMaster General has spoken. So we will just check this thread for updates apparently, lol.

[Garb]

THE "DINGLEBERRY OF THE WEEK" (aka. Runner Up) GOES TO GARB!

this was actually pretty funny. usually people call me 'skidmore' because of the condition of my underwear but never for where i went to school. kudos, garb. ya got me.

I am sooooo ashamed. This is a real low point in my internet existence.

[johnny green balls]

I am sooooo ashamed. This is a real low point in my internet existence.

not from the stories joebaby told me lolSC

[SouthernJet]

Congrats to Garb and Barton for fine turdish repartee.

[johnny green balls]

T OTW is now a 4 letter word! man, they are trying everything to choke us out!

looks like the inagural turd of the week awards is the last... meaning barton is the perpetual champ and garb is the perpetual dingleberry

[Alk]

T OTW is now a 4 letter word! man, they are trying everything to choke us out!

looks like the inagural turd of the week awards is the last... meaning barton is the perpetual champ and garb is the perpetual dingleberry

Hey, it's kind of like *********.com over at JI.

[SouthernJet]

T OTW is now a 4 letter word! man, they are trying everything to choke us out!

looks like the inagural turd of the week awards is the last... meaning barton is the perpetual champ and garb is the perpetual dingleberry

Hey, it's kind of like *********.com over at JI.

hahahaha

POTW and T OTW nominees...

Well one thing for sure,,we know that fag, homo, anal ramming, rectum diving etc will all be allowed forever at JN

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

"Did I waste that $55 ?"

[Maxman]

Pretty sure he was upset that he had such a nice body but was stuck with bronze balls.

[BP]

How many NC turd threads can fit into a Vbulletin message board, the world will never know.

[Lil Bit Special]

So there I was yesterday... driving between 2 work locations and enjoying a bag of beef jerky. Half hour ride. No rest areas. No restaurants nearby. The first few bites tasted delicious. The next few were good but not as satisfying.

Then I began to feel it. Something just didnt seem right in my stomach. Knowing I wasnt close to home, I knew to not try and sneak out a little gas... just in case. I stopped eating. My stomach settled down and I decided I had to have more beef jerky since this would probably be my last meal of the day since I was going to be working late.

20 minutes left.

By this point I knew there was going to be trouble. I repositioned myself on my seat to avoid any accidental leakage if it came to that point. My stomach began to growl like a thunderstorm rolling in. I knew I had to watch my speed because there are lots of cops on this road. I hoped for the best.

15 minutes left.

My colon decided it was time to start percolating... Yep... my insides felt like they were liquifying... My body decided it was time to start making some trouser chili.

10 minutes

I knew I was in trouble and was going to have..... EAS. EAS??? Yeah. Exploding Ass Syndrome. When every ounce of liquid comes exploding out of your ass and you have major splash-back. I began to sweat profusely, and hope for the best.

5 minutes

Now it feels like contractions... there is pain and then it dissipates. Then 30 seconds later there it is again. Only Im not having a baby, my body is preparing to drop the kids off at the pool.

Arrival:

I made it. No "accidents" I clench my cheeks together and make the long walk across the parking lot. I left all my work stuff in the car and went straight for the front door.

I walked past everyone there just giving a little wave and a Hi. I start unbuckling, and then JGB comes to mind. I wipe off the seat... look for plenty of toilet paper and bend over just in time for the green apple splatters to come firing out of my back side mere milliseconds before my fleshy posterior hit the seat. WIth that someone comes walking in and they get to hear my foghorn from the stall. I cant help it and burst out laughing. Then the chili pours out again... then more gas... now the guy leaves without flushing or washing his hands (probably couldnt breathe) and someone else walks in.

This goes on for another 10 minutes with my EAS and me laughing the entire time thinking about the turd thread. Sure I lost a lot of fluid and I needed 2 vitamin waters to put fluids back in me, but I felt much better afterwards.

Maybe I should have just sh!t on the floor... and they had those long U faucets that I could have bent and used to clean out the exit door of my body.

The only thing I did wrong was not giving a courtesy flush. But then again, screw em

[Lil Bit Special]

He forgot to follow JGB's advice and bring reading material and check for TP. Now he is in deep trouble with no way to wipe.

Either that

or

"where did I leave my car last night... I was sooo drunk and that girl was such a skank!!!"

or

"I wonder where the satellite lots will be for Jets games"

or

"I cant belive Max banned me... I thought I was unbannable"

[MasonJet]

Did the Dolphins really select Ted Ginn with the 9th overall pick?