Funnies thread, ,anything funny,,anything

[Bruce Banner]

[SouthernJet]

Courtesy of Mad Men

“One hillbilly says to the other, ‘You wanna play 20 Questions?’ The other hillbilly says ‘What is that?’ and he says, ‘I write somethin on a piece of paper, and you git 20 questions to guess what it be.’ So he takes out a piece of paper and writes ‘donkey dick’ on it. The other hillbilly takes a second to think and asks, ‘Can ah eat it?’ and the other hillbilly says ‘Ah reckon ya could!’ And the other one says, ‘Is it donkey dick?’”

[SouthernJet]

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large

Raging, Violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim

Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he

Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools

And the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one

Hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

[Bruce Banner]

[SouthernJet]

You can almost hear him say these words;

-"You want me to do what?"

The look on this dog's face is priceless...

[Bruce Banner]

You can almost hear him say these words;

-"You want me to do what?"

The look on this dog's face is priceless...

I put that image into reverse image lookup search engine tineye.com and eventually found out its from an ad for dog food.

[slowmoe57]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

So, the customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?' If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did

you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

[SenorGato]

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large

Raging, Violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim

Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'

Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he

Was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

'God, please give me the strength, the tools

And the intelligence to cross the river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one

Hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

Ugh...that's not funny...that's feminist.

Q:Why does every man need a woman?

A:Because the dishes would get to piled up without one.

[JerryK]

It's the 60's. A guy is racing along the California oceanfront. The top is down, and he's going around the curves of the shoreline's bluffs.

In the distance, a carload of women are coming...all pointing at him and shouting PIG! PIG! PIG!

So he leans out as they pass and shouts back at them.. Bi**hes! Bi**hes!

Then he rounds the next curve and runs over a pig.

[SenorGato]

It's the 60's. A guy is racing along the California oceanfront. The top is down, and he's going around the curves of the shoreline's bluffs.

In the distance, a carload of women are coming...all pointing at him and shouting PIG! PIG! PIG!

So he leans out as they pass and shouts back at them.. Bi**hes! Bi**hes!

Then he rounds the next curve and runs over a pig.

Comedy gold. I kind of want to put this joke in a script.

[JerryK]

This is probably old news, but I just saw it...

Never drink and wear flip-flops.

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

[SouthernJet]

Some classic Bette Midler gems:

I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph",(he always called me Soph),he said to me "Soph, these woods sure are dark I sure wish I had a flash light", I said to him "so do I Ernie. You have been munching grass for the last ten minutes."

I will never forget it. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday and in honor of the occasion he married a twenty year old girl. And he rang me up the very next day and he said to me "Soph, Soph, I have just married myself a twenty year old girl, what do you think of that". And I said to him "Ernie when I am eighty years old I shall marry myself a twenty year old boy, and let me tell you something Ernie twenty goes into eighty a hell of a lot more than eighty goes into twenty."

I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me "Soph, you got no boobs and a tight box". I said to him "Ernie get off my back."

I Will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie he began combing his hair there was a great shower of dandruff all about the bed. I said to him "Ernie what's that?" he said to me "Soph those are the snows of Kilamanjaro". He leaped from the bed he ran to the loo I could hear him through the door relieving himself violently (swish, swish, swish, swish) I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the rains of Ronjapoor". He leaped from the bed, he ran back to bed, no he leaped from the loo he ran back to the bed, he leaped from the bed, he ran out the window, that's not right either, a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone imagine that, he ran back from the loo, what happened then ah yes of course I hit a blank spot. On his way back from the loo he had dare I say an attack of flatulates, how could I forget that. He had an attack of flatulates (pbbt) the cheese was cut. I said to him "Ernie what the hell is that?" he said to me "Soph those are the winds of Crackatoa." That was enough for me I jumped into my clothes I was out the door like a like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road. "Where are you going? What's wrong?" I said who can screw in this weather."

I will never forget it you know. Doorbell rang the other day I answered the door there was a delivery boy there, a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card and I opened it it said love, from your boyfriend Ernie. I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine at the time I said "Clementine do you know what this means. For the next two weeks I'm going to be flat on my back with my legs wide open". "Clementine says to me what's the matter with you ain't you got a vas."

I will never forget it you know. Yet another cutting the cheese joke. Listen to how I make it my own. I will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon with my boyfriend Ernie we were on the Silvercheif we had a car all to ourselves when suddenly I cut the cheese. Ernie said "Oh my God, Soph is that you", "did you just fart", I said of course I did you think I always smell like this."

I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. Used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear. One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me "Soph you've got to go see the doctor I said alright, make an appointment for me." So he rang up the doctor but unbeknownst to me this is what he told the doctor. "Doc I'm sending Soph over, she got a terrible cold but that's not the problem, the problem is she don't wear no underwear, tell her she got this cold on the count of she don't wear no underwear you got that." "Right o" says the doctor so I like a Schmuck trot on down to the doctor's office the doctor said "Soph open your mouth and say Ah" I open my mouth I said "Ah" he looked down my throat he said "Soph, you ain't wearin no underwear", I said "I beg your pardon doctor?" he said to me "Soph you ain't wearin no underwear" I said "doctor you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearin no underwear" he said "that's right Soph" I said "doc do me a favor, look up my a$ and tell me if my hat's on straight."

[SouthernJet]