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Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices

Cameron Hormel.....George Clooney

Applicant.....Mark McKinney

Real Foreman.....Kevin Nealon

Applicant: Uh, hi. I came about the job for the railroad. I'm sorry I'm late

Cameron Hormel: Well, that's okay. I just if we hire you, you won't be late for work!

Applicant: [ laughs politely ]

Cameron Hormel: I've been looking over your application, and everything seems to be in order. I just have a few questions for you.

Applicant: Okay.

Cameron Hormel: Okay. Have you driven a train?

Applicant: Uh.. no, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Do you think you could get in a train locomotive and just by, moving the switches and levers at random, make the train move down the track.

Applicant: [ thinks about it ] Yes, sir.. I believe I could.

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. At a high rate of speed?

Applicant: I'd certainly give it a try, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And then do you think that you could stop the train, again just by moving the levers at random?

Applicant: I believe so.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to strike things that are on the track, like cars?

Applicant: That is no problem, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And after you stop the train, would you be willing to tell people you took the train without anybody's permission?

Applicant: Yes, sir.

Cameron Hormel: And start a fight?

Applicant: Uh.. with who?

Cameron Hormel: Anybody qho might be there.

Applicant: Uh.. sure. I think I could handle that.

Cameron Hormel: Do you think that you could drive a train over a cliff and live?

Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir. I think I could.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to relocate to the midwest?

Applicant: Oh, I love the midwest!

Cameron Hormel: Would you just go somewhere we told you, and wait there until we contacted you again?

Applicant: Well.. that is no problem, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Even if you didn't hear from us for years?

Applicant: If that's what the job called for.

Cameron Hormel: Do you smoke?

Applicant: No.

Cameron Hormel: Would you?

Applicant: Uh.. sure.. I could do that.

Cameron Hormel: Would you smoke a lot?

Applicant: Uh.. as much as you need, sir..

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. Can you operate a crane?

Applicant: no, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Well, that's good! Because we don't want anybody swinging those cranes around! [ pauses ] Do you have any gumballs or hard candies?

Applicant: I have a Jawbreaker.

Cameron Hormel: Could I have it?

Applicant: Uh.. sure!

Cameron Hormel: Do you ever have one of those days, where you just wake up and you think, "What am I doing on this planet?"

Applicant: Uh.. yes, sir.. many times!

Cameron Hormel: And then you think, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna go down to the railroad yard and kill my boss!"

Applicant: [ laughs ] Sure do! Uh.. wait.. no?

Cameron Hormel: No?

Applicant: No.

Cameron Hormel: No's good. Would you be willing to change your religion?

Applicant: Beg pardon?

Cameron Hormel: You're a Christian, aren't you?

Applicant: Yes, sir.

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to publicly renounce Jesus Christ as your Savior?

Applicant: Uh.. gee.. I don't know..

Cameron Hormel: Quickly.

Applicant: Yes! Yes, I could, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Are you familiar with ants?

Applicant: I've seen 'em in the movies!

Cameron Hormel: Would you be willing to let ants bite you?

Applicant: Yep! Yep, I think I could do that!

Cameron Hormel: Mmm-hmm. So, how many ants would you let bite you?

Applicant: [ thinking ] As many as it takes, sir!

Cameron Hormel: Well, alright. I think everything's pretty good here..

[ the Real Foreman enters the office, appalled by the discovery of the stranger in his office ]

Real Foreman: Hey! What are you doing in here? [ Cameron Hormel shoves everything off of the desk, then quickly runs out of a back entrance ] Hey, hey! Hey!

Announcer: This has been "Tales of Fraud and Malfeasance in Railroad Hiring Practices". Brought to you by Granny's Tomato Sauce - other sauces are thin and watery, and should go to hell; and by Screw You Pal Tires - if you can find a better pair of tires, screw you, pal.

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Get A Life!

Ears.....Jon Lovitz

Charlie.....Dana Carvey

Artie.....Kevin Nealon

Emcee.....Phil Hartman

.....William Shatner

Second Emcee.....A. Whitney Brown

line.jpg

[ open on an exterior shot of the "Holiday Inn" with a sign reading "Welcome Trekkers." ]

[ dissolve inside ]

[ A sign on the wall reads "16th Annual Star Trek Convention -- 1986" ]

Ears: Charlie! Check this out!

Charlie: [ wearing "I Grok Spock" t-shirt ] Oh, outstanding, man!

Ears: Original cast photo, right before they added Chekhov!

Charlie: Oh, how much was it?

Ears: Sixty dollars!

Charlie: Ohhh.... They got any left?

Loudspeaker: Attention Trekkers, now available in the Hamilton Room... copies of DeForest Kelley's single record, "He's Dead, Jim." Right now, in the Hamilton Room.

Artie: [ making the Vulcan "peace sign" ] Hey guys!

Charlie & Ears: Hey Artie!

Artie: How you guys doing on the trivia quiz?

Charlie: Aw, since you... hey, you got Khan's middle name?

Artie: [ smugly ] Noonian!

Charlie: Yeoman Rand's cabin number?

Artie: Y3-90!

[ Charlie and Ears snicker knowingly to each other. ]

Artie: What? Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

[ more snickers ]

Emcee: Attention! Attention! Hello everybody! Welcome to Day 4 of the 16th Annual Star Trek Convention... Well! ...here in Rye, New York. A few announcements.... Ah... first... ah... a wonderful new... ah... item has just been added to the convention. It's a program from the 1975 convention!

Trekkies: Oooo! Ahhh!

Emcee: Yeah! It's a very special item, I'm sure you'll enjoy it, and it's ONLY... thirty dollars.

Secondly, we have some exciting guests at the convention today, so let me introduce them to you right now. First, we have the lovely actress Julie Cobb. Now you all remember her as Yeoman Leslie Thompson from the first ten minutes of Episode 51, "Errand of Mercy"... in which she was transformed into a cube... and crushed!

And next up is Pamela Denberg Doohan, the ex-wife of course of James "Scotty" Doohan, and ah... I understand life with the Enterprise's Chief Mechanical Officer *was* somewhat turbulent... kinda like living with a MUGATU!

Trekkies: [ geekie laughter ]

Emcee: Yeah! Well you'll all be able to meet Pamela in the Briar Wing where she'll be signing copies of her new book, "Beam Me Out Of Here"!

And finally, the man you've all been waiting for, this is his first Star Trek convention in quite a long time, I know he's thrilled to be here, Captain James Tiberius Kirk himself, WILLIAM SHATNER! [ Shatner walks to the podium. ] Now Bill's here to field a few questions so just fire away!

Trekkies: Mr. Shatner! Mr. Shatner!

William Shatner: Alright, the first question, uh, go ahead! Charlie: Yeah! Okay, um, when you were gonna beam down to the planet, okay, for the last time in Episode 25? I was wondering, like um, w-w-what was going on with the crew in that particular....

William Shatner: Uh... Episode 25?

Charlie: Yeah!

William Shatner: Um... you gotta give me a PLOT, see, cause it's 20 years and it's a long time... a PLOT... uh....

Charlie: Yeah, Episode 25, that's where you and the crew of the Enterprise get attacked by these spores? And started acting real weird, like hippies and stuff?

William Shatner: [ smiling ] Oh oh, yeah right, I remember, okay uh... what's the question?

Charlie: Well um, I was wondering if you could settle a bet for me and my friends, okay? Um, like, when you... um, left your quarters for the last time? And you opened up your safe? Um... what was the combination?

William Shatner: [ lengthy pause, incredulous expression ] I-I-I don't know! I mean, it's been a long time! I, uh... I don't know that! Uh, okay?

Charlie: [ disappointed ] Okay! Okay!

William Shatner: Anybody? Oh, all right, go ahead! You? Go ahead! You in the funny shirt!

Artie: [ wearing Kirk uniform ] Okay! Another bet... okay... on your horse farm... alright? How many saddle-bred horses do you have?

William Shatner: Uh... 34.

Artie: Wait, wait... is that including the colt that was born earlier this week?

William Shatner: [ stunned pause ] That mare had a foal?

Artie: Tuesday!

William Shatner: Well I... guess it's 35 then!

Artie: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! [ congratulated by his friends ]

William Shatner: You know, before I answer any more questions there's something I wanted to say. Having received all your letters over the years, and I've spoken to many of you, and some of you have traveled... y'know... hundreds of miles to be here, I'd just like to say... GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it's just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you're dressed! You've turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!

[ a crowd of shocked and dismayed Trekkies.... ]

I mean, how old are you people? What have you done with yourselves?

[ to "Ears" ] You, you must be almost 30... have you ever kissed a girl?

[ "Ears" hangs his head ]

I didn't think so! There's a whole world out there! When I was your age, I didn't watch television! I LIVED! So... move out of your parent's basements! And get your own apartments and GROW THE HELL UP! I mean, it's just a TV show dammit, IT'S JUST A TV SHOW!

Charlie: Are- are you saying then that we should pay more attention to the movies?

William Shatner: NO!!! THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING AT ALL!!! HEY, YOU GUYS ARE... THE LAMEST BUNCH... I'VE NEVER SEEN... [ walks away from podium ] I can't believe these people... I mean, I really can't understand what's....

[ Emcee argues with Shatner off-mike, shoves him, Shatner shoves back harder.... ]

Second Emcee: Uh... that was William Shatner, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, I'd like to remind you Trekkers that we have some fine refreshments from all over the galaxy... Coke, Diet Coke, Bubble Up, Orange, I believe. We....

[ Meanwhile, Emcee waves the contract in front of Shatner, who then reluctantly returns to the podium.... ]

William Shatner: Of course, that speech was a "re-creation" of the "Evil Captain Kirk" from um... Episode, um... [ Emcee whispers ] THIRTY-SEVEN... uhh... called... [ another whisper ] "The Enemy Within."

[ Trekkies get happy, applaud ]

William Shatner: Yuh, Yuh, so thank you... and, and... Live Long and Prosper...

[ Trekkies make Vulcan "peace sign".... ]

William Shatner: So everybody... set your phasers on stun, cause... THIS CONVENTION'S AHEAD WARP FACTOR NINE, Y'KNOW? RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! WARP FACTOR NINE!

[ fade out ]

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Star Trek V: The Restaurant Enterprise

Captain Kirk.....William Shatner

Mister Spock.....Kevin Nealon

Doctor "Bones" McCoy.....Phil Hartman

Mister Sulu.....Akira Yoshimura

Khan and the Voice of Scottie.....Dana Carvey

The Health Inspector.....Jon Lovitz

Cranky Customer.....Nora Dunn

Crewwoman/Waitress.....Victoria Jackson

line.jpg[scene opens on the exterior of the ship, which is revolving on a pole. At the top of the pole is a sign that reads "Restaurant Enterprise. Today: Bluefish Special".

Voiceover by Kirk: It has been six months since the Enterprise has been sold to Marriott Corporation as a revolving theme restaurant. It has been difficult for my crew but they have adjusted admirably.

[Kirk enters a futuristic-looking restaurant looking out over space. Walks over to Spock and McCoy.]

Kirk: Gentlemen, what's going on? I left specific instructions that the special today was to be flounder.

Spock: Captain, we ran out of the flouder two hours ago.

Kirk: Then what have you been serving?

Spock: Bluefish.

Kirk: Bluefish?

Spock: [Pause.] Humpback whale, Captain.

[Half the audience laughs, the other half groans. Star Trek IV, the movie where they saved the whales, had just opened.]

McCoy: It's good fish Jim, really.

Crewwoman/Waitress: Captain, we're having a problem with one of the customers over here. She's complaining about her order.

Kirk: Don't worry. I'll care of it.

[Theme music for imminent danger starts playing.]

McCoy: JIM! BE CAREFUL!

[Kirk walks cautiously over to the Cranky Customer.]

Kirk: Good evening madam. I am the manager of this establishment. How can I help you?

Cranky Customer: I thought we were supposed to get fries with this.

Kirk: No ma'am, that's a Klingon. You want a Romulan.

Cranky Customer: Well, you must have changed the name.

Crewwoman/Waitress: We didn't change the name, ma'am...

Kirk: I'll take care this for you. [Flips open his communicator.] Romulan with fries and...what would you like to drink, madam?

Cranky Customer: A Chocolate Scottie.

Kirk: And a ChocScot.

[Tray with the order materializes nearby. Kirk gives it to the woman and then walks back to the others.]

McCoy: [Dramatically.] That was a close one, Jim!

[Kirk walks around the dining area asking customers how they're doing. One man starts to answer, but begins choking on his food.]

Kirk: McCoy! This man needs your assistance!

McCoy: For God's sake, I'm a doctor, not a...oh...right...sorry. [Rushes over and tries giving him the Heimlich Manoeuver, but it doesn't seem to be working.]

Spock: Allow me, doctor. [Gives the Vulcan nerve pinch to the customer, who proceeds to spit out the piece of food.]

[Audience cheers.]

[Another customer flags Kirk down and points to her sandwich.]

Kirk: Bones, can you take a look at this?

McCoy: [Whirring sound and he waves his medical device over the sandwich.] Jim! This sandwich is completely dry!

Kirk: [Aghast.] What happened to the Special Sauce? [Looks around.] Mister Sulu!

Sulu: Captain! It's the condiments bar. There's a problem with the Special Sauce. The dispenser is jammed. It will take days to repair.

Kirk: [Appears deep in thought for a moment.] Okay...here's what I want you to do. Mix a little mustard together with a little relish.

Sulu: [starts pumping the dispensers.] It's working Captain!

Kirk: Keep at it, Mister Sulu...I want full relish!

[suddenly realizes that Sulu is not as thin as he used to be. Pats his gut.]

Kirk: Mister Sulu, we've put on a bit of weight, haven't we?

Sulu: [Hanging his head shamefully.] Yes, Captain.

Kirk: Don't make me regret my policy of free food for the crew.

[A crashing sound is heard. Everyone fakes falling by leaning from side to side and then running back and forth across the stage.]

Kirk: [Flipping open his communicator.] Scottie, why have we stopped revolving?

Scottie: [Voice from offstage.] I doan't knooow Cap'n, but she canna take much moooorrrrrrr...

Spock: Captain, my tricorder indicates that someone is coming this way.

[Door slides open and a figure strides through to face the captain.]

Khan: Kiiiirrrrrkkkkk. I have waited for my revenge for twenty-five yeeeeaaaarrrsss.

[Audience starts laughing hysterically at Carvey, who is dressed exactly like Khan in Star Trek II.]

Kirk: Khan!

Khan: Yes, Kirk. It is I, your greatest foe and I will...Sulu? [Walks over to him.] Sulu! Oh my god, what have they done to you? [Eyes Sulu's large gut.]

Sulu: [shrugs.] We all get older, Khan.

Khan: I cannot bear to look at you. Turn away from me! [spins Sulu around so he's no longer facing him.]

Kirk: Khan...stop it! You board my ship, you insult my crew. What is it you really want?

Khan: Ahhhhh, very well Kiiiiiirrrkkkk. I shall get to the heart of the matter.

[Khan snaps his fingers and a man with a clipboard comes through the door to stand at his side.]

Khan: This is the health inspector. Your establishment has many infractions. You have dirty silverware stored next to clean. No sneeeeezzzeeeguard on the saaaaalllaaad baaaaarr.

[Kirk, Spock and McCoy huddle together, talking in low tones.]

McCoy: He's got us, Jim.

Kirk: Maybe, maybe not. Bones, Spock...do you have any money?

McCoy: A few dollars, Jim, but why?

Kirk: Just give it to me.

[The two men hand him their cash. Kirk strides over to the health inspector.]

Kirk: I appreciate you bringing these problems to my attention. We'll be taking care of them right away. [shakes the inspector's hand, passing him the cash.]

Health Inspector: [Glancing at the cash.] Well, seeing as this is your first offense and that you're willing to rectify the situation, I don't see why we can't just let this one go.

Khan: Oooooohhhhhh Kirk! You may have won this time, but I will be back. And next time...you...will...be...cited! Inspector...come!

[Khan and the health inspector exit.]

[A brief exterior and theme music, and then back to an interior shot.]

Spock: Captain, it seems quite illogical that Khan was betrayed by the very health inspector he recruited to defeat you.

Kirk: Never underestimate the power of human greed, Spock.

McCoy: What he means, Spock, is that sometimes your vaunted Vulcan logic fails you.

Spock: Doctor...would you kindly do me the honor of eating my shorts?!

McCoy: Wha-wha-wha-whhhhaaaaaatttt!?

Kirk: Mister Spock, I believe you're getting more human all the time.

[Kirk flips open his communicator.]

Kirk: Mister Scott...full revolve!

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I don't know where to get transcripts (and I've yet to learn to write really fast),but that star trek restaurant one reminds me of one of the times Patrick Stewart hosted and they did basically the same skit with the Next Generation characters and the enterprise had been turned into the Love Boat rather than a restaurant.

And Patrick Stewart on SNL just reminds me of "Phil McCracken: Scottish Therapist",which of course reminds me of "All things Scottish" We have 3 sizes: wee,not so wee,and friggin huge.

I miss SNL being funny.

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