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johnny green balls

how to get out of boring stuff with your wife/fiance/gf

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Well done, Johnny. A nice read on a cold Friday morning.

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update: the worst is over. earlier, in the throes of the mid-morning aftershocks the air in my office was as thick as pea soup. my sec. came into my office without warning and i had to gruffly tell her "Dear Lord, Not now! Not now!" i'm bracing for one final purge and i brought a pair of backup undies just in case. pray for me.

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update: the worst is over. earlier, in the throes of the mid-morning aftershocks the air in my office was as thick as pea soup. my sec. came into my office without warning and i had to gruffly tell her "Dear Lord, Not now! Not now!" i'm bracing for one final purge and i brought a pair of backup undies just in case. pray for me.

The acorn doesn't fall to far from the tree!!!!!!!!!

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her story- at long last I was outdoors breathing in the crisp fresh air on my way to the Italian market,alone as I had planned.Yes, buying him those raisins was painful to the nostrils but it was the only way I could think of to be in the arms of tyrone nye, the produce guy without johnny suspecting a thing. All I could think of as I crossed 7th street was christ, no wonder is balls are green

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i just made an amazing discovery. last night my fiancee said she wanted to get up at the asscrack of dawn to go to the italian market before work to get some things for dinner tonight. of course the last thing i wanted was to be out in the cold (-10 with windchill this morning) carrying bags of produce at 7am when i could get an extra hour of sleep. when we were watching tv last night and i was contemplating a good excuse to bail on the market trip, i was eating raisins and i went a little overboard, consuming perhaps four big handfuls of the little suckers.

fast forward to 4am. i was awoken by a thunderous roar that i at first assumed was the 47 bus zooming up 7th street. however, my nostrils soon informed me that this noise was no bus. thinking it was an aberration, i started dozing back off when without warning, my arsehole parted again to let out a long whine that sounded like a bottle rocket shooting high into the sky. this woke up my fiancee who mumbled something about me being a disgusting pig. 10 minutes later, my poor butthole let forth a demonic gurgling that sounded like boiling mud sending my fiancee into a screeching rage. frighteningly, i checked my underwear but thankfully this hellacious fart was all sound and no brown. the stench however had a not-pleasant bouqet that reminded me of soggy woodchips with undertones of toasted oak, giving it a sharp, almost burned smell. the volume of air that escape from my colon the rest of the night could have easily filled the hidenberg and the stench grew more and more noxious as my poor colon relentlessly churned the half a pound of raisins i had foolishly consumed.

the next morning, my fiancee got into the shower and the cacophony of ass air continued unabated. when she returned to the bedroom, she was overcome by the horrific strench and began yelling about how she was never buying raisins ever again. i cannot overestimate how legendary this gas was, i could barely shove one man overboard and the next was already on the plank ready to jump. my girlish giggling only served to further enrage my fiancee. feeling a slight lull in my ass symphony, i curled into the fetal position to better coax the trapped methane and sulfuric gas out of the escape hatch. like a standing ovation, my ass let forth a thunderous applause that sent the dog barking and a curling iron at my head. "you're just showing off now." i insisted in between laughing uncontrollably that this was scaring me and that i would never do this on purpose when suddenly, i knew that the next expulsion would be more than mere air.

i ran to the toilet and as soon as i got there, i was an upside-down geyser, pressurewashing the inside of the porcelin bowl with a vile rocket of ass grease. i was overcome with abdominable pain and the smell of cream of wheat when my fiancee said "no way am i bringing you to the market with farts like that. you're such an *******." at that moment i realized what a momentous occasion this was-- no other excuse ever got me out of anything so easily as horrific, uncontrollable flatulence. for some unexplainable reason that i will never pretend to understand, women detest farts and powerful is the man who discovers how to harness and control the vast power of the rectal airhorn god has bestowed on him. if a couple handfuls of raisins could succeed where no other excuse couldn't, it was worth ****ting through a screen door for 15 minutes to get out of market trips, shopping, birthday parties for her friends, dinner with her parents, walking the dog, and household chores. after she left i crawled into bed and slept for another full hour, warmed by the green haze that now filled the room and the knowledge that i had finally outsmarted her and it only cost me 2 pairs of boxers.

Your my hero.

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her story- at long last I was outdoors breathing in the crisp fresh air on my way to the Italian market,alone as I had planned.Yes, buying him those raisins was painful to the nostrils but it was the only way I could think of to be in the arms of tyrone nye, the produce guy without johnny suspecting a thing. All I could think of as I crossed 7th street was christ, no wonder is balls are green

POTW NOM as well. Excellent work as usual there JW

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her story- at long last I was outdoors breathing in the crisp fresh air on my way to the Italian market,alone as I had planned.Yes, buying him those raisins was painful to the nostrils but it was the only way I could think of to be in the arms of tyrone nye, the produce guy without johnny suspecting a thing. All I could think of as I crossed 7th street was christ, no wonder is balls are green

she keeps bringing home that half price boc choi and i don't ask any questions.

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she keeps bringing home that half price boc choi and i don't ask any questions.

Bok_choy_in_Chinatown_New_York_-_440_by_265.JPG

Did I miss this joke...??

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In the future, just say you don't want to go and save yourself the gastric distress. Pfffffft! Ah, that felt mahhhhvelous - and it's not because I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to go, either.

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In the future, just say you don't want to go and save yourself the gastric distress. Pfffffft! Ah, that felt mahhhhvelous - and it's not because I don't want to go anywhere I don't want to go, either.

clearly you're not engaged/married.

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clearly you're not engaged/married.

Wrong. That latter. Thing is, it causes far less strife when either side doesn't feel manipulated. Give and take for sure, but sometimes it's just as important to the person who doesn't want to do something to be 'allowed' NOT to do it.

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Wrong. That latter. Thing is, it causes far less strife when either side doesn't feel manipulated. Give and take for sure, but sometimes it's just as important to the person who doesn't want to do something to be 'allowed' NOT to do it.

:rl: good one.

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Well, good luck then, Skippy.

so i've been married a couple months now and my method is definitely better than yours. whenever i try to compromise with my wife, i lose and she wins. sneaking raisins or prunes are the only proven method to get my way.

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OH JGB!!!!!

Your image is now tarnished forever!!!!

I had such high hopes for you. A nice looking guy who married a beautiful girl, it was like a cinderella story until this thread!!!!!

Now I realize it is more like SHREK marrying the beautiful princess and it all goes to hell!:)

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OH JGB!!!!!

Your image is now tarnished forever!!!!

I had such high hopes for you. A nice looking guy who married a beautiful girl, it was like a cinderella story until this thread!!!!!

Now I realize it is more like SHREK marrying the beautiful princess and it all goes to hell!:)

look at 1st post,,old thread,,

he is slowly being 'trained'

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i just made an amazing discovery. last night my fiancee said she wanted to get up at the asscrack of dawn to go to the italian market before work to get some things for dinner tonight. of course the last thing i wanted was to be out in the cold (-10 with windchill this morning) carrying bags of produce at 7am when i could get an extra hour of sleep. when we were watching tv last night and i was contemplating a good excuse to bail on the market trip, i was eating raisins and i went a little overboard, consuming perhaps four big handfuls of the little suckers.

fast forward to 4am. i was awoken by a thunderous roar that i at first assumed was the 47 bus zooming up 7th street. however, my nostrils soon informed me that this noise was no bus. thinking it was an aberration, i started dozing back off when without warning, my arsehole parted again to let out a long whine that sounded like a bottle rocket shooting high into the sky. this woke up my fiancee who mumbled something about me being a disgusting pig. 10 minutes later, my poor butthole let forth a demonic gurgling that sounded like boiling mud sending my fiancee into a screeching rage. frighteningly, i checked my underwear but thankfully this hellacious fart was all sound and no brown. the stench however had a not-pleasant bouqet that reminded me of soggy woodchips with undertones of toasted oak, giving it a sharp, almost burned smell. the volume of air that escape from my colon the rest of the night could have easily filled the hidenberg and the stench grew more and more noxious as my poor colon relentlessly churned the half a pound of raisins i had foolishly consumed.

the next morning, my fiancee got into the shower and the cacophony of ass air continued unabated. when she returned to the bedroom, she was overcome by the horrific strench and began yelling about how she was never buying raisins ever again. i cannot overestimate how legendary this gas was, i could barely shove one man overboard and the next was already on the plank ready to jump. my girlish giggling only served to further enrage my fiancee. feeling a slight lull in my ass symphony, i curled into the fetal position to better coax the trapped methane and sulfuric gas out of the escape hatch. like a standing ovation, my ass let forth a thunderous applause that sent the dog barking and a curling iron at my head. "you're just showing off now." i insisted in between laughing uncontrollably that this was scaring me and that i would never do this on purpose when suddenly, i knew that the next expulsion would be more than mere air.

i ran to the toilet and as soon as i got there, i was an upside-down geyser, pressurewashing the inside of the porcelin bowl with a vile rocket of ass grease. i was overcome with abdominable pain and the smell of cream of wheat when my fiancee said "no way am i bringing you to the market with farts like that. you're such an *******." at that moment i realized what a momentous occasion this was-- no other excuse ever got me out of anything so easily as horrific, uncontrollable flatulence. for some unexplainable reason that i will never pretend to understand, women detest farts and powerful is the man who discovers how to harness and control the vast power of the rectal airhorn god has bestowed on him. if a couple handfuls of raisins could succeed where no other excuse couldn't, it was worth ****ting through a screen door for 15 minutes to get out of market trips, shopping, birthday parties for her friends, dinner with her parents, walking the dog, and household chores. after she left i crawled into bed and slept for another full hour, warmed by the green haze that now filled the room and the knowledge that i had finally outsmarted her and it only cost me 2 pairs of boxers.

star-wars-boss-nass-lmao.jpg

Epic. Truly Epic.

Bravo good sir!

:biggrin:

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I had no idea this was posted last year and nominated it POTW. My bad. Hilarious though...

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i just made an amazing discovery. last night my fiancee said she wanted to get up at the asscrack of dawn to go to the italian market before work to get some things for dinner tonight. of course the last thing i wanted was to be out in the cold (-10 with windchill this morning) carrying bags of produce at 7am when i could get an extra hour of sleep. when we were watching tv last night and i was contemplating a good excuse to bail on the market trip, i was eating raisins and i went a little overboard, consuming perhaps four big handfuls of the little suckers.

fast forward to 4am. i was awoken by a thunderous roar that i at first assumed was the 47 bus zooming up 7th street. however, my nostrils soon informed me that this noise was no bus. thinking it was an aberration, i started dozing back off when without warning, my arsehole parted again to let out a long whine that sounded like a bottle rocket shooting high into the sky. this woke up my fiancee who mumbled something about me being a disgusting pig. 10 minutes later, my poor butthole let forth a demonic gurgling that sounded like boiling mud sending my fiancee into a screeching rage. frighteningly, i checked my underwear but thankfully this hellacious fart was all sound and no brown. the stench however had a not-pleasant bouqet that reminded me of soggy woodchips with undertones of toasted oak, giving it a sharp, almost burned smell. the volume of air that escape from my colon the rest of the night could have easily filled the hidenberg and the stench grew more and more noxious as my poor colon relentlessly churned the half a pound of raisins i had foolishly consumed.

the next morning, my fiancee got into the shower and the cacophony of ass air continued unabated. when she returned to the bedroom, she was overcome by the horrific strench and began yelling about how she was never buying raisins ever again. i cannot overestimate how legendary this gas was, i could barely shove one man overboard and the next was already on the plank ready to jump. my girlish giggling only served to further enrage my fiancee. feeling a slight lull in my ass symphony, i curled into the fetal position to better coax the trapped methane and sulfuric gas out of the escape hatch. like a standing ovation, my ass let forth a thunderous applause that sent the dog barking and a curling iron at my head. "you're just showing off now." i insisted in between laughing uncontrollably that this was scaring me and that i would never do this on purpose when suddenly, i knew that the next expulsion would be more than mere air.

i ran to the toilet and as soon as i got there, i was an upside-down geyser, pressurewashing the inside of the porcelin bowl with a vile rocket of ass grease. i was overcome with abdominable pain and the smell of cream of wheat when my fiancee said "no way am i bringing you to the market with farts like that. you're such an *******." at that moment i realized what a momentous occasion this was-- no other excuse ever got me out of anything so easily as horrific, uncontrollable flatulence. for some unexplainable reason that i will never pretend to understand, women detest farts and powerful is the man who discovers how to harness and control the vast power of the rectal airhorn god has bestowed on him. if a couple handfuls of raisins could succeed where no other excuse couldn't, it was worth ****ting through a screen door for 15 minutes to get out of market trips, shopping, birthday parties for her friends, dinner with her parents, walking the dog, and household chores. after she left i crawled into bed and slept for another full hour, warmed by the green haze that now filled the room and the knowledge that i had finally outsmarted her and it only cost me 2 pairs of boxers.

a bump for this JN classic

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a bump for this JN classic

I'm still laughing, SJ. I could read that piece daily and never tire of its perfect construction and comedic execution. I am having similar issues with dried apricots. I love 'em, but can feel my belly distend after I consume their deliciousness.

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I'm still laughing, SJ. I could read that piece daily and never tire of its perfect construction and comedic execution. I am having similar issues with dried apricots. I love 'em, but can feel my belly distend after I consume their deliciousness.

sounds like Mrs Borgo and Mrs. JGBs have like fates ;)

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sounds like Mrs Borgo and Mrs. JGBs have like fates ;)

I just read JGB's post again and am laughing like a nut at the keyboard. Your kid has some writing chops, SJ. The imagery and descriptions are brilliant. Luckily for all in my house, I have sworn off the dried fruit.

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