onemanswarm Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hope all is well here. I couldn't bring myself to chime in on T-Jones as the entire ordeal makes me want to weepturbate with rage. Anyway, like I said, hope everyone is well... Spring has sprung, and with it, a young man’s thoughts turn to love. Yeah, like that young man wasn’t thinking about love when he was hand-humping to xtube all winter long. Let the young men have their fun. We old men have something more pressing to attend to: Namely, the NCAA tournament. Selection Sunday offered a couple of head-scratchers, but nothing that should concern the average office-pooler as he prepares his bracket and that of his wife. Note: The preceding comment espoused a chauvinistic perspective which does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the author. It does reflect the opinion of any and all male readers who are about to lose their office pool to a woman. This almost annually includes the author. Here are a couple of guidelines that might help you avoid embarrassing yourself: 1. Beginner: Never pick all four 1-seeds to make the Final Four. There’s a better chance of Jon Heder getting the nod to take over the Spiderman franchise from Toby Maguire. Incidentally, when is everyone going to stop giving Heder a pass just because Napolean Dynamite was an iconic debut character? Has Heder failed to suck cat balls in anything he's done since? What is "Blades of Glory" if not Frank-the-Tank meets Napolean Dynamite on Ice? Tiny, tightly-bound cat balls. I picked Kansas to bow out in the Elite 8 because, when the tourney rolls around, Bill Self chokes like a dog on a chicken bone. For the non-dog owners, Bill Self chokes like a suburban dare-devil downing a double dose of Dramamine prior to busting out his autoerotic asphyxiation ligature. For non-dog owners with an aversion to verbose similes, Kansas is going down in the fourth. 2. Beginner: A 12-seed always beats a 5-seed. No one has ever been able to adequately elucidate the reasons behind this, but I believe it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time the tournament rolls around, there are hundreds of people reminding the world that a 12 always beats a 5. The proliferation of this message saturates the 12-seeds with a level of confidence that is not afforded to the 11 and 13-seeds, who boast less historical success. Simultaneously, any team that was cursed with a 5-seed finds itself treading in the ever-rising waters of Lake Gonnablowit . Theoretically, these teams should not be encumbered by greater pressure than their 4 and 6-seeded counterparts, yet it happens every year. One of the 5-seed teams runs out onto the court with their sphinxters pulled tighter than David Lee Roth’s pants in the “Jump” video. To this day, I have no idea how he did so many toe touches in those pants. Legend has it that when Van Halen finally finished shooting, DLR’s balls looked like a pair of purple water grenades. I like Old Dominion over Butler . 3. Advanced: Does your league reward you for picking upsets? If so, you will want to use that to your advantage. Upset leagues typically operate under the assumption that a losing team cannot reappear in later rounds of a bracket. In other words, if you pick New Mexico State to beat Texas, then Texas is out for the remainder of the tournament. Why should this be? Why can’t you pick the first round upset before bringing the Longhorns back for the next four games? Good news! You probably can. Unless there are explicit rules against such deviance, it is a recommended strategy. Let’s examine an example. Wright State, a 14-seed, has a decent chance to upset third-seeded Pittsburgh. That’s 9 points if you call it right. However, Pittsburgh has the talent to go pretty deep in this tournament, which could cost you big if the upset fails and Pitt makes the Final Four after being eliminated from your bracket. That’s why you bring Pitt back for the remaining rounds, where the upsets aren’t as valuable. [font=Times New Roman] Having trouble deciding between Gonzaga and UCLA in that pivotal second round match-up? Hedge your bets! Pick Gonzaga, but bring back the Bruins for the Elite Eight. You will be mocked relentlessly by your peers, but once the fury and confusion have cleared, they will have to respect your ingenuity. 4. Intermediate: Know the proper abbreviations. Those tiny bracket blanks don’t offer sufficient space to spell out “Creighton,” let alone "Central Conneticut State University." You’ll need to abbreviate, but the wrong abbreviations will make you look stupid. Or if you're not careful, gay. So make sure to get it right. You can use the corresponding postal codes for many state universities. “NV” for Nevada and “TX” for Texas are perfectly acceptable abbreviations. However, this is not the case for North Carolina, which any self-respecting hoops fan would abbreviate as “UNC.” For an exhaustive list, visit www.touchmyson.com or spend a moment memorizing this snappy mnemonic: For Georgetown, stop with just “GU,” Leave “Villa” off of “Nova.” “H.C.” can stand for Holy Cross, They love them some Jehovah. In Latin, Jehovah starts with “I,” Which you can use for Illinois. But even God can’t help you out, If you choose to pick Bruce Weber's boys. “Lou” is short for Louisville, For Gonzaga, stick with "Zags." Use two T’s for Texas Tech, Or risk being called a fa...ermm, a fairly uninformed fan. 5. Beginner: Only turn in one bracket per pool. There’s always that one guy who runs around gloating about a second-place finish that netted him $50. What he fails to mention is that he turned in 7 brackets, so he ended up minus-20 on the entire proposition. If you do insist on turning in more than one bracket, have your wife pick the other one. The NCAA tournament is an enigmatic puzzle that defies all reason. Can you think of a better application for a woman’s logic. 6. Advanced: Know your opponents. You say your office is in Madison ? Then most people in your pool have been brainwashed by Badger banter for the past three months. Meanwhile, their knowledge of possible opponents like Georgia Tech and Oregon likely comes from the twenty-second highlights they saw on Selection Sunday. Your opponents will almost certainly have Wisconsin in the finals, providing you with an opportunity to whip up on them if you have the sac to pick the upset. Don’t be a homer. Hang brain all over those chumps in accounting. Bo Ryan will forgive you. 7. Beginner: If you haven’t watched much college hoops, don’t spend a lot of time reading the expert picks. Unless you dislike your boss, in which case any time-waster than precludes increased productivity is an excellent decision. Go America ! And go Texas A&M! That’s “A&M” for short, if you can draw an ampersand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Welcome back, Swarm. between the Super Bowl and T-Jones, I wasn't sure you were still among us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor99 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Great, funny read. As always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanDoug Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Very good stuff, thanks. Yeah, a lot of 12's have beaten 5's. Hard to figure that sh** out. A notable 5 going far was Florida a few years back going all the way to the final, losing to Mich St. This year's #5 team to make some noise = Va. Tech. d Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 great job as always swarm. awesome analogy. i'm boycotting the brackets til they reinstate cuse does that make me intermediate btw? using cuse for syracuse? should I use cuse or orangemen when impressing the ladies within earshot of the water cooler? I wanna talk the talk bigtime friday as it leads into the weekend & we know chicks dig bracketboys so here's my question. I'm gonna say "whoah I can't believe he hit that (pronounced) tray" will that sound cool enough to get me laid? what are this years buzzwords? thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted March 14, 2007 Author Share Posted March 14, 2007 great job as always swarm. awesome analogy. i'm boycotting the brackets til they reinstate cuse does that make me intermediate btw? using cuse for syracuse? should I use cuse or orangemen when impressing the ladies within earshot of the water cooler? I wanna talk the talk bigtime friday as it leads into the weekend & we know chicks dig bracketboys so here's my question. I'm gonna say "whoah I can't believe he hit that (pronounced) tray" will that sound cool enough to get me laid? what are this years buzzwords? thanks in advance. An excellent question. If you find yourself in a pinch, I would recommend the following: "Durant is ready to help a team right now, but I think Oden has the higher ceiling." Cuse is the proper abbreviation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 An excellent question. If you find yourself in a pinch, I would recommend the following: "Durant is ready to help a team right now, but I think Oden has the higher ceiling." Cuse is the proper abbreviation. awesome , thanks. ya know there are sites on the web where a guy would have to pay somewhere in the mid $50 range for this kind of info. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 6. Advanced: Know your opponents. You say your office is in Madison ? Then most people in your pool have been brainwashed by Badger banter for the past three months. Meanwhile, their knowledge of possible opponents like Georgia Tech and Oregon likely comes from the twenty-second highlights they saw on Selection Sunday. Your opponents will almost certainly have Wisconsin in the finals, providing you with an opportunity to whip up on them if you have the sac to pick the upset. Don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 awesome , thanks. ya know there are sites on the web where a guy would have to pay somewhere in the mid $50 range for this kind of info. You didn't? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 You didn't? no, you can apologize for free Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mentos Posted March 14, 2007 Share Posted March 14, 2007 should I use cuse or orangemen when impressing the ladies within earshot of the water cooler? Cuse sounds too silly. Orangemen is wrong. That is no longer the team name. Go with Syracuse or Orange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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