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Overheard In New York.com


The Gun Of Bavaria

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Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.

Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don't understand.

Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.

Middle-aged woman across aisle: They're not orange line trains. It's the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don't call it the orange line.

Suit: Hey, lady, **** you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

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20-ish guy: I wish I had a gi-normous ****. I mean, a **** the size of a baseball bat.

20-ish girl: What would you do with it? No woman could fit it in.

20-ish guy: Doesn't matter. If I had a **** that big I'd never have to argue with anyone again.

20-ish girl: How do you figure that?

20-ish guy: If someone disagreed with me I would take out my 34-inch ****, flip it up on the table like a mutant Chateaubriand and make a face like this [makes a 'So there!' face].

20s-ish girl: So, let me get this straight: You think that a giant penis trumps a logical argument?

20-ish guy: Well, doesn't it? Like with that guy you met in Aruba last winter?

20-ish girl, after long stare: I told you never to mention that again.

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Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?

Nun: Yes, it does.

Guy: No, it doesn't. The station is closed.

Nun: I've been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.

Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.

--1 train

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Guy #1: She reminds me of this girl I used to know when I was a kid. Her name was Molly, and her whole family was f*ckin' freakishly religious.

Guy #2: That's annoying.

Guy #1: Yeah... And this one time she was throwing stones at my bike, and I told her to stop but she didn't. So I turned around and started riding right toward her, prepared to run this bitch over. I was hauling ass, and you know what she does? She stands there and puts her hands to her hips and says, 'The Lord will protect me.'

Guy #2: What happened?

Guy #1: He didn't.

--Columbia University

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A stray kitten wanders up to a little girl who bends down to pet it.

Mom: Come on, sweetie, it's time to cross the street.

Little girl, dismayed: But I'm petting the kitty.

Mom: Honey, we need to go. Say bye-bye, now.

Little girl: Goddammit, mommy, I'm petting the kitty!

--17th & 6th

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?

Nun: Yes, it does.

Guy: No, it doesn't. The station is closed.

Nun: I've been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.

Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.

--1 train

heh heh funny stuff/ both guys were right- ther BD and F are all orange, and Cortlandt (with a "T") was closed as it was right under the WTC.

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Young woman: I paid them a little bit. They paid for Mark to go to a 50 thousand dollar drug rehab and recovery program, so I think they'll be willing to loan us a thousand.

Man: Maybe, but he was taking it up the butt for crack. I think that's a whole different scenario.

--Staten Island Ferry

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Electric guy to himself: Where's my gloves?

Grip guy: Gloves? I don't use gloves. I use my bare hands like a man! Only pussies use gloves. Are you a pussy? Be a man, ya pussy.

Electric guy: But then my skin will get all dry and crack and stuff.

Grip guy: Duh, well, yeah. That's why you have to moisturize.

--Movie set of I Am Legend

Overheard by: Another electric guy

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Guess Mommy's Never Seen a Real Woman

Woman to friend: Look at that woman. She so fat, we should call Greenpeace to roll her back in the ocean.

Little girl passing by fat woman: My mommy says Greenpeace should roll you back into the ocean!

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Sir, I'm Going to Need to Wand You

Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?

Boy #2: What security?

Boy #3: What bouncer?

Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.

Boy #2: There was no security dude.

Boy #1: ... Then who the hell was that guy?!

Boys #2 and #3 laugh hysterically.

--Venice Beach, California

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Tourist man: Honey, why don't we just go back to the room?

Tourist woman: Okay. We're all going to calm down. We've done everything we can do. The police report has been filed. We're all going to forget. We're going to take a deep breath, and we're going to move on. A new trip, a new beginning. Our new objective is to simply maneuver from point A to point B without getting mugged.

--Outside Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

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Yuppie girl: Sometimes I feel like it would be fun to live in the projects.

Yuppie guy: Uh, why?

Yuppie girl: Everybody knows each other -- it's like summer camp.

Yuppie guy: But they shoot each other.

Yuppie girl: Yeah -- summer camp, but with guns.

--99th & 3rd

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A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the middle of the block, causing two suits and several other people to crash into them.

Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you idiots! There are people walking behind you!

Tourist mom: You don't have to be so rude!

Suit #2: He's rude? You clearly see this is a busy sidewalk, and yet you stop dead in the middle and block all traffic!

Tourist mom: He didn't have to say it so rude -- we are not from around here!

Suit #1: And does that somehow excuse your being idiots and stopping in the middle of a busy street?

Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in North Carolina!

Suit #2: That explains the idiocy, but it still isn't an excuse.

Tourist mom: That was unnecessary!

Suit #1: Perhaps, but it's true.

Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more polite: Welcome to New York. Slow walking idiots prone to stopping for no reason stay to the ****ing right of busy sidewalks, and don't get in the way of the non-mentally impaired locals. Now **** off.

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