Green DNA Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I was going through some old stuff and found these Rodney jokes. Rodney was the king, this stuff never goes out of style. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through." I'm so ugly .... My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. I'm so ugly, when I was born the doctor slapped my mother. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CobraVerde Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 classic!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I had a huge list of these in an email once. I'll post it if I can find it. Brilliant guy. Only one I remember off the top of my head is "I'm tellin' ya I don't get no respect. One time my shirt was on fire & some guy tried to put it out with an axe." Or something like that. Helps to read it imagining his voice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerryK Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 -My father -what an alcoholic. He once read a billboard saying "Drink Canada Dry"...so he went up there! -My wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I havent had a cigarette in 6 weeks. She's up to 2 packs a day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Verde Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 Rodney D was the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crackbackblock Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 I went to my doctor the other day...he told me that I have six months to live. I told him I want a second opinion. He said OK you're ugly too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gangreenman Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 ...One time I went out and left a note saying "I'm home, Don't rob the house." I got home to an empty house and a note saying "We looked all over but couldn't find ya." Ronny D was a great comedian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanDoug Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 This line was in my sig b4, but it's good enough to post again. Rodney. "My sex life, are you kiddin? The only time my wife yells 'I'm Coming' is when I'm holding the elevator for her" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsTaborJet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 Loved Rodney Dangerfield.... he was one of the few comedians I never was tired of hearing. Same shtick year after year, movie after movie, but what a classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Jet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 -My father -what an alcoholic. He once read a billboard saying "Drink Canada Dry"...so he went up there! -My wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I havent had a cigarette in 6 weeks. She's up to 2 packs a day. LOL 2 more classics, Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
124 Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 The best one liner ever is still from the man himself, George Carlin: "I never ****ed a 10, never ****ed a 10, but one night, I ****ed five 2's and I think that should count, don't you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsTaborJet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 -My wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex. I havent had a cigarette in 6 weeks. She's up to 2 packs a day. Hilarious!!! If married men only knew how true that was! ha ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thai Jet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 The best one liner ever is still from the man himself, George Carlin: "I never ****ed a 10, never ****ed a 10, but one night, I ****ed five 2's and I think that should count, don't you?" LMAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green DNA Posted September 8, 2007 Author Share Posted September 8, 2007 Hilarious!!! If married men only knew how true that was! ha ha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeniorFlaJet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 - Last night at 11 o'clock there was a knock on the door, She told ME to hide in the closet. - The marriage counselor told us to have sex every nite. Now we'll never see each other. - My wife cut me down to sex once a month. But I'm lucky. I know two guys she cut off entirely. - This beautiful blond kept banging on my hotel door all nite. I finally had to let her out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SeniorFlaJet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 - I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself. - What a childhood I had. Once on my birday me ol' man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. - I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. he told me to keep out of those places. - When I was kid I got not respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me....and no one showed up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 The best one liner ever is still from the man himself, George Carlin: "I never ****ed a 10, never ****ed a 10, but one night, I ****ed five 2's and I think that should count, don't you?" Dude that is so friggin' far from the best one-liner ever. I read funnier lines on JN every day. Carlin is mega-overrated. I've seen a BUNCH of his concerts/specials. He's not nearly as funny as he thinks he is himself or that people make him out to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gainzo Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 He was great. I loved him in Caddyshack and Back to School. Here is a great line from Back to School: Vanessa: Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress. Don't YOU, Thornton? It's such a LOVELY shade of GREEN. Thornton Melon: Yeah, if that dress had pockets, you'd look like a pool table. You should try my Tall & Fat stores. No offense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 tQnAhSzb4gY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 9FPv2toi5og Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TaborJet Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 9FPv2toi5og That is absolute gold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick34125 Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 tQnAhSzb4gY Great stuff. yeah, classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bugg Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 My wife wanted to go someplace new and totally different. So last night we f____ed in the backseat of my brother's car. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick34125 Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance. I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over! My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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