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So I went to a Dragons/Soul game the other day

Ben Schwartz

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  • 1 month later...

So today I woke up and couldnt decide what to do. Should I eat breakfast or take a huge dump. Both were extremely good options.

I weighed each decision carefully. If I ate first, taking a dump would be a little easier plus I could jump in the shower right after and clean the dingleberries right out.

If I shat first, then I would feel empty and willing to eat more. Plus I wouldnt feel all bloated and fat. And since I like to eat, this is a very appealing option.

So, laying in bed scratching my balls (which I like to do first thing in the morning) and trying to decide I heard a loud bang outside. What could that be I wondered? Well, I turned quickly to look out the window and I felt a sharp pain shoot through my lower back. Good thing I was scratching my balls so I could distract myself from the lightning shooting through my lower back.

Looking out the window, I couldnt tell what happened. What was that loud noise? Did a car backfire? Did a Red Sox fan lose it and go on a shooting spree? Did a tree fall on my car? Well, when one is scratching their balls, they lose concentration on anything outside of scratching their balls. Quickly my mind wandered away from that loud noise to wondering how much manscaping I should do.

Manscaping is almost mandatory these days. Luckily I am a heavyset guy who doesnt have a lot of luck with the ladies so not many get to enjoy the family jewels I possess. Plus, when you're paying for a hooker, she's got to put up with that mess down there. Why should I clear the manscape for her? She wont appreciate it anyway. Since its sunday, one of the lazyist days of the week, do I really want to pull out the shaving cream and razor to shave my junk and the surrounding neighborhood... I really dont want to waste my weekend free time on shaving my balls, so maybe I should do it tomorrow. But I need to be up earlier than usual tomorrow and I dont trust myself around my balls in the morning when Im so freaking tired. I quickly grow tired and nauseated by the thoughts of ballshaving going through my head. Plus, with the scratching Im doing, 'ol Stanley (the name of my penis) finally has woke up. Now I have a 3rd option, do I sh!t, eat, or crank one out?

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