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Time Machine Advice

johnny green balls

By johnny green balls
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johnny green balls

johnny green balls

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If you could go back in time and give your high school self one piece of advice, what would it be?

(if you're still in high school, pay attention to this thread!)

==

Me? I'd tell myself to do everything you undertake to the best of your ability. I always worked hard in school and science & math competitions because that was "my thing." however, in cross country and track, i didn't find immediate success (no one does, i realize now) so i basically went through the motions for 4 years. so i'd tell myself: "if you're gonna do something, go all out!!!"

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Borgoguy

Borgoguy

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Easy: Add girls. Lots of them. My folks had the brilliant thought to send me to an all boys, Christian Brother's, high school. Now you know why I'm so obsessed with hot chicks and sex in general. Meanwhile, there was a sister school with the same name that was all girls. You cannot imagine how short those Catholic school girls wore their skirts. They knew they were driving us insane. Also, thanks to the various brothers over my four years that never got my jokes or screwing around, and who beat me up for it. Thanks for your understanding and compassion--if not for the numerous slaps and punches--over the years.

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Norway'sWaddlingMarmaloof

Norway'sWaddlingMarmaloof

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1. Realize how much easier it is to get laid than I thought at the time ( I got a very decent amount of trim) and close the deal with a few trophies that I let get away.

2. Try harder in school so I don't have to go the Palin route later.

3. Don't quit the football team out of laziness and love of partying. Biggest mistake ever and would have assited with No.1 above.

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SoFlaJets

SoFlaJets

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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING

Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

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SoFlaJets

SoFlaJets

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ORDER FORM

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REPORT #2: TIME TRAVEL MACHINES. Contains schematics and diagrams of devices which can actually be used for physical or out of the body time travel $19.95

REPORT #3: THE TIME TRAVELERS COMPENDIUM. This report shows you how to build the (STB-60), The Ecktoplasmic Oscillator, and more! $19.95

REPORT #4: CHRONOLOGICAL DISCOVERIES. Solves the mystery of the Pyramid. Shows you how to construct the Cosmic Diode, plus information on how to convert a Tesla Coil into a time travel machine. $19.95

REPORT #5: TIME TRAVEL PHYSICS. Shows you how to construct the amazing Chronological Time Reflector. Also contains information on a device which was given to me by an actual time traveler. $19.95

REPORT #6: HOW TO CONSTRUCT A TIME PORTAL. If you wish to travel physically through time, then this is the report for you. Shows you how to construct 3 different Time Portals. Also contains information on how to construct an artificial Grid Point. $19.95

REPORT #7: THE ZERO VECTOR. This report is totally awesome! Shows you how to construct the Flux Capacitor, the (TPR-4), the (STR-40), the Plasmatron Oscillator, the Fluxatron, and more! This is the real thing. $19.95

REPORT #8: THE 8TH KEY TO THE RIDDLE OF TIME. Reveals the inside dope on the Time Tunnel experiments conducted by our government. Shows you how to construct the (XD-70OO), the Ultra Dimensional Time Portal and more! Contains hard to find information. $19.95

REPORT #9: THE 9TH KEY TO THE RIDDLE OF TIME. The information contained in this report almost cost me my life. Shows you how to construct the Demat Cannon, the Hyper Space Time Portal, the Multi-verse Resonator and the Space Time Collector. $19.95

REPORT #10: KABALISTIC NUMEROLOGY. Shows you how to predict the future for any year, 4 month period, or day. Far more accurate than conventional systems. $19.95

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SoFlaJets

SoFlaJets

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In May 01 Roan Carratu (freehold@uswest.net) claimed:

"I received this as an email with no sender address. I thought I had better send it to you. Interestingly, the message had these words at the top of it, just as you see them."

This was the email:

Dear Art Bell,

This message will get to you on Saturday, May 19, 2001. We send it from the date, your calendar, January 2, 6451. To send this, the energy released from the dissolution of a galactic black hole caused a micro-puncture in time sidescales for nineteen milliseconds. Eleven thousand sixteen uninhabited star systems vaporized in order to send this message. We are inducing a packet distortion in the email band of your internet to send this message in that media. We send this message exactly as our history shows it was sent, in the words recorded in your time.

The events between the year 2001 and 2005 determine the future of the whole planet and the Human species component of the biosphere. Analysis of that time in history shows the beginning development of Human awareness of it's niche in the ecology of First Planet. The result transforms the Human species from a rogue species into the planetary nervous system it has become on all the planets it has terraformed since then. This period, between 2001 and 2005, is the most important period of all Human history.

All previous moments of time pivot the moments beyond that time. The results create the multitudes of side scales of time, each time scale proceeding from a different moment in the total actions of every component of the biosphere on that world. All the two hundred trillion side scales from that period in history, between 2001 and 2005, your calendar, show no life surviving on First Planet, with no expansion to the thousands of solar systems now occupied in our single primary side scale.

Therefore, only our primary scale of time can send this message back, and this message is pivotal for our primary time scale's existence. And therefore, the words in this message are necessary for the survival of the Ecology of First Planet and it's Human component, during that crucial time. This reason alone motivated the Humans now to create this message to send it into our ancient past, to your time.

The words needed for survival are: Humanity is Universe being aware of itself, and specifically, the ecology of First Planet being aware of itself. Most of the conceptuality common to Human society has no survival value. Almost everything Human's think and do have a destructive result in the future of First Planet. Whole systems of thought, commonly affecting Human behavior in your period of history, exist as commonly held delusions and do not reflect Human relationship with itself or the planetary ecology. Some of these are: Politics, Government, Economics, Formal Organized Education, and Military.

Most concepts of individuality do not reflect the reality of interdependence, and causes a blindness to the value of other human beings and the ecology. Since Humanity exists as a primary component of an ecology, originating within it, surviving through it, learning everything from it, and flourishing only in a healthy environment, the change in consciousness dissolving the previously mentioned conceptual delusions creates the actions which allows our single time scale to come into existence.

Please allow us to exist. You would like it. There is no war, no hunger, no ignorance, no disease or death, and maximum individual freedom possible. It is not a Utopia, but certainly our problems do not threaten existence or a viable future.

The oldest known Human is two thousand fifty six First Planet years old, and climbs the highest mountain on Second Planet every year. You called it Mars. She headed the task group which dismantled the abandoned orbital city around First Planet six hundred years ago. Her remotest known direct ancestor came from an area of the African sub-continent known as the Gold Coast, from a mud hut village rebuilt and modernized by the Planetary Effort in 2017.

Between 2027 through 2104 in multitudes of other side scales, Mass Extinction Events eliminate the biosphere, some from asteroids, some from diseases, and most from the nuclear, biological, and chemical result of social dissolution on the planetary ecology. In our ancient history, carefully retained through electronic records, an Asteroid in 2030 is diverted by a mass effort of the Human component of First Planet, and our primary scale proceeds from that time. But the seeds of that mass effort come from the period 2001 through 2005, and this message read on the Art Bell show to a mass population, according to our historical records.

We realize we exist as a result of a temporal paradox. But if it takes the destruction of a galaxy and a temporal paradox to create what we have now, we consider the result worth it.

end of email

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SouthernJet

SouthernJet

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Posted
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING

Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/insider.asp

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Jetlag

Jetlag

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A) Stop smoking so much god damn weed. That stuff gets you no where.

B) Put the work into school and get a legitimate GPA so you don't have to attend your first school failure at SUNY Cobleskill.

C) Don't quit guitar because it gets hard. Now I have to make up for 8 years of not playing. I'd love to know where I'd be by now.

D) Don't be such a ***** with girls. Get yourself some confidence (B and C will help) and hit the gym.

E) Don't quit football.

God dammit this just pissed me off.

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ladyJET2280

ladyJET2280

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If you could go back in time and give your high school self one piece of advice, what would it be?

(if you're still in high school, pay attention to this thread!)

==

Me? I'd tell myself to do everything you undertake to the best of your ability. I always worked hard in school and science & math competitions because that was "my thing." however, in cross country and track, i didn't find immediate success (no one does, i realize now) so i basically went through the motions for 4 years. so i'd tell myself: "if you're gonna do something, go all out!!!"

who cares about the cliques you follow? It wont matter after high school!!

Ever watch its another teen movie?

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Bergen Jet

Bergen Jet

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Take that money you have been saving and invest it all in Microsoft. That 3 grand you wasted on fixing up that crappy car could buy you 150 shares of MSFT which would be 21600 shares after all the splits that occurred from the time you purchased it until June of 2001 where you can sell it for $76 a share (or roughly 1.64 million bucks).

Ah screw it... you really need those rims and tires and stereo system on that crappy car.

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