NFL Shower Rankings - Week 2

[onemanswarm]

NFL Shower Rankings

Week 2

Every Tuesday morning, I sit in the shower and meditate on the state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This week, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me.

1. Saints (2-0): A guy named Gay gets his head dinged in San Francisco? There’s a joke in there somewhere.

2. Texans (2-0): Over/Under on number of Houston fans who literally masturbated to Bernard Pollard’s blocked field goal: 35,000. I’ll take the over.

3. Packers (2-0): Clay Matthews is racking up sacks faster than a fulltime fluffer at a bukkake bonanza.

4. Steelers (2-0): With a defense this good, who needs the DTF QB?

5. Ravens (1-1): Does Joe really blow? Or should we cut Flacco some slack-o?

6. Colts (1-1): D-line has tougher ends than Jared Allen’s Original Recipe Meatloaf.

7. Jets (1-1): Nobody responds to adversity like the Jets, and I’m not talking about the win over New England. I’m talking about the delicious irony of placing their response to sexual misconduct allegations in the capable hands of one Woody Johnson. Woody Johnson! They couldn’t get Dick Hardcock on retainer?

8. Chargers (1-1): Bolts took out some post-Chief aggression, thrashing the Jaguars like some sadistic zookeeper in a straight-to-video Lion’s Gate production.

9. Patriots (1-1): Tough loss but Moss’s highlight snag reminds us that it might be worth kissing his crazy a$$ every now and again.

10. Falcons (1-1): It would be illegal to abuse cardinals like that if bird law in this country was governed by reason.

11. Dolphins (2-0): As usual, the box score from the Vikings game shows that J. Allen was the most valuable defensive player. Wait, that line is from Jason Allen? Who the sh*t is Jason Allen?

12. Bears (2-0): The only controversy after this game came from Pam Oliver’s postgame praise for Jay Cutler’s smile. Nice timing, Pam. While you’re at it, why not swing by the locker room and rate Lance Briggs’ lance? Not to rant on double standards, but can you imagine Siragusa telling a player “nice teeth?” He’d be roundly accused of having caught a wisp o’ the gay.

13. Bengals (1-1): Mike Nugent was stroking 3’s like Dan “The Tan” Majerle.

14: Titans (1-1): Did I just see Kerry Collins squaring off with Charlie Batch? When did these teams outfit their buses with flux capacitors?

15. Redskins (1-1): First the Dallas Cowboys then the Houston Texans? Who’s next on the Redskins schedule? The Austin Injunmaulers?

16. Chiefs (2-0): Say you’ve got this buddy. Totally average. Not smart, not funny, not much to look at. One night, he manages to score a model-quality hottie with kegels like lips on a juvenile squid. A week later, he’s back to bumpin’ uglies with a 3. Now, even though the new girl looks like Steve Phillips’ mistress, she still kind of validates the original conquest, right?

17. 49ers (0-2): 0-2 team most likely to make the playoffs. They’re not any better than the Vikings or Cowboys, but winning the NFC West is about as hard as Superman in a kryptonite cockring.

18. Cowboys (0-2): If the Cowboys lose next week at Houston, Jerry Jones will need a Botox injection every time he gets nostalgic for the days when he knew how to smile.

19. Giants (1-1): Dwight Freeney beat David Diehl like a Sunday morning boner.

20. Eagles (1-1): You don’t bench a quarterback with a 105 passer rating. I don’t care if he did smuggle weed, torture animals, and knowingly herpefy an innocent quim. Hell, I don’t care if he smuggled weed inside a tortured animal whose quim he then knowingly herpefied! You don’t bench a quarterback with a 105 passer rating.

21. Broncos (1-1): The Broncos are 11-0 in recent home openers. That’s an Arrowhead-in-December, Favre-in-sub-freezing-weather kind of lock. I guess what I’m saying is that one day I’ll be able to use this stat to my advantage in losing a large sum of money.

22. Vikings (0-2): Harvin injury could make Vike’s wideouts the thinnest core this side of Kiera Knightley.

23. Jaguars (1-1): David Garrard can’t tell if he’s a kingpin or a pauper.

24. Buccaneers (2-0): Cleveland and Carolina contributed to a hot start, but Steelers, Bengals, and Saints should separate wheat from chaff. And these dudes are all chaff.

25. Seahawks (1-1): Masselbeck led some nice drives but failed to punctuate and theres nothing worse than failure to punctuate

26. Cardinals (1-1): Not unlike a post-cunnilingus Altoid, a visit from the Raiders helps chase that taste out of your mouth. I used that exact same line referring to the Cardinals last week, but fuggit. It’s a damn good line.

27. Raiders (1-1): Oakland defeated St. Louis 16-14 and Bruce Gradkowski was named MVP of ToiletBowl XLV.

28. Panthers (0-2): If you’re not excited about the Jimmy Clausen era of Carolina Panthers football then you’re not Jimmy Clausen.

29. Lions (0-2): Looks like Jahvid Best is a legit weapon in the run game. Now, if only they can learn to block and cover and tackle people, the Lions might rack up some W’s.

30. Browns (0-2): The Browns are 1-11 in recent home openers. Why don’t you just win at HOME?! That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME?!

31. Bills (0-2): Headline: Chan’s Clan Also Ran

32. Rams (0-2): This team just really f*cking sucks.

[slowmoe57]

Where the Hell have you been -- damn glad to see you back

[Thor99]

Welcome back. We missed you last year.

[Damaged89]

so stoked these are back.

[NJ]

NFL Shower Rankings

Week 2

Every Tuesday morning, I sit in the shower and meditate on the state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This week, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me.

1. Saints (2-0): A guy named Gay gets his head dinged in San Francisco? There’s a joke in there somewhere.

2. Texans (2-0): Over/Under on number of Houston fans who literally masturbated to Bernard Pollard’s blocked field goal: 35,000. I’ll take the over.

3. Packers (2-0): Clay Matthews is racking up sacks faster than a fulltime fluffer at a bukkake bonanza.

4. Steelers (2-0): With a defense this good, who needs the DTF QB?

5. Ravens (1-1): Does Joe really blow? Or should we cut Flacco some slack-o?

6. Colts (1-1): D-line has tougher ends than Jared Allen’s Original Recipe Meatloaf.

7. Jets (1-1): Nobody responds to adversity like the Jets, and I’m not talking about the win over New England. I’m talking about the delicious irony of placing their response to sexual misconduct allegations in the capable hands of one Woody Johnson. Woody Johnson! They couldn’t get Dick Hardcock on retainer?

8. Chargers (1-1): Bolts took out some post-Chief aggression, thrashing the Jaguars like some sadistic zookeeper in a straight-to-video Lion’s Gate production.

9. Patriots (1-1): Tough loss but Moss’s highlight snag reminds us that it might be worth kissing his crazy a$$ every now and again.

10. Falcons (1-1): It would be illegal to abuse cardinals like that if bird law in this country was governed by reason.

11. Dolphins (2-0): As usual, the box score from the Vikings game shows that J. Allen was the most valuable defensive player. Wait, that line is from Jason Allen? Who the sh*t is Jason Allen?

12. Bears (2-0): The only controversy after this game came from Pam Oliver’s postgame praise for Jay Cutler’s smile. Nice timing, Pam. While you’re at it, why not swing by the locker room and rate Lance Briggs’ lance? Not to rant on double standards, but can you imagine Siragusa telling a player “nice teeth?” He’d be roundly accused of having caught a wisp o’ the gay.

13. Bengals (1-1): Mike Nugent was stroking 3’s like Dan “The Tan” Majerle.

14: Titans (1-1): Did I just see Kerry Collins squaring off with Charlie Batch? When did these teams outfit their buses with flux capacitors?

15. Redskins (1-1): First the Dallas Cowboys then the Houston Texans? Who’s next on the Redskins schedule? The Austin Injunmaulers?

16. Chiefs (2-0): Say you’ve got this buddy. Totally average. Not smart, not funny, not much to look at. One night, he manages to score a model-quality hottie with kegels like lips on a juvenile squid. A week later, he’s back to bumpin’ uglies with a 3. Now, even though the new girl looks like Steve Phillips’ mistress, she still kind of validates the original conquest, right?

17. 49ers (0-2): 0-2 team most likely to make the playoffs. They’re not any better than the Vikings or Cowboys, but winning the NFC West is about as hard as Superman in a kryptonite cockring.

18. Cowboys (0-2): If the Cowboys lose next week at Houston, Jerry Jones will need a Botox injection every time he gets nostalgic for the days when he knew how to smile.

19. Giants (1-1): Dwight Freeney beat David Diehl like a Sunday morning boner.

20. Eagles (1-1): You don’t bench a quarterback with a 105 passer rating. I don’t care if he did smuggle weed, torture animals, and knowingly herpefy an innocent quim. Hell, I don’t care if he smuggled weed inside a tortured animal whose quim he then knowingly herpefied! You don’t bench a quarterback with a 105 passer rating.

21. Broncos (1-1): The Broncos are 11-0 in recent home openers. That’s an Arrowhead-in-December, Favre-in-sub-freezing-weather kind of lock. I guess what I’m saying is that one day I’ll be able to use this stat to my advantage in losing a large sum of money.

22. Vikings (0-2): Harvin injury could make Vike’s wideouts the thinnest core this side of Kiera Knightley.

23. Jaguars (1-1): David Garrard can’t tell if he’s a kingpin or a pauper.

24. Buccaneers (2-0): Cleveland and Carolina contributed to a hot start, but Steelers, Bengals, and Saints should separate wheat from chaff. And these dudes are all chaff.

25. Seahawks (1-1): Masselbeck led some nice drives but failed to punctuate and theres nothing worse than failure to punctuate

26. Cardinals (1-1): Not unlike a post-cunnilingus Altoid, a visit from the Raiders helps chase that taste out of your mouth. I used that exact same line referring to the Cardinals last week, but fuggit. It’s a damn good line.

27. Raiders (1-1): Oakland defeated St. Louis 16-14 and Bruce Gradkowski was named MVP of ToiletBowl XLV.

28. Panthers (0-2): If you’re not excited about the Jimmy Clausen era of Carolina Panthers football then you’re not Jimmy Clausen.

29. Lions (0-2): Looks like Jahvid Best is a legit weapon in the run game. Now, if only they can learn to block and cover and tackle people, the Lions might rack up some W’s.

30. Browns (0-2): The Browns are 1-11 in recent home openers. Why don’t you just win at HOME?! That’s your HOME! Are you too good for your HOME?!

31. Bills (0-2): Headline: Chan’s Clan Also Ran

32. Rams (0-2): This team just really f*cking sucks.

Swarm! You're back dude - going to the Bears Jets game?

[justincredible]

25. Seahawks (1-1): Masselbeck led some nice drives but failed to punctuate and theres nothing worse than failure to punctuate

28. Panthers (0-2): If you’re not excited about the Jimmy Clausen era of Carolina Panthers football then you’re not Jimmy Clausen.

Well done.

[Green DNA]

Nice job swarm, welcome back. I figured you had died or something.

[Green DNA]

NFL Shower Rankings

Week 2

3. Packers (2-0): Clay Matthews is racking up sacks faster than a fulltime fluffer at a bukkake bonanza.

7. Jets (1-1): Nobody responds to adversity like the Jets, and I’m not talking about the win over New England. I’m talking about the delicious irony of placing their response to sexual misconduct allegations in the capable hands of one Woody Johnson. Woody Johnson! They couldn’t get Dick Hardcock on retainer?

19. Giants (1-1): Dwight Freeney beat David Diehl like a Sunday morning boner.

26. Cardinals (1-1): Not unlike a post-cunnilingus Altoid, a visit from the Raiders helps chase that taste out of your mouth.

[shutout]

So awesome that you're back. By far THE BEST power rankings on the internet. I dare anyone to find anything that could even compare to these.

[onemanswarm]

Nice job swarm, welcome back. I figured you had died or something.

Can't imagine a better welcome back message. Makes me feel like Snake Plissken. Thanks for the great replies, all. Unfortunately, NJ, I won't be at the Bears Jets game. Even less fortunately for the Bears, I'm sure Revis will be.