onemanswarm Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Super Blow XLI Winners and Losers By The One-Man Swarm Winner: Without question, the biggest winner of the night was the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, presently known as Prince. From the Aunt Jemima turban to the silhouette Guitard-on, the man simply owned the stage, the crowd, and the televised audience. Losers: Everyone who watched the Cirque du Soleilm pre-game celebration without the benefit of a monster bong hit. Winner: Peyton Manning. A lot of people feel that the Super Bowl MVP should have been awarded to Josenic Rhoddai, who dismantled the Bears’ defense on the ground. What those people fail to realize is that Peyton Manning is the one who pretends to call all of those running plays in the first place. Winner: Tony Dungy. This victory will provide Dungy with the opportunity to receive requisite rest and intravenous nourishment. He can also exorcise any demons surviving from 2002, when Jon Gruden stole his players and his Super Bowl. Finally, if his refusal to attempt that 4th quarter field goal was any indication, Dungy also had the under in this game. Good call, Coach. Losers: The NFL, who announced the fate of the Super Bowl Championship t-shirts that would have been awarded to a victorious Chicago Bears’ team. Apparently, they were shipped off to Africa. Good. If there’s one thing a malnourished child can use above all else, it’s a t-shirt that was made for John St. Clair. Winner: Billy Joel, who braved the downpour and poured forth an emotional rendition of our national anthem. Chris Daughtry managed a single tear. Billy Joel’s whole face was soaked. You can’t teach that kind of showmanship. Loser: Billy Joel’s rain-soaked piano, warped beyond repair and on its way to Africa. The NFL cares. Winner: The Bud Light rock-paper-scissor commercial, which led off the Super Bowl advertisements and set the bar high. A little too high, judging by some of the competition. Even Budweiser’s load was shot. Loser: Every other Budweiser commercial. The wedding auctioneer, the Dalmatian, ‘No speak English,’ the talking gorillas, and the beach crabs were all indicative of this year’s most prolific problem: Insufficient payoff. Those ads started well enough, but utterly failed to hit the final mark. The fist-bump/face-slap spot came close, but there was so much wasted potential. Not one single co-ed slap? No slapping of the helplessly old? No variation in the sound effect? These are the very staples of face-slapping comedy! Winner: Devin Hester. If the Bears lose special teams coach Dave Taub during the off season, they should immediately replace him with Forrest Gump’s “Run that way” teammate from the University of Alabama. Loser: Rex Grossman didn’t do much to acquit himself after accusing some of his critics of ignorance. You certainly don’t need a PhD in Football Studies to recognize general suckitude. Interceptions will happen, but unless it was raining K-Y, there is no excuse for fumbled snaps. (Note: General Suckitude is easily recognized by the stars on his uniform and his striking resemblance to the actor who played Willie Tanner on Alf). Winner: Snickers. You gotta love any commercial that successfully combines elements of Lady and the Tramp, Brokeback Mountain, and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Loser: CBS broadcaster Phil Simms, whose game coverage was less objective than the N@ZI P.A. announcer in Victory. In the weeks leading up to SBXLI, it was clear that former-quarterbacks-turned-analysts like Simms, Marino, Young, Aikman, and Esiason were anxious to see Peyton Manning reach the summit of the NFL. It was equally clear that none of those men felt a special fondness for Rex Grossman. That’s fine when you’re producing a pre-game show or blogging for cbssportsline.com, where you are expected to be opinionated. However, when you are unable to suspend those emotions while calling the sport’s ultimate game for an audience of 90 million, then you simply do not belong in the booth. I don't care how much CBS is paying eem. Winner: Garmin, who paid homage to Spectre Man and nailed the payoff with the split second shot of the cheesy metal band that presumably performed the soundtrack. Winner: Speaking of cheesy metal bands, Colts’ guard Jake Scott took home the hardware for Athlete Most Resembling a Member of Krokus. Loser: Jake Scott was also named Athlete Most Resembling the Beard Combover dude from the Sierra Mist commercial. Loser: Edgerrin James. It turns out that lining up five yards behind Peyton Manning is good for a running back. Apparently, not 7.5 million USD good, but pretty good, nevertheless. Winner: General Motors, whose fired robot commercial was remarkably heart-wrenching. Not since Johnny 5 came alive has the nation sympathized that strongly with an automaton. Unless you count John Kerry. No disassemble, DNC! Winners: Emerald Nuts, who cast the criminally underappreciated Robert Goulet as a preternatural gremlin who preys on work-nappers. The commercial aired at 9:04 EST and within 90 seconds, a reported 17 million US viewers had impersonated Will Ferrell’s impersonation of Robert Goulet. GOUUULET! Losers: The Bears’ defense, which got gashed like a catering waitress at Shaq’s Super Bowl party. Winners: The marching band of Florida A&M University. It’s not every marching band that can pull off Tron-light piping on their uniforms. Losers: Everyone associated with the upcoming film Wild Hogs. Comedy event of the Spring?! I guarantee you’ll get more laughs reading Dick Vitale’s column during March Madness. How exactly does one employ the written word to elucidate the emotions inherent in a statement like, “OOoooOooOOOooOohh! OOOoOOOOoOOooOoOOhh!” Winner: Oprah Winfrey. Performing a promo for Late Night with David Letterman may ultimately go down as her most altruistic act. Winfrey, according to Jim Nantz, may ultimately go down on Nathan Vasher. Winner: Mr. Turkeyneck. It’s all about the payoff. Loser: Go Daddy and their lowest-common-denominator marketing campaign. We get it. You think we like cleavage. You’re probably right, but we also like creativity, and your Super Bowl ad was about as fresh as Mick Foley’s taint after a freelance hardcore match. Winners: The Indianapolis Colts, who demonstrated tremendous resilience in response to perennial setbacks. Their dedication and determination were never displayed more brilliantly than during this post season. They destroyed Kansas City, shocked Baltimore, avenged themselves against Bradichick, and ultimately hoisted the Lombardi in Miami. Like it or not, there is no more deserving coach, quarterback, or team than Mangy and the Colts. Losers: The Chicago Bears. Any sport fan worth his salt knows that there are some losses that really hurt. Like a shot to the sac, the ache is dull and builds slowly. The anticipation of the pain-to-come precedes the actual physical discomfort, torturing the mind with fear. The anguish swells in the gut and spreads like margarine on wheat, quick and smooth. It wrings your soul like a playground bully doling out a vicious Indian burn, and it doesn’t stop until you can barely bring yourself to draw that next breath, aware that the decision to extend your life is also a decision to extend the pain. Believe it or not, that pain is one of the great rewards of true fandom. It is agonizing, but at least it’s something. After the Bears’ uninspired effort, their fans were left feeling empty, craving the crippling sting they so richly deserved. Winners: Colt fans. To truly appreciate the sweet nectar of vicarious victory, one must drink repeatedly from the cup of vicarious defeat, which happens to be shaped like an oversized cat turd. It has litter pebbles stuck to it and everything. I’ve been drinking from the damn thing all day. Losers: The Bear fans who blame Rex Grossman exclusively and are calling for him to be demoted, traded, or cut. Not cut from the team, but actually physically shanked. Forget the fact that Grossman is the first Bears’ quarterback to start every game since the release of Jerky Boys: The Movie; let’s get Matt Schaub. Never mind that Rex became only the fourth quarterback in the 86-year history of the franchise to eclipse 3,000 passing yards; we should trade up to get JaMarcus Russell. Who cares that Grossman is the only Chicago Bears quarterback to win fifteen games in a single season? We oughta give that Kyle Orton another shot. Clearly, the city of Chicago is dizzy from endlessly riding this decades-long quarterback carousel. Prior to this season, the Bears had changed quarterbacks an astounding 30 times in 120 regular season games. That is an average of four starting quarterbacks every season for seven-and-a-half consecutive seasons. Or, to put it another way, the Bears essentially changed quarterbacks every four games between November of 1998 and the conclusion of the 2005 season. No wonder we lack patience. Rex had a great season. He also had a terrible season. That’s not uncommon for a quarterback playing in career games #10-28. He is only going to get better, and Bear fans have a choice. We can stand behind him despite his struggles and hope to reap the rewards. Or we can run him out of town and reap what we sow when Grossman returns to Soldier Field in green and gold. Keep in mind that prior to Sunday, a large population of NFL fans believed that Peyton Manning was incapable of winning a championship. Fortunately for Manning, they weren’t Colt fans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetCane Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Good stuff Onesman, though i thought Joel sang out of tune, and Simms was aight with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Losers: Everyone who watched the Cirque du Soleilm pre-game celebration without the benefit of a monster bong hit. I feel like i owe you some money for reading this. Get published already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garb Posted February 7, 2007 Share Posted February 7, 2007 Winner: ME! For betting the under in total sacks, total punts and final score. Cha-ching! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 potw nom.......great stuff swarmy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 loser- me I just started a thread asking where you were swarmy. egg all over the place. now max is gonna think I don't read his site much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitonti Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 winner onemanswarm for using the word taint Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Preston Howley III Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Super Blow XLI Winners and Losers By The One-Man Swarm Winner: Without question, the biggest winner of the night was the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, presently known as Prince. From the Aunt Jemima turban to the silhouette Guitard-on, the man simply owned the stage, the crowd, and the televised audience. Losers: Everyone who watched the Cirque du Soleilm pre-game celebration without the benefit of a monster bong hit. Prince was cool. I'm always down for 10 minutes of uninterupted guitar solo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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