stoicsentry Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Back 'Dat Talk Up A sequel to: Baltimore/Pitt: Not Personal. As a Jetnation.com writer, I'm pretty much famous. Just a couple months ago, my breakdown of the Jets-Packers game got re-tweeted by the official Dustin Keller fan club. What a huge step up compared to last year - when I couldn't get a simple "hello" from the "Theoretical High School Buddies of Matthew Mulligan Club." Why, if you google me up, I am one of the top 10 most discussed celebs named "Matt Keach." In... the... world. Look out Matt from Yuba, California, you're on my radar! I had done several successful fundraising appearances for the Widows & Orphans society, but that simply was not doing enough good for the world. So this week I decided to parlay my fame (and several Sanchize Dogs from TailGate Joe) into a closed door meeting with Rex Ryan and Antonio Cromartie. What follows is my interview with the two - and a couple other interviews with Jets coaches and staff (earned with more fame and hot dogs). Part I: Rex Ryan & Antonio Cromartie Me: Coach Ry- Rex: REVIS! Me: What? Rex: Reeeee-vis! Revis! Reeeeeeevis, Revis, Revis, Revis! G-damn, he's good, son! Cro [laughing at a text message, glancing at me]: Baby mamma drama, just mo' baby mamma drama. You know how I do. Rex [chuckling]: He do, he do a lot! Me: Okay... uh.. yeah, back on focus guys. I wanted to ask you about the trash talk that's been going on. Here's a list... [i hand Rex a list of nearly every ESPN 1050 and WFAN radio host]. All of these people, they've been saying, "The Jets have got to back up their talk on the field. If they lose, if they can't back it up, then they will really look like fools." How do you respond to those claims? Rex: You know, we were thinking, 'hell, all these media personalities said we have to win to back up our talk! We gotta win this game!', but then we realized, we never actually said we were going to! Me: No? Rex: No, those ****s are out of their minds. If you go back and look at all the transcripts, I never guaranteed victory. So we can lose and it will be all like, ah, **** it! But that doesn't mean we didn't back it up. Me: So, what are you gonna do? Cro: Well, we still gotta back our talk up - just nothin about victory, really. I told you Tom Brady was an ***hole, which we all know is true. I will probably be in man on man against Hernandez or suttin, but my main goal out on the field is gonna be - 'I gotta go out there and prove that Tom Brady is an ***hole!' So, that's my mission and that's my focus right now. And if I can play well defensively, that will just be bonus points. Booku bonus mothatrucka! Me: Antonio, how do you intend to prove Tom Brady is an ***hole? Cro: Look at that bastid's face, proves itself. Plus I flew in some lady that he stood up at high school prom. Used my man charms on her, she gonna testify what that punk is all about. Rex: Plus, Sal managed to tracked down someone who saw Brady steal candy from a baby. That's what he does, Sal. Digs up the goods. [i look surprised] Rex: What, did you think we actually had a strength and conditioning coach? Why the hell would you need a strength and conditioning coach, son?? What's he supposed to be doing all day - "Hey, linebacker, get stronger!, "Hey, shampoo alone won't cut it!" Are you kiddin me? Me: But conditioning is not-- Rex: REVIS! Me: Yes, Coach, Revis. Rex, about this being personal between you and Coach Belichick... Rex [grimacing]: Yes, absolutely personal. And, of course, Michael Kay told me that in order to avoid looking like a fool, I have to back it up. So, Cro is going to prove Brady is an ***hole, and my number one priority is proving that this game is personal between me and Bill. Me: But don't you want to win? Rex: Hell, what are you talking about! Of course I want to win - but like I said, Michael Kay has told me where my main priority has to lie, and that is this: I have to back up my talk. Me: How are you going to prove that this game is personal? Rex: Long, uncomfortable stares at Bill during the game. Dramatic background music. Potentially a wedgie when we go out for the handshake. No one thinks a wedgie is personal, until you get one! Plus, you know how Belichick is always cheatin by stealing our signs? Me: Well, yes... Rex: I got a new sign for him. Me, his daughter's feet... enough said. Cro [laughing]: You'se crazy Coach. Rex [singing]: Craaaaazy in love...feeet and Reeeeevis. Me: Thanks for the time guys, go Jets. Part II: Offensive Coordinator Brian Schottenheimer and.... a mystery guest A few more hot dog offerings were all it took to get Rex Ryan to pimp out his offensive coordinator for an interview. Here I was, face to face with the man, the genius.... and a little brown skinned boy? Me: Coach, pleasure to meet you. I wanted to ask you about gameplanning for the upcoming contest against your bitter rivals. Bring us through it, what is the first step you take to get ready for this kind of game? Shot: You have to trust your instincts, follow your gut. I like to spend this time getting more in touch with my players, getting to know them on a personal level. Me: Do you think that helps, being friendly with the players you coach? Shot: Absolutely. It really helps me make the right calls. I know who to go to, when, in what types of situations. In passing situations, I might go to Braylon. Running situations, maybe L.T. You know, it changes on a game to game basis. You have to be flexible. Me: Tell me more about that. How do you use flexibility as an offensive coordinator? Shot: Well, for one thing, you really want to give them a number of plays to pick from. Like, I can't just go out there and say, "Hey, Braylon, pick one of these two." Cause, you know, what if he doesn't want to run either of those plays? So, I like to give them 5 plays or so. Me: Wait, so you're saying you don't pick the plays? Shot [laughing]: What, are you kidding? That's a lot of responsibility. If our offense sucks, I don't want it to be entirely my fault. Just partly. My job as play caller is to pick which players pick the plays. Like, last week, I picked Braylon and you know what? He dialed up the exact right call for the situation! Bingo, big time catch, field goal, we beat the Colts. Me: Wow... and how did you know Braylon was the right choice in that situation? Shot: Didn't really. Just figured, either way, it gives me some room for denial if things go wrong. I think you saw at that time my maturity as a play caller. I had taken out 5 plays and Braylon didn't like any of them. Actually, no one on the offense liked a single one of them. Me: None of them? Shot: Yup. I was surprised! In a clutch situation like that with time running down, I was confident that they would love the fake double reverse with lots of motions. But, I didn't take it to heart. I simply said, "Ok, all 5 of my calls blow chunks and are borderline insane. Fine. So, you pick one." And he did, and there you go, nailed it. I have stepped up my game when it comes to recognizing my own incompetence, and I'm very proud of that. But I really couldn't do it without guys like Braylon or Mark saying, 'Hey, Shotty, you suck!'. So, I'm awfully humbled that they trust me to admit that I can't pick plays to save my life. Me: So you think you have made progress this season? Shot: Oh, absolutely. If you look at, well a number of signs that point to that. Like, Jake and Justin only picked me as the "Fool of the Week" for about three of our five losses this year. I'm not good at math, but that sounds better than last year's 7 out of 7. Me: Coach, uh.. I have been trying to ignore this, but... who is that and what is he doing here? [i point to the boy sitting next to him] Shot: Ah, yes, was waiting for you to notice him. I couldn't not suck half of the times that I don't suck without him, you can call him "Mr. Cat". Mr Cat: I'm dad's assistant. Assistant offensive coordinator. I help him pick the players who pick the play calls. Me: He's your son? Mr Cat: I'm dad's illegitimate Mexican love child. From a fling in Cancun. But I'm just as legitimate when it comes to my player picking play call abilities. Me: Nice to meet you, Mr. Cat. Thank you for helping your father start sucking less. I really liked that play action quarterback roll out against Pittsburgh! Mr Cat: That was me, yup. I picked Tanner Pardum, that time. Haha. I bet you your readers will start googling Tanner Pardum to find out who he is now. If you find out, let me know, cause we're not sure either and that dude keeps eating all the canned tuna. Anyway, he knew he was never going to get a chance to pick the play again so he got fun and creative. By extension, so did our offense. But I never could have done it without my dad trusting me enough to let me pick the person who picks the plays. So really, he's the genius here. Me: Thank you, fellas. Dial up something big for New England this week. Shot: Will do. We might see a Vlad Ducasse call, or I might even go to Josh Mauga for the answers this week! I'm going to get wild this go around. You think you know something about motion right now, just wait until you see how many guys I'm moving around on Sunday. Me [face in palm]: oh my god.... Part III: Quarterback Mark Sanchez Me: Mark, great to meet with you. I see you already have a hot dog, so... Sanchez [munching]: nom, nom, nom, nom. Me: Last time you were seen doing that was in a blowout win against Oakland. So, I take it you're feeling confident about your chances against the Patriots this week? Sanchez [giggling]: Oh yeah, real confident. [rolls eyes] You see me last week? I looked great, huh? Me: You did overthrow a few receivers, if that's what you mean. Sanchez: Dustin is still trying to catch up to one of the passes I threw at him last week. Me: So, Mark, how does your shoulder feel? Sanchez: Not as good as last week, unfortunately. Me: So, what is the strategy going into this game? Sanchez: To win, we [The Jets] are really going to need to keep the ball out of the quarterback's hands. You just can't risk letting a quarterback like that get a hold of the ball. He will kill you, absolutely kill you. Me: Right, Tom Brady is dangerous. Sanchez: I was talking about me. But, yeah, him too. I guess the only thing we [The Jets] have to fear is quarterbacks themselves. Me: Speaking of Tom Brady. Your teammate, cornerback Antonio Cromartie, made some disparaging comments. Called him an ***hole. What do you make of that? Sanchez: Can I just say, 'meeeeeeetro!'? I mean, the guy's a total flamer. I saw him once at Mamma Mia! on Broadway. That's like on FIRE flaming right there! Me: But, um, you were there too? Sanchez: That's true. However, number one, I never hid anything. You see that pic of me from USC with my shirt tied up? [laughing]. Number two, he wasn't just at the play, he was IN the play. Me: Really? Sanchez: Oh yea, front and center. Wearing a dress. Looks better than me in one, I'll give him that. [giggles] Me: I am feeling uncomfortable and must end this interview. Thanks. Sanchez: Gnarly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Oxoboxo Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Gay, unreadable post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoicsentry Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Gay, unreadable post. Tl;dr? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE ILK Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Now? Play it now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Oxoboxo Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Tl;dr? Not sure what that is supposed to mean. But, let me make this clear for you. Your original post was unreadable. And you are gay. Are we clear now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Klecko73isGod Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Should have cut it off after the Mr. Cat stuff. Every time Rex start shouting "REEEVIS!" I loled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stoicsentry Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Not sure what that is supposed to mean. But, let me make this clear for you. Your original post was unreadable. What was difficult for you, the one line sentences? The double spacing? The English language? And you are gay. I'm not particularly sure what enrages you so much. I have done a lot of things to piss people off before, but this is hardly one of them...lol. Just havin some fun, buddy. Lighten up. "Boring", "bland"? That's cool. Gay, though? Uncalled for. Are we clear now? Not really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theinlawjosie Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Lol! I think it was pretty damn good, I lol'ed a few times and it was definitely not "unreadable". I say good job sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxman Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Not sure what that is supposed to mean. But, let me make this clear for you. Your original post was unreadable. And you are gay. Are we clear now? Who are you? Why are you attacking so many people? Do you have a beef with us that we are unaware of? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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