SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says "fancy popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get shiit faced?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, Mr. that says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A guy walks up to a girl in a bar and asks, "Do you want to play magic?" "What's that?" she replies. Grinning a little, he continues, "You come back to my place, have sex, then disappear." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 One night, after a long evening of drinking. Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shiit out of her. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do? Turn it over! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A guy walks into a bar with a cork shoved up his arse. The Bartender asks him how it happened so the guys sighs and says: "Well, I was walking along the beach when I came across this magic lantern. I picked it up and started to brush off the dirt when all of a sudden this genie pops out. The genie told me I could have three wishes and I said.. No shiit!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 While making love, he says: - Darling, let's do 68! - 68??? What's that? - You do it to me and I'll owe you one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later. "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist. "Yup." "Where did he go?" "Your house." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him. "What is it?" sighs the president. "It Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his johnson in a vise. He secures it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop! You Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A guy goes to his doctor because he Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door. In walks her husband Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 The ambitious coach of a girls Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are sitting together in a bar in the Yukon. The Texan tosses back his shot of tequila, throws the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it to pieces. The other two, shocked, just stare at the Texan. He explains, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila." The New Yorker, not to be outdone, finishes his glass of wine, tosses the half-full bottle up in the air, pulls out a gun, and blows it apart. "Where I come from," he explains, "we have plenty of fine wine." The Boston guy slowly drinks the last drop of his beer, tosses the empty bottle in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the New Yorker between the eyes. He then catches the bottle on the way down. "Where I come from," he says slowly, "we never waste booze Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Q: Moms have Mother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Tommy O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a local brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Three couples Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A young couple is golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife slices her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walk up, knock on the door, and hear a voice say, "Come on in." Opening the door, they see glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people who broke my window?" The husband begins to apologize, but the man cuts him off. "Actually, I want to thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so they decide to play twenty questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess and, after a little pondering, comes up with "moose cocck." He tells his friend he’s ready to play. "OK," says the second Canadian. "Is it something good to eat?" The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it." The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cocck?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LoneStarLady Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 You may have seen this, as it's going around on email. --------------------- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A ****roach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories per hour. (Don't try this at home, maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the . . . ?!) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes, lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone! (and God love that pig!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another. As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too. An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too. A New Yorker swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too. An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too. A New Yorker swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmoe57 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 A man walks into a bar with a duck under his arm The bartender says " What is this a joke " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larz Posted January 17, 2009 Share Posted January 17, 2009 I actually L'd OL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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