onemanswarm Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 NFL Shower Rankings Week 4 Every Tuesday morning, I sit in the shower and meditate on the state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This week, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me. 1. Steelers (3-1): Happy “Check Your t!ts” Month from the NFL. 2. Jets (3-1): It’s that damn Sanchez. He’s so hot right now! 3. Ravens (3-1): Like a reliable booty call, Flacco came through late for the big score. 4. Falcons (3-1): Roddy Piper never victimized a guy’s backside that savagely. 5. Texans (3-1): Foster: Australian for Fantasy Steal. 6. Patriots (3-1): Dolphins cancel postgame meal at PF Chung’s. 7. Saints (3-1): How long has Quagmire been moonlighting as the Saints mascot? 8. Packers (3-1): More ironic: Black RB named Arian? Or White RB named Kuhn? 9. Colts (2-2): After a loss like that, it must feel good to call your opponents jags without getting fined. 10. Chargers (2-2): With Joe Frazier on the sideline, Shaun Phillips failed to pull off the Apollo Creed sack dance, shuffling feet and throwing fake hooks while yelling “You next, Joe!” 11. Bears (3-1): Most sacks on a Bear QB since the infamous Craig Krenzel Teabag Hazing of ’04. 12. Chiefs (3-0): Random Bye Week Observation: C3-PO would have a tough time calculating the odds of KC being the league’s last unbeaten. 13. Redskins (2-2): McNabb standing-O the most emotionally uplifting athlete reception since the Beacon High student body did the Wolf Dance. 14: Bengals (2-2): When the Browns sting that bad, you better check the paper for blood. 15. Titans (2-2): DC Chuck Cecil intends to appeal his $40K fine, utilizing the Maverick defense. Namely, he’ll claim that he was “Communicating. Keeping up foreign relations.” 16. Eagles (2-2): Vick injury would be more painful if I hadn’t already exhausted my Ron Mexico material. 17. Broncos (2-2): Not to be too math specific, but if Kyle Orton is your leading rusher, then your team has fewer dimensions than the convex uniform tilings of the Euclidean plane! 18. Giants (2-2): Giants improve to 27-0 against the spread the week after Tom Caughlin loses the team. 19. Dolphins (2-2): Special teams need special ed. 20. Cowboys (1-2): Random Bye Week Observation: Miller Lite and Miller High Life seem to be at odds with their ad campaigns. 21. Vikings (1-2): Random Bye Week Observation: Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder will reboot Superman with General Zod as villain. F*ck yeah? F*ck yeah! 22. Buccaneers (2-1): Random Bye Week Observation: The web is awash with irrefutable visual evidence that Chad Ochocinco owns a Dick Towel. 23. Jaguars (2-2): In the end, Peyton Manning’s face was almost as long as Josh Scobee’s leg. 24. Rams (2-2): S-Jax ran hard, despite his injured groin and the baby girl pacifier he was forced to use as a mouthguard. 25. Seahawks (2-2): Matt Hasselbeck spread the ball around to 10 different horsesh*t receivers. 26. Cardinals (2-2): I used to rob banks with a guy named Max Hall. 27. Browns (1-3): T.O. had 10 catches for 222 yards and a TD, but he would have traded it all for a win. Or a contract extension. Or a new TV series. Or the maternal attention he so desperately craved as a sad and lonely child. 28. Raiders (1-3): Raiders committed only 2 penalties. Are we finally seeing the results of having Referee Pitman as head coach? 29. 49ers (0-4): Jesus: “Hey Mike, listen. Would you mind taking off the giant cross necklace on Sundays? At least til you guys win a few? Kinda feel like it sends the wrong message.” 30. Lions (0-4): Jim Schwartz already hard at work designing a game plan for next week’s 1-point loss to the Rams. 31. Panthers (0-4): Jon Stewart launched his Rally to Restore Fantasy Relevance. 32. Bills (0-4): These guys give up points like a Weight Watchers washout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetsFanInDenver Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 This is a must read! I think the rankings are about right. Although i think the Pats should have been 7 or 8 and not 6. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hoping4ASuperBowl Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 I think you meant to switch 14 and 27. Other than that, this is hilarious! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vudu Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 lol 8. Packers (3-1): More ironic: Black RB named Arian? Or White RB named Kuhn? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Midget Love 20 Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 4. Falcons (3-1): Roddy Piper never victimized a guy’s backside that savagely. 6. Patriots (3-1): Dolphins cancel postgame meal at PF Chung’s. 8. Packers (3-1): More ironic: Black RB named Arian? Or White RB named Kuhn? 9. Colts (2-2): After a loss like that, it must feel good to call your opponents jags without getting fined. 11. Bears (3-1): Most sacks on a Bear QB since the infamous Craig Krenzel Teabag Hazing of ’04. 19. Dolphins (2-2): Special teams need special ed. 23. Jaguars (2-2): In the end, Peyton Manning’s face was almost as long as Josh Scobee’s leg. #8 POTW....it's so wrong, its right Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 I don't get it. Is Kuhn a black name? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE ILK Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 I don't get it. Is Kuhn a black name? Kuhn (pronounced coon) Get it yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxman Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 How is Baltimore behind the Steelers and Jets? They beat both teams? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 How is Baltimore behind the Steelers and Jets? They beat both teams? They beat the two teams by a combined what was it 4 points with neither starting QB playing. Now that the Jets have Sanchez and the Steelers are getting the Rapist back, Innes will avoid both locker rooms and the Ravens would probably lose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetsfan80 Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Stop questioning the rankings, people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted October 6, 2010 Author Share Posted October 6, 2010 I think you meant to switch 14 and 27. Other than that, this is hilarious! Nice catch. You're right. Thanks for the feedback everyone! Maybe I should adjust NE and MIN in light of the Moss deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bergen Jet Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 Nicely done as always! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larz Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 11. Bears (3-1): Most sacks on a Bear QB since the infamous Craig Krenzel Teabag Hazing of ’04. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THE ILK Posted October 7, 2010 Share Posted October 7, 2010 11. Bears (3-1): Most sacks on a Bear QB since the infamous Craig Krenzel Teabag Hazing of ’04. :D Winner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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