nj meadowlands Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/7117630 LSD, Madden '07 and me This past year my wife and I were dosed at a restaurant. By "dosed" I mean we were drugged. It was a Mexican restaurant that I won't name — but it rhymes with Tel Jurrito. Judging by the way the parking lot of the restaurant was breathing; we both guessed that it was LSD. We both initially panicked. We went home for safety. My wife had a tough time riding it out. I played Madden and it saved my life. Neither my wife nor I do drugs. Neither one of us knew what an acid trip was like, but on that afternoon in the San Fernando Valley, we found out in a hurry. It started shortly after we paid our bill and tipped 20 percent (always!). We both started to sweat and get nervous. My wife kept asking me if I thought it was hot in the restaurant, I told her yes and then started wondering, "How does she know that it's hot in the restaurant?!" I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Forty minutes later my wife stuck her head in the men's room and asked me if I was okay. Considering I was just sitting on the toilet, fully clothed, taking my pulse over and over again, I quickly surmised that I was not okay. We decided to go to the store on the way home and get something to drink. My wife grabbed a few bottles of Coke Zero and I grabbed a two-liter bottle of Sunkist. I held it toward the heavens and exclaimed, "Look how ORANGE this is!" Mrs. Mohr said, "I don't like it, it's hurting my eyes!" When I yelled back, "I want to swim in it!" we froze, looked each other in the eye and realized we needed to get home as quickly as possible. Not being able to tell the difference between taillights and red lights, I stopped for them both. Three hours into what was normally a 10-minute trip, we pulled into our driveway. My bride decided to crawl into bed and try and read a book. I broke out the Madden '07. I have always heard people who have done a lot of LSD say that you have to "ride the snake" and "don't let the snake ride you." I rode the snake all the way to The Meadowlands where I was the Jets playing at home against the Chiefs. It was a beautiful day for football. I was tripping my face off and the temperature was 52 degrees. As Mike Nugent launched the opening kickoff towards Dante Hall, my wife shouted from the bedroom, "Honey, how do you feel?" My answer was, "GREAT!" And I was. The Chiefs wore red and white and the Jets wore white and green. Shaun Ellis wore number 92 and Kerry Rhodes wore number 25. Just like in real life. A half hour later, I heard from the bedroom, "I am still kind of freaking out!" Not me. I was fine. Four hours into my first acid trip and I had found a safe place ... the Jets' huddle. Everything in this virtual world was just as I desperately needed it. Chad Pennington wore No. 10 and Laveranues Coles caught anything that was near him. All the plays in the playbook were the same as when I wasn't tripping and all the players were just how I remembered them. Adrian Jones was useless for pass blocking. Tight ends worked wonderfully for me in the red zone. And the Chiefs couldn't stop the run against a Pop Warner team. Pennington still had a weak arm and after he threw an interception I slammed my head set down on the ground and began screaming at the assistant coaches around me. As I started to ask Chad what the hell he was thinking, my wife hollered from the other room, 'Honey who are you yelling at?' I didn't really have an answer for her ... I meekly replied, "my coaches" and stared down at my fingers. Then I had a revelation! When you play Madden, your fingers are your coaches! Wow, was I HIGH! For the love of God, please go out and buy your Madden '08 Tuesday. It might save your life. You never know when you might get slipped a mickey and find yourself listening to the Black Crowes, white knuckling a 55-yard field goal attempt as the walls of your house melt around you. I am going to get my Madden tomorrow and I'm suddenly craving enchiladas. EA SPORTS, "Madden. Ride the snake." Best of lucky, Jay Mohr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
green_blood Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 I have written humorous and sarcastic stories before, but LSD from Mexican food and the article as a whole has been the best I have read in a while. Anyone read Time, the article comparing carbon credits to child abuse was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 I have written humorous and sarcastic stories before, but LSD from Mexican food and the article as a whole has been the best I have read in a while. Anyone read Time, the article comparing carbon credits to child abuse was great. i read this earlier today and meant to respond. Playing madden in that state would freak me out something fierce. one time i was playing with a friend, we were both in the clowds, i kept having lapses in memory forgetting how something was happening. I think iwas the bengals, everytime i scored i would just scream in celebration. i didn't realize what the score was, but i should have known since my friend was pretty bad at the game. once i came down from the high i saw the tv screen still had the game on. 77-0. god i'm an azzhole. only a jerk would celebrate 11 TD's as loud as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CobraVerde Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DireJet38 Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 Jay Mohr was tripping on his lost career. What a time in sports journalism when this clown gets a column on a major sports site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gainzo Posted August 16, 2007 Share Posted August 16, 2007 Jay Mohr was tripping on his lost career. What a time in sports journalism when this clown gets a column on a major sports site. Exactly. I didn't find that "article" funny at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Exactly. I didn't find that "article" funny at all. Same. I really don't get what he's trying to do with it. It's not funny, and his writing style seems very poor and dull to me, even if wasn't intended as a comedy piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DireJet38 Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Same. I really don't get what he's trying to do with it. It's not funny, and his writing style seems very poor and dull to me, even if wasn't intended as a comedy piece. He's a Jets fan. He's a comedian. He seems like a pretty classic guy. But stick to what you know. There's gotta be some reason he was booted from SI and ESPN ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 The one good thing about SI and ESPN is now there's less Mohr. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gainzo Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 The one good thing about SI and ESPN is now there's less Mohr. Jay Mohr = Dane Cook. Both of them are no talent hacks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Jay Mohr = Dane Cook. Both of them are no talent hacks. Action was a funny show. And...that's about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightCash Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Dane Cook the actor is a no talent hack definitely. Dane Cook the comedian is amazing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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