JOJOTOWNSELL Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Hysterical read, my fave part are the fan stories at the end http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-buffalo-bills-1724824323 Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Buffalo Bills Some people are fans of the Buffalo Bills. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Buffalo Bills. This 2015 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. Your team: The Buffalo Bills Your 2014 record: 9-7. REACH FOR GLORY! 1 As you recall, the most amusing thing about the Bills’ 2014 season was when head coach Doug Marrone exploited a contract loophole that guaranteed him $4 million just to leave the team. And the best part is that Marrone overplayed his hand, took the money, and waited for another head coaching job to come rolling in, only to end up marooned in Jacksonville as a lowly assistant. This is how it works in Buffalo: everyone ends up embarrassed. Only Doug Marrone could find a way to make an extra $4 million and still end up looking like a ******* idiot. Anyway, Marrone’s desertion allowed the Bills to fulfill their destiny by hiring this man… Your coach: HOW THE **** YOU DOIN’, BOYS?!!! “Listen men, I have one goal and one goal only, and that is to LEAD THE LEAGUE IN PUNCHING. No one is EVER out-punching us, you hear me? If they score, you punch them right in the dick. We will cockpunch our way to a ******* title! ARE YOU WITH ME?!” Only in Buffalo. Only Buffalo could Rex Ryan be welcomed as a conquering hero after averaging six wins per season over the past three years. I love Rex Ryan as much as the next fan, but a retread is a retread. Rex joins the seemingly endless list of retread coaches employed by the Bills: Wade Phillips, Chan Gailey, Joe Don Baker, etc. He just happens to be more fun than the rest of them. But you’re still only winning six games, man. Losing to New England doesn’t feel any better just because you made Tom Brady’s hand bleed. Also: Rex STILL doesn’t know sh*t about offense. It’s 2015, and this man is openly talking about running the ball 50 times a game. WITH LESEAN MCCOY! Does Rex know that’s not how you use LeSean McCoy? LeSean McCoy does his best work in space for a pass-first offense. The poor bastard is gonna get murdered by Week 3 all because Rex mistook him for Earl Campbell. sh*t, McCoy is hurt already! Does Rex even know what the quarterback of a team does? You guys are gonna love Rex and HATE his coaching. Your quarterback: Matt Cassel. Matt ******* Cassel. Matt Cassel. You traded for Matt Cassel. All that bold talk from Rex and look at your goddamn QB situation. You are going to miss Kyle Orton so, so badly… That’s about as good as it gets in Buffalo, kids. I picture the entire city fighting over a single old hamburger in an alleyway dumpster. By the way, Matt Cassel is far from your only option at QB this season. EJ Manuel is still around. Let’s see how EJ is progressing! Sounds about right. Bills fans are already talking themselves into Tyrod Taylor. That’s where we are, and it’s only August. Jesus. What’s new that sucks: Percy Harvin! IK Enemkpali! Richie Incognito! Aaron Kromer! They’re all here: hazers, punchers, convicts, rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, sh*t-kickers AND METHODISTS!!!!!!! This year, you won’t be able to tell the difference between the Bills fans punching each other in the parking lot and the Bills themselves. It’s gonna be fantastic. If the Bills can’t win, they may as well act like they’re in the second-lamest production ever of Suicide Squad. Offensively, McCoy is bound to score more often at his private orgies. Harvin hasn’t been a dangerous receiving threat in over four years. The team drafted Karlos “Mystery Nut Surgery” Williams to fill the hole left by all of C.J. Spiller’s injuries. New tight end Charles Clay will be picked up and dropped by your fantasy team 50 times over eight weeks. And in those rare moments when Buffalo QBs can accurately deliver the ball to Sammy Watkins, he will drop it. Also: Kiko Alonso was traded away for McCoy. Do not blow anyone for his jersey if offered. Report From Buffalo: Kiko Alonso Jersey Traded For Blowjob Sean from Buffalo claims to have witnessed a very unorthodox transaction before Sunday's game…Read more What has always sucked: As always, the Bills remain the saddest franchise in pro football. Imagine living in an Arctic Circle weather station year round. Now imagine having a random stranger visit you in the middle of winter. You’re elated, right? REAL HUMAN CONTACT. You’re just overjoyed someone finally found you. That’s Buffalo. Take any warm football body—Orton, Rex, whomever. In the regular NFL world, they’re average schmucks. In Buffalo, they are SAVIORS. It’s like they showed up at your igloo door with fresh candles and a barrel full of whale oil. People literally die at the Bills stadium. Half the home games need to be relocated during the season due to sudden onset Lake Effect sky avalanches. The new offensive line coach just beat the piss out of a kid over a lawn chair. The backup safety got his DMs doxxed by a porn star. J.J. Watt scores more TDs than their offense. Opposing fans troll them with laser pointers. The collective dignity of this team and this town was sold for a buck off Craigslist years ago… Christ. I don’t even know what to say anymore. The Bills are our eternal harvesters of sorrow. What might not suck: It’s Rex Ryan. You’ll play defense just well enough to wish you had an offense to go with it. 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JOJOTOWNSELL Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Matt The first game I had ever been to in 2012, I left my seats to use the restroom at halftime. After standing in line for 20 minutes with my bladder about to burst, I finally got into the bathroom, and it was PACKED to the brim. Immediately to my left, I see a young kid washing his hands (his parents, nowhere in sight). Next to this kid, a grown man who was fat and bearded with terrible tattoo’s and a Terrell Owens Bills Jersey was pissing into the very same sink as the child washing his hands. NO ONE SAID ANYTHING TO STOP THIS. The image of that poor kids face is forever burned into my memory. He looked terrified, confused, utterly disgusted and will likely need years of therapy to recover from the psychological damage this scene was causing. Yet, no one in there stopped it from happening. So, I yelled at this sh*tty excuse for a human, “Hey, what the **** are you doing, man?! You’re basically pissing on this poor kid!” He looks back drunkenly with one eye half closed, contorting his disgusting physique in my direction and yells; “Hey, Hey, Heyey!” and like a pack of mind warped sheep, the crowd of drunken Buffalonian men reply in unison with their cacophonous chant “LET’S GO BUFFALO!” This is my third year as a season ticket holder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JOJOTOWNSELL Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Zack: The new owner made his fortune in fracking. Randy: **** the Bills with a Rob Ford-sized dildo. Michael: I just got through hating our head coach when he was with the Jets, but have managed to tell myself I was mistaken and he’s really a genius just needing a fair shot. Bill: The Bills are playing the Jets in week 17. It is all but guaranteed that Rex Ryan and the 9-6 Bills will be playing Chan Gailey, Fitzmagic, and the 3-12 Jets in Buffalo with a win-and-you’re-in scenario and several chances at symbolically expunging past demons. They will lose by 38 points. Thomas: The British burned this city during the War of 1812- I am pissed they haven’t come back to finish the job. Matt: All 3 QBs have just as much a chance of starting all 16 games as they do getting cut before training camp ends. That doesn’t stop Tony in Cheektowaga from thinking we’re going to the Super Bowl this year. Jake: I’m 20 years old - 21 in November - and literally have no memory of ever watching my favorite team in a playoff game. Dan: All Bills fans have Stockholm Syndrome. I am honestly convinced that Greg Roman is going to scheme Tyrod Taylor into some hybrid of Colin Kaepernick, Joe Montana and Jesus Christ himself. **** JP Losman AJ: Every year with fresh, ill-fated optimism pumped in by our inept management, I feel like a paraplegic telling all my friends I’m going to climb Everest. BS: 23 Andy: I’ve never seen more people make complete pigs and asses and fools out of themselves more than at Bills games. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
southparkcpa Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 This thread is pure gold....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly12 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 That Bills fan is going to have a muddy finger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetBlue Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 That Bills fan is going to have a muddy finger. Hey he is just trying to keep his fingers warm... besides, it could be in the other,,, um, place, lol. I can think of worse places to put a finger or two on a cold winter day Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustInFudge Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Oh hey, look, another Bills/Rex thread. Neat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly12 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Hey he is just trying to keep his fingers warm... besides, it could be in the other,,, um, place, lol. I can think of worse places to put a finger or two on a cold winter day Im betting ass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetBlue Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Im betting ass Gross..... but he is a Bills fan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly12 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Gross..... but hey he is a Bills fan. Thats why I'm saying ass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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