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The Layman's Guide to Suicide

The last self-help book you'll ever need (unless you mess up - again), it's the Essential Handbook Guaranteed to Make Any Problem a Laughing Matter.

Nothing is worse than an ill-planned, haphazard, last-minute suicide.

First attempt, second attempt, last ditch effort, this tome (the book type, not the tomb type) explains all from proper suicide etiquette to advanced techniques and everything in between. It's a must-read for anyone contemplating the act, a nice book to leave on the coffee table, and a great attention getter.

This entire book is now online for FREE! Click to read.

Here's what you'll get and much more!

One quick read and you'll be laughing too hard to kill yourself. Written in clear and simple language for those in a rush but also who want to do it right, once you read this, you'll understand how much more is involved than simply method and technique (though method and technique play critical roles in other aspects like fashion and accessories).

Chapters:

Proper Suicide Etiquette (what you don't know can hurt)

Income-producing ideas (to help fund better Services)

Fashion Tips for the big day (based on technique)

A fill-in-the-blanks Suicide Note (with blame checkboxes)

Tips on writing your own Epitaph (fun at the services)

Fun and creative suggestions for your Eulogy

Advanced Techniques (if you have the time and energy)

'Quickies for the Poor' (for those strapped for cash)

A list of people and things to die for

How to place the blame on others (and let them know!)

How to have fun with your Will (we call it 'Will Power')

Tips on making your Services memorable & exciting!

Writing your own Epitaph (see some standouts below)

How (and when) to write and send your own obituary

What to do if you fail (and are capable of another attempt)

Much, much more (many more things to consider)

Can you afford to fail again? Don't take chances. Buy this book!

If you're contemplating suicide it's likely because you already failed... or maybe just are having a bad day (or life). That's OK. You probably didn't read The Layman's Guide to Suicide, or if you did, you skimmed.

Don't read 'The Layman's Guide' and chances are your attempt may be just that... an attempt. Then what? People are in such a rush, but haste makes waste. You probably won't be living in the comfort of your home and people will be asking all sorts of questions. You may lose self esteem. And you'll surely tire of trying to explain how you failed... again and again.

Don't go it alone, blame your demise on others! The book includes a handy tear-out Suicide Note with checkboxes covering every conceivable reason - spouse, relatives, pets, children and more... plus a 'write in your own reason' area just in case none apply.

Leave nothing to 'chance'. That's when you mess up! Even the section that contains the tear-out Suicide Note reminds you not to keep it near your body if your technique may destroy it. Did you consider that? Probably not.

Like The Layman's Guide to Suicide says: 'there's much more to suicide than just running out in the back yard and pulling the trigger'. It's messy, shows poor planning, is extremely inconsiderate, and shows how thoughtless you are (or were).

That's one of the reasons you need to read (not quickly skim through) but actually read The Layman's Guide to Suicide cover to cover. You probably skimmed all your life. Now is not the time! Read the book, do it right, or skip it altogether.

It's a 'quick read' that beginners won't be able to put down 'til the last minute.

Intentionally written in a simple, straightforward manner, The Layman's Guide to Suicide enables even the most confused and distraught to follow along with ease.

The Authors and publisher request that, should you still decide not to live, you have to promise us you will leave the book far from your intended remains. The book was written to cheer up even the most depressed and lawsuits and court appearances are not cheery.

Here are some things you'll learn:

Don't wait 'til the last minute!

Plan ahead and avoid the the risk of your having your wake, funeral and burial handled (and probably botched) by needlessly grieving family members or inept civil servants. If nothing else in your life has gone right, at least this can.

Don't run out in the backyard and jump the gun (so to speak).

Surely you may be anxious though lack of planning will almost undoubtedly result in a less-than-perfect affair in so many respects - all covered in the book.

Over and over this book will remind you not to be a loser. OK, so you may be a loser, (possibly that's your primary motive), but c'mon, a loser all your life? This could be your last chance to shine.

The differences (and similarities) between suicide techniques and methods.

This book helps you seamlessly blend technique with method to produce the best overall results. Why bother? The method you choose dictates the technique, and the technique often dictates the method. Mess up with either (technique or method) and the result may be 'less than perfect' (or worse yet, unexpected). Are you up for last-minute surprises at this critical point in your life? Probably not. The Layman's Guide to Suicide explains the basic differences in technique (and potential outcome) along with the similarities between technique and method. Read on and don't skim!

Make clean-up a snap - paramedics and coroners are people too.

Choose a technique that will result in a tidy disposal of your remains. It's rude to require others to have to scrape up (or worse yet have to scour the scene for) your scattered body parts.

Remember that Police, Firemen and Paramedics are people too. They see enough disgusting things without having to deal with the mess you leave!

Many techniques The Layman's Guide to Suicide provides include Fashion Tips based on technique and expected outcome. They minimize clean up, and many help insure your first attempt will be your last.

At least let someone know where you'll be.

Under Advanced Techniques we offer ideas that can make your method a real 'treasure hunt' but that's just for added fun. Generally, and few consider this important aspect, if no one ever finds your remains, you get no credit!

Certain techniques require metal ID tags. Others include profit-generating pay-per-call schemes to generate income for upgraded Services (we're speaking of your Services, of course).

Accommodate your Guest's Schedules.

People that care about you are busy (probably busier than you).

Timing is everything.

If you want a good turn out at your Services The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends you skip 'doing it' over the holidays (a busy time anyway), and try to schedule so that viewing (if applicable) and Services hours don't conflict with prime-time TV, football, bowling league nights, or vacations.

The Layman's Guide to Suicide includes tips on generating fun money for your services with creative Invitations.

You won't have fooled anyone so send out your own Invites 'just in time'.

You know just what you're doing and when, so why keep everyone else in the dark?

Send invitations with the place and time (at least). You could even prompt recipients to call your answering machine or voice mail for directions plus generate some fun money for the services with your own 900 pay-per-call phone number.

Don't be overzealous however. If you print and mail too far in advance these may end up spoiling all your plans.

Be sure to let people know who you were!

You'd be shocked at how many people forget to bring along proper ID. The result? No credit. No newspaper write up, no media coverage - is your name John Doe? We don't think so! But it may be if you rush off and forget this critical step, thoughtfully discussed in The Layman's Guide to Suicide.

It's ludicrous to think that anyone would go through all the trouble and not even be identified!

Finally you can get some of the credit you deserve.

Make sure the material you use for ID is capable of surviving your technique.

No, your driver's license (and your wallet for that matter) probably won't be readable after a fiery gas explosion (if that's your technique). Think about Technique and plan accordingly. The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends metal dog tags.

Etching your windshield is a thought, if you're sure your windshield will remain intact. Tattoos are a possibility, though they too may not be as 'readable' afterwards. Whatever you choose, keep in mind that you may not survive but your ID should.

Be sure to blame others (if applicable - usually is). Handy tear-out Note included!

The Layman's Guide to Suicide encourages you to write your own Suicide Note (to show off your writing skills), however, if in a rush, or spelling has always been a weak point, a handy fill-in-the-blanks tear-out Suicide Note is included. You simply check off who's to blame - your Spouse, Kids, Neighbor's Kids, Nagging Parents, Boss, Attorney, Stockbroker, Cell Mate, and possibly others. You can check as many as you like! Or don't like. That's probably the easy part. A fill-in section at the top also helps Authorities locate your remains.

It's the only part that's fast and easy. The rest you have to work at.

Wear the right clothing - and accessorize.

It's all a matter of common sense, taste, and technique. The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends: If you're taking the hair dryer into the tub with you (covered in the chapter titled 'Quickies for the Poor'), by all means wear that gold, silver or platinum jewelry you've been saving for a special occasion (better conductors - plus you'll look your best).

In an advanced technique for the nature lover titled 'Taking Lightning into your Own Hands', The Layman's Guide to Suicide recommends bringing along a sturdy aluminum umbrella. Not only will this keep you dry, but, as an accessory, it 'works'. The book does caution that lightning is 'powerful stuff' and a single bolt can 'make high tension wires seem like static electricity.'

If you anticipate being 'pulled apart' The Layman's Guide to Suicide suggests you wear something 'that keeps you together' - like a tight-fitting full body wet suit for example.

The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers plenty of fashion ideas, most based on intended technique. Clothing, accessories and method all go hand in hand.

Be sure to shut off the utilities... or keep them on... and more.

Unless you need to keep gas on for your intended technique, call and have it shut off. Bummer if you planned on 'going by gas', you drop the match in, nothing happens. Tell the gas company you're moving but not sure of the forwarding address. Same with the phone and electric, (unless you've chosen to direct guests to the location of your remains or your Services with voice mail).

Think about leaving the Cable on if you plan on leaving the house in one piece. It's considerate for all the 'after-the-fact visitors', and there may be many.

Let your pets out - unless they're coming along with.

Leave them plenty of food and water - at least enough to last until a friend or relative, or Animal Control comes to get them. Must they suffer too? If they're coming with, or were one or more of your reasons, bring plenty of food and water, plus their favorite toys. But think twice about the pets. What did they do? Mess up the carpet once? Don't be petty.

If you plan on 'bringing pets with'...

...The Layman's Guide to Suicide offers one Advanced Technique based on pre-loading the back seat of your car with neighborhood pets and cement blocks, using a quality radar detector, avoiding being pulled over 'on the way', and discusses a bridge abutment or other large, heavy, inanimate object that might 'get in your way'.

However, do not even think of trying this before buying the book to learn exactly how. Causes incredible confusion at 'the scene'. Guarantees local media coverage. You could be coast to coast - Nightly News - but you have to read to learn exactly how. This is not for beginners and can be dangerous.

You thought suicide was a slam dunk right? Wrong.

The Layman's Guide to Suicide even tells you how to deal with the Funeral Director (your own) without 'letting on' who the Services are for. Show a little too much excitement and you'll arouse suspicion. Most don't understand 'pre-need' the way you intend it.

Also be wary of unscrupulous funeral planners to avoid ending up in 'Potter's Field' without the extravagant Services you may have planned - and likely put a hefty cash deposit on! Ripped off - possibly not the first time - and now no recourse. Or worse yet, in the asylum. Read The Layman's Guide to Suicide if you plan on doing any of this right.

Practice, practice, practice.

Don't run and do it simply because you 'think you can', you read about it, or 'my friend did it ok'. Practice and hone your skills. Though it's the cheapest and often most unreliable method (many quit halfway), there's a life-size paper cut-out razor blade in the book for those who want to practice first. Boring, not recommended, messy and haphazard.

Videotape your own Eulogy for your own Services.

Why let everyone else talk about you afterwards when you can do it yourself? With modern technology and some pre-planning, you can talk about people and keep them entertained, right at your own Services! Opportunities abound. Be creative. Think ahead of who your guests will be and personalize. You'll be the Star of this affair with all eyes on you, if you do it right.

Join in at the party (Funeral Party) by being 'live' (albeit tape-delayed) at your own Funeral (sort of - at least on big screens scattered around your plot). When you say 'dig in' they'll know you're not talking about the food! Of course 'live' is a bit of a paradox but it's fun to superimpose on the screen.

Tell jokes, get a little karaoke going, call out guest's names, lay the guilt trip on a few if you'd like, and make it an event everyone will remember! C'mon, you're the host, it's your last hurrah, have a little fun. - tape delayed. Sell VHS copies to offset production costs or to pay back the credit card company for the big screen TVs you'll need to rent or buy. You might even make DVDs for your own lasting Memorial. Every technique in the book is rated for potential Media Coverage and Spectator Value.

Taking The Train

ADVANCED TECHNIQUE

CAUTION - MAY WILL CAUSE SEVERE INJURY

Refer to the consumer guide to find the subcompact which failed all the government crash tests. Next, rather than simply 'accepting' the common broadside, completely remove the tires and the front bumper, drive up and onto the tracks, and head directly towards the train (see illustration - that's you in the middle headed directly towards the oncoming train).

Don

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upp

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up

[Irish Jet]

Fail

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so it's kinda like your life?

[Thai Jet]

Fail

How pathetic is he that he has to bump his own thread ?