onemanswarm Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (9-0): Now I see why Billichick is partial to hoodies. In a golf shirt, he makes Phil Mickelson look like an A-Cup. "I'm T*ts McGee." 2. Indianapolis Colts (7-1): I'm disappointed in the Colts. They pump in artificial sound the whole game, yet still can't give me an Imperial March when Bradichick leaves the field. 3. Dallas Cowboys (7-1): Ryan Seacrest claims that Britney Spears gave Tony Romo a lap dance. Wade Phillips claims that Britney Spears stole dance moves from his daughter. You connect the dots. 4. Green Bay Packers (7-1): If Favre keeps this up, Don Majkowski may have to find a new nickname. 5. Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2): James Harrison's stats: 9 tackles, 3.5 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, a fumble recovery, and an interception. And that doesn't even account for the fact that he was hitting people like black Bobby Boucher. Who you callin' Water boy? 6. New York Giants (6-2): Random Bye-Week Feigned Indignation: Dog the Bounty Hunter is a biggot?! That's the last time I depend on a pseudo-Polynesian manhunter with hair like a Houston housefrau to engender racial harmony amongst the peoples of the world! 7. Tennessee Titans (6-2): Albert Haynesworth is playing well enough to make people forget that he stomped on the bare face of an opponent last year. Well, almost. 8. Detroit Lions (6-2): Shaun Rogers put the exclamation point on this game, picking off a Patrick Ramsey pass, then unhooking his jaw and swallowing Selvin Young en route to the end zone. 9. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-3): Hang this loss on the Jags secondary, who got passed on more than the Sea Captain at the Springfield bachelor auction. "Yarrgh, I'm not attractive." 10. Baltimore Ravens (4-4): The Ravens offense gained 312 feet in this game. Feet! Feet! 11. Washington Redskins (5-3): I haven't seen skins run like that since I bought a pack of defective Zig-Zags. 12. New Orleans Saints (4-4): The Saints are hotter than Jessica Alba in an Afghan. Not like an old knitted blanket, but trapped inside an actual person from Afghanistan. Like Luke in the ton ton. 13. San Diego Chargers (4-4): The Chargers gave up more long runs than a Mexicali outhouse. 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-4): The Bucs almost gave this one away with a botched snap in the victory formation. If only there was some way to encourage Jeff Garcia to keep his hands nestled all warm and safe where he can feel his center winking. 15. Cleveland Browns (5-3): The last time Jamal Lewis scored four times in a day, he was breaking in a new cellmate. 16. Seattle Seahawks (4-4): Yawn Alexander had another rough day, out-gained on the ground by the quarterback combo of Masselbeck and Danderson. 17. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4): What has become of the Arrowhead mystique? If only my wife gave it up that easily at home. 18. Buffalo Bills (4-4): Actual buffalo wish they could stage a comeback like that. 19. Houston Texans (4-5): I got stuck watching the Colts and Pats when I could have seen McCown vs. Rosenfels? That's marquis material! The flex schedule can't get here soon enough. 20. Carolina Panthers (4-4): The quarterback carousel of Fake Delhommes isn't getting it done. 21. Denver Broncos (3-5): 44-7 Detroit?! Jim Kelly, lensed in exotic Thailand, never whipped horses that hard. Trust me. Don't see it. Not ever. 22. Minnesota Vikings (3-5): Congratulations to Adrian Peterson, the first rookie since Bo Jackson to become a Tecmo Bowl legend. 23. Philadelphia Eagles (3-5): Rough week for Andy Reid. At least he doesn't have to look very far if he feels like erasing the memories. 24. Arizona Cardinals (3-5): Come on, 23 rushing yards? Mark Cuban had better footwork. 25. Chicago Bears (3-5): Random Bye-Week Shoutout: Stephen Gammell, the guy who illustrated the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. That dude could slap a sketch on a c0cktail napkin and make a grown man fill his pants. I want my entire world to look like a Stephen Gammell illustration. 26. San Francisco 49ers (2-6): The Niners haven't seen a skid this long since their laundry staff discovered the power of bleach alternative. 27. Cincinnati Bengals (2-6): It's these kinds of losses that make it so difficult for Marvin Lewis to enjoy his final season as Bengals head coach. 28. Oakland Raiders (2-6): It could be worse. You could be Bill Callahan. 29. Atlanta Falcons (2-6): That was the biggest win for Atlanta since losing the man. The man who led them. The man who served as the face of the entire team. The man who put the 'con' in Falcon. 30. New York Jets (1-8): The Jets look snake-bit. And not some p*ssy ribbon snake, either. We're talking Mike Madsen mamba to the mug, a la Kill Bill 2. 31. St. Louis Rams (0-8): Random Bye-Week Movie Quote Trivia: "I'm a criminal. My word don't mean d*ck." 32: Miami Dolphins (0-8): Random Bye-Week Suggestion: If Hayden Panettiere wants to prevent the slaughter of dolphins, she doesn't need to go all the way to Japan. There's a football team in Miami that shares her same sense of porpoise. Oh! *rimshot* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irish Jet Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Rough week for Andy Reid. At least he doesn't have to look very far if he feels like erasing the memories :rl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-Rhodes25 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 15. Cleveland Browns (5-3): The last time Jamal Lewis scored four times in a day, he was breaking in a new cellmate. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetLee83 Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 I love your reasons after, but hate your rankings. Baltimore 10?? Why does everyone keep living off their 2000 season? The Ravens are bad, just bad. They came here, and got smoked, by a rookie QB, then got embarassed even worse last season. Also lost to the awful Bungles. They are bad, no way top 10, not a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pauliec Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 LOL, hilarious. And that Stephen Gammell picture brings back memories of reading from that book while camping and scaring the sh*t out of myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackout Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 cleveland 15??? bs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 12. New Orleans Saints (4-4): The Saints are hotter than Jessica Alba in an Afghan. Not like an old knitted blanket, but trapped inside an actual person from Afghanistan. Like Luke in the ton ton. :rl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 17. Kansas City Chiefs (4-4): What has become of the Arrowhead mystique? If only my wife gave it up that easily at home :rl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Walken...things to do in Denver .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irish Jet Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 These things make my Tuesday. They are awesome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetCane Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 11. Washington Redskins (5-3): I haven't seen skins run like that since I bought a pack of defective Zig-Zags. LOL Gotta go with: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackout Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 redskins and ravens in the top 12? wow what a reach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StillerPaul Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Excellent read. Good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 oh my God i'm in stitches! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 I love your reasons after, but hate your rankings. Baltimore 10?? Why does everyone keep living off their 2000 season? The Ravens are bad, just bad. They came here, and got smoked, by a rookie QB, then got embarassed even worse last season. Also lost to the awful Bungles. They are bad, no way top 10, not a chance. You are so right. I can't believe I have those ancient assh*les that high. It's inexcuseable. If I could retract that ranking right now, I absolutely would. There's at least 6 more teams that are better than that bogus bunch from Baltimore. Clearly, I need to devote more attention to the rankings, themselves. Thanks for calling me out on that bullsh*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVM Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Excellent read. Good job! Great as always. Whats up SP? Hows life, and how about ya boy Big Ben monday night? Think you boys will have anything for the Pats in foxboro? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVM Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 cleveland 15??? bs Have you watched many games this season? The whole league, other than maybe 4 elite teams, is down. Real down. Cleveland may very well be top 12, and not because they're that good. Because everyone else is that bad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Have you watched many games this season? The whole league, other than maybe 4 elite teams, is down. Real down. Cleveland may very well be top 12, and not because they're that good. Because everyone else is that bad That's true. Part of the problem of ranking these teams is that 26 of them have about as much chance of a Super Bowl appearance as Janet Jackson's armor clad t*t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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