onemanswarm Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (4-0): Was Randy Moss sporting a beard, or did John Randle help apply his eye black? 2. Indianapolis Colts (4-0): The Colts served New England this week, scoring 38 points in an act of brazen mockery. 38 is the Patriot’s number! Scoring 38 points before the Patriots have had their chance to score 38 points is like Captain McCluskey stealing on Michael Corleone. There will be consequences. "It's not personal, Dungy. It's strictly business." 3. Dallas Cowboys (4-0): When they rate Tomo’s escapability for Madden 09, it had better be up there with the all-time greats like Michael Vick, Steve Young, and QB Eagles. 4. Green Bay Packers (4-0): It takes a lot more than 420 to satisfy a recovering Vicodin addict. 5. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-1): I wouldn’t go so far as to call Troy Polamalu soft. He’s got an abdomen injury, but what’s the brother gonna do? He’s Samoan. 6. TampaBay Buccaneers (3-1): It is with solemn heart that I present this, the final Pontiac Williams joke of the 2007 season. Thank God Jeff Garcia is healthy. And gay. R. I. P. 7. San Francisco 49ers (2-2): Is there anything more gut-wrenching than watching an up-and-coming team hand its reins to Trent Dilfer? It’s like building a house of cards for Guinness consideration, then hiring Detective Nordberg to guard it while you’re gone. 8. Tennessee Titans (2-1): Q: Is there anything less necessary than a Week 4 bye providing extra time to prepare for Joey Harrington? 9. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-1): A: Yes. A Week 4 bye providing extra time to prepare for Damon Huard. 10. Baltimore Ravens (2-2): Willis McGahee averaged 8.5 yards per touch, but that didn’t stop Steve McNair from chucking it more than George Costanza in a pickup game. "Oh, you're a chucker." 11. Denver Broncos (2-2): For the second week in a row, the Broncos’ defense got trampled like a fat dude in Pamplona. 12. Seattle Seahawks (2-2): The Seahawks’ gameplan so thoroughly baffled San Francisco that a league investigation committee has been called upon to determine whether it was authored by The Zodiac. 13. Houston Texans (2-2): The Texans made a late run at the comeback, but replay conclusively showed that Donnie Darko’s knee touched at the one. 14. Washington Redskins (2-1): The McCardell signing cinches it. Washington is where bad receivers go to die. 15. Carolina Panthers (2-2): David Carr’s jagoff haircut filled in admirably for Jake Delhomme. The same cannot be said for Carr’s arm. 16. Detroit Lions (3-1): You know that feeling when you’re watching your terrible team lose to another terrible team that you thought was even more terrible than your terrible team and you just want to gnaw your hands off and bleed out? I do. 17. New York Giants (2-2): Osi Umenyiora had more sacks than try-out night at Chippendales. 18. San Diego Chargers (1-3): In the waning moments of the game, Charger fans began chanting “Marty! Marty!” You stay classy, San Diego. 19. Chicago Bears (1-3): Cedric Benson needs a couple of triggers and a triangle to complement his well-worn ‘x’ button. "You mean there's other moves besides speed burst?" 20. New York Jets (1-3): Nice one, Mangini. How are Jet fans going to complain about the Marino fake spike play after you had Chennington do the same thing?! 21. Cincinnati Bengals (1-3): The Bengals got blown out harder than Pam Anderson’s wizard sleeve. 22. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3): I’ve never seen pass protection that bad. McNabb didn’t get sacked. He got teabagged. Osi kicked off a big night with a Rusty Trombone. 23. Cleveland Browns (2-2): Congratulations, Kellen Winslow, recipient of the Martin Riggs Award for Shoulder Dislocation Recovery. 24. Arizona Cardinals (2-2): Running back by committee is bad enough, but if this musical quarterback thing takes off, it could absolutely destroy fantasy football as we know it. Whisenhunt must be stopped! 25. Oakland Raiders (2-2): A lightning delay didn’t dampen Daunte’s desire to destroy the dreadful Dolphins. 26. Kansas City Chiefs (2-2): Don't look now, but the Chiefs have a two game winning streak. Alright, you can look. They're still bad. 27. New Orleans Saints (0-3): The Saints didn't lose this week! Carr-olina: The opponent favored by winless teams on the Schneid. 28. Minnesota Vikings (1-3): Sydney Rice looks like a bona fide weapon in an otherwise sissified passing attack. 29. Buffalo Bills (1-3): Trent Edwards spread the ball to six different receivers en route to a 98.5 passer rating and the Bills’ first win of the season. I don’t think it constitutes hyperbole if I dub this the most memorable debut since Patrick Swayze’s portrayal of Ace Johnson in Skatetown, U.S.A. Starring Chachi and Marcia Brady, the film, billed as “The Rock and Roller Disco Movie of the Year [1979],” is every bit as bad as you think. It should go without saying that Swayze is wet sex on wheels. 30. Atlanta Falcons (1-3): Joey Harrington spread the ball to seven different receivers en route to a 122 passer rating and the Falcon’s first win of the season. Unfortunately, it wasn’t his debut, so we’ll have to compare this performance to that of Mark Linn-Baker in Perfect Strangers. Solid, yes. But not nearly enough to elicit any real hope for future success. 31. St. Louis Rams (0-4): St. Louis Rams? More like St. Louis Clams. As in bearded clams. As in their team plays like a bunch of pee-flaps. 32: Miami Dolphins (0-4): Miami Dolphins? More like Miami Tuna. As in tuna taco. As in their team plays like a bunch of beefginas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Phenomenal as always. Some classics in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garb Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 I look forward to your stuff every week. Great job, per usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JetCane Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Hahaha great work. You know that feeling when you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green DNA Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Detroit Lions (3-1): You know that feeling when you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Take'er To The Zoo Rock Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Osi kicked off a big night with a Rusty Trombone. Very funny. Laughed like a crazy person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Detroit Lions (3-1): You know that feeling when you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PFSIKH Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Excellent job as usual. Your Lions take and the beefginas was classic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
124 Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 By far I think the best week so far this season! My favorites were: 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 16, 17, 20, 21 and 22. Keep up the great work man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NY JETS 29 Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 awesome job!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Very very generous placement of the Jets this week. I figured we'd be dwelling near the cellar. You must see something I don't in our crummy team. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alk Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 3. Dallas Cowboys (4-0): When they rate Tomo’s escapability for Madden 09, it had better be up there with the all-time greats like Michael Vick, Steve Young, and QB Eagles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 Nice! I was hoping someone would get that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
124 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Nice! I was hoping someone would get that one. Yeah, I didn't get it until Alk highlighted it and looked at it a few times. Hilarious once I could figure it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alk Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Nice! I was hoping someone would get that one. You know it. I'm old school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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