Maxman Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 I am told these are from George Carlin but I have no idea: New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards. New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait! They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show." New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands. New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 LOL nice, i thought for sure max would be slamming the turd thread (not a euphamism for mod mtgs) in here when i saw the thread title. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp sounds like they're from Bill Maher. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanDoug Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 Funny stuff. Saw Carlin recently on TV. He does the angry old guy thing really well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 I saw Carlin, live, last fall. I've been a fan of his forever. His show sucked. "New Rules" is a Bill Maher schtick. Good stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Al NYC Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 I am told these are from George Carlin but I have no idea: New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. Shhhhhh....don't tell JetHeelz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. I have to say, these wedding are getting flippin ridiculous. I've been in more than my fair share, and it sucks a little bit more every damn time. The last two i have ended up buying a 20 dollar bottle of wine, taking the brown paper bag and tapeing it shut. Throw it on the gift pile and call it a day. If i had to buy gifts for baby showers i'd give them the gift of the gernade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor99 Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 Funny stuff. Saw Carlin recently on TV. He does the angry old guy thing really well. I used to love him, but recently he's become a caricature. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 I have to say, these wedding are getting flippin ridiculous. I've been in more than my fair share, and it sucks a little bit more every damn time. The last two i have ended up buying a 20 dollar bottle of wine, taking the brown paper bag and tapeing it shut. Throw it on the gift pile and call it a day. If i had to buy gifts for baby showers i'd give them the gift of the gernade. when you get my invitation, feel free to throw it away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 when you get my invitation, feel free to throw it away. I apprecatiate that. The gesture is more than enough, this way i can spare the criminal record. Are you getting married? don't do it man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 I apprecatiate that. The gesture is more than enough, this way i can spare the criminal record. Are you getting married? don't do it man! if she gets my infraction report from max she may not show up!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 if she gets my infraction report from max she may not show up!! i'm tellin ya, its the best thing that could ever happen to you. other than a good romp with a super model, but being single is very close. actually, i'm second guessing this. I realize super models are hot and all, bla bla blah, but they are all about 6 foot or taller. I have to say i'd be more please with a playboy model that is of average height. some of those chicks are just knock outs, granted i would be happy to be a minute man with them, but if i could last two minutes??? oh man, heaven has been reached. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 i'm tellin ya, its the best thing that could ever happen to you. other than a good romp with a super model, but being single is very close. actually, i'm second guessing this. I realize super models are hot and all, bla bla blah, but they are all about 6 foot or taller. I have to say i'd be more please with a playboy model that is of average height. some of those chicks are just knock outs, granted i would be happy to be a minute man with them, but if i could last two minutes??? oh man, heaven has been reached. i used to think that. then i realized the rate i was going i'd be dead by 30. the love of a good woman will keep you young, they said. they are wrong. i sent her a pic of boss turd today. she was disgusted. here is her exact email: that is foul. they are going to ban you and i don't blame them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor99 Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 i used to think that. then i realized the rate i was going i'd be dead by 30. the love of a good woman will keep you young, they said. they are wrong. i sent her a pic of boss turd today. she was disgusted. here is her exact email: At least your kids will have half a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 At least your kids will have half a chance. thankfully i was smart enough to tell her my name was faba in case she lurks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 15, 2007 Share Posted June 15, 2007 i used to think that. then i realized the rate i was going i'd be dead by 30. the love of a good woman will keep you young, they said. they are wrong. i sent her a pic of boss turd today. she was disgusted. here is her exact email: IDK, in 40 year old virgin they made a funny point about him never having been laid, means he's never "had a she devil rip his life force out of him. Look at him. He's 10 years older than us, but looks like he's 10 years young"... some truth to that...maybe. but then again if the chick doesn't crap on you (figurativly shadowjet, tame that monkey sir) you might stay younger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BornJetsFan1983 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 These were great, so good in fact I might share them with some friends, well that is of course claiming them as my own Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 He was funny once upon a time when he was a comedian. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PFSIKH Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I saw Carlin, live, last fall. I've been a fan of his forever. His show sucked. "New Rules" is a Bill Maher schtick. Good stuff. I saw him about 20 years ago...he was doing the old guy thing then. Was a great show. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BleedinGreenNC Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 That was great!! Thanks for that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. :love0030: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GM Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I have to say, these wedding are getting flippin ridiculous. I've been in more than my fair share, and it sucks a little bit more every damn time. The last two i have ended up buying a 20 dollar bottle of wine, taking the brown paper bag and tapeing it shut. Throw it on the gift pile and call it a day. If i had to buy gifts for baby showers i'd give them the gift of the gernade. SO SOMEBODY INVITES YOU TO A WEDDING...LET'S BREAK THIS DOWN.... Most likely they spent $50-$100 per plate on you.... Tack on the free bar.... I guess your cheap ass wine is a good gift in Compton... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernJet Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I used to love him, but recently he's become a caricature. Gee Thor, I am a Jet sfan and old,, nuff said ,,oh by the way, Johnnys balls really are green,, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 SO SOMEBODY INVITES YOU TO A WEDDING...LET'S BREAK THIS DOWN.... Most likely they spent $50-$100 per plate on you.... Tack on the free bar.... I guess your cheap ass wine is a good gift in Compton... I know, and i feel bad about accepting these stupid invites to be in weddings, but i can't help it that i think they are a huge joke. You can see the brides getting more and more uptight that everyone be in stride, walk slow enough, the cake is yellow, not white, or whatever. It's an absolute joke to me. If you want to get married, find a nice hill with a view, get a priest, say i do, and hit the beer tent with a live band. Now that would be a wedding i'd be happy to be in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor99 Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Gee Thor, I am a Jet sfan and old,, nuff said ,,oh by the way, Johnnys balls really are green,, I know you're old. That's why we keep getting Ensure ads on the top of the page. I've actually met George a couple of times, my friend's father went to school with him. Whenever he would get drunk on the Upper West Side, he'd call the father to come help him get home. He was always nice enough to me. I really think his 'comedy' has fallen off immensely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 I know, and i feel bad about accepting these stupid invites to be in weddings, but i can't help it that i think they are a huge joke. You can see the brides getting more and more uptight that everyone be in stride, walk slow enough, the cake is yellow, not white, or whatever. It's an absolute joke to me. If you want to get married, find a nice hill with a view, get a priest, say i do, and hit the beer tent with a live band. Now that would be a wedding i'd be happy to be in. Forget the fact that people planned this huge event....and actually thought enough to invite you to share their day with them....you should be ashamed for going. When you fall in love....and want to marry her...you will only want people there to share it with you that want to be there...not people who are coming for free crab cakes...even if they're phenomenal! Damn you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 16, 2007 Share Posted June 16, 2007 Forget the fact that people planned this huge event....and actually thought enough to invite you to share their day with them....you should be ashamed for going. When you fall in love....and want to marry her...you will only want people there to share it with you that want to be there...not people who are coming for free crab cakes...even if they're phenomenal! Damn you! :1cry: yeah whoops to me for going, i feel awful. When it takes them over a 2 years to plan one days events, and all they are actually interested in, is the actual day...i don't think i feel too bad. If he didn't marry one of the worst people i'd ever met, i wouldn't care in the least...i guess i'm only speaking of the one, the others were fine, but still just a show. it happens when people date too long and are too much chicken chit to break it off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted June 17, 2007 Share Posted June 17, 2007 I know, and i feel bad about accepting these stupid invites to be in weddings, but i can't help it that i think they are a huge joke. You can see the brides getting more and more uptight that everyone be in stride, walk slow enough, the cake is yellow, not white, or whatever. It's an absolute joke to me. If you want to get married, find a nice hill with a view, get a priest, say i do, and hit the beer tent with a live band. Now that would be a wedding i'd be happy to be in. totally. I'd be in for that. get rid of the damn priest, though. just get married in the backyard, and then start the honeymoon and the passionate sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted June 18, 2007 Share Posted June 18, 2007 Gee Thor, I am a Jet sfan and old,, nuff said ,,oh by the way, Johnnys balls really are green,, green with envy at my huge **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted June 18, 2007 Share Posted June 18, 2007 :1cry: yeah whoops to me for going, i feel awful. When it takes them over a 2 years to plan one days events, and all they are actually interested in, is the actual day...i don't think i feel too bad. If he didn't marry one of the worst people i'd ever met, i wouldn't care in the least...i guess i'm only speaking of the one, the others were fine, but still just a show. it happens when people date too long and are too much chicken chit to break it off. I didn't really care,lol. just ****ing with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted June 18, 2007 Share Posted June 18, 2007 I didn't really care,lol. just ****ing with you. i'm very bitter about that wedding, the whole ordeal was just insane. I almost wish you knew this chick so you could join in hating this chick. ok, that's a strong word, but still, she sucks, and should be banished from being a human. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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