onemanswarm Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (9-0): Random Bye-Week Speculation: If Yoda had visible genitals, he wouldn't be quoted so often. 2. Dallas Cowboys (8-1): Another huge week for everyone's favorite male/male heterosexual supercouple, Tonell Rowens. "Ten seconds til shower time. Count it down with me. 9..8..7.." 3. Indianapolis Colts (7-2): That was like watching the Bizarro Colts. Six Bizarro Manning interceptions, two missed clutch field goals by Bizarro Vinatieri, and apparently, the Bizarro word for Marvin is "Craphonso." 4. Green Bay Packers (8-1): [Overheard during the broadcast] Dick Stockton: "This kid Ryan Grant runs harder than my wife!" "You're gonna have to work for that reference, but while I've got you here, do I look like Boggs from Shawshank Redemption if he spent his remaining days calling games for Fox instead of drinking meals through a straw?" 5. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-2): 16 Across: Number of consecutive Steeler wins over Browns or Number of Ferris Bueller absences at time of day off. 6. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-3): The Jags have figured out how to win with Quinn: have him hand the ball off to six different receivers. 7. Tennessee Titans (6-3): The development of Voung is being handicapped by the talent around him. Justin Gage? Ned Beatty had better receiving options in Deliverance. 8. New York Giants (6-3): The redcoats are bumming! "Nice thigh pads, All-State." 9. San Diego Chargers (5-4): Madden kept talking about the Colts having only 17 active players on offense. What I couldn't understand is why they only brought 8 for their coverage teams. 10. Detroit Lions (6-3): -18 rush yards?! Louie Anderson has a more productive running game. 11. Washington Redskins (5-4): The Skins played tough through three, then gave up 20 in the 4th. That's like the prude prom date playing prim and proper, then asking for the chocolate thunder while dancing to P.M. Dawn 12. Cleveland Browns (5-4): The Browns scored 21 points in the first half, but couldn't get a first down for the final 30 minutes. If Romeo Crennel is smart, it'll be the last time he reads from The Collected Works of Mahatma Ghandi at halftime. "Remember! An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." 13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-4): Random Bye-Week Person I Would Not Want to Be Right Now: Dr. Jan Adams, the quack plastic surgeon who killed Kanye's mom. Dude, change your name to Patch and don't ever take off the clown nose. 14. Seattle Seahawks (5-4): Is Masselbeck the only marketable bald, white athlete? 15. Buffalo Bills (5-4): At 5-4, the Bills would be leading three divisions in the NFL. Instead, they trail the fat cat Pats by 4 full games. More hard luck for limp Dick. 16. New Orleans Saints (4-5): The Saints nearly came back back from a 27-point 4th quarter deficit. That's some Hare and the Tortoise type of sh*t right there. 17. Denver Broncos (4-5): Denver's run defense looked good...against Priest Holmes' mummified remains. 18. Houston Texans (4-5): Random Bye-Week Countdown: 10 Days until six weeks of Christmas music inundation. 19. Kansas City Chiefs (4-5): The Chiefs continue to protect their house with all the bravado of a Chinese Crested. Chinese Crested with withered teet 20. Baltimore Ravens (4-5): [Overheard on Ray Lewis' new album] "Listen up, coach Brian Billick, this squad is ill sick, as in sick with no will. McNair givin' out picks and pick-sixes like they were dollar bills, while Willis' illness is fumblitis of the pill. Check please, waiter. Get out, see ya later. You'd be better off coaching for Al Davis and the Raiders with your style so old and tired like Ruth Bader. I got the whole team risin' up like traitors while you're gettin' pinned like Slater, waitin' to be saved by the bell. Playin' well? Not since Jamal was in his cell. What the hell? This offense is anemic like sickle cell!" 21. Chicago Bears (4-5): [Overheard in the huddle] Rex Grossman: "What d'ya say, boys? One last Sex Bomb to Berrian before they ship me to Detroit?" 22. Philadelphia Eagles (4-5): Brian Westbrook deserves a cool nickname. I nominate Ajax because he's coarse, all-purpose, and burns the skins. "Plus, he runs through wimps. Not from them." 23. Arizona Cardinals (4-5): Marcell Shipp had his best day as a Cardinal, rushing for zero yards on three attempts. 24. Carolina Panthers (4-5): The limiting factor of a coach's genius is the throwing arm of his starting quarterback. John Fox, agree or strongly agree? 25. Cincinnati Bengals (3-6): 7 field goals?! Shayne Graham was responsible for more ball-kicking than the third season of America's Funniest Home Videos. 26. Atlanta Falcons (3-6): The Falcons have strung together consecutive wins. If they can run off three or four more, Mike Vick might not electrocute them. 27. Minnesota Vikings (3-6): Adreterson is hurt and Tarvaris Jackson is back in at quarterback. #27 might be charitable. 28. San Francisco 49ers (2-7): After the game, Mike Nolan went home and microwaved his copy of Angels in the End Zone. 29. Oakland Raiders (2-7): Huggy Bear's kid got game! It's the proverbial apple and the tree. To be honest, proverbially is the only way I feel comfortable comparing a fictional pimp and real-life football player. "My son can run!" 30. New York Jets (1-8): Random Bye-Week Confucius Joke: Confucius say, "It take many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it." 31. St. Louis Rams (1-8): Yay! 32: Miami Dolphins (0-9): Boo! 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Irish Jet Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 As always. Brilliant stuff!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaspegs Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vanDoug Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Really good stuff!!! A little surprised Jets ahead of Rams. Ram offence looked real good Sunday and/or Saints D was real bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green DNA Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 11. Washington Redskins (5-4): The Skins played tough through three, then gave up 20 in the 4th. That's like the prude prom date playing prim and proper, then asking for the chocolate thunder while dancing to P.M. Dawn 23. Arizona Cardinals (4-5): Marcell Shipp had his best day as a Cardinal, rushing for zero yards on three attempts. :rl: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alk Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 22. Philadelphia Eagles (4-5): Brian Westbrook deserves a cool nickname. I nominate Ajax because he's coarse, all-purpose, and burns the skins. "Plus, he runs through wimps. Not from them." A Warriors reference is going to get a POTW NOM!! from me every time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJ Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 Another classic Swarm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pauliec Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 7. Tennessee Titans (6-3): The development of Voung is being handicapped by the talent around him. Justin Gage? Ned Beatty had better receiving options in Deliverance. LOL hahaha that is awful Great work on the rankings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 Another classic Swarm. Thanks. Are you actually an Illini fan, or just happy to see another crappy Big Ten team fall from favor? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted November 14, 2007 Share Posted November 14, 2007 awesome as always swarmy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted November 14, 2007 Author Share Posted November 14, 2007 A Warriors reference is going to get a POTW NOM!! from me every time. Thanks, my friend. Ajax thanks you, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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