Shower Rankings - Week 12

[onemanswarm]

Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. New England Patriots (10-0): Tom Brady beat the Bills like they were Matt Damon's dingus.

2. Dallas Cowboys (9-1): Tomo and T.O. hooked up for four scores in one hour. I'm not sure, but I think that makes T.O. an honorary blond starlet.

3. Indianapolis Colts (8-2): Colts Sneak Past Chiefs: Headline from Indianapolis or chapter title from Black Beauty II on DVD?

4. Green Bay Packers (9-1): Brett Favre can still play this game. Even if he does have dust in his balls.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-3): Don't look now, but the Jags are just one game behind Indianapolis in the AFC South. Okay, you can look now. Hey, what's that over there?

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3): This seemed somehow fitting:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=WTLGsEErWJY [NOTE: Sorry, I couldn't get the youtube wraps to work.]

7. New York Giants (7-3): You know your team had a good day when Madison Hedgec0ck scored a fantasy point. Hedgec0ck. Sounds like he could use some manscaping.

8. Tennessee Titans (6-4): The Titans surrendered more big plays than the Broadway strike.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-4): Jeff Garcia showed once again that he has a knack for getting balls in the hands of his playmakers.

10. Cleveland Browns (6-4): "The snap and hold, kick is up, it's got the distance aaaaand OH! It smacks the left upright, caroms off the back of the crossbar and hits squarely on Brian Billick's gonads!"

OOOHHHH, that's gotta hurt!

11.Seattle Seahawks (6-4): The Seahawks gave up 63 yards on Cedric Benson's first two carries. Fortunately for them, the Bears commit to the run like the Hef commits to the Girls Next Door.

12. Washington Redskins (5-5): You cannot allow a receiver to torch you for 173 yards and 4 touchdowns. I don't care if you have to hire Boy George to chain him in his basement, it cannot be allowed.

13. Detroit Lions (6-4): After spending every available team resource in the last six years on wide receivers, you finally found your two guys. Their names are Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson. Now tell Kitna to stop throwing to Shaun McFreakinDonald!

14. Houston Texans (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, the Houston Texans are in last place in their division.

15. Denver Broncos (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, the Denver Broncos are in first place in their division.

16.San Diego Chargers (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, the San Diego Chargers are tied with the Denver Broncos.

17. Arizona Cardinals (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, the Arizona Cardinals have matched their number of wins from each of the past two seasons.

18. Philadelphia Eagles (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, The Philadelphia Eagles have nearly matched their number of losses from last season.

19. Buffalo Bills (5-5): With a record of 5 wins and 5 losses, the Buffalo Bills have about as much chance of catching New England as I have selling Toys 'R' Us on a new line of toys called Lenny the Lead-Paint Lemur.

20. New Orleans Saints (4-6): Mario Williams got the best of Reggie Bush in this head-to-head match-up of highly scrutinized 2006 draft picks. And there were some other guys that played, too.

21. Chicago Bears (4-6): It's a fact. Chicago has more revolving doors than any other city. It's not a fact, but as far as I'm concerned, while Fred Miller is playing tackle for the Bears, their count is low by one.

22. Kansas City Chiefs (4-6): Kudos to Brodie Croyle. Aside from the Apollo, The RCA Dome may be the toughest place for a white kid to make his debut.

In a jam, Brodie could always bust out his Jon Heder impression.

23. Baltimore Ravens (4-6): With their season all but over, the Ravens have begun exploring new and creative ways to lose.

24. Minnesota Vikings (4-6): The Vikings' Chester Taylor nearly made the Vikings' Adrian Peterson look like the Bears' Adrian Peterson.

25. Carolina Panthers (4-6): The Panthers' Vinnie Testaverde made the Packers' Ol' Dust Balls look positively embryonic.

26. Atlanta Falcons (3-7): The Falcons' Byron Leftwich made the Falcons' Joey Harrington look like a...oh forget it. Harrington, Leftwich, what's the difference? You can't polish a turd.

27. Cincinnati Bengals (3-7): Carson Palmer threw two touchdown passes to Antrel Rolle, and had a third called back. Too bad Antrel Rolle is an Arizona Cardinal defensive back.

Antrel Rolle: Not a Bengal.

28. New York Jets (2-8): Thomas Jones became the first running back to bust a hundo on Pittsburgh in 35 games. Well played, Peeler.

29. Oakland Raiders (2-8): Daunte Culpepper looked pretty good in his return to the Metrodome. Better than his scrawny, wild-tossing doppleganger on the opposing sideline.

30. St. Louis Rams (2-8): 2 wins in a row. That's more than the defending NFC champs can say.

31. San Francisco 49ers (2-8): Buster Bowl XLII ended in a thrilling 13-9 non-decision for two unlucky teams.

32: Miami Dolphins (0-10): How fitting would it be if the reign of the insufferable '72 Dolphins was ended the same season their former team finished 0-16? Hey, my team is dead in the water. I have to have something to cheer for.

[nico002]

IMO we are better than the Bengals, Falcons, and Panthers.

And whats with posting a fact or a quite next to the ranking instead of actually explaining why you ranked the team there.

[Sperm Edwards]

IMO we are better than the Bengals, Falcons, and Panthers.

And whats with posting a fact or a quite next to the ranking instead of actually explaining why you ranked the team there.

[onemanswarm]

IMO we are better than the Bengals, Falcons, and Panthers.

And whats with posting a fact or a quite next to the ranking instead of actually explaining why you ranked the team there.

It's intended to be somewhat satirical. There's a dozen or more sites where you can find some self-appointed NFL expert who will gladly tell you why he ranked the teams in the order he chose. Personally, I think that you and I have every bit as much credibility when it comes to power rankings, so I decided to write my own every week.

Only, instead of opining that the Texans' offense is underrated with a healthy Matt Schaub, I would prefer to remind you that Najeh Davenport once pooped in a girl's closet, or that Powers Boothe is almost as good in Red Dawn as he is in Tombstone. The nice thing is, if you don't like it, I can recommend a bunch of sites that won't waste time trying to make you laugh.

Incidentally, the Jets may very well be better than the Bengals, Falcons and Panthers, but frankly, distinguishing between those four teams reminds me of choosing a meal from between four different kinds of turds.

[drago]

It's intended to be somewhat satirical. There's a dozen or more sites where you can find some self-appointed NFL expert who will gladly tell you why he ranked the teams in the order he chose. Personally, I think that you and I have every bit as much credibility when it comes to power rankings, so I decided to write my own every week.

Only, instead of opining that the Texans' offense is underrated with a healthy Matt Schaub, I would prefer to remind you that Najeh Davenport once pooped in a girl's closet, or that Powers Boothe is almost as good in Red Dawn as he is in Tombstone. The nice thing is, if you don't like it, I can recommend a bunch of sites that won't waste time trying to make you laugh.

Incidentally, the Jets may very well be better than the Bengals, Falcons and Panthers, but frankly, distinguishing between those four teams reminds me of choosing a meal from between four different kinds of turds.

pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Your posts rock, make sure you keep bringing them over here, or else we will all become Grossman fans and find you at your site.

Good work as always swarm.

BTW

Incidentally, the Jets may very well be better than the Bengals, Falcons and Panthers, but frankly, distinguishing between those four teams reminds me of choosing a meal from between four different kinds of turds.

F you Swarm!

[#27TheDominator]

Incidentally, the Jets may very well be better than the Bengals, Falcons and Panthers, but frankly, distinguishing between those four teams reminds me of choosing a meal from between four different kinds of turds.

So, you have experience in the area?

Powers Boothe is a scab! Michael Parks forever!!

[GM]

It's intended to be somewhat satirical. There's a dozen or more sites where you can find some self-appointed NFL expert who will gladly tell you why he ranked the teams in the order he chose. Personally, I think that you and I have every bit as much credibility when it comes to power rankings, so I decided to write my own every week.

Only, instead of opining that the Texans' offense is underrated with a healthy Matt Schaub, I would prefer to remind you that Najeh Davenport once pooped in a girl's closet, or that Powers Boothe is almost as good in Red Dawn as he is in Tombstone. The nice thing is, if you don't like it, I can recommend a bunch of sites that won't waste time trying to make you laugh.

Incidentally, the Jets may very well be better than the Bengals, Falcons and Panthers, but frankly, distinguishing between those four teams reminds me of choosing a meal from between four different kinds of turds.

POTW NOM!

[onemanswarm]

F you Swarm!

I deserve that. Anyway, it's not as if I couldn't just as easily lump the Bears in that same category. Just as well. What were they going to do? Go to the Super Bowl and get thrashed by the Pats like some Bizzaro Super Bowl XX?

[Bob]

Not your best overall week, Swarm, but some good stuff. The Brian Billick pic is great and I LOLed at "Antrel Rolle: Not a Bengal."

[onemanswarm]

Not your best overall week, Swarm, but some good stuff. The Brian Billick pic is great and I LOLed at "Antrel Rolle: Not a Bengal."

I appreciate the constructive criticism and could not agree more. I'm getting my ass kicked by a vicious cold and found it especially hard to come up with entries this week. Hopefully, I'll be back on the A-game for week 13.

[onemanswarm]

So, you have experience in the area?

Well, I did watch 2girls1cup

Powers Boothe is a scab!

Because he crossed a SAG picket line to accept an Emmy in 1980? Your memory is as long as it is unforgiving, my friend.

[Thor99]

Only, instead of opining that the Texans' offense is underrated with a healthy Matt Schaub, I would prefer to remind you that Najeh Davenport once pooped in a girl's closet, or that Powers Boothe is almost as good in Red Dawn as he is in Tombstone.

He was also very good in an underrated 'Frailty'.

Great job as always, swarm.

[Green DNA]

Good stuff. My personal favorites from this week:

7. New York Giants (7-3): You know your team had a good day when Madison Hedgec0ck scored a fantasy point. Hedgec0ck. Sounds like he could use some manscaping.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-4): Jeff Garcia showed once again that he has a knack for getting balls in the hands of his playmakers

22. Kansas City Chiefs (4-6): Kudos to Brodie Croyle. Aside from the Apollo, The RCA Dome may be the toughest place for a white kid to make his debut.

[#27TheDominator]

Well, I did watch 2girls1cup

I caught the highlight clip. I didn't know they actually made you choose between the turds though.

Because he crossed a SAG picket line to accept an Emmy in 1980? Your memory is as long as it is unforgiving, my friend.

Never forget! No justice, no peace!