onemanswarm Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (16-0): Tom Brady's numbers are enough to make a non-Patfan sick to his pants. 4,800 yards and 50 touchdowns. Fifty! With single-digit INT's, to boot. Whatan*sshole. 2. Indianapolis Colts (13-3): Colts fans received their yearly angst injection, a reminder that their team is always just a broken pinkie away from Suckville, the honorable Mayor Jim Sorgi presiding. 3. Dallas Cowboys (13-3): Y'all been bushwhacked by a band of badass aboriginal banditos. 4. Green Bay Packers (13-3): One week after a referee was fined for making inappropriate contact with Packers linebacker Nick Barnett, Brett Favre was out there slapping a zebra on the ass. Now is that irony or just a hilarious double standard? "I know it's not reviewable. But the fans want to see Brett spank you on the Jumbo-tron." 5. San Diego Chargers (11-5): Ahh, the three seed. The ideal circumstances for Nurner to assert his dominance by lifting his leg and yellowing Marttenheimer's woeful post season record. 6. Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5): Quinn Gray must have been trying to rewrite the Gettysburg Address, because brother finished with four scores! [rimshot] 7. Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6): If he wants to see the promised land, Q's team will have to play its way through the Cats and Pats. Power. Respect. Juice. Who wants it more? 8. Seattle Seahawks (10-6): The Seahawks will pit their homefield advantage against the thunderous momentum of the white hot Redskins. But both of those elements are non-factors. Who wants it more? 9. Tennessee Titans (10-6): Overheard on Vince Young's voice mail: [beep] "I see you rolled your way into the semi's. Dios mio, man. LT and me? We're gonna f**k you up." F**kin' Phrivers! That creep can roll, man. 10. New York Giants (10-6): That had to be the greatest "meaningless" game of all time. Kudos to the Giants for making the Pats play. 11.Tampa Bay Buccaneers (9-7): Jeff Garcia is a fascinating character. He's tough as nails, but talks like he paints his nails. He always seems to win, yet in the past five years he's been passed around more than a bong in its third semester. He's hitched to a Playmate yet readily admits that he's as gay as the day is long. I don't get it. 12. Washington Redskins (9-7): Booze question: What did Tom Collins ever do that was so great? I think I should be able to walk up to a bar and order a Todd Collins. It should be aged but potent, milky, but not lacking punch. 13. Cleveland Browns (10-6): The Browns got career years from key positions, won ten games and still missed the playoffs. Has anyone named Romeo ever been so unlucky? 14. Philadelphia Eagles (8-8): Kevin Curtis recovered a teammate's fumble for a touchdown for the second consecutive week. Seems about as likely as a white #1 wide receiver in the NFL. Hey, same guy! 15. Houston Texans (8-8): Mario Williams finished with 14 sacks and 59 tackles. That's 73 sackles! 16.Minnesota Vikings (8-8): Tarvaris Jackson led an inspired 16-point 4th quarter comeback, then wiped it out with an overtime fumble in his own red zone. You couldn't make more Minnesota enemies if you announced plans to produce Fargo II. 17. Arizona Cardinals (8-8): Kurt Warner had his old team acting like a jealous ex, judgmentally eyeballing his younger, more limber companions. 18. Detroit Lions (7-9): Mike Martz: out as the Lions' offensive coordinator. Matt Millen: still in as General Manager. Ever heard the one about the Indian who blamed his arrow? Long story short: he was a sh*tty Indian. Matt Millen: sh*tty Indian 19. Chicago Bears (7-9): The Bears enter the 2008 draft with more holes than Drew Peterson's alibi. 20. Carolina Panthers (7-9): Vinnie Testaverde announced his retirement, effective until some team loses its top two passers before Week 6 of the 2008 NFL season. 21. Denver Broncos (7-9): Not since Martin Gramatica left his homeland has a kicker been responsible for as many broken hearts as Jason Elam this season. 22. Buffalo Bills (7-9): Marshawn Lynch is the clubhouse leader for the Predlocked Offensive Rookie of the Year Award. 23. New Orleans Saints (7-9): After this exciting match-up of former Purdue quarterbacks, it seems like a good time to ask: Why boilermakers? Is it because Purdue wanted the only mascot that doubles as a beer c0cktail? Would they change if the rest of the Big Ten followed suit? The Illinois Red Eyes? The Wisconsin Lunchboxes? The Michigan State Urine Samples? The eye has come to bury your racist chief. 24. Cincinnati Bengals (7-9): On a crucial 3rd-and-9, Dolphins quarterback John Beck entered the game for injured starter Cleo Lemon. Beck took the shotgun snap, recoiled in terror as his central nervous system completely shut off, and essentially handed off to the Bengals' Nedu Ndukwe, who toted it 54 yards the other way. 25. Baltimore Ravens (5-11): Basically, Baltimore was the Bears without Devin Hester. 26. San Francisco 49ers (5-11): Thanks and congratulations to the San Francisco 49ers, who won three of their last six to ensure that the Patriots would not finish 19-0, win the Super Bowl, and still have a top three draft pick. 27. New York Jets (4-12):Is there anything less satisfying than watching your team win a game you wish they would lose? It's like starting a jerk-off session but you can't think of anything, only instead of quitting you just turn off your mind and hammer away until you pound out a drop. What? You never did that? No, me either. Ha! You thought I..? Ha! Yeah right. You're sick. 28. Oakland Raiders (4-12): JaMussell would benefit from the drafting of a legitimate playmaker in the passing game. And four stud offensive linemen. And a pro-bowl caliber secondary. And an owner who isn't suffering from a combination of Schizophrenia and Syphilis. That's right. Al Davis has Schyphilis. If you think this guy couldn't get any creepier, you've never seen the effects of Schyphilis. 29. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12): Congratulations to Tony Gonzalez, who became the most prolific pass-catching tight end in NFL history, knocking off Shannon Sharpe. Perhaps one day, Tonzalez will also replace Sharpe as the wetmouthedest commentator in NFL history. I know that joke is overdone, but seriously, how is Shannon Sharpe still on TV? He talks like he's cultivating a kelp farm in his maw. 30. Atlanta Falcons (4-12): I don't care if Seattle only suited nine guys, 44 points is an inspiring achievement for this team! Disney is already in talks to produce the movie. 31. St. Louis Rams (3-13): The instant Orlando Pace went down, the Rams became the worst team in the NFC. The instant Sharon Stone went down, Joe Pesci became the most unscrupulous character in Casino. 32: Miami Dolphins (1-15): Rock Bottom: The moment before that December day when the worst becomes first and assumes prime pick from the player pool of prodigy pupils. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Sorry I'm tardy. Travelling a lot for the holidays this year. Thanks for all your feedback and support and be sure to stay tuned for Wildcard Wecaps, Playoff Payoffs, Championship Diarrhies, and of course, Stupor Bowl XLII. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Some all-time classics in there. Thanks again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Posted January 3, 2008 Share Posted January 3, 2008 Good stuff, Swarm. Some actual LOL stuff in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted January 3, 2008 Author Share Posted January 3, 2008 Thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightCash Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Matt Millen: ****ty indian hahahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K-Rhodes25 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 just keeps getting better every week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DireJet38 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Man, I am pissed I discovered these rankings this late in the season. It's gold, Jerry, gold! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 19. Chicago Bears (7-9): The Bears enter the 2008 draft with more holes than Drew Peterson's alibi. Did you mean Scott Peterson? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightCash Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Did you mean Scott Peterson? Scott Peterson! A Cal Poly grad! Oh how I love my school. Atleast we have Weird Al, John Madden, and the guy who invented Clif bars! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaspegs Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Great as always!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I don't really get #9, I know a joke is ruined when someone asks for an explanation, but I'm really curious. I get it in principle but not sure who the players are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightCash Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I don't really get #9, I know a joke is ruined when someone asks for an explanation, but I'm really curious. I get it in principle but not sure who the players are. Have you ever seen the Big Lebowski? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Have you ever seen the Big Lebowski? Nope. I guess that's why then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraightCash Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Nope. I guess that's why then. Yeah it will make a lot of sense then. And I highly recommend the movie, amazing. And SJ's avatar will make more sense too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackout Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Cleveland should be ahead of the Redskins easily, 10-6 in a superior conference Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Did you mean Scott Peterson? Actually, no. We've got our very own wife-killing scumbag named Peterson right here in Chicago. Crazy story, actually. Worth a look on crimelibrary if you're into that type of stuff. Dude's a retired cop with a past so checkered, it could be used to make golf pants. Details include recruiting a mentally ill step-brother to help move a 55-gallon blue plastic chemical barrel from his bedroom to his truck the day after his wife disappeared. Like Scott, one gets the impression that Drew deserves to rot in A) prison, then Hell regardless of whether a body is ever found. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted January 4, 2008 Author Share Posted January 4, 2008 Cleveland should be ahead of the Redskins easily, 10-6 in a superior conference Washington has a game this weekend. In my opinion, they therefore wield more power than a bunch of 300-pound golfers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 great job swarmy............so can the fact that they spilled some liquid outta the blue container be labeled a chemical imbalance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green DNA Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Details include recruiting a mentally ill step-brother to help move a 55-gallon blue plastic chemical barrel from his bedroom to his truck the day after his wife disappeared. So a 55 gallon drum in the bedroom is unusual? I've been told there's a 55 gallon drum of anal lube in the mod lounge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lurker Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 So a 55 gallon drum in the bedroom is unusual? I've been told there's a 55 gallon drum of anal lube in the mod lounge. "I've been told". Riiiiiiight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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