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JetNation Poster Poetry Contest - winner gets 500 vCash

Sperm Edwards

By Sperm Edwards
in The Jets Lounge

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Verde

Verde

Posted
Posted
More JN Haiku (by popular demand- not)

Verde thinks she's hot

Greengal is a math wizard

Garb is just moody

:D

There once was a poster, JetCane

Who's haiku was simply insane

Had to jump in the fray

I think many will say

A man who owns cats must be gay!

;)

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Panzer Division Marduk

Panzer Division Marduk

Posted
Posted

Of Man's First Disobedience, and the Fruit

Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal taste

Brought the Dolphins into the World, and all our woe,

With loss of Herm, till one greater Mangini

Restore us, and regain the blissful Lombardi,

Sing Heav'nly Muse, that on the secret top

Of Oreb, or of Sinai, didst inspire

That Shottenheimer, who first taught the chosen blitz,

In the Beginning how Cotchery

Rose out of chaos: Or if a Vilma sack

Delight thee more, and a Pennington pass that flow'd

Fast by the Oracle of Mangini; I thence

Invoke thy aid to my adventrous Song,

That with no middle flight intends to soar

Above th' secondary, while it pursues

Things unattempted yet in Prose or Rhime.

And chiefly Thou O Spirit, that dost prefer

Before all Temples th' upright heart and pure,

Instruct me, for Thou know'st; Thou from the first

Wast present, and with mighty wings outspread

Dove-like satst brooding on the vast Abyss

And mad'st it pregnant: What in me is dark

Illumine, what is low raise and support;

That to the highth of this great Argument

I may assert th' Eternal Providence,

And justifie the wayes of the 3-4 to men.

Say first, for Heav'n hides nothing from thy view

Nor the deep Tract of Foxboro say first what cause

Mov'd our Grand Parents in that foul Massachussets State,

Favour'd of the referees so highly, to fall off

From their Creator, and transgress his Will

For one restraint, Owners of the NFL besides?

Who first seduc'd them to that foul revolt?

Th' infernal Belichick; he it was, whose guile

Stird up with Envy and Revenge, deceiv'd

The Husband of Shennoca, what time his Pride

Had cast him out from Cleveland, with all his Host

Of Patsie Scum, by whose aid aspiring

To set himself in Glory above his Peers,

He trusted to have equal'd the most High,

If he oppos'd; and with ambitious aim

Against the Throne and Monarchy of God

Rais'd impious War in the NFL and Battel proud

With vain attempt. Him the Almighty Power

Hurld headlong flaming from th' Ethereal Skie

With hideous ruine and combustion down

To bottomless perdition, there to dwell

In Adamantine Chains and penal Fire,

Who durst defie th' Omnipotent to Arms.

Nine times the Space that measures Day and Night

To mortal men, he with his horrid crew

Lay vanquisht, rowling in the fiery Gulfe

Confounded though immortal: But his doom

Reserv'd him to more wrath; for now the thought

Both of lost happiness and lasting pain

Torments him; round he throws his baleful eyes

That witness'd huge affliction and dismay

Mixt with obdurate pride and stedfast hate:

At once as far as Angels kenn he views

The dismal Situation waste and wilde,

A Dungeon horrible, on all sides round

As one great Furnace flam'd, yet from those flames

No light, but rather darkness visible

Serv'd only to discover sights of woe,

Regions of sorrow, doleful shades, where peace

And rest can never dwell, hope never comes

That comes to all; but torture without end

Still urges, and a fiery Deluge, fed

With ever-burning Sulphur unconsum'd:

Such place Eternal Justice had prepar'd

For those rebellious, here their Prison ordain'd

In utter darkness, and their portion set

As far remov'd from God and light of Heav'n

As from the Center thrice to th' utmost Pole.

O how unlike the place from whence they fell!

There the companions of his fall, o'rewhelm'd

With Floods and Whirlwinds of tempestuous fire,

He soon discerns, and weltring by his side

One next himself in power, and next in crime,

Long after known in Boston, and nam'd

Kraft. To whom th' Arch-Enemy,

And thence in Heav'n call'd Belichick, with bold words

Breaking the horrid silence thus began.

If thou beest he; But O how fall'n! how chang'd

From him, who in the happy Realms of Light

Cloth'd with transcendent brightnes didst outshine

Myriads though bright: If he whom mutual league,

United thoughts and counsels, equal hope,

And hazard in the Glorious Enterprize,

Joynd with me once, now misery hath joynd

In equal ruin: into what Pit thou seest

From what highth fal'n, so much the stronger provd

He with his Thunder: and till then who knew

The force of those dire Arms? yet not for those

Nor what the Potent Victor in his rage

Can else inflict do I repent or change,

Though chang'd in outward lustre; that fixt mind

And high disdain, from sence of injur'd merit,

That with the mightiest rais'd me to contend,

And to the fierce contention brought along

Innumerable force of Spirits arm'd

That durst dislike his reign, and me preferring,

His utmost power with adverse power oppos'd

In dubious Battel on the Plains of Heav'n,

And shook his throne. What though the field be lost?

All is not lost; the unconquerable Will,

And study of revenge, immortal hate,

And courage never to submit or yield:

And what is else not to be overcome?

That Glory never shall his wrath or might

Extort from me. To bow and sue for grace

With suppliant knee, and deifie his power

Who from the terrour of this Arm so late

Doubted his Empire, that were low indeed,

That were an ignominy and shame beneath

This downfall; since by Fate the strength of Gods

And this Empyreal substance cannot fail,

Since through experience of this great event

In Arms not worse, in foresight much advanc't,

We may with more successful hope resolve

To wage by force or guile eternal Warr

Irreconcileable, to our grand Foe,

Who now triumphs, and in th' excess of joy

Sole reigning holds the Tyranny of Heav'n.

O Prince, O Chief of many Throned Powers,

That led th' imbattelld Seraphim to Warr

Under thy conduct, and in dreadful deeds

Fearless, endanger'd Heav'ns perpetual King;

And put to proof his high Supremacy,

Whether upheld by strength, or Chance, or Fate,

Too well I see and rue the dire event,

That with sad overthrow and foul defeat

Hath lost us Heav'n, and all this mighty Host

In horrible destruction laid thus low,

As far as Gods and Heav'nly Essences

Can Perish: for the mind and spirit remains

Invincible, and vigour soon returns,

Though all our Glory extinct, and happy state

Here swallow'd up in endless misery.

But what if he our Conquerour, (whom I now

Of force believe Almighty, since no less

Then such could hav orepow'rd such force as ours)

Have left us this our spirit and strength intire

Strongly to suffer and support our pains,

That we may so suffice his vengeful ire,

Or do him mightier service as his thralls

By right of Warr, what e're his business be

Here in the heart of Hell to work in Fire,

Or do his Errands in the gloomy Deep;

What can it then avail though yet we feel

Strength undiminisht, or eternal being

To undergo eternal punishment?

Whereto with speedy words th' Arch-fiend reply'd.

Thus Satan talking to his neerest Mate

With Head up-lift above the wave, and Eyes

That sparkling blaz'd, his other Parts besides

Prone on the Flood, extended long and large

Lay floating many a rood, in bulk as huge

As whom the Fables name of monstrous size,

TITANIAN, or EARTH-BORN, that warr'd on JOVE,

BRIARIOS or TYPHON, whom the Den

By ancient TARSUS held, or that Sea-beast

LEVIATHAN, which God of all his works

Created hugest that swim th' Ocean stream:

Him haply slumbring on the NORWAY foam

The Pilot of some small night-founder'd Skiff,

Deeming some Island, oft, as Sea-men tell,

With fixed Anchor in his skaly rind

Moors by his side under the Lee, while Night

Invests the Sea, and wished Morn delayes:

So stretcht out huge in length the Arch-fiend lay

Chain'd on the burning Lake, nor ever thence

Had ris'n or heav'd his head, but that the will

And high permission of all-ruling Heaven

Left him at large to his own dark designs,

That with reiterated crimes he might

Heap on himself damnation, while he sought

Evil to others, and enrag'd might see

How all his malice serv'd but to bring forth

Infinite goodness, grace and mercy shewn

On Man by him seduc't, but on himself

Treble confusion, wrath and vengeance pour'd.

Forthwith upright he rears from off the Pool

His mighty Stature; on each hand the flames

Drivn backward slope their pointing spires, & rowld

In billows, leave i'th' midst a horrid Vale.

Then with expanded wings he stears his flight

Aloft, incumbent on the dusky Air

That felt unusual weight, till on dry Land

He lights, if it were Land that ever burn'd

With solid, as the Lake with liquid fire;

And such appear'd in hue, as when the force

Of subterranean wind transports a Hill

Torn from PELORUS, or the shatter'd side

Of thundring AETNA, whose combustible

And fewel'd entrals thence conceiving Fire,

Sublim'd with Mineral fury, aid the Winds,

And leave a singed bottom all involv'd

With stench and smoak: Such resting found the sole

Of unblest feet. Him followed his next Mate,

Both glorying to have scap't the STYGIAN flood

As Gods, and by their own recover'd strength,

Not by the sufferance of supernal Power.

They heard, and were abasht, and up they sprung

Upon the wing, as when men wont to watch

On duty, sleeping found by whom they dread,

Rouse and bestir themselves ere well awake.

Nor did they not perceave the evil plight

In which they were, or the fierce pains not feel;

Yet to their Generals Voyce they soon obeyd

Innumerable. As when the potent Rod

Of AMRAMS Son in EGYPTS evill day

Wav'd round the Coast, up call'd a pitchy cloud

Of LOCUSTS, warping on the Eastern Wind,

That ore the Realm of impious PHAROAH hung

Like Night, and darken'd all the Land of NILE:

So numberless were those bad Angels seen

Hovering on wing under the Cope of Hell

'Twixt upper, nether, and surrounding Fires;

Till, as a signal giv'n, th' uplifted Spear

Of their great Sultan waving to direct

Thir course, in even ballance down they light

On the firm brimstone, and fill all the Plain;

A multitude, like which the populous North

Pour'd never from her frozen loyns, to pass

RHENE or the DANAW, when her barbarous Sons

Came like a Deluge on the South, and spread

Beneath GIBRALTAR to the LYBIAN sands.

Forthwith from every Squadron and each Band

The Heads and Leaders thither hast where stood

Their great Commander; Godlike shapes and forms

Excelling human, Princely Dignities,

And Powers that earst in Heaven sat on Thrones;

Though of their Names in heav'nly Records now

Be no memorial, blotted out and ras'd

By thir Rebellion, from the Books of Life.

Nor had they yet among the Sons of EVE

Got them new Names, till wandring ore the Earth,

Through Gods high sufferance for the tryal of man,

By falsities and lyes the greatest part

Of Mankind they corrupted to forsake

God their Creator, and th' invisible

Glory of him, that made them, to transform

Oft to the Image of a Brute, adorn'd

With gay Religions full of Pomp and Gold,

And Devils to adore for Deities:

Then were they known to men by various Names,

And various Idols through the Heathen World.

Say, Muse, their Names then known, who first, who last,

Rous'd from the slumber, on that fiery Couch,

At thir great Emperors call, as next in worth

Came singly where he stood on the bare strand,

While the promiscuous croud stood yet aloof?

The chief were those who from the Pit of Hell

Roaming to seek their prey on earth, durst fix

Their Seats long after next the Seat of God,

Their Altars by his Altar, Gods ador'd

Among the Nations round, and durst abide

JEHOVAH thundring out of SION, thron'd

Between the Cherubim; yea, often plac'd

Within his Sanctuary it self their Shrines,

Abominations; and with cursed things

His holy Rites, and solemn Feasts profan'd,

And with their darkness durst affront his light.

First MOLOCH, horrid King besmear'd with blood

Of human sacrifice, and parents tears,

Though for the noyse of Drums and Timbrels loud

Their childrens cries unheard, that past through fire

To his grim Idol. Him the AMMONITE

Worshipt in RABBA and her watry Plain,

In ARGOB and in BASAN, to the stream

Of utmost ARNON. Nor content with such

Audacious neighbourhood, the wisest heart

Of SOLOMON he led by fraud to build

His Temple right against the Temple of God

On that opprobrious Hill, and made his Grove

The pleasant Vally of HINNOM, TOPHET thence

And black GEHENNA call'd, the Type of Hell.

Next CHEMOS, th' obscene dread of MOABS Sons,

From AROER to NEBO, and the wild

Of Southmost ABARIM; in HESEBON

And HERONAIM, SEONS Realm, beyond

The flowry Dale of SIBMA clad with Vines,

And ELEALE to th' ASPHALTICK Pool.

PEOR his other Name, when he entic'd

ISRAEL in SITTIM on their march from NILE

To do him wanton rites, which cost them woe.

Yet thence his lustful Orgies he enlarg'd

Even to that Hill of scandal, by the Grove

Of MOLOCH homicide, lust hard by hate;

Till good JOSIAH drove them thence to Hell.

With these came they, who from the bordring flood

Of old EUPHRATES to the Brook that parts

EGYPT from SYRIAN ground, had general Names

Of BAALIM and ASHTAROTH, those male,

These Feminine. For Spirits when they please

Can either Sex assume, or both; so soft

And uncompounded is their Essence pure,

Not ti'd or manacl'd with joynt or limb,

Nor founded on the brittle strength of bones,

Like cumbrous flesh; but in what shape they choose

Dilated or condens't, bright or obscure,

Can execute their aerie purposes,

And works of love or enmity fulfill.

For those the Race of ISRAEL oft forsook

Their living strength, and unfrequented left

His righteous Altar, bowing lowly down

To bestial Gods; for which their heads as low

Bow'd down in Battel, sunk before the Spear

Of despicable foes. With these in troop

Came ASTORETH, whom the PHOENICIANS call'd

ASTARTE, Queen of Heav'n, with crescent Horns;

To whose bright Image nightly by the Moon

SIDONIAN Virgins paid their Vows and Songs,

In SION also not unsung, where stood

Her Temple on th' offensive Mountain, built

By that uxorious King, whose heart though large,

Beguil'd by fair Idolatresses, fell

To Idols foul. THAMMUZ came next behind,

Whose annual wound in LEBANON allur'd

The SYRIAN Damsels to lament his fate

In amorous dittyes all a Summers day,

While smooth ADONIS from his native Rock

Ran purple to the Sea, suppos'd with blood

Of THAMMUZ yearly wounded: the Love-tale

Infected SIONS daughters with like heat,

Whose wanton passions in the sacred Porch

EZEKIEL saw, when by the Vision led

His eye survay'd the dark Idolatries

Of alienated JUDAH. Next came one

Who mourn'd in earnest, when the Captive Ark

Maim'd his brute Image, head and hands lopt off

In his own Temple, on the grunsel edge,

Where he fell flat, and sham'd his Worshipers:

DAGON his Name, Sea Monster, upward Man

And downward Fish: yet had his Temple high

Rear'd in AZOTUS, dreaded through the Coast

Of PALESTINE, in GATH and ASCALON,

And ACCARON and GAZA's frontier bounds.

Him follow'd RIMMON, whose delightful Seat

Was fair DAMASCUS, on the fertil Banks

Of ABBANA and PHARPHAR, lucid streams.

He also against the house of God was bold:

A Leper once he lost and gain'd a King,

AHAZ his sottish Conquerour, whom he drew

Gods Altar to disparage and displace

For one of SYRIAN mode, whereon to burn

His odious offrings, and adore the Gods

Whom he had vanquisht. After these appear'd

A crew who under Names of old Renown,

OSIRIS, ISIS, ORUS and their Train

With monstrous shapes and sorceries abus'd

Fanatic EGYPT and her Priests, to seek

Thir wandring Gods disguis'd in brutish forms

Rather then human. Nor did ISRAEL scape

Th' infection when their borrow'd Gold compos'd

The Calf in OREB: and the Rebel King

Doubl'd that sin in BETHEL and in DAN,

Lik'ning his Maker to the Grazed Ox,

JEHOVAH, who in one Night when he pass'd

From EGYPT marching, equal'd with one stroke

Both her first born and all her bleating Gods.

BELIAL came last, then whom a Spirit more lewd

Fell not from Heaven, or more gross to love

Vice for it self: To him no Temple stood

Or Altar smoak'd; yet who more oft then hee

In Temples and at Altars, when the Priest

Turns Atheist, as did ELY'S Sons, who fill'd

With lust and violence the house of God.

In Courts and Palaces he also Reigns

And in luxurious Cities, where the noyse

Of riot ascends above thir loftiest Towrs,

And injury and outrage: And when Night

Darkens the Streets, then wander forth the Sons

Of BELIAL, flown with insolence and wine.

Witness the Streets of SODOM, and that night

In GIBEAH, when hospitable Dores

Yielded thir Matrons to prevent worse rape.

These were the prime in order and in might;

The rest were long to tell, though far renown'd,

Th' IONIAN Gods, of JAVANS Issue held

Gods, yet confest later then Heav'n and Earth

Thir boasted Parents; TITAN Heav'ns first born

With his enormous brood, and birthright seis'd

By younger SATURN, he from mightier JOVE

His own and RHEA'S Son like measure found;

So JOVE usurping reign'd: these first in CREET

And IDA known, thence on the Snowy top

Of cold OLYMPUS rul'd the middle Air

Thir highest Heav'n; or on the DELPHIAN Cliff,

Or in DODONA, and through all the bounds

Of DORIC Land; or who with SATURN old

Fled over ADRIA to th' HESPERIAN Fields,

And ore the CELTIC roam'd the utmost Isles.

All these and more came flocking; but with looks

Down cast and damp, yet such wherein appear'd

Obscure som glimps of joy, to have found thir chief

Not in despair, to have found themselves not lost

In loss it self; which on his count'nance cast

Like doubtful hue: but he his wonted pride

Soon recollecting, with high words, that bore

Semblance of worth not substance, gently rais'd

Their fainted courage, and dispel'd their fears.

Then strait commands that at the warlike sound

Of Trumpets loud and Clarions be upreard

His mighty Standard; that proud honour claim'd

AZAZEL as his right, a Cherube tall:

Who forthwith from the glittering Staff unfurld

Th' Imperial Ensign, which full high advanc't

Shon like a Meteor streaming to the Wind

With Gemms and Golden lustre rich imblaz'd,

Seraphic arms and Trophies: all the while

Sonorous mettal blowing Martial sounds:

At which the universal Host upsent

A shout that tore Hells Concave, and beyond

Frighted the Reign of CHAOS and old Night.

All in a moment through the gloom were seen

Ten thousand Banners rise into the Air

With Orient Colours waving: with them rose

A Forrest huge of Spears: and thronging Helms

Appear'd, and serried Shields in thick array

Of depth immeasurable: Anon they move

In perfect PHALANX to the Dorian mood

Of Flutes and soft Recorders; such as rais'd

To highth of noblest temper Hero's old

Arming to Battel, and in stead of rage

Deliberate valour breath'd, firm and unmov'd

With dread of death to flight or foul retreat,

Nor wanting power to mitigate and swage

With solemn touches, troubl'd thoughts, and chase

Anguish and doubt and fear and sorrow and pain

From mortal or immortal minds. Thus they

Breathing united force with fixed thought

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jd67

jd67

Posted
Posted
There once was a back named LaMont

He wasn't worth one lousy snot

So the Jets let him go off

Off to be Oakland's main show

But he choked and continues to run like a little tot

Guess you changed your mind about poetry. Or did someone just need to flash the cash for you to drop your inhibitions?;)

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vanDoug

vanDoug

Posted
Posted
Pats have a QB named Tommy

He loves to play hide the salami

He thinks hes the boss

while he gives his boyfriend some sauce

Brady will adopt a kid that calls him mommy

That's very good, made me laugh.

:)

The tempo's a little off for the classic limerick structure.

May I suggest an alternate ending?

Pats have a QB named Tommy

He loves to play hide the salami

He thinks hes the boss

Gives his boyfriend some sauce

And then dresses up like his mommy

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