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Shower Rankings - Preseason


onemanswarm

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Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. New England Patriots (12-4): The Patriots had the busiest off-season of anyone not starring in The Simple Life. In the age of parity and rapidly-closing championship windows, the Pats have uncovered the secret to building a dynasty. Turns out, all you have to do is hire a sleeve-averse genius to coach the Hall-of-Fame quarterback you drafted in the sixth round.

2. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): The big question for Tongy & Co. seems to be whether Joddai can single-handedly complement the passing game of Peynning and Marvison. Well, if Madden

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Thanks for the great reading -we look forward to this every week from you. Why the hate for Thomas Jones though?

I don't hate TJ at all. I wish that he and Benson could have happily co-existed in Chicago for years to come. But he does do a lot of dancing and I couldn't think of anything funnier. (Suggestions, as always, are most welcome.)

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Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me:

1. New England Patriots (12-4) (11-5): The Patriots had the busiest off-season of anyone not starring in The Simple Life. In the age of parity and rapidly-closing championship windows, the Pats have uncovered the secret to building a dynasty. Turns out, all you have to do is hire a sleeve-averse genius to coach the Hall-of-Fame quarterback you drafted in the sixth round.

2. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): The big question for Tongy & Co. seems to be whether Joddai can single-handedly complement the passing game of Peynning and Marvison. Well, if Madden

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I don't hate TJ at all. I wish that he and Benson could have happily co-existed in Chicago for years to come. But he does do a lot of dancing and I couldn't think of anything funnier. (Suggestions, as always, are most welcome.)

WHY "TONGY"?

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Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Much like Preseason Game 4, these rankings represent an opportunity to knock off the remaining rust and try out some jokes that might not make the final roster. With that in mind, were these two a little too obtuse?

15. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): Experts at ESPN have suggested that the 49

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Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Much like Preseason Game 4, these rankings represent an opportunity to knock off the remaining rust and try out some jokes that might not make the final roster. With that in mind, were these two a little too obtuse?

15. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): Experts at ESPN have suggested that the 49

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Other than general comedy, I didn't get the Salisbury one; was there an issue with him & the ESPN receptionists?

AJ Hawk looks like a caveman. Got that one.

I don't know how they managed to keep this so far under wraps, but Salisbury was identified as the ESPN analyst who was sanctioned for showing cell phone pics of his coq 'n' balz to unsuspecting female employees.

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LOL with the loss of Chris Villarial and Kelly Holcomb? Villarial was absolutely worthless last season, probably our second worst linemen, the best thing that could have happend was him leaving, he was placed on IR in early November anyway.

As for KH, come on, get real, I can't believe you brought his name up.

Otherwise not too bad of predictions I guess.

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LOL with the loss of Chris Villarial and Kelly Holcomb? Villarial was absolutely worthless last season, probably our second worst linemen, the best thing that could have happend was him leaving, he was placed on IR in early November anyway.

As for KH, come on, get real, I can't believe you brought his name up.

Otherwise not too bad of predictions I guess.

Very valid criticism. It was, perhaps, a stretch to include an ancient guard on that list, but I stand behind Kelly Holcomb's inclusion. Somehow, being a tweaked spine away from the Trent Edwards show just doesn't seem like a good way to start a serious season.

And I thought I was doing Bills fans a favor by leaving Darwin Walker off the list.

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Madden: Great season LT! You've earned yourself the right to be on the cover of Madden!

LT: Uh, no thanks. I don't play for individual achievement, and also, I'd prefer not to go down with a horrible crippling injury from your cursed box of doom.

Madden: LJ, buddy, best RB in the league! What would you say to being on the cover of Madden?

LJ: Hold up there. Look man, you can't relate to me. Why don't you put LT on the cover? Or maybe Jackson or Addai or something. I want nothing to do with that crap. Go put a white player on the cover, trying to keep me down man...get outta here

Madden: (geez...what is with these players...ok let's try this guy next) Peyton, I have been a fan of yours for years-

Peyton: Look, if it's about that stupid game of yours, no dice. First of all Gatorade owns my likeness, so you'd need to get their approval and they will just say no. Second of all, I just won a Super Bowl finally, I want to retire gracefully. Go ask Tom.

Madden: So...

Tom: Peyton already told me and the answer is no. Me and my life partner BB discussed it yesterday night. We figure this year we can win another Super Bowl, and then BB promised we can go live at his castle forever!

Madden: Uh....

Madden: (Ok this is ridiculous, I need to find someone too stupid to refuse). Vince, you play videogames right?

VY: I sure love my videogames. Especially dat Madden yo

Madden: Excellent...tell you what, you appear on my cover...and I'll make you better than Vick in my games

VY: Sweet! You got it dawg, I'll be on the cover...

And that's exactly how VY got onto the cover, no lies.

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Madden: Great season LT! You've earned yourself the right to be on the cover of Madden!

LT: Uh, no thanks. I don't play for individual achievement, and also, I'd prefer not to go down with a horrible crippling injury from your cursed box of doom.

Madden: LJ, buddy, best RB in the league! What would you say to being on the cover of Madden?

LJ: Hold up there. Look man, you can't relate to me. Why don't you put LT on the cover? Or maybe Jackson or Addai or something. I want nothing to do with that crap. Go put a white player on the cover, trying to keep me down man...get outta here

Madden: (geez...what is with these players...ok let's try this guy next) Peyton, I have been a fan of yours for years-

Peyton: Look, if it's about that stupid game of yours, no dice. First of all Gatorade owns my likeness, so you'd need to get their approval and they will just say no. Second of all, I just won a Super Bowl finally, I want to retire gracefully. Go ask Tom.

Madden: So...

Tom: Peyton already told me and the answer is no. Me and my life partner BB discussed it yesterday night. We figure this year we can win another Super Bowl, and then BB promised we can go live at his castle forever!

Madden: Uh....

Madden: (Ok this is ridiculous, I need to find someone too stupid to refuse). Vince, you play videogames right?

VY: I sure love my videogames. Especially dat Madden yo

Madden: Excellent...tell you what, you appear on my cover...and I'll make you better than Vick in my games

VY: Sweet! You got it dawg, I'll be on the cover...

And that's exactly how VY got onto the cover, no lies.

That is fantastic work! When I get home, I'm gonna fire up a spliff and read that again.

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