onemanswarm Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (12-4): The Patriots had the busiest off-season of anyone not starring in The Simple Life. In the age of parity and rapidly-closing championship windows, the Pats have uncovered the secret to building a dynasty. Turns out, all you have to do is hire a sleeve-averse genius to coach the Hall-of-Fame quarterback you drafted in the sixth round. 2. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): The big question for Tongy & Co. seems to be whether Joddai can single-handedly complement the passing game of Peynning and Marvison. Well, if Madden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barton Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 These are the best power rankings on the net. Great job, as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faba Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Thanks for the great reading -we look forward to this every week from you. Why the hate for Thomas Jones though? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted September 5, 2007 Author Share Posted September 5, 2007 Thanks for the great reading -we look forward to this every week from you. Why the hate for Thomas Jones though? I don't hate TJ at all. I wish that he and Benson could have happily co-existed in Chicago for years to come. But he does do a lot of dancing and I couldn't think of anything funnier. (Suggestions, as always, are most welcome.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnny green balls Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 nicely done Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boozer76 Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 I was about to PM you in fear you might not return this year, burt that would have looked very gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Thank god you're back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drago Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 It should be noted that, during his tenure in Chicago, Jones earned the nickname “The Peeler” because he dances like a stripper and goes down twice as easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L.I.MikeBleedsGreen Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Good Stuff Swarm That Steelers ranking was funny as hell. Rep 4 sure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jet27 Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Every Tuesday morning, I wake up an hour early so that I can sit on the floor of my shower and meditate on the current state of the NFL until the water runs cold. This morning, through the power of prayer, the following rankings were revealed to me: 1. New England Patriots (12-4) (11-5): The Patriots had the busiest off-season of anyone not starring in The Simple Life. In the age of parity and rapidly-closing championship windows, the Pats have uncovered the secret to building a dynasty. Turns out, all you have to do is hire a sleeve-averse genius to coach the Hall-of-Fame quarterback you drafted in the sixth round. 2. Indianapolis Colts (12-4): The big question for Tongy & Co. seems to be whether Joddai can single-handedly complement the passing game of Peynning and Marvison. Well, if Madden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Phenomenal as always. Thanks, bro. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitonti Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 30. Cleveland Browns (4-12): If Charlie Frye intends to hold onto his job as Cleveland Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lawngnome o-line Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 I'm so glad the shower rankings are back...they were the highlight of my day last season. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreenBeans Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Awesome job as always, swarm - good to see you back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ECURB Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 Cmon Max... step up and pay the man... these need to be exclusive! LOL Great Job... I love these rankings... good stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
uart Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 I don't hate TJ at all. I wish that he and Benson could have happily co-existed in Chicago for years to come. But he does do a lot of dancing and I couldn't think of anything funnier. (Suggestions, as always, are most welcome.) WHY "TONGY"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 These are the absolute best. Nothing like seeing this thread everyweek when I open up JN!!! Thanks OMS!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
124 Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 "The Peeler"!!! Great stuff as always man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted September 5, 2007 Share Posted September 5, 2007 we can focus on the important questions. Like, does Marvin Lewis give us our best idea of what Tiger Woods will look like in 20 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Much like Preseason Game 4, these rankings represent an opportunity to knock off the remaining rust and try out some jokes that might not make the final roster. With that in mind, were these two a little too obtuse? 15. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): Experts at ESPN have suggested that the 49 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Much like Preseason Game 4, these rankings represent an opportunity to knock off the remaining rust and try out some jokes that might not make the final roster. With that in mind, were these two a little too obtuse? 15. San Francisco 49ers (7-9): Experts at ESPN have suggested that the 49 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick34125 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 well done swarmy. you mean this isn't exclusive to JetNation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 Other than general comedy, I didn't get the Salisbury one; was there an issue with him & the ESPN receptionists? AJ Hawk looks like a caveman. Got that one. I don't know how they managed to keep this so far under wraps, but Salisbury was identified as the ESPN analyst who was sanctioned for showing cell phone pics of his coq 'n' balz to unsuspecting female employees. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Welcome back, Swarm. Good stuff, as always. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joewilly Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Welcome back, Swarm. Good stuff, as always. ditto fo me swarmy. glad to have you & yer humor back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thor99 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Excellent work, as always. Thanks for coming back. I see that you are as big a fan of bad movies as I am. You have to try and work a Trolls 2 reference in one week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetLee83 Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 LOL with the loss of Chris Villarial and Kelly Holcomb? Villarial was absolutely worthless last season, probably our second worst linemen, the best thing that could have happend was him leaving, he was placed on IR in early November anyway. As for KH, come on, get real, I can't believe you brought his name up. Otherwise not too bad of predictions I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 LOL with the loss of Chris Villarial and Kelly Holcomb? Villarial was absolutely worthless last season, probably our second worst linemen, the best thing that could have happend was him leaving, he was placed on IR in early November anyway. As for KH, come on, get real, I can't believe you brought his name up. Otherwise not too bad of predictions I guess. Very valid criticism. It was, perhaps, a stretch to include an ancient guard on that list, but I stand behind Kelly Holcomb's inclusion. Somehow, being a tweaked spine away from the Trent Edwards show just doesn't seem like a good way to start a serious season. And I thought I was doing Bills fans a favor by leaving Darwin Walker off the list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smizzy Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 I don't know how they managed to keep this so far under wraps, but Salisbury was identified as the ESPN analyst who was sanctioned for showing cell phone pics of his coq 'n' balz to unsuspecting female employees. YOU RULE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serphnx Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Madden: Great season LT! You've earned yourself the right to be on the cover of Madden! LT: Uh, no thanks. I don't play for individual achievement, and also, I'd prefer not to go down with a horrible crippling injury from your cursed box of doom. Madden: LJ, buddy, best RB in the league! What would you say to being on the cover of Madden? LJ: Hold up there. Look man, you can't relate to me. Why don't you put LT on the cover? Or maybe Jackson or Addai or something. I want nothing to do with that crap. Go put a white player on the cover, trying to keep me down man...get outta here Madden: (geez...what is with these players...ok let's try this guy next) Peyton, I have been a fan of yours for years- Peyton: Look, if it's about that stupid game of yours, no dice. First of all Gatorade owns my likeness, so you'd need to get their approval and they will just say no. Second of all, I just won a Super Bowl finally, I want to retire gracefully. Go ask Tom. Madden: So... Tom: Peyton already told me and the answer is no. Me and my life partner BB discussed it yesterday night. We figure this year we can win another Super Bowl, and then BB promised we can go live at his castle forever! Madden: Uh.... Madden: (Ok this is ridiculous, I need to find someone too stupid to refuse). Vince, you play videogames right? VY: I sure love my videogames. Especially dat Madden yo Madden: Excellent...tell you what, you appear on my cover...and I'll make you better than Vick in my games VY: Sweet! You got it dawg, I'll be on the cover... And that's exactly how VY got onto the cover, no lies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onemanswarm Posted September 6, 2007 Author Share Posted September 6, 2007 Madden: Great season LT! You've earned yourself the right to be on the cover of Madden! LT: Uh, no thanks. I don't play for individual achievement, and also, I'd prefer not to go down with a horrible crippling injury from your cursed box of doom. Madden: LJ, buddy, best RB in the league! What would you say to being on the cover of Madden? LJ: Hold up there. Look man, you can't relate to me. Why don't you put LT on the cover? Or maybe Jackson or Addai or something. I want nothing to do with that crap. Go put a white player on the cover, trying to keep me down man...get outta here Madden: (geez...what is with these players...ok let's try this guy next) Peyton, I have been a fan of yours for years- Peyton: Look, if it's about that stupid game of yours, no dice. First of all Gatorade owns my likeness, so you'd need to get their approval and they will just say no. Second of all, I just won a Super Bowl finally, I want to retire gracefully. Go ask Tom. Madden: So... Tom: Peyton already told me and the answer is no. Me and my life partner BB discussed it yesterday night. We figure this year we can win another Super Bowl, and then BB promised we can go live at his castle forever! Madden: Uh.... Madden: (Ok this is ridiculous, I need to find someone too stupid to refuse). Vince, you play videogames right? VY: I sure love my videogames. Especially dat Madden yo Madden: Excellent...tell you what, you appear on my cover...and I'll make you better than Vick in my games VY: Sweet! You got it dawg, I'll be on the cover... And that's exactly how VY got onto the cover, no lies. That is fantastic work! When I get home, I'm gonna fire up a spliff and read that again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sperm Edwards Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 The "cursed box of doom" part had me rolling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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