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The Gun Of Bavaria

By The Gun Of Bavaria
in NY Jets Forum

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The Gun Of Bavaria

The Gun Of Bavaria

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Posted

http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-new-york-jets-1226662134

Your team: New York Buttfumbles

Your 2012 record: 6-10. LET'S DO IT AGAIN, EVERYBODY!

Your coach: Rex Ryan, who stopped enjoying this job roughly 15 months ago. The fat, swaggering, toe-licking Rex that was here at the turn of the decade has been replaced by a deflated balloon of a man, a man who lost his team ages ago and has already visibly lost his composure in postgame press conferences. It's only the third week of the preseason. This kind of complete systemic breakdown of a sh*tty team usually happens around November. For the Jets, it's been ongoing for the past 80 weeks. This is the only time the Jets will get a jump on the rest of the NFL.

Like the Panthers, the Jets saw fit to hire a new GM but keep their old miserable coach around. I will never understand the logic behind such gross inaction. This team was a train wreck last season—a train wreck that EVERY LIVING SOUL ON EARTH saw coming—and somehow, through a combination of laziness and cap mismanagement, they are in the EXACT same position as they were a year ago. In fact, they're worse.

It says volumes about the Jets' current predicament that Ryan was pilloried by the local media for putting Mark Sanchez in harm's way: the same Mark Sanchez who is inarguably one of the worst quarterbacks in football, the same Mark Sanchez that has absolutely NO PRAYER of being with this team a year from now, whose potential cap hit was the only thing keeping him from being fired. Somehow keeping HIM upright is crucial to this team's short-term success. You could sabotage an entire team's season Max Bialystock-style and still not concoct a more hopeless situation than the one Rex Ryan is currently in.

By the way, Marty Mornhinweg is your new offensive coordinator, because of course the Jets hired Marty Mornhinweg to be offensive coordinator.

Your quarterback: BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE BUTTFUMBLE.

The truth is that the Jets quarterback is not any one person but rather an immense inter-dimensional void inside which time means nothing and all particles of light are crushed into nothingness. To look at the space behind the Jets' center is to have every blood vessel ripped away from your body. It is a thing that cannot be.

Sanchez is awful, but what's far more alarming is that the Jets drafted someone to replace him (this is something teams should do!) and, again, EVERY LIVING SOUL ON EARTH already knows that he's a bust. They just drafted the Appalachian JaMarcus Russell. Not only did Geno Smith turn the ball over 60 times the moment he got into a preseason game, but he showed up to camp fat. Christ. This is a team that had Tim Tebow listed as one of their QBs last season, and yet somehow they are now worse off.

Your fantasy player everyone will hate: Chris Ivory. This is who the Jets signed to replace the perennially disappointing Shonn Greene. If you've ever picked up Chris Ivory off of waivers (and you have), you know that he's the kind of back that can get you five yards a carry if you happen to have a historically prolific passing attack keeping defenses from crowding the box. The Jets do not have that. They have the opposite of that. Every time Ivory carries the ball, he will experience deep, deep pangs of regret. Bilal Powell is already primed to take his job. "Bilal" sounds like a way of preparing lamb on a stick.

Why your team sucks: Let's do a little thought exercise. Pretend the Jets never existed. Go ahead. It's quite easy to do. Imagine an NFL with just 31 teams and only one franchise in New York. Now, imagine that an expansion group led by the shiftless, fame-whoring scion of a pharmaceutical company proposes the following to the NFL: "We're gonna have a SECOND team in New York! It'll play in the same stadium as the Giants, be horribly mismanaged, and will have the same kind of a$$hole fans as the Giants (NOTE: white bridge-and-tunnel trash assholes from Long Island and Queens and Jersey all like to pretend they're different breeds of a$$hole, but they are not), just far less of them."

Do you think the Ginger Hammer would accept that proposal? Of course not. He'd put a team in London and then demand the Brits stop paying national health care. The Jets don't need to exist. In fact, they are actively harmful. The Jets are the NFL's ruptured appendix. We've made fun of star-crossed franchises like the Browns and Lions and Bills here, but the Jets—who somehow managed to WIN a Super Bowl at one point—and unquestionably the laughingstock of the NFL. Not only do they lose, but they lose in the tackiest way possible. Their fans are insecure morons and their players are somehow even dumber. What purpose do they serve other than to hold themselves up for merciless ridicule?

It gets even worse if you look past the fact that the Jets are using a lame duck head coach and lame duck QB for the second straight season. Even if you factor in an injured, washed-up Santonio Holmes, there is no one for the GENOCHISE to throw to. Stud rookie CB Dee Milliner is already nursing a calf injury. The front seven is aging and there are no good young players to waiting in the wings at linebacker or defensive line. The Jets are a team that is never completely rebuilding and never completely refining—they remain an odd mix of overpriced veteran talent and iffy young talent, like the pre-Melo Knicks. They are doomed to lose 10 games a year while laboring under the delusion that they have a stacked roster. And now Darrelle Revis is gone for good. This team should have been blown up two years ago. That they remain intact is not a testament to their determination but rather a glaring indictment of their stupidity.

Also, **** Chris Berman for whenever he sang "Vinny & The Jets." The worst.

Why your team doesn't suck: Everything is so convinced that they're gonna suck that maybe, just maybe, they WON'T suck. The NFL works like that sometimes, right? Well, I mean, it works that way for teams that aren't the Jets.

The 17 worst Jets ever:

1) Rich Kotite. They made him coach and GM. Never forget.

2) Vernon Gholston

3) Neil O'Donnell. O'Donnell, Kellen Clemens, Rick Mirer, and Quincy Carter (!!!!) have all started games for the Jets. That is a rough foursome. Keep in mind that Sanchez has been WAY more productive than any of those men.

4) Dewayne Robertson. He can't miss! CAN'T MISS DINNER, THAT IS! ***RIMSHOT***

5) Scott Frost

6) Keyshawn Johnson/Alex Van Dyke. Drafted together. Never ever draft wideouts in the first two rounds.

8) Bubby Brister

9) Travolta

10) Ryan Yarborough

11) Marvin Jones

12) Browning Nagle. The Nagler!

13) Blair Thomas

14) Glenn Foley

15) Lou Holtz

16) Justin McCareins. I swear he was a fantasy sleeper once. That's how stupid fantasy football will make you.

17) Sam Cowart

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dbatesman

dbatesman

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I like Magary, but there's a ton of out-of-town stupid in this article.
 

Not only did Geno Smith turn the ball over 60 times the moment he got into a preseason game, but he showed up to camp fat.


False.
 

The front seven is aging and there are no good young players to waiting in the wings at linebacker or defensive line.


If you ranked our ten best players, no fewer than two and possibly as many as three of them would be defensive linemen. The oldest among those three turns 23 in October.

He makes up for it with this, though:
 

The truth is that the Jets quarterback is not any one person but rather an immense inter-dimensional void inside which time means nothing and all particles of light are crushed into nothingness. To look at the space behind the Jets' center is to have every blood vessel ripped away from your body. It is a thing that cannot be.

 

Oof. Well played. Your move, Tom.

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sirlancemehlot

sirlancemehlot

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This is a pretty lousy article to be honest.  Not sure if he was going for Anger, Despair, or Humor.  But it fails because there is no focus.  "The Jets Suck" is a broad topic which he doesn't outline in a defined way.  The attack on Rex as a deflated balloon comes across as mean, not funny.  Mean works in standup comedy because it can be delivered in so many ways.  In a written article, it falls short unless a humorous delivery can be constructed or the insult has a true punchline.  Perhaps he could have been successful creating a false sympathy that the reader is aware of, "It's hard to see such a once larger-than-most figure become so utterly deflated over the last few years. Too see those fans who once held the string to the bright balloon of hope that was Rex Ryan, now exasperated by its inability to stay afloat at merely half its original size..."  Perhaps a follow up, a paragraph later, alluding to the fates of those holding the lines on the burning Hindenburg to hammer the point home. If you're going to do humor thinly disguised as sports writing, you need to exaggerate obviously with the object being "funny" first, and "insulting" as a means to an end (ie: punchlines).  Simply writing BUTTFUMBLE a couple of dozen times is the hackiest of hack writing.  There, Tom, you lazy bastard.  I did your job for you. 

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slats

slats

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Yeah, 100% accurate. Anyway...

Sanchez is awful, but what's far more alarming is that the Jets drafted someone to replace him (this is something teams should do!) and, again, EVERY LIVING SOUL ON EARTH already knows that he's a bust. They just drafted the Appalachian JaMarcus Russell. Not only did Geno Smith turn the ball over 60 times the moment he got into a preseason game, but he showed up to camp fat. Christ. This is a team that had Tim Tebow listed as one of their QBs last season, and yet somehow they are now worse off.

This is probably my biggest concern. I'm not a Geno Smith fan. I think he's Mark Sanchez Part II. An emotionally weak turnover waiting to happen, who looks like he's getting thrown into the starting job way before he's ready. And, sadly, Sanchez was more ready as a rookie than Geno is. The Jets should've drafted another QB down the line, rather than a handful of OL projects.

Ugh, here's hoping I'm proved wrong on that one...

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kay_gee

kay_gee

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the only thing that truly annoys me about this is that Giants fans, forever obsessed with everything Jets, have started posting it. I really want to strangle them about the defensive line.

ETA: at least Jets fans are only insecure in their own football team.

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Integrity28

Integrity28

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He does this for every team.  Some are actually somewhat funny, but overall, its a terrible attempt at humor.  This one sucked badly.  And the Jets should be the easiest team to rag on in the league.

 

Agreed, the Jets are low hanging fruit and this guy had one line in the entire article that made me smirk - the rest was recycled cracks we've heard before, many times.

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