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Door flies open....


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Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez’s Empty Locker:

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez’s Empty Locker:

(Door swooshes open)


Eric Decker: [Looks at Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker and Mark Sanchez's Empty Locker.]

[Checks into Jet's Locker Room on Foursquare.]

[unloads backpack, covers locker with pictures of wife, dogs, himself.]

[Takes selfie in front of locker, posts to Instagram, "Excited to move into my new home, Jets Nation! Exited to meet my new main man, Geno!"]


[Goes over to Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker and Mark Sanchez's Empty Locker. Stares for a second. Goes back to unpacking his bag.]


[Goes back over to Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker and Mark Sanchez's Empty Locker. Knocks on the back of Shonn Greene's Empty Locker. Shakes his head, looks at pile of boxes out of Shonn Greene's Empty Locker.]

[Tweets, "Crazy being back in the same locker room as the Super Bowl. Thank god it isn't haunted HA HA."]

(Door draws open)

Geno Smith: Hey man, stop Tweeting about the ghosts of the Super Bowl. That’s some serious voodoo curse.

Eric Decker: Oh yeah, just kidding man. But for real though, thought I heard something in your locker. Or behind it. Probably the pipes. Smile!

[Takes selfie next to Geno, posts to Instagram "My new QB! Excited to make a new connection Jets Nation!"]

Geno Smith: Right. About that…

[Eric Decker's phone goes off.]

Mike Vick (@Mike Vick) is now following @DeckersDogs on Twitter!

Eric Decker: Son of a beeswax!

[Tweets "Son of a beeswax! Sometimes you just need to ignore people on this Tweeter HA HA."]

(Door flies open)


Rex Ryan: How the **** you doin’ boys!

Eric Decker: Coach! [Takes selfie with Rex Ryan, posts to Instagram "Glad to be working with a king! Coach Rex Ryan!"]

Rex Ryan: Geno, I see you met our new pretty boy, GQ over here. Probably the most handsome man who has ever been in this locker room. You’re going to keep the rest of this locker ankle-deep in nothing but the finest models, I’m talking full Italian Vogue models not the nasty British Vogue models all covered up in Hunter boots like little feet burqas. Yes sir, I cannot believe we have a real GQ model on the Jets.


Eric Decker: You guys hear that? I though I heard something before in Geno’s locker. You got rats, Geno? Is that why your stuff is in the middle of the room? I could get one of my service dogs come root them out for you if you got rats.

[Tweets "Looks like @DeckersDogs are going to find a lot of work here in New York too!"]

[Eric Decker's phone goes off.]

Mike Vick (@MikeVick) has favorited one of your Tweets!

Eric Decker: Son of a beeswax! I need to start blocking people on this thing. Coach, I’m a model but I’m married. Didn’t you see the shoot with my pregnant wife?

Rex Ryan: Holy sh*t, did I. You got her pregnant real good, GQ. Nothing like a hot pregnant wife, paddling around the house barefoot, asking you for foot rubs because the hormones got her all nice and swollen. Yeah, you got her hot and pregnant real good. Got her pregnant on the honeymoon, didn’t you GQ?

Eric Decker: Pretty much, I think. Let me check my Instagram for the dates.


Rex Ryan: YEAH! HOT BEACH SEX IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT FROM A WOMAN WHO IS GRATEFUL TO SHOW HER HIGH SCHOOL ENEMIES SHE CAN MARRY A GQ MODEL. COME HERE AND LET ME SLAP YOUR GQ HINEY, YOU HANDSOME DEVIL. Geno, you’re going to finally learn how to be a man in this locker room, now that we have a real GQer in here. Someone to mentor you in your tubin’ ways.

Geno Smith: I don’t think I really need help with that, Coach. You taught me how to hit on the art school girls at Steinhardt just before the Super Bowl. I think I’m really starting to like this one…

Rex Ryan: Enough. Stop. Geno, I’m sorry we failed you in your first year here. You are a quarterback in New York City and we cannot have you settling down with anything else than what GQ has over here, much less art school girls.

Geno Smith: A quarterback? A? Not the quarterback?

Rex Ryan: You need help, someone to guide you on and off the field. I got GQ here to help you with women and someone to help you how to be more mobile on the field.  Meet your new friend, Competition.

(Door wafts open)


Mike Vick: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Rex Ryan: Meet the newest Jet, Competition!

Eric Decker: Son of a beeswax!  [Tweets "Son of a beeswax!]

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez’s Empty Locker:


Eric Decker: Okay, you had to have heard that one.

Rex Ryan: Don’t you worry about that, GQ. Silky Gerrard probably forgot to collect all of his ladies after the Super Bowl. She should still have enough Bud Platinum to survive in there though. Competition, meet Geno who you will be mentoring, and GQ who you will be throwing to while mentoring Geno.

Mike Vick: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Big fan, Decker Dog. Big fan. Geno, happy to meet you. If you want to start training together, I’ve got my own ring — er, boxing ring — out in the country. You should come too, Decker Dogs. Play catch with us.

Eric Decker: Um, so yeah. My wife had a baby. Like yesterday. The day I came to the Jets. So um, yeah. Going to go take care of that once I’m unpacked.  Wait, did you say Bud Platinum, Coach Ryan? We had a bunch of Bud Platinum in the locker room during Super Bowl week. Nearly an endless supply. Probably too much Bud Platinum. Like a enough to make us sick for the Super Bowl amount of Bud Platinum.

Mike Vick: ‘Cause it got you Mile Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh?

Geno Smith: Because it’s what we left our AFC guests, that’s why. Coach Ryan, I’m worried. We all know what happened last season with competition, and that was pretty messy. What even happened to Brady Quinn?

Rex Ryan: The **** if I know. Was drunk off Axe and wasn’t helping the narrative so I got rid of him. You’re looking at this all wrong. Competition is your mentor, not your competition. You never had a mentor before and you were worse off for it last season.

Geno Smith: And Nacho? I even think he was a GQ model before I got here.

Rex Ryan: Oh yeah, his glory years when we won games and went to the playoffs. They’re over. Tough, tough league. This game eats players like Nacho alive. I’ve seen it, Rob’s seen it,

(A lone wolf howls in the distance)

Rex Ryan: And Competition here has certainly seen it. That’s why you need to get tougher, faster, more handsomererer so I can stop calling you Emo Geno behind your back. Now all this bellyaching is making me hungry. Why don’t you three come with me down to the mess for a snack and some planning on Geno’s tubin’ problems. You hungry, Competition?

Mike Vick: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii yes.

Rex Ryan: GQ? You still have to eat, even if you’re a model.

Eric Decker: Sure, sure. Of course. [Tweets "WOW. New York is not at all what I thought it was going to be like! Kiss the dogs for me Jess! I love you!"]

[Eric Decker's phone goes off.]

Mike Vick (@MikeVick) has favorited one of your Tweets!

(Door closes on the foursome. A faint “SON OF A BEESWAX” is heard.)

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Mark Sanchez’s Empty Locker:

(Shonn Greene’s empty locker slowly opens and a false back is revealed. Empty bottles of Bud Platinum spill out onto the floor, along with two sleepy looking Silk Gerrard ladies.)


Mark Sanchez: [stroking the side of the empty locker.] Shonn, I was a GQ model. I did win games. I was the first pussy tuber in Coach’s eyes. I miss you, Shonn. Feel like if you had been here, this wouldn’t have happened. How do I find you again? Where do I go? What do I do now? I have nothing.

(A figure steps from the shadows.)


Silky Gerrard: Come, young man. Don’t be sad. Silky always is there to help a former teammate in need. You said you were a GQ model?

Mark Sanchez: I was, really. No one remembers.

Silky Gerrard: House of Silky always needs a handsome man on call. And I seem to recall you are also good with children?

Mark Sanchez: I swear, I thought she said she was in college.

Silky Gerrard: Silky does not worry about their age, Silky just needs to know you can work in the many interests of Silky Enterprises, which also includes birthday parties for tax purposes. Silky likes to think of us as entertainers for all ages, 8-80.

Mark Sanchez: Why 80?

Silky Gerrard: Because somethings are so terrible to see and do even Silky cannot find the stomach for the work. Come, Silky will teach you how to best enjoy the finest Bud Platinum.

Mark Sanchez: Can I say goodbye to Shonn Greene’s locker? My locker?

Silky Gerrard: Say your goodbyes my young friend, but Silky has learned that goodbyes don’t always mean you’re leaving. Silky will give you your space just this once though.

[silky disappears into the shadows.]

Mark Sanchez: [Gentle pats locker] Goodbye. After all these years, I finally have to say goodbye.

[Mark Sanchez takes out a pen knife, carves "#6 WAS HERE" into side of Shonn Greene’s empty locker.]

[Mark Sanchez follows Silky Gerrard into the darkness.]

Shonn Greene’s Empty Locker:

Read more: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2014/03/rex-ryan-greatest-coach-ever-competition.html#ixzz2wtlMUGN7


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Jerry: [walks over to his pc and logs in and goes to jn to check out the day's info.  he inhales and exhales regularly, not that you care but this sort of over-description might be interesting to someone]

[clicks reply so he can say something in this thread]

Hi everyone.

[clicks post so it will upload and increase his post count, while issuing a subtle plea that the initial post in this thread is rendered unreadable by large bracketed descriptions followed by very little information]


[logs out]

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I legitimately quit reading after 8 seconds.


Judging from the responses I made the correct decision.


This may be ban worthy.


If we can allow the epic amounts of suckage displayed by you in literally every mafia game on this site, I can get away with one unfunny post. 

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If we can allow the epic amounts of suckage displayed by you in literally every mafia game on this site, I can get away with one unfunny post. 


that implies you've had a funny post.  I'll need to see a link.

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