Help My Friends (stepchild)

[TNJet]

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

[32EBoozer]

Wow that’s tough. Most likely has a lot of emotions built up at that age. Prayer for your relationship to be healed and random acts of kindness and a lot of communication. I totaled a couple of cars at that age and a couple of arrests. My dad wasn’t the best at communication but always stuck up for me. 

Meant the world to me. All the best my friend 
 

 

[TNJet]

2 hours ago, 32EBoozer said:

Wow that’s tough. Most likely has a lot of emotions built up at that age. Prayer for your relationship to be healed and random acts of kindness and a lot of communication. I totaled a couple of cars at that age and a couple of arrests. My dad wasn’t the best at communication but always stuck up for me. 

Meant the world to me. All the best my friend 
 

 

Thank you. His real dad never punishes him or tells him no obviously. Its just hard to deal with. He never seems to think he's in the wrong in anything he does, and he does wrong constantly. I expect him in Juvenile detention soon, and jail by 30 if ge doesn't wise up.

[Snell41]

What is yours and Mom’s relationship with paternal father?


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[TNJet]

His dad is my wife's Ex.

[PCP63]

TNJet as a stepfather. Punishment enough!

 

I kid, I kid. Please don't ban me, Max. 

 

In all seriousness, some people just suck. Kids moreso. Has your wife ever considered a 64th trimester abortion?

[TNJet]

3 minutes ago, PCP63 said:

TNJet as a stepfather. Punishment enough!

 

I kid, I kid. Please don't ban me, Max. 

 

In all seriousness, some people just suck. Kids moreso. Has your wife ever considered a 64th trimester abortion?

Wow. Lol...

[TNJet]

27 minutes ago, Snell41 said:

What is yours and Mom’s relationship with paternal father?


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His dad is my wife's ex. 

[32EBoozer]

29 minutes ago, TNJet said:

Thank you. His real dad never punishes him or tells him no obviously. Its just hard to deal with. He never seems to think he's in the wrong in anything he does, and he does wrong constantly. I expect him in Juvenile detention soon, and jail by 30 if ge doesn't wise up.

Well drugs and alcohol were nearly the end of me. My Father and my relationship wasn’t good especially after my mom died when I was 19.. it took another 10 years before the grace of God turned my life around and healed our relationship. Be strong but fair, set boundaries and be the example of a man he would want to emulate. Above all show him love and friendship 

[jeremy2020]

First, I would go to a football forum filled with man-children to find out their thoughts...

[TNJet]

15 minutes ago, 32EBoozer said:

Well drugs and alcohol were nearly the end of me. My Father and my relationship wasn’t good especially after my mom died when I was 19.. it took another 10 years before the grace of God turned my life around and healed our relationship. Be strong but fair, set boundaries and be the example of a man he would want to emulate. Above all show him love and friendship 

I've tried. He's a hard kid to get close to. My father and I are best friends...this kid seems like he could care less about either parent until he needs money. He seems like he should be sent to a military school in my opinion but, I'm sure it will never happen. I'm  limited on what I can do for the better of him, being I'm not his biological father. Hard to explain l guess.

[Snell41]

His dad is my wife's ex. 

No I understand that, I guess I should have said “how” is yours and your wife’s relationship with his father?


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[TNJet]

3 minutes ago, Snell41 said:

No I understand that, I guess I should have said “how” is yours and your wife’s relationship with his father?


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We both hate him, and he hates us.

For instance he wanted my wife to pay have for the damage on his truck, when he has full custody, she already help with child support, and he should have curfew at 16, the wreck happened at night around 130 am under his fathers supposed supervision. Dunce.

[Jimmy 2 Times]

When you married her you married her kid.

Be a man and some him support and love. 

Kids **** up, deal. 

[TNJet]

50 minutes ago, jeremy2020 said:

First, I would go to a football forum filled with man-children to find out their thoughts...

Consider my friends. Maybe I was wrong...

[TNJet]

Just now, Jimmy 2 Times said:

When you married her you married her kid.

Be a man and some him support and love. 

Kids **** up, deal. 

No...its much much more. We picked him up to take him fir his birthday dinner 2 years ago and he was high on pot the whole time. At only 14. He wreaked of the smell too. Trust me l know that smell....kept his hat down at dinner all night as we ate. Wanted to punish him but hey, I'm not his father. Hands are tied. Hard to support a future criminal. 

[JetFreak89]

Sorry to hear. 16 is such a hard age, old enough to think you know everything but too young to know that you don’t. Sounds like counseling might be a good idea even if the 3 of you go all together. There is probably some underlying cause of anger or pain that he doesn’t have the maturity to deal with. Sounds like you and his mom don’t have the best relationship with his dad so maybe there could be some resentment there. I would try and really dig into what the main issue is first before you can try to come up with a solution.


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[Ecuadorian Jet]

May sound cruel and abrupt, but get a divorce. You're gonna go through the whole range of caring, being upset, fighting, blaming, hating, reconciling, hating again, getting closer to the stepson, feeling betrayed by the stepson, detaching, isolating, etc.

Get a divorce now. Not meaning to be insensitive, but may be the only way to keep a healthy relationship with the woman you love.

[Kevin L]

2 hours ago, TNJet said:

Thank you. His real dad never punishes him or tells him no obviously. Its just hard to deal with. He never seems to think he's in the wrong in anything he does, and he does wrong constantly. I expect him in Juvenile detention soon, and jail by 30 if ge doesn't wise up.

Speaking from experience, juvenile detention might be the best thing for him.

I grew up as an angry young man who thought he was a tough guy. Juvenile detention showed me how not tough I really was.

[Greenbloodblitz]

Sorry you're going through this dude I have been there and I completely understand. You ARE amongst friends.

Kids don't come with instruction manuals whether they're yours or not. And every individual case is totally different.

Usually at that age they don't even understand themselves and they're just acting out to keep everybody away while they try to figure it all out. Try not to take it personal.

Try to find common ground with the kid, see if you can earn his Trust and try to talk to him about the future and where he wants to be?

This definitely isn't easy s*** to deal with as it affects your wife and your entire household. Just know that you're not the only guy dealing with this.

[RutgersJetFan]

1 hour ago, Ecuadorian Jet said:

May sound cruel and abrupt, but get a divorce. You're gonna go through the whole range of caring, being upset, fighting, blaming, hating, reconciling, hating again, getting closer to the stepson, feeling betrayed by the stepson, detaching, isolating, etc.

Get a divorce now. Not meaning to be insensitive, but may be the only way to keep a healthy relationship with the woman you love.

So, this thread is going well.

[Wonderboy]

9 hours ago, TNJet said:

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

Get him some hot wheels. Tell him this is all he’s driving until he gets his grades up. Going off will only strain things. Just be firm but do it with patience and understanding. Kids at that age want structure not anger. But at the same time don’t be a powder puff. I bought my daughter, who I didn’t raise, a dog when she was 20. Deal was she had to go into a 12 step program for her eating disorder. She agreed. 1500 for the dog. She went ONCE and quit. I told her “see this dog. It’s no longer your dog but mine!” 12 years later and still have the dog and our relationship was not the best. I let her feel what she wanted and now our relationship is totally different but it took years for her to mature but I never forced her or made her wrong. But at the same time I don’t play. 

[predator_05]

I recommend getting off the internet. Nobody here is capable of understanding your personal situation

[Kleckineau]

If you can get him to family therapy with a psychologist or MSW he will have a better chance of gaining the insight he lacks to understand the underlying reasons for his behavior. Without that insight his future is very dicey. If he is ever physically threatening to you or your wife get law enforcement involved. That can give his mother (not you) leverage to get court mandated therapy and substance abuse screening.  Finally, he is never going to accept direction or discipline from you. More than likely, in his immature opinion, you are the major cause of his unhappiness.

 

[Wonderboy]

24 minutes ago, predator_05 said:

I recommend getting off the internet. Nobody here is capable of understanding your personal situation

I recommend you get off the internet.

[Sperm Edwards]

5 hours ago, Kevin L said:

Speaking from experience, juvenile detention might be the best thing for him.

I grew up as an angry young man who thought he was a tough guy. Juvenile detention showed me how not tough I really was.

Yeah ultimately @TNJet has little he can do until the kid is convinced there are negative consequences to his behavior. That’s made even harder when he only sees him every other weekend, it isn’t his kid in the first place, and the father seems less than entirely helpful as well.

Pay for a truck he messed up? First thing is take away the truck & make him earn it back and then pay for it himself. Kid needs a job to eat up his free time, but that’s not happening with covid either. But that stuff really has to come from the father anyway, since he’s the one with custody. 

I don’t know what can be accomplished by a stepfather every other weekend, to a kid who doesn’t care enough to listen. There may be ways of reaching him but that’s hard enough when you can be there all the time. Not really my area of expertise anyway, but to me any suggestions of solving this with hugs and kisses and patting a rude rebel without a cause/clue teenager on the head - i.e. “support” - as reward for acting like an ass including being high in front of his guardians, sounds unlikely to get desired results. At the same time, with an angry kid who gives no effs about anyone but himself, if the father comes down too hard then the boy may just disappear outright. 

At the risk of being a Booger McFarland here, it’s a tough situation. TNJet best of luck to you and your wife. You’re unlikely to get easy answers from here - or anywhere, really - but I can sympathize with the despair of asking anyone when you’re out of ideas yourselves. Ultimately it sounds like he’s not going to listen to anything until he’s worried about future consequences, whether long term consequences of being a loser (or incarcerated, or worse), the short term consequences - enforceable consequences - of privileges being revoked, or the consequences of being a letdown to those who love & care for him.

If his father isn’t going to take the lead in handling this ~12 out of every 14 days, there’s probably not much you can fix as stepfather. Again best of luck, though.

[68JET11]

7 hours ago, 32EBoozer said:

Well drugs and alcohol were nearly the end of me. My Father and my relationship wasn’t good especially after my mom died when I was 19.. it took another 10 years before the grace of God turned my life around and healed our relationship. Be strong but fair, set boundaries and be the example of a man he would want to emulate. Above all show him love and friendship 

Wow, very similar to me, with my Dad dying when I was 17, and my mom being a wreck. We never saw eye to eye, and I ended up going to CA for 2 years. Best thing I could have ever done, because I missed her so much I came back after 2 years. She is my rock and I will not be able to handle it when she finally leaves this earth.

TNJet

I have to say this is a real tough one. My son, while a great kid, has no communication skills with me. He's 32, and I still think he could care less. but I know he loves me. Stepson would be a whole nother ball game. This is what I would do, and then just step back a few and see how it pans out. Seeing as I don't know the entire situation, I'd probably sit down with him and have a man to man talk. This is what I would say... I'm here for you, but you gotta understand that I'm also not going to take your sh*t. I get I'm not your Dad, but your mom and I are husband and wife. She loves me, and I love her. If you care at all for you mom, then you'll have to grow up at some point. I'm here to help you do that. I'll stand behind you, but will not make excuses for you. It's time to make choices in your life on which direction you're willing to take. One leads down a dark path, and the other leads you to having a wonderful life. It's your path to choose. Your move...

If all that doesn't work, lock him in his room bolt the windows, and buy him a PS4, and maybe he'll be like my kid and never leave his room... I kid  you not, i tried to get my son into sports Baseball, football, golf when he was young, Golf, his words, " why would anyone want to hit a ball, go chase it, hit it again until you have to get it in such a stupid little hole".. Anyway my kid turned out great, has his own place, a girlfriend, 3 cats works at the same company I do, and never leaves home because he's so into his gaming.

Good luck fellow Jet fan...

[jetsons]

15 hours ago, TNJet said:

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

If you live in NYS you can apply for a "PINS" Petition... (Person In Need of Supervision)... Doesn't hurt him but makes him understand if he continues doing what he's doing the Police & Family Court will be involved. 

http://ww2.nycourts.gov/COURTS/nyc/family/faqs_pins.shtml

[Snell41]

We both hate him, and he hates us.
For instance he wanted my wife to pay have for the damage on his truck, when he has full custody, she already help with child support, and he should have curfew at 16, the wreck happened at night around 130 am under his fathers supposed supervision. Dunce.

I am going to be very honest and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way-this is likely the problem. He sees how his parents behave towards each other and will use that as the example of how he behaves. He is made from both his mother and father. When you hate his father, you are hating a part of him. Same goes for his father hating his mom of course. You guys all sow a relationship of hate and expect him to behave better? That’s not how it works.




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[32EBoozer]

8 hours ago, TNJet said:

We both hate him, and he hates us.

For instance he wanted my wife to pay have for the damage on his truck, when he has full custody, she already help with child support, and he should have curfew at 16, the wreck happened at night around 130 am under his fathers supposed supervision. Dunce.

I didn’t realize Dad had full custody. Your influence is then limited. Do what you can but you also need to protect your wife emotionally. 
 

The fact that you reached out to us turds & misfits shows you are at your wits end and are humble enough to admit it. Again I would say “Take it to the Lord in prayer”. God is the only one who can heal & change the heart. I would also suggest a Christian rehab for young men. Ive seen many troubled youths’ lives transformed. His Dad will have to sign off or court mandated. What’s his name and I’ll pray for him, you and your wife. 
 

Mt. 11:28-29

”Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

[TNJet]

2 hours ago, predator_05 said:

I recommend getting off the internet. Nobody here is capable of understanding your personal situation

No.

[UntouchableCrew]

Not to sound insensitive but if the Dad has full custody and the kid is already 16 -- it's really not your problem, and clearly you're not going to be able to change him. Just tell him to respect your rules while he's under your roof. Not much more to it.

[Bronx]

13 hours ago, TNJet said:

Any advice fir me un dealing with my 16 year old delinquent step son? I just had to go upstairs and go off on him. Trying to leave the house while grounded.

He wrecked his first truck last weekend (had it 2 months) l told him he couldn't leave. 

I did the same thing when I was 16 and was able to retire from a career. It is not over yet for him. Tell him that you "believe in him", goes a long way.

[TNJet]

1 hour ago, Sperm Edwards said:

Yeah ultimately @TNJet has little he can do until the kid is convinced there are negative consequences to his behavior. That’s made even harder when he only sees him every other weekend, it isn’t his kid in the first place, and the father seems less than entirely helpful as well.

Pay for a truck he messed up? First thing is take away the truck & make him earn it back and then pay for it himself. Kid needs a job to eat up his free time, but that’s not happening with covid either. But that stuff really has to come from the father anyway, since he’s the one with custody. 

I don’t know what can be accomplished by a stepfather every other weekend, to a kid who doesn’t care enough to listen. There may be ways of reaching him but that’s hard enough when you can be there all the time. Not really my area of expertise anyway, but to me any suggestions of solving this with hugs and kisses and patting a rude rebel without a cause/clue teenager on the head - i.e. “support” - as reward for acting like an ass including being high in front of his guardians, sounds unlikely to get desired results. At the same time, with an angry kid who gives no effs about anyone but himself, if the father comes down too hard then the boy may just disappear outright. 

At the risk of being a Booger McFarland here, it’s a tough situation. TNJet best of luck to you and your wife. You’re unlikely to get easy answers from here - or anywhere, really - but I can sympathize with the despair of asking anyone when you’re out of ideas yourselves. Ultimately it sounds like he’s not going to listen to anything until he’s worried about future consequences, whether long term consequences of being a loser (or incarcerated, or worse), the short term consequences - enforceable consequences - of privileges being revoked, or the consequences of being a letdown to those who love & care for him.

If his father isn’t going to take the lead in handling this ~12 out of every 14 days, there’s probably not much you can fix as stepfather. Again best of luck, though.

Sperm this is pretty much picture perfect analogy. He's the type that l only see becoming more rebellious when rules are tightened. Like I expected him to slip out a bedroom window and disappear last night after we were asleep. He was supposed to get a job that he said he wanted a month ago to pay for his truck, yet ended up with excuses after excuses of why he hadn't applied yet. I think just feel like when he's here there's nothing l can do. He's just going to be a spoiled punk no matter what just like you said.

[TNJet]

39 minutes ago, Snell41 said:

 

I am going to be very honest and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way-this is likely the problem. He sees how his parents behave towards each other and will use that as the example of how he behaves. He is made from both his mother and father. When you hate his father, you are hating a part of him. Same goes for his father hating his mom of course. You guys all sow a relationship of hate and expect him to behave better? That’s not how it works.




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No no we don't show hatred infront of him. His dad might toward us, that l can't speak for...